Vincent Nichols cancels Triduum

Catholics in the diocese of Westminster have been surprised to learn from Cardinal Nichols that this year the Triduum is completely cancelled, and they will move immediately from Thursday afternoon (after Cardinal Nichols has completed the ceremonial washing of the feet of women, Muslims, dogs and cats) to the traditional Sunday evening worship of rabbits and eggs, as performed by the Church since the first century.

However, three new activities are to replace the triduum, as follows:

1. All praise to Little Amal!

Another opportunity to worship Little Amal, the symbol of migration (or was it climate change? I forget). And if you don't, then she will send her mother, Big Amal, to beat you up!

2. The religion of football.

Football (soccer) is already one of the main obsessions of the UK, and it is time that the Catholic Church forgot about all that passiontide stuff and celebrated a religion said to have been founded by the disciples. It is no coincidence that there were exactly 11 of them left after Judas Iscariot was, er, transferred.

3. This would be an ecumenical matter.

It is no coincidence that March is Black Transgender Sikh History Awareness Month, and we must always be open to alternative forms of worship, provided that they are not in Latin!

Definitely no TLM!

On reaching the age of 75, Cardinal Nichols tendered his resignation to the Pope, as he was obliged to. However, the Pope is not obliged to accept the resignations of yes-men: trouble-makers are another matter, of course, and they are instantly cast into the outer darkness without a home, a job, or a pension. We have all seen DO NOT FEED THE BURKE signs on the walls of the Vatican. However, Vin is safe for the time being (and so are we, if they are really thinking of John Arnold as a successor).

"Ugh! Heresy! Take it away!"

Thoughts are better than prayers

Taking our guidance from Britain's most prominent Catholic, Boris Johnson, we learn that thoughts are far more useful than prayers.

For example, in response to the murder of Sabina Nessa, the great man tweeted as follows:

The prime minister thinks.

On the other hand, for totally trivial matters, such as a European Football Championship, only a totally trivial response is appropriate, such as this letter written to the football manager.

Prayers and hope!

Well, if Boris, my spiritual director, says so, it must be so. Prayers are only to be used for trivial matters ("O Lord, make sure the bus is on time" or "I humbly beseech Thee, grant that the shop still has a copy of the Tablet"). For really serious crises, it's THOUGHTS that count.

We used the ECCLESPROBE (TM) to drop in on the almost-empty mind of devout Catholic Joe Biden as he was attending Mass. It was impossible to get a coherent reading, but his thoughts seemed to be mainly of a huge ball of ice-cream flavoured with chocolate chips. Our theologians are still trying to explain this.

Spiritual nourishment.

Take this week's disaster, the volcano in La Palma, which has caused widespread damage, not to mention climate change. So prayers would be inappropriate here: only THOUGHTS are good enough. "Hmm, it must be hot there." "This volcano's CO2 emissions have stolen my dreams and my childhood." That sort of thing. The fact that people are thinking such deep thoughts must be a great comfort to those who've lost their homes.

THOUGHTS: "This is the fault of those Traddy Catholics." "No, this is the fault of Pope Francis."

Today is the Feast of St Wenceslaus (assassinated at the age of 24, so all those photos of an old man carrying pine logs are inaccurate). So, in best Catholic tradition, we think about him. Ready? Go!

This walk is the only thing I'll ever be remembered for."

Catholics encouraged to celebrate Ramadan

Imam Al-Nichols, also known to Catholics as Vincent, Cardinal Nichols, explained today that he was celebrating Ramadan at home since "What are Muslims but Catholics with a bit more money?"

Al-Nichols recycles his Father Christmas beard so as to be more ecumenical.

Daily life in the Nichols home is now a very Spartan affair, similar to that of a devout Muslim. A huge plate of bacon and eggs just before dawn, and then it's only fast food during the daytime (jumbo offalburgers, fish and chips, Westminster fried chicken). Then at sunset he is able to recover with a huge tankard of Medina beer ("the drink of the prophet").

"'Ramadan' is the Arabic word for 'Lent'," explains al-Nichols. "Some of my critics have pointed out that Catholics are still celebrating Easter, but how can that possibly be more important?"

Yes, there really is a Medina beer.

Being a "Mecca II" Muslim, al-Nichols is more liberal than most. He reads the Koran every day, but it is a "Message Koran". This omits the bits about slaying the infidel, replacing them by advice to write a stern letter to the Tablet acknowledging that all shades of opinion are equally valid. Also, the Imam-Cardinal does not believe in "ad Meccam" prayer, preferring to show his back to the Holy City.

When it comes to morals, al-Nichols continues to take a liberal attitude. Having in the past shown favour to "gay Masses", he is very keen to see similar events including Muslims, but "this is a long-term project".

When critics point out that Mohammed does not have such an impressive CV as Jesus Christ, the Son of God, al-Nichols has an answer for them. "It's an ecumenical matter," he explains. "Anglicans worship Henry VIII, don't they, and he was an even more bloodthirsty chap! Justin Welby and I are one on this matter."

Westminster Mosque.

It is not clear how many Muslims have been drawn into the Catholic Church by al-Nichols's initiative, or whether there has been any great movement in the other direction. The Catholic bishops are still keeping all the churches closed, and nobody knows what is going on inside at present. However, bearing in mind that al-Nichols is a keen football fan ("soccer" if you are American), we do note that there are 22 dioceses in England and Wales, and 22 men in a football match (plus the Nuncio acting as a referee). We leave readers to draw their own conclusions about the cries of "Over here, John!" "Good shot, Richard!" "You dirty fouler, John!" "You're offside, Malcolm!" "Where's your glasses, Nuncio?" "Dive, Bernard!" and "Goal!" which many have heard on walking past the theoretically-empty cathedral.

Now, about Hinduism...

Has Kate Bottley had a lousy press?

In a television programme In The Footsteps Of Kate, to be shown on Good Friday, Judas Iscariot examines theories about what led the "Rev" Kate Bottley to betray Christ.

Kate Bottley - not as wicked as we first thought?

Traditionally, Fr Kate has been regarded as a buffoon who danced in church and later sold her soul to Channel 4's Gogglebox for a sum estimated at "30 pieces of silver". Certainly, there are some who think of her as a "disciple gone wrong". Mr Iscariot, however, feels a certain sympathy for this poor woman. "This is not to say 'Oh Kate, she's all right really', what we are saying is perhaps there is something else to this character than the dancing, the left-wing bigotry, and the dreadful TV show" he said.

Cain slaying Abel. But he wasn't just a murderer.

In an article in the Radio Times "Nick" Baines, Anglican bishop of Leeds, West Yorkshire, the Dales, and the Northern Powerhouse, re-appraises Cain. "I feel a bit sorry for Cain," he says. "He's gone down in history as a murderer, but we tend to forget his skills as a gardener, and the fact that he was a loving father to Enoch."

"Am I my brother's keeper?"

Fr Kate agrees. "I travelled to Mesopotamia. You have to look really hard to find anything about Cain, he's a really shadowy figure, even when you go to the place where he killed Abel, you have to look really hard to find any reference to him."

Yes, it is time we re-appraised all these people: Cain, Judas, Nick, and Kate. Perhaps after all they are not as bad as we thought.

Are you being radicalised?

After the startling revelation that Jihadi John's real name is Mohammed Emwazi - and not George Galloway after all - we must each ask ourselves "COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME"?

Little Mo. Bad breath, not potty-trained until he was 15, ugly, but otherwise normal.

Little Mo was, by all accounts, a saintly boy who hardly ever pulled the wings off butterflies or stuck pins in frogs. However, all the other kids mocked him, and so it was natural for him to grow up to be a serial killer and sadist. Still, some say that his personality changed when he ran into a goal post - a clear sign that football can be a radicalising influence.

We have this tribute to Little Mo on the authority of CAGE, one of the few apologists for terrorists to have charitable status. As Lord Carlile so profoundly puts it, CAGE needs to make clear they reject murder. Apparently, this is something the Charity Commission insists on (except, arguably, in the case of the BPAS). Even the National Trust has decommissioned all its weapons of mass destruction.

CAGE fighting is not as glamorous as you might think.

So if CAGE could give us 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, it would be much appreciated. Permanent silence would be even better.

Now, are YOU being radicalised? Did your mother tell you to tidy your bedroom when you were a child? Did the girl/boy/camel you invited out to the pictures tell you that you were a boring toad smelling of urine? Did the bus-driver refuse to stop when he saw you? Did it rain yesterday? Do you think that Britain's foreign policy is a disaster (actually, this is a perfectly normal point of view)?

The Satanic State's Jihad Johnnie models a burka (don't ask why).

These are all danger signs. Are you thinking of changing your name to Crusading Chris, Fighting Freda, Warring Wally, or Holy Smoke Moly? (Of course you won't use the name Mohammed, as nobody will take you seriously.) Have you been looking up Ryanair flights to the Levant (nearest airport Beirut, then hitch a lift)?

Of course, this post is mainly addressed to our younger readers, especially the more stupid of them, but the "call" can come at any age. Even 80-year-old ladies have a role to play in the Satanic State, if they are vicious and sadistic enough. After all, murdering hostages doesn't require much skill or strength.

Hell's Grannies - Teresa, Michelle, Joan and Erica - head for the Middle East.

Now, if you feel you are being radicalised (what we used to call "p*ssed off with life"), we urge you to take it gently. Start by campaigning for a party that wants to turn Britain upside-down, such as the Greens, or Respect, or the Monster Raving Loonies. If this doesn't satisfy your radical ambitions, you could try studying the works of great thinkers such as Russell Brand, or Giles Fraser. Nothing too aggressive. Got that? Great.

Can the Curia reform Pope Francis?

The Curia - essentially the Vatican's Civil Service - is a body with a long and distinguished history. It was founded by Christ Himself, when he gave Peter the keys to Heaven and - as a consolation prize - passed on the keys of His filing-cabinets to the other disciples, saying "Keep an eye on him."

These filing-cabinets were made by St Joseph the carpenter.

However, popes come and go, while the Curia endureth for ever. When a new pope is elected, he often arrives with new and exciting ideas about how the Catholic Church should be reformed. It is the duty of the Curia to make sure that God's business is carried on as usual, and nothing changes.

Cardinal Humphrey Appleby explains.

Says Cardinal Appleby, the Permanent Secretary to the College of Cardinals: "When Pope Francis came on the scene, he was full of new ideas that would have been disastrous to implement. For example, he wanted the Swiss Guard to invade the Falkland Islands, he wanted to introduce the tango as a compulsory part of the Mass, and he wanted the cardinals to dress like the Argentine football team. We dealt with these ideas by our standard method, saying 'Yes, Holy Father. What an interesting idea. We must set up a committee to look into these plans.' We also manage to divert the pope by giving him long documents in Latin to read: since he he failed his Latin Certificado General de Educación Secundaria we knew he would never get through them."

A group of cardinals poses in their proposed new vestments.

Of course, the Curia's blocking tactics are not always successful. When Pope John XXIII came up with his own modest wish-list of changes, the Permanent Secretary of the time, Cardinal Arnold Robinson, made the mistake of persuading him to convene the Second Vatican Council. For three years the politicians of the Catholic Church quarrelled with each other - during which time John himself left his Ministerial post, being promoted to a new position in Heaven - and it looked at first as though this time-wasting device would have the desired effect. Numerous reports and memoranda were produced - dignified by the name of constitutions, declarations and decrees - and in the end they were filed away unread, as intended. However, the Church still managed to change in bizarre ways unforeseen by Cardinal Robinson, who was forced to resign in disgrace.

"Yes, Holy Father." The Curia humours a new pope.

Cardinal Appleby continues: "The last two years have been very difficult for us. Normally I get to vet all papal speeches, to make sure that the Holy Father doesn't commit himself to any significant new policies. However, the present incumbent has become very adept at making off-the-cuff statements, usually in aeroplanes, causing severe embarrassment to us." Although this has not been publicly admitted, it seems that Cardinal Bernard Woolley, the Pope's Principal Private Secretary, is looking into the possibility of lacing Francis's in-flight gin and tonic with a powerful sleeping drug, so that he sleeps during flights, rather than re-inventing Catholicism.

"No new doctrine today, guys. Must... lie... down..."

Which brings us finally to the Extraordinary Synod of 2014, and the General Synod of 2015. This is part of Cardinal Appleby's high-risk strategy for blocking the pope's ideas for reform. Everyone - except, apparently Vincent Nichols - remembers those confusing votes which decided (or not) the statement to be issued by the Extraordinary Synod under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The crusading idealism of Cardinal Kasper came head-to-head with the more conventional orthodoxy of Cardinal Burke and his allies in the Resistance. Appleby himself is proposing that Cardinal Kasper be sent on a round-the-world fact-finding mission, from which he will probably never return.

"Listen very carefully, Cardinal Burke, I shall say this only once."

Still, Pope Francis remains unreformed, and all Catholics must pray that the Curia manages to keep him on-message. His predecessor, Pope Benedict, now in retirement, admits that he "never managed to get round Appleby," and perhaps in the end Francis will be similarly thwarted.

Pope Francis organizes "Tiddly-winks for Peace"

Following his highly successful "Football (Soccer) for Peace", Pope Francis has now arranged an all-star Tiddly-Winks Game for Peace. Although the Holy Father's love of football is well known, not so many people are aware that he is also a passionate supporter of the Buenos Aires Tigres de Tiddlo and never missed a game when he lived in Argentina.

The fingers of God.

There are of course precedents for Pope Francis's latest bid for peace. In 1338 Pope Benedict XII declared himself "very unhappy with the way the 100 years war is going" and attempted to bring it to an end by arranging a tiddly-winks match between Edward III of England and Philippe VI of France; but the game had hardly started when Edward accused Philippe of smearing his counters with garlic, and the contest broke up in disorder.

Pope Benedict XII: his counter-measures did not prevent war.

It is expected that Diego Maradona will take part in the Tiddles for Peace: not only have many English football supporters written in saying that he a complete and utter winker, but Diego himself is said to be very attracted by the pot. However, nobody who actually has any influence on world politics has so far agreed to take part: in particular, ISIS has refused to send a team along, although they have promised to play golf with President Obama once he has surrendered the White House to them.

Britain's star player.

The final words should go to Pope Francis: "Tiddly-winks is a human phenomenon, and special," he said. "A winks game is a highly symbolic act that helps show it is possible to build a culture of en-counter and a world of peace. Now, let's get squopping!"

Pope Francis receives the "Tigres de Tiddlo" shirt of Buenos Aires.

Scalfarius interviews Jesus

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Many people will know of me as the leading journalist of the Roman Empire, and founder of the newspaper Res Publica. I spoke to Jesus of Nazareth shortly after his famous Sermon on the Mount, and what He had to say will shock you.

Sorry, my hearing aid's been broken for years.

I interviewed Jesus under the best possible circumstances: I refused to record the interview, or to take notes, and my hearing aid was broken, so I couldn't hear Him either. In fact most of the time I hid in a cupboard, so as to resist the temptation to try and lip-read the Messiah. Nonetheless, I can tell you exactly what He said, even though He spoke Aramaic, a language unknown to me.

Jesus told me that He is very keen on an all-female priesthood, and that the all-male priesthood favoured by Jewish tradition was simply a mistake. He had given the keys of Heaven to Petra, an ambitious young lady that He had met somewhere, and she was going to become the first Holy Mother.

St Petra shows off the keys to Heaven (ringed).

Jesus is well-known for saying "I came not to judge the world, but to save it." He expanded on this theme to me, explaining that old-fashioned notions of Good and Evil were now redundant. "If a man wishes to commit theft, murder, adultery or even bear a little false witness, who am I to judge? Who is my Father to judge? No, just SMILE, that's all I ask my disciples to do."

Smile, Francis! Football's only a game!

Evidently, reports of Jesus's teachings from journalists such as Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have got things completely wrong. They claimed that Jesus believed that one of the Twelve would betray Him, but in fact what He said to me was "Do you know that 8.333333% of my disciples are perverts?" Trust me, I'm a Tablet journalist, would I make up something like that?

Well, there are many other things Jesus said to me (such as "Why are you hiding in that cupboard?") but I think I have given the essence of his character: a quiet man, who merely wants to be left alone, with simple hobbies such as climbing mountains, messing about in boats, and sometimes riding on donkeys. I would say that He was probably an atheist, like myself, and that all that He wishes to do is to undermine religion, as I do.

Simply messing about in boats (or out of them).

© Large Scale Fairy Stories inc.

World Pope Competition

As most of our readers will know, the Catholic Church has abandoned the old method of choosing its pope - whereby a lot of old men sat in a smoke-filled room trading insults for several days - in favour of a new competition in which the candidates battle it out in pairs. Brazil has been hosting the current competition, which started with the World Youth Day in 2013 and has been carrying on ever since.

The finalists, from Argentina and Germany.

The British did very badly in the competition. Keith O'Brien from Scotland failed to qualify - indeed he was accused of foul play - and England's Vincent Nichols was eliminated at an early stage when it was discovered that he had very few goals, and was incapable of saving.

Vincent Nichols: "a disappointing performance".

In fact England have not won the competition since 1154, when Pope Adrian IV (Nick Brakespear) took the title after extra time. However, the English always live in hope of a repeat performance, and one often sees the St George's flag being displayed during papal conclaves.

Cardinal Vingt-Trois of France wore this shirt, but failed to win.

The competition was not without incident. Cardinal Suàrez of Uruguay was disqualified for biting his opponent, evidently misunderstanding just what is considered acceptable conduct for the "kiss of peace".

Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina! Farley and Beattie want to see a woman win.

In the semi-finals, Joe Ratzinger (Germany) put seven key doctrinal points past the Archbishop of São Salvador da Bahia (Brazil), whereas George Bergoglio (Argentina) struggled to beat the Metropolitan Bishop of Utrecht (Netherlands) on penalties. The entire universe waits to see who will win the final: will the modern philosophical style of Bergoglio really prove stronger than the traditional dialectic of Ratzinger? As the referee puts it: "Who am I to judge?"

St Charlie Wojtyła (Poland), a previous winner of the title.

Damian Thompson: pulling strings?

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor writes:

Where it all began to go wrong - Mennini tells me I'm past it.

Nobody could have more respect for Damian Thompson than I do. Like him, I come from beautiful Reading, and dabble occasionally in religious matters. Moreover, I share his passion for custard. But tonight an unusually good source told me that he had read on the Telegraph website that Damian was trying to exert his influence in forthcoming ecclesiastical appointments.

You may think that the life of a retired cardinal is one of idleness - watching Countdown on television, going to church every few weeks, that sort of thing - but in fact I also keep a close watch on activities in Rome, and am very anxious to give this new chap Pope Franklin (memo: check name) the benefit of my experiences.

Why doesn't Damian stick to things he knows about?

I am very dismayed by some of the recent appointments of Catholic bishops in England and Wales. We have seen people like Philip Egan, Mark Davies and Alan Hopes promoted - all nasty traditionalist types who want to bring Christianity back into the Catholic Church. Sometimes I think they prefer the Holy Spirit to the Spirit of Vatican II!

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is to blame here, and I am afraid that Damian Thompson is almost certainly the éminence grise controlling him. (I use the phrase figuratively - Damian is very proud that he has not a single grey hair on his head, and he has won the Telegraph's "best hair" competition five years running.)

The place where Damian Thompson schemes and plots.

Well, the era of Damian's influence is surely coming to an end soon. I've a feeling that many of the top people in Rome - Paolo Gabriele, Battista Ricca, people like that - feel the same way as I do, so I'll be revenged on that nuncio after all!

In my day, they'd even appoint a footballer if I said so!

Moveable feasts

Although Catholics in England and Wales are apparently out of step with much of the rest of the Christian world, the Catholic Bishops' Conference has announced new arrangements for the major religious festivals.

And when the time came for Jesus to depart, He said "Let's do it on Sunday instead."

First, as has already been noted by many people, almost everyone - from the Pope downwards - believes that today is Ascension Day. However, the Magic Circle has decided to defer it to Sunday. This is believed to be because there is a highly important football match taking place tonight (Leicester v. Watford), which several bishops are unwilling to miss.

There is also Eastenders: apparently, Roxy finds herself in a dangerous situation when she gets some unwanted attention (a situation in which Vincent Nichols often finds himself).

Today is an unholy day of obligation, when all Catholics much watch Eastenders.

Looking ahead, the CBCEW has announced that Christmas Day has been moved to the nearest Sunday, December 22nd 2013. This will have the advantage that believers will be able to finish their Christmas shopping a few days before everyone else, and spend most of the next two weeks in an alcoholic stupor watching television, like the rest of the country.

Arrangements for Lent have similarly been altered. Ash Wednesday will of course become Ash Sunday (which is so much more convenient for everyone), and Good Friday will also become Good Sunday. There is an obvious technical problem here: thus, the Nicene Creed used in church has been modernised so that it now says that Jesus "rose again on the seventh day in accordance with the Scriptures." Which means in fact that the Bible will also have to be retranslated under the direction of the Magic Circle ("for forty days appearing to them" should have been "forty-three," anyway).

St Luke is persuaded to change "forty" to "forty-three."

The changes have been greeted with enthusiasm in some circles. Said a spokesman for the Tablet: "Ha ha, another kick in the teeth for the Pope! He should know that only religious nutters go to church on any day of the week except Sundays. And thank goodness we all stopped saying our prayers on weekdays, when Vatican II banned such practices!"

Christopher Robin is saying his prayers on a Thursday. What a Traddie reactionary!

St George

April 23rd is St George's day, so if your real name happens to be Jorge Mario Bergoglio, or if you are English, Greek, Catalan, Bulgarian (and a whole lot more), or live in Preston (yes, really), Genoa, Rio (and a whole lot more), then you will be dancing in the streets today!

Of course, if you are a dragon, you will not be celebrating.

Some people who will not be celebrating quite so enthusiastically are the good folk of Bury St Edmunds. Until the middle ages, Edmund was the patron saint of England (he blogged under the name On the side of the Angles), and like George he was a martyr. Still, there is nothing to stop you wearing a sugar-beet in your button-hole on November 20th if you do wish to honour this great Suffolkman.

The Vikings win this round.

Georgia, Egypt, Romania, ... but not Ireland, of course, where St Patrick is celebrated. He's known for driving all the snakes out of Ireland, which seems to be slightly easier than driving all the dragons out of England - unless there weren't very many in the first place. But we must not forget Preston.

St George's church, Preston. Note the absence of dragons.

Ethiopia, Portugal, Iraq (???) ... Anyway, the villain of our story is the Emperor Diocletian, who for some reason didn't like Christians. "Nasty, vile, bigots!" he called them. Nothing changes much, does it? So on April 23rd 303 he tortured St George a little, just to make things more interesting, and then decapitated him. Probably a simple death from Viking arrows would have been more enjoyable.

St George, as seen by the Vatican.

Well, let's see the St George's flag, in its most usual manifestation - at least in England. Whenever the England football (soccer) team is in distress, which is every two years or so, the whole nation prays to St George - which is tough luck if the opponents are India, Ukraine, Serbia, ...

St George, pray for us all.