Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

Graven images

We had two particularly interesting reactions to the piece on the (British) Ten Commandments: one, from Archdruid Eileen, wondered how many commandments there really were, and what they were exactly (Beaker Folk and Catholics having a different way of cutting up those stone tablets into handy soundbites). Bruvver Bosco made a similar point in the comments to the piece:

Ha ha, you used the catholic ten commandments brother Eccles. Notice how the 2nd commandment has been changed. They got rid of that pesky "do not make or worship or bow befor graven images." My hats off to the catholic church. That takes guts to get rid of commandments they don't like. So come on all you faithful cathols...its Ok to bow befor any and all graven images. Hold on to them tight...that trip to hell can get breezy.

The Calvary Chapel, with its graven image of a dove.

Regular readers of this blog will know that Bosco is a member of the Calumny Chapel, and he kisses a cement dove before he goes to bed each night. Apart from that, he is very tough on graven images - for example he threw out a photo of our Anti Moly just in case anyone in the house was tempted to bow down and worship it.

Not to be worshipped.

Still, as someone on a continuing spiritual journey, I do have a question to ask of the experts. "Graven" seems to mean "engraved" or "sculpted", like Bosco's cement dove. Are paintings and photographs evil? Or only if you worship them? Here's another test case, a 1938 painting of Catholic bloggers Fr Tim Finigan and Mrs Caroline Farrow as children (haven't they worn well?)

Does this break the 1st (or 2nd) commandment?

Our old friend Damian Thompson is known to worship cupcakes: indeed, he has written a book on addiction, and how he attended Cupcakes Anonymous meetings in a vain attempt to break himself of this habit. We did think he was now cured, but last time I went round to see him, I found him kneeling before the graven images below.

A clear breach of the commandments.

Well, the general consensus - Bosco and the Muslims aside - seems to be that making images is not the real problem, so much as worshipping false gods; and that is taken care of by the first commandment.

"He just worships that bicycle..."

Bosco got de rapture

Bosco was still in de hopsital recoverin from his wounds. Dey took all de plaster off, cos he said it made him look like a cemment iddle, but dey still had to leave lotsa banddages on. Dis is Bosco havvin a consulltation wiv de doctor.

We had a bit of a fihgt when de doctor tried to X-ray my bruvver, becos after all X-ray pitchers is gravven immages and we aint allowed to worshipp em. Still, de two nusses dat Bosco knokced out wiv his fists was probbably Cathlics, and anyway dis is de best place to be if you is gonna get knokced out.

I heard de doctors talkin to demselves, and dey said "Dis Bosco chap got a rapture. He gonna need a truss." Dis was grate news and I went over to tell my bruvver.
"You got de rapture, Bosco. Has you got a truss?"
"Yup, I put my truss in Jessus," said Bosco. "We'd better git ready for de rapture, Eccles."

I got up to look out of de window for Jessus, and turned back. Bosco had disapearred! He was taken up by de rapture! Well, we knew dat Bosco was very pius, he's always persecuttin Cathlics so its only fair dat he shuold be chosen first. Dis is a nun dat he punched in de eye when she was doin an evill Cathlic thing, collectin money for orhpans, I fink it was.

It aint ovbious what you is sposed to do when your big bruvver gits taken up to Heaven, so I fought I'd go out into de street and try and attract Jessus's attentoin, so dat I could be saved too. What was strange was dat down de corridor I cuold here Bosco's voice commin from Heaven, dis is supernatrual like when we heres de voice of de Lord in de Calumny Chappel sayin "DAT IDIOT BOSCO IS A REEL LOSER."

But what Bosco was sayin was "You Cathlics is all dammed, you gonna end up in de lake of fire cos you put a dime in de collection and it was spent on feedin de homeless poeple, you is all repsonsible for de crimes of your preists becuase you didnt know about dem, and sometimes dey didnt do any, how dumb can you be you aint got Jessus in your life and de rapture is here and you is left behind, I'm gonna make you sorry you was kissin de Pop's feet, take out your beads and bow down to de cement iddles like de Pop tells you to, you and your devillish church, dont give me any of dat 'do unto others' nonsense it aint in de book of Revellation, which is de only bit of de Bible dat we reads in de Calumny Chappel, although sometimes we has Winnie de Poo, and Alouse in Wonderland cos dey doesnt give us such bad headaches, dat Mad Hatter chap he's definitely been saved..."

Den I heard a luod CRASH and Bosco cryin "Take dat you luosy pevreted Cathlic priest thinkin you can come in here and give de last rites to Cathlics and send dem to Hell." I turned de corner and dis was de scene dat I came upon, wiv one of de doctors confronttin Bosco.

Woss goin on Bosco, is we raptured or aint we?

Bosco's money aint saved

Well, Bosco my dere bruvver, I is very unhappy dat you didnt get $100,000,000 as a leggasy from Jessus, even thuogh it was promissed you by Mrs Condi Gulible of Jordan's Bank. In fact dey seem to have taken most of de money out of your bank account as a commision, leavin you just 30 silver dollars (dat makes you just like your grate herro St Judas Iscarrot).

Anyway Bosco have got hisself a new finnancial adviser who gonna help him track down de missin leggasy from Jessus. Here he is:

Alass, we has been too busy wiv dis probblem to deal with other maters, such as de Bibble classes ect. but Bosco my dere you should not rellent in your endless pursuit of gravven imagges, and here is one dat I fink is partickerly worryin, as it looks like a Maddona and Child, dem Cathlics bin worshippin dis I am sure, Bosco.