An exclusive interview with Cardinal Roche

A slightly edited version of the Catholic Herald piece.

"Three plates of tiramisu will be enough, thanks. After all, it is Lent!"

Cardinal Roche is one of four English cardinals currently serving, and has just turned 75. Following the elevation of Timothy Radcliffe, his title of England's Worst Cardinal is now in danger.

CH: Your Eminence...

AR: Just call me "Holy Father" - after all, you'll be doing that in a few weeks, anyway!

CH: Holy Father, then. This year marks the golden jubilee of your ordination. Could you tell us about some of the wonderful things you've done over the last 50 years?

AR: Well, we 'ad it tough in Yorkshire, you know. No plates of tiramisu then - it were black puddings and chip butties for dinner, if we were lucky. If not, it were lumps of coal and wood shavings. But even when I were a few months old, I knew that I were going to end up as pope.

A young Arthur Roche discerns his vocation.

CH: So you gave up ice skating (© Damian Thompson) and became a priest?

AR: Yes, I were sent to the English College at Valladolid. I had no idea where it were, I thought it were somewhere near Barnsley, but it turned out to be in Spain, where they talk funny. Anyway, after I had learned everything there is to learn about being holy, I ended up in Leeds, where they put me in charge of organizing Pope John-Paul II's visit to York. Telling the pope and cardinals what they must do - well that were good practice for later life.

CH: And you ended up as Bishop of Leeds?

"Yes, my policy of closing down churches were very popular."

CH: And then Benedict XVI asked you to become secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome - and when Cardinal Sarah turned 75 you got his job?

"Aye, I were always very loyal to Cardinal Sarah."

CH: What advice would you give to those who want to remain faithful members of the Church and love the Latin Mass but find themselves restricted in attending?

AR: There is nothing wrong with attending the Mass celebrated with the 1962 missal.

CH interviewer falls on the floor in astonishment. Bravely carries on...

CH: But you have been trying to suppress it! (Note: the CH didn't actually point this out.)

AR: Ah, but that was before the Pope were taken ill. Of course we all want him to get better - after all I led the Rosary prayers in St Peter's Square on March 4th, and people said that my Italian was the best by a Yorkshireman since Geoffrey Boycott led a Rosary for England during the Headingley Test Match.

Eee, this Rosary's all a mystery to me, lads!

But the St Wilfrid Mafia told me that if I wanted to guarantee becoming the next pope I needed to change tack quickly. Otherwise we might end up with Parolin, Tagle, or some other unspeakable person (er, could you delete these remarks from the final transcript? Thanks!)

CH: Anyway, you have always liked the Latin Mass?

AR: Well, if they only knew that most days I order my tiramisu in Latin because it is the common language for all of us here! Which reminds me, perhaps another plate would be good after all - I'm feeling a little peckish now!

Anyway, I promise you, the TLM is safe with me! Except where it isn't, of course.

The Arthur Roche Thanksgiving Mass

The scene: Leeds Cathedral, Yorkshire.

The date: Monday 14th November 2022.

The event: A thanksgiving mass to celebrate the elevation of the former Leeds bishop Arthur Roche to greatness (or at least the college of cardinals).

Present: Just about all the Catholic bishops of England and Wales...

The great man is truly sorry for the pain felt by traditional worshippers.

Unfortunately, the Livestream wasn't working (this is true, like everything else so far in this post), so we can only reconstruct the event ourselves...

The event was well-attended. The congregation included numerous members of the Latin Mass Society, all wearing their "SAVE THE TLM" tee-shirts; also, some of Uncle Arthur's best friends from Leeds: the LADHISS (Leeds and District Heavyweight Ice-Skating Society), and various vendors of cakes, puddings, and pies (now fallen on hard times since our hero left).

Luckily, one can also buy light snacks in Rome.

Some mischievous person switched all the books, so that Roche might have had to offer a TLM rather than a Novus Ordo Mass, but the great man was not phased out by this and managed to improvise a NO service.

Then, when it came to the part of the service where the cardinal said "With Francis our Pope and Me, your unworthy servant", a great cry of "YES!" went out from the congregation - which somehow failed to please Uncle Arthur.

Anyway, a good time was had by all, and the Leeds United fans who carried Uncle Arthur head-high from the cathedral and dumped him in the River Aire have been severely reprimanded.

An army marches on its stomach.

An interview with Arthur Roche

I was privileged to join Christopher Lambchop (of the Bitter Pill) and Christopher Whitebait (of the Fishwrap) in a sycophantic intervew of Uncle Arthur Roche, although I did not say much.

I also missed out on the photo.

Chris (one or the other): Your Eminence, what is it like being the most wonderful Catholic of our era, or indeed any era?

Arthur: I came from 'umble origins, Batley in Yorkshire. We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Chris: And now, who'd have thought that you'd be drinking Château de Chasselas and stuffing yourself with cinnabons, eh, your Holiness?

Arthur: Aye, we 'ad it tough. But I worked my way to the top, first as a champion ice-skater, then Bishop of Leeds, then jobs in Rome, and - who knows? - will I be the next pope? I'm already sounding out little Austen Ivereigh to write a hagiography of me!

"I think I'd look better in white, Holy Father."

Chris: I guess you first came to the notice of those above when you started closing churches in Leeds, your Sublimity. Wasn't the DVD that you produced explaining this top of the charts in Yorkshire for two years, O saintly one?

Arthur: Yes, this was my finest hour in England. My idea has even been taken up by Pope Francis!

Chris: Could you explain that, your Vastness?

Arthur: All cardinals are assigned a church in Rome. Mine is San Saba. But the Holy Father has just sent me a DVD explaining that San Saba is to close, and all new cardinals are being given beach houses instead. Apparently, this was Ted McCarrick's idea.

Closing down.

Chris: A brilliant idea, your Rotundness. Now, tell us more about your plans to burn all TLM worshippers at the stake, if you'd be so kind, Mightiness.

Arthur: Some people are stubbornly opposing what the Church - well, Pope Francis not Pope Benedict obviously - has actually decreed.

Both Chrises: Sing adoration to Pope Francis!

Arthur: It's a very serious matter. In the end people have to ask themselves: am I really a Catholic or am I more of a Protestant?

Eccles (for it is he): You're more of a Protestant?

Omnes: SHUT UP, ECCLES!

"The dissolution of the monasteries? We're calling it Traditionis Custodes."

Uncle Arthur gets his red hat

There will be dancing in the streets of Yorkshire tonight at the news that Batley boy Uncle Arthur Roche has finally been given a red hat by Pope Francis, if they can find one big enough to fit his head (Gammarelli are already preparing some XXXXXXL robes for the new cardinal).

"Can you do this beanie style in red?"

From the humble beginnings where Arthur developed his hatred for the TLM ("We 'ad it tough. When I were a lad they made us go to Mass and it were all in Latin, and the priest wouldn't even turn round and smile at us"), he rose to becoming bishop of Leeds, where he was known for starring in a video nasty - a DVD sent round to parishes explaining that he wanted to close them.

But Arthur really became famous when he took over from Cardinal Sarah at the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in 2021 (he had been secretary since 2012, and everyone said that his dictation and typing were excellent). At the CDW he became responsible for sorting out the mess after Pope Francis had a bad fit and produced Traditionis Custodes as a way of trolling traditional Catholics.

Harmonious days at the CDW.

Arthur was restrained from producing more video nasties showing how LGBT Masses and Clown Masses were really the way forward for modern Catholicism, but he did produce some Guidelines on the interpretation of TC that were even more deranged than Pope Francis had achieved:

* It is all the fault of traditional worshippers who have 
inexplicably become critical of Pope Francis since TC was issued.
* Even though TC was intended as a conciliatory way of getting rid 
of the TLM and its fans.
* Latin is a dead language, so Caveat Emptor 
and Quod erat demonstrandum! as we say in Batley.
* It is forbidden to advertise TLMs in the church bulletin.
* In fact attending one is a mortal sin, far worse than abortion
or LGBT stuff (which we rather approve of anyway).
* Liturgical dancing is encouraged, and I am available for
skating demonstrations for those churches equipped with ice-rinks.
* Can I have my red hat now, love*?

*A traditional Yorkshire way of addressing anyone from the pope downwards.

There is no truth in claims that Arthur Roche is ambitious.

There was more top trolling from Pope F when he announced the creation of 21 new cardinals. This stamps on the face of the Catholic Church puts his stamp on the future of the Church, and the other name to watch is Bishop Robert Walter McElroy, of San Diego, variously described as "Even worse than Cupich", "A great Sodano", and "Ted McCarrick's pal".

Are YOU an extreme liberal Catholic priest who has been inexplicably refused a red hat? If so email francis_trash@vatican.va with your CV, and we'll see what we can do next time.

* No previous evidence of competence necessary. In fact it's a handicap.
* Points are won by supporting LGBT issues, Nancy Pelosi, or the 
Synodal Path to cutting the Church into heretical pieces.

In next month's news - how Fr James Martin LGBTSJ became a cardinal.

Almost thou persuadest me to be an Easter Worshipper

As recorded in Acts 11, Saul and Barnabas came to Antioch, and hung around for a year, teaching. And, as Luke records, the disciples were called Easter Worshippers first in Antioch.

Luke omits the details, but it is clear that these Easter Worshippers were devoted to a sacred rabbit, and lived mostly on chocolate eggs. At other times of the year they were known as "Xmas Worshippers", indulging in strange rituals involving shopping, mince pies, and fat men in red coats and white beards sitting in "grottos".

Saul and Barnabas hit on the name "Easter Worshippers".

But Easter Worshippers has been the traditional name, ever since the first century. As Agrippa said to Paul, "Almost thou persuadest me to be an Easter Worshipper". Even St Peter got in on the act, with his "Yet if any man suffer as an Easter Worshipper, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf."

How Leeds City Council celebrated Easter. (H/T C.H.)

The name occurs in many hymns, such as the militant "Onward, Easter Worshipper soldiers," the rather soppy "They'll know we are Easter Worshippers by our love", and the stirring "Easter Worshippers awake, salute the Happy Morn!"

Then again, it has also become a first name (what old fashioned people call an "Easter Worshipper name" as opposed to a "surname"). Hans Easter-Worshipper Andersen, Dr Easter-Worshippeer Barnard, Easter-Worshipper Dior, ...

A male model shows off a shirt by Easter-Worshipper Dior.

So, can we PLEASE stop hearing people whining just because Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and the rest of George Soros's sockpuppets referred to the Christians massacred by Islamists in Sri Lanka as "Easter Worshippers"? That is what they called themselves, and that is what we should call them.

A profile of Archbishop-elect Capone of Chicago

Bishop Al Capone of Speakeasy, recently appointed Archbishop of Chicago in succession to the much-loved Cardinal George, is not the usual sort of Catholic bishop. When we met him, we started off by asking him about his pro-life credentials, but we were slightly nonplussed by his reply, when it became clear that he was not averse to throwing dissident clergy into the river, their feet encased in concrete boots. Even the Bishop of Lancaster, a hard-liner when it comes to suppressing people who disagree with him, has not yet sunk any of his blogging deacons in the River Lune, as far as we know.

Bishop Capone.

Bishop Capone is clearly a saintly man, and he tells me he is planning something special for the feast of St Valentine next year. I also observed half-a-dozen priests entering his cathedral carrying violin-cases, so I assume that some brilliant musical event is being planned.

The clergy invite an old lady to a musical event.

All things considered, Bishop Capone looks like being a great asset to Catholicism in Chicago. And to think that, owing to a clerical error, they nearly appointed a seminary-closing, pro-life prayer-forbidding extreme-liberal bore called Bishop Blase Cupich instead!

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Meanwhile, in England, Bishop Marcus Stock has been appointed as the new Bishop of Leeds. Stock is said to be a close friend of Cardinal Vincent Nichols, and has even been described as Vin's stockpuppet. Curiously, Damian Thompson of the Telegraph Spectator was once tipping Fr Alban McCoy of Cambridge to the prestigious (and especially enlarged) seat once occupied by Arthur Roche. Clearly, this was a simple confusion between Star Trek personages. As the picture shows, it is Spock who has Vin's ear.

Marcus Spock and Alban McCoy.

Uufortunately, Mgr Raymond Kirk of Chicago was excluded from consideration, owing to his extreme age.

Eccles-iastical rumours

Great excitement has been generated by rumours that the Pope told a divorced and remarried woman, Jacquelina Sabetta, that she was now allowed to take Communion. "Who am I to fudge?" he is said to have asked her. Without knowing whether or not this rumour is true, we should point out that many previous rumours about the Pope have been shown to be false, and caused by mistranslation, misreporting, misunderstanding or simply mischief. Here are some of the silliest.

POPE TO MARRY A MUSLIM WOMAN.

Centuries of tradition, whereby the Pope, and indeed all priests, are forbidden to marry were supposed to have been upset recently when the Pope was seen talking to an attractive Muslim lady. Said the Queen of Jordan (for it was she), "Don't be silly, Damian (who he?), we are just good friends."

FRANCIS WASHES SHEEP'S FEET ON MAUNDY THURSDAY.

The Maundy Thursday ritual of washing feet was challenged this year when it was claimed that the Pope had extended it to animals. Said a spokesman, "It is true that the Holy Father might wash the feet of a primate, but only if it were Justin Welby."

HOLY FATHER ADMITS THAT HE HAS A SON.

Despite the strong physical resemblance, it has been explained that these two popes are not related.

The rumour machine continues to grind on, with forecasts that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next bishop of Leeds (which has been sede vacante since Arthur Roche was packed off to Rome). Ten days have elapsed, and the good man still hasn't received the expected letter, so we must conclude that this bit of gossip was off the mark.

Dammit, Damian, I'm a doctor, not a bishop!

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We were going to blog about St George's Day as we did last year, but apparently it has been moved, owing to a clash with Easter. Curiously, one Very Famous Person Indeed found it was possible to celebrate Easter and St George at the same time.

They always said God was an Englishman.

The spiritual enneagram

Our attention was drawn to this event, advertised on the Leeds diocesan website. Note that Leeds has been sede vacante for over a year, since Arthur Roche moved to Rome - it seems that when the cat's away, the mice like to play.

Catholic paganism in Yorkshire?

For those who might find this event too exciting, other alternatives offered include "Day with Margaret Silf - The Other Side of Chaos" and "Circle Dance Weekend".

Many readers have asked me, "Eccles, what exactly is an enneagram, and how will it bring me spiritual nourishment?"

An enneagram - not to be confused with an enema.

"Yes, very helpful, Eccles," you are saying, "but what do I do with this nine-sided figure? Is it a map to help me with my liturgical dancing at Mass? Or do I wear it to repel demons?"

Well, this is tricky. Wikipedia tells us of the Enneagram of Personality, but it also says that it was criticised in a 2003 Vatican document Jesus Christ, the Bearer of the Water of Life. A Christian Reflection on the 'New Age', so of course the good Catholic folk of Ilkley, however much they may like dancing round stone circles, are not going to touch the "Enneagram of Personality" theory. No, that's right out.

How bishops are appointed. The nuncio uses the enneagram to make a random choice.

I continued my investigations, but the number 9 occurs rather rarely in the Bible, unlike, say, 7, 12 or 40. Certainly, Og of Bashan had an iron bed nine cubits long, but it was not particularly spiritual as beds go. Much later, Jesus healed ten lepers, of whom only one came back to say "thank you", prompting the words, "Were not ten made clean? and where are the nine?" Probably they were out circle-dancing.

More worryingly, there are nine circles of Hell in Dante's Inferno. But surely the damned do not indulge in circle dancing when they get there?

Just the place for some circle dancing.

We may be getting nearer the truth if we sing a popular hymn, "Green grow the rushes-O", with its reference to "Nine for the nine bright shiners". Except that nobody is sure whether these are planets or orders of angels.

The nine orders of angels. In Ilkley they speak of little else.

Certainly, nine is an important number in Hinduism (symbolising perfection) and Norse Mythology too. So if we take an ecumenical viewpoint, nine-ness is certainly something we should strive for. Perhaps it will help us to levitate...

A man with no visible means of support, except his stick.

No, I'm sorry, the whole thing smacks of New Age mumbo-jumbo. Perhaps I'm too old-fashioned - and need to accept that the world is changing. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, after all. All our cultural heritage is disappearing, as the following pictures show.

Traditional (L) and modern (R) vestments.

Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!

Rebel Catholics meet in Leeds

As reported enthusiastically by The Tablet (a formerly Catholic newspaper), the rebel group "A Call to Action" (ACTA) has taken advantage of the Sede vacante status of the Leeds diocese to occupy Hinsley Hall and preach dissent.

Hinsley Hall. Did ACTA mistake this for the Vatican?

According to the Tablet article, the meeting was organized by Chris Larkman, who lives in FEAR. Said he: "Bishops who are frightened of Rome, laity fearful of priests, priests fearful of bishops. It is not creative and there seems to be a lot of it in the Church."

The reign of terror, stage 1.

The Pope in Rome. If you are a bishop, be VERY afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 2.

A bishop (of sorts). If you are a priest, be EVEN MORE afraid.

The reign of terror, stage 3.

A priest. If you are a layman, why not hide behind the sofa?

Apparently ACTA is calling for better dialogue between bishops and laity on a variety of topics, including "a theology of sexuality more closely rooted in the experiences of the laity." Who knows? Perhaps this means that they will introduce the topic of homosexuality, which after all is NEVER mentioned in Catholic circles.

Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins discuss a theology of sexuality in The Hobbit.

We are relieved to see that Mgr Marcus Stock, the General Secretary of the Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, attended the meeting. Since he is a pillar of orthodoxy (apart from being unable to work out the date of Ascension Day), it is believed that he was alerted when the burglar alarm went off in Hinsley Hall, and he was summoned to investigate. But perhaps he also lives in FEAR. Who knows?

Mgr Stock, evidently afraid of the armed archbishop at his side.

Shocking claim about Sir Jimmy Savile

A new documentary about the late disc jockey and television personality, Sir Jimmy Savile, makes the shocking claim that Sir Jimmy engaged in activities that the BBC would normally condemn in the strongest possible terms. Yes, he was a Catholic.

An incriminating picture of Sir Jimmy and "Keith."

Said a BBC spokesman, "We at the BBC knew nothing of his secret life as a Catholic. We naturally assumed that he was atheist in good standing, otherwise we would never have employed him. But it seems that he got up to some very questionable activities in his spare time."

A model BBC employee.

Details are only now emerging of the sordid lifestyle enjoyed by Sir Jimmy. On a Sunday he would sneak into a sinister building known as a "church," where a man dressed in absurd clothes would conduct a ritual known to the initiated as a "Mass." Sir Jimmy would sometimes take part in carnal pursuits such as the "kiss of peace," and would sing songs with politically incorrect lyrics about some character called "God."

Another model BBC employee.

Sometimes, it is alleged, Sir Jimmy attended a ceremony called "Confession," where he tried to shock another Catholic by relating disgusting stories about his life, in which he had attempted to "Fix it" for many innocent victims.

Rumours that Sir Jimmy was a Catholic began to circulate at the time of his funeral. Said one commentator, "When I saw his coffin being taken into Leeds Cathedral, to be received by a man wearing a funny hat, I knew that something was up."

Sir Jimmy's coffin, being received by a man in a funny hat.

As a result of our investigations, we can confirm that the "man in the funny hat" was none other than "Bishop" Arthur Roche, now believed to be in hiding in Rome. Already, there are calls for Sir Jimmy to be posthumously stripped of his knighthood on account of his Catholic habits. There are many precedents for this, mostly dating from the 16th century.