Who will succeed Rowan?

We is very interrested in knowin who will succede Rowan Willaims as chief cosstume hollyman of de Angliccan church, so I has asked a geust blogger to give us de front runners.

John Sentamu, Archbishop of York.

From now on I'm not going to wear socks until Mugabe is deposed.

Although at first sight, St Emu is in pole position to take over at Canterbury, his insistence on traditional Christian values will probably count against him. There are worrying rumours that he will attempt to reinstate Bible-reading in churches, and not just the politically-correct bits.

Richard London, Bishop of Chartres.

When the St Paul's protesters shout at 6 a.m., they are, in a very real sense, giving us a wake-up call.

A popular choice among the liberal wing of the Anglican church, Chartres is said to have the Queen's ear (although it could be someone else's in that pickle jar). However, Chartres suffers from the fact that his intellectual credentials will always be in doubt, since he does not have a "proper" doctorate like Damian Thompson.

Jeffrey John, Bishop Dean of St Alban's.

I'm only in this job for the fancy dresses.

Strongly supported by those who want to see a "gay" Archbishop. Tipped to be the first homosexual to be "married" in a Church of England service. It would be most unkind to say that the main reason that he was not promoted is that he is a power-crazed pervert.

Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the American Episcopalian Church.

Men!! Arentchasickofem??

Women bishops are on the way, and what better way to bring them in than to start with the Battleaxe-in-chief of the American Episcopalians? Bishop Schori is believed to be female, but when our reporter asked her to "get 'em off and prove it," she was strangely unwilling to comply.

Kieran Conry, Bishop of Arundel and Brighton.

Pope Benedict XVI really hasn't got a clue, has he?

Although technically a Catholic, Kieran Conry has shown such a scepticism about traditional Catholic beliefs and practices that his attitudes are indistinguishable from those of many Anglicans, apart from being even wackier.

Eccles, currently caring for his aunt.

Ullo, has you been saved like me?

A surprise candidate, Eccles is a celebrity blogger who could save the Anglican church. If chosen, he will get rid of the "costume holy man" role of the Archbishop, and insist on cement doves in Canterbury Cathedral.