Elton John tells us about Jesus

Sir Elton John, the musician, best known for his song "Scandal in the Wind", gives us this in-depth of analysis of Jesus, and what He would have said and done if he had "been alive today".

Jesus was basically a very Christian sort of person, you see; of course, he would have dropped the awkward bits of Christianity, such as claiming to be the Son of God, and perhaps gone in for a more touchy-feely version of the faith, perhaps influenced by Buddhism. Maybe he would have become a Jedi knight, and preached a good wholesome creed such as "May the Force be with you" (et cum spiritu tuo, Ed.) before hitting people with strip lights.

Elton John, with Jorge Bergoglio and Damian Thompson, in the 1970s.

Probably, Jesus would have come out as a gay man and entered into a civil partnership and then marriage with John, "the beloved disciple". Next, by means of a mysterious procedure which probably involves women somewhere along the line - but this isn't important - they'd have produced a couple of bizarrely-named sons, perhaps called Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John and Dwight Furniture Messiah-John.

Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John.

Of course Jesus was all about love, compassion, forgiveness and having a really kinky time - especially when this means that two or more people of the same sex - or hey, even different sexes! - can get together and do what they like. My old friend Jorge (like me he changed his name to something cooler) has stripped his church down to the bare bones, and when he said "Who am I to judge?" his real message was "Elton, get your trousers off!"

More from the historic meeting of Damian, Jorge and Elton.

Of course what Jorge needs to do now is to appoint lots of gay priests, especially married ones. It's what Jesus would have wanted, and I know that this is one of the pope's main priorities. I have offered my services as an adviser on spiritual matters, along with other great minds such as Catherine Pepinster and Nancy Pelosi, and I expect to be given a humble role - perhaps as Cardinal John, head prefect (and milk monitor) of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith - just as soon as the pope gets round to reading my e-mail!

Elton plays "Scandal in the Wind".

Who will succeed Rowan?

We is very interrested in knowin who will succede Rowan Willaims as chief cosstume hollyman of de Angliccan church, so I has asked a geust blogger to give us de front runners.

John Sentamu, Archbishop of York.

From now on I'm not going to wear socks until Mugabe is deposed.

Although at first sight, St Emu is in pole position to take over at Canterbury, his insistence on traditional Christian values will probably count against him. There are worrying rumours that he will attempt to reinstate Bible-reading in churches, and not just the politically-correct bits.

Richard London, Bishop of Chartres.

When the St Paul's protesters shout at 6 a.m., they are, in a very real sense, giving us a wake-up call.

A popular choice among the liberal wing of the Anglican church, Chartres is said to have the Queen's ear (although it could be someone else's in that pickle jar). However, Chartres suffers from the fact that his intellectual credentials will always be in doubt, since he does not have a "proper" doctorate like Damian Thompson.

Jeffrey John, Bishop Dean of St Alban's.

I'm only in this job for the fancy dresses.

Strongly supported by those who want to see a "gay" Archbishop. Tipped to be the first homosexual to be "married" in a Church of England service. It would be most unkind to say that the main reason that he was not promoted is that he is a power-crazed pervert.

Katharine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop of the American Episcopalian Church.

Men!! Arentchasickofem??

Women bishops are on the way, and what better way to bring them in than to start with the Battleaxe-in-chief of the American Episcopalians? Bishop Schori is believed to be female, but when our reporter asked her to "get 'em off and prove it," she was strangely unwilling to comply.

Kieran Conry, Bishop of Arundel and Brighton.

Pope Benedict XVI really hasn't got a clue, has he?

Although technically a Catholic, Kieran Conry has shown such a scepticism about traditional Catholic beliefs and practices that his attitudes are indistinguishable from those of many Anglicans, apart from being even wackier.

Eccles, currently caring for his aunt.

Ullo, has you been saved like me?

A surprise candidate, Eccles is a celebrity blogger who could save the Anglican church. If chosen, he will get rid of the "costume holy man" role of the Archbishop, and insist on cement doves in Canterbury Cathedral.