Vatican sale - everything must go!

The first we heard of this was on Wednesday, via Edward Pentin who bothers to read Vatican press releases so that we don't have to. The Vatican is broke, and everyone is taking a pay cut. Cardinals will have their salaries cut by 10% (surely it would be simpler to give redundancy notices to 10% of the cardinals? I can give you a list) and the ordinary workers suffer cuts of 8% down to 3%.

It is not recorded what pay cuts popes (current and emeritus) will be taking - a real missed opportunity for Francis to show how humble he is. This may be because questions may be asked about why we need both a pope and an emeritus pope. What do I know?

"Now, I'm afraid that one of you will have to go."

Next week's Motu proprio will give details of the Vatican fire sale to raise more funds. The faithful are no longer sending in Peter's Pence, since they are being spent on unpleasant films like Confessions of a Rocketman - and Elton John's sequels, involving Busman, Cabman and Bicycleman, don't sound any better.

I have already bought the tombs of three saints, which will go in my living-room once I have removed all the other furniture. I was hoping for some prestigious ones such as Pius V from Santa Maria Maggiore, but mine are obscure ones such as Pope Wilton III, Pope Jimbo XVII and Pope Ted, of whom most people have never even heard.

I also bought a popemobile - well, not the popemobile, just a unicycle that Pope Francis uses for exercise, or so I am told by his totally reliable business manager "Honest Giovanni" Becciu. My neighbours give me admiring glances as I cycle round the garden, bless them, and then fall off into the compost heap.

Late News: I am getting increasingly annoyed at a succession of itinerant priests who wander into my living room and say Mass at the tombs there. I don't care if you've been thrown out of St Peter's Basilica, you're not coming here. And get out of my kitchen - that's a refrigerator, not a sarcophagus.

The whited sepulchre of Pope Bosch.

Charity Appeal

The charity CATFOOD (CATholics For Oddball Overseas Development), has asked for an appeal to be posted on all spiritually nourishing blogs such as this one.

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We are hugely grateful for the support you have shown for CATFOOD's work over many years, as we have acted as a lobbying agency for extra taxes, action on climate change, and access to condoms for all; we have also done something about those people in the Third World without access to those simple necessities of life that we all take for granted: such as Tenderized baby kestrel with a Welsh truffle sauce, tortured parsnips, weeping Norfolk onions, and a salad of pumpkin leaves with balsamic vinegar; with this, most experts would recommend a Chateau Coldfitte 1992.

A baby kestrel. In London we take food like this for granted.

Well now we need to turn our attention to nearer at home. Do you remember me telling you about Zimi, a 10-year old girl from Islington? Zimi's family have been without proper drinking water for several weeks: her parents could no longer find Mont Blanc Glacier Water in the supermarket, and she was forced to drink the rubbish that comes out of the taps.

Zimi now says, "When the deliveries of Mont Blanc Glacier Water stopped, my family had to change its lifestyle; we stopped taking baths or showers, and now nobody at school wants to sit next to me."

Mont Blanc, where the glacier water is lovingly harvested by Dominican friars.

Thanks to CATFOOD, Zimi's family is now getting regular deliveries of climate change posters and contraceptives, and we are looking into the water problem as well.

We'd now like to tell you about another child, a 9-year-old boy from Notting Hill called Gift. You might be wondering how Gift got his name. It's because in Notting Hill they go in for pretentious names these days (his brothers and sisters are called Square-Root, Proust, Biggleswade, and Beckham). Gift's family have been without a refrigerator for over a week, as they wait for Zanussi to deliver another one. In fact, it was partly their fault, as they first contacted ZANU, by mistake. Although Robert Mugabe was very pleased to hear from them, he was unable to provide a refrigerator.

Robert Mugabe and an unidentified friend discuss the fridge crisis in Islington.

As a result, Gift and his family have been forced to eat out in restaurants every day this week, as the only alternative to living on slightly stale food. CATFOOD is coming to their assistance, and Gift's family will soon have a shiny new fridge.

Did I mention that we are a Catholic organization? No, well we don't want to scare people by bringing religion into everyday life: go to our website and see how long it takes you to find the word "Catholic" on the front page. Still, do keep sending us your money, and we'll make sure it is spent the way we think best.

Bosco is hot

My dere bruvver Bosco has bin complainin of de heat, well it aint so easy when you is all wrapped up in banddages. In fact many anceint cropses has bin found in Egpyt wrapped up like Bosco, and I am sure it is de heat what killed em off.

In our case it is also perhaps de Solar Scriptura Panels dat we has instaled on de roof of de house "Gauranteed to keep you warm in dis world and de next" dey say.

Even Grate-Anti Moly says she havvin a meltdown, such is de heat. Why she wears dat black dress and a hat in dis wevver, I dunno.

Also Bosco's girlfiend Camila is too hot, but Bosco very kindly carried her outside and dropped her in de pond (de one where de pirahna fish used to be, dat Anti Moly ate up).

Dat is what we calls true chevalry, except dat Camila weren't very pleased, she said she is allergic to runnin water, also mirrors and garlic, as it happens, dese dames sure is strange sometimes.

Bosco he also tried to jump in de pond but he fuond dat he cuoldnt get wet. He was walkin on de watter like Jessus, and much better dan St Peter. Dat's cos he's got a very strong faith and is surely saved. Or maybe de banddages provvides bouyancy.

De probblem still remians how to cool Bosco down, but I found an old fridge in de attic, and he is gonna sleep in dat. It's nice dat it seems to be made de same shape as a person. You wuold almost fink it was an iddle.

De question remains, does we dare go to de Calumny Chappel today wiv you lookin like dat, Bosco my dere?