An exclusive interview with Cardinal Roche

A slightly edited version of the Catholic Herald piece.

"Three plates of tiramisu will be enough, thanks. After all, it is Lent!"

Cardinal Roche is one of four English cardinals currently serving, and has just turned 75. Following the elevation of Timothy Radcliffe, his title of England's Worst Cardinal is now in danger.

CH: Your Eminence...

AR: Just call me "Holy Father" - after all, you'll be doing that in a few weeks, anyway!

CH: Holy Father, then. This year marks the golden jubilee of your ordination. Could you tell us about some of the wonderful things you've done over the last 50 years?

AR: Well, we 'ad it tough in Yorkshire, you know. No plates of tiramisu then - it were black puddings and chip butties for dinner, if we were lucky. If not, it were lumps of coal and wood shavings. But even when I were a few months old, I knew that I were going to end up as pope.

A young Arthur Roche discerns his vocation.

CH: So you gave up ice skating (© Damian Thompson) and became a priest?

AR: Yes, I were sent to the English College at Valladolid. I had no idea where it were, I thought it were somewhere near Barnsley, but it turned out to be in Spain, where they talk funny. Anyway, after I had learned everything there is to learn about being holy, I ended up in Leeds, where they put me in charge of organizing Pope John-Paul II's visit to York. Telling the pope and cardinals what they must do - well that were good practice for later life.

CH: And you ended up as Bishop of Leeds?

"Yes, my policy of closing down churches were very popular."

CH: And then Benedict XVI asked you to become secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome - and when Cardinal Sarah turned 75 you got his job?

"Aye, I were always very loyal to Cardinal Sarah."

CH: What advice would you give to those who want to remain faithful members of the Church and love the Latin Mass but find themselves restricted in attending?

AR: There is nothing wrong with attending the Mass celebrated with the 1962 missal.

CH interviewer falls on the floor in astonishment. Bravely carries on...

CH: But you have been trying to suppress it! (Note: the CH didn't actually point this out.)

AR: Ah, but that was before the Pope were taken ill. Of course we all want him to get better - after all I led the Rosary prayers in St Peter's Square on March 4th, and people said that my Italian was the best by a Yorkshireman since Geoffrey Boycott led a Rosary for England during the Headingley Test Match.

Eee, this Rosary's all a mystery to me, lads!

But the St Wilfrid Mafia told me that if I wanted to guarantee becoming the next pope I needed to change tack quickly. Otherwise we might end up with Parolin, Tagle, or some other unspeakable person (er, could you delete these remarks from the final transcript? Thanks!)

CH: Anyway, you have always liked the Latin Mass?

AR: Well, if they only knew that most days I order my tiramisu in Latin because it is the common language for all of us here! Which reminds me, perhaps another plate would be good after all - I'm feeling a little peckish now!

Anyway, I promise you, the TLM is safe with me! Except where it isn't, of course.