New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Scalfarius interviews Jesus

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Many people will know of me as the leading journalist of the Roman Empire, and founder of the newspaper Res Publica. I spoke to Jesus of Nazareth shortly after his famous Sermon on the Mount, and what He had to say will shock you.

Sorry, my hearing aid's been broken for years.

I interviewed Jesus under the best possible circumstances: I refused to record the interview, or to take notes, and my hearing aid was broken, so I couldn't hear Him either. In fact most of the time I hid in a cupboard, so as to resist the temptation to try and lip-read the Messiah. Nonetheless, I can tell you exactly what He said, even though He spoke Aramaic, a language unknown to me.

Jesus told me that He is very keen on an all-female priesthood, and that the all-male priesthood favoured by Jewish tradition was simply a mistake. He had given the keys of Heaven to Petra, an ambitious young lady that He had met somewhere, and she was going to become the first Holy Mother.

St Petra shows off the keys to Heaven (ringed).

Jesus is well-known for saying "I came not to judge the world, but to save it." He expanded on this theme to me, explaining that old-fashioned notions of Good and Evil were now redundant. "If a man wishes to commit theft, murder, adultery or even bear a little false witness, who am I to judge? Who is my Father to judge? No, just SMILE, that's all I ask my disciples to do."

Smile, Francis! Football's only a game!

Evidently, reports of Jesus's teachings from journalists such as Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have got things completely wrong. They claimed that Jesus believed that one of the Twelve would betray Him, but in fact what He said to me was "Do you know that 8.333333% of my disciples are perverts?" Trust me, I'm a Tablet journalist, would I make up something like that?

Well, there are many other things Jesus said to me (such as "Why are you hiding in that cupboard?") but I think I have given the essence of his character: a quiet man, who merely wants to be left alone, with simple hobbies such as climbing mountains, messing about in boats, and sometimes riding on donkeys. I would say that He was probably an atheist, like myself, and that all that He wishes to do is to undermine religion, as I do.

Simply messing about in boats (or out of them).

© Large Scale Fairy Stories inc.

NO 3: the Liturgy of the Word

Continued from Part 2.

This is the third instalment of our guide to some of the delightful things you may expect to see in the Ordinary Form Mass. It's time for the Liturgy of the Word, and today we're sending all the children out into the church hall so that they can receive their own instruction, while the grown-ups get a slightly more advanced version.

This Sunday we have the story of St Peter in prison, so the little darlings are going to draw a picture of him.

St Peter in prison, by Phil Evans (age 6).

For the grown-ups we have three readings, concluding with the Gospel, and then we come to the most exciting bit of all, the homily or sermon. Settle down, now, and let's see what spiritual delights are on offer.

I think I'll turn my hearing aid off now.

Now there are three options for the homily, and you may experience any of these.

1. The Bishop's Letter. Once a month +Fred sends out a letter to be read by all parishes. Bishops are often quite intelligent people, so this may be the best option - but if you're unlucky it will be about +Fred's holiday at the seaside: "I was walking along the beach at Hunstanton, and I thought of Jesus, who also used to go to the seaside, although it was at Galilee, and they didn't have seaside rock and donkey rides."

The Sea of Galilee - no candy floss available.

More likely, the bishop will impress you with his learning. "I was reminded of the words of Chesterton, who quoted Aquinas as pointing out that St Matthew had reported Our Lord as saying 'Lo! The people have no candy floss.'..."

2. The priest makes up a homily himself. This can be very good, or it can be very bad. At least if he's reading his own words the priest won't roll his eyes and talk in a silly voice.

3. Worst of all, you may just get: "One of our parishioners, Antonia Flannery, has recently been to India for three months, helping in a hospital there, and she's going to tell us of her experiences."

So Antonia tells you all about the hardships in Indian hospitals, where they don't have all the NHS facilities such as managers, equality and diversity coordinators, health and safety officers, etc. and have to make do with doctors and nurses.

Oh good, Antonia's going to show us her holiday snaps.

Antonia went to Mass in India, but it was in Tamil so she didn't understand much. Do NOT at this point shout out "Why didn't you go to a Latin Mass?"

All too soon, the homily is over, we say the Creed (Nicene if there's time, Apostles' if the priest thinks we're running late). There's a bit in the book about bowing when we talk about the Incarnation; don't do that, as you'll probably be the only one, and people will look at you wondering whether you've just had a heart attack.

Well, that's about it for the Liturgy of the Word, so let's welcome back the children with their pictures of St Peter in prison.

Now, Daryl, how did St Peter get out of prison? 
DID HE DIG A TUNNEL?
No, Daryl, try again. Didn't God send someone to rescue him?
OH YES I SAW THAT, IT WAS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. ST JOHN PUT ON A 
RUBBER FACE MASK AND IMPERSONATED THE GUARD.
No, Daryl you imbecile. You weren't paying attention.

Mission Impossible - St Andrew infiltrates the prison.

Eventually, you do get some meaningful responses from the children, and the Mass continues. More next time.