AOC is the future of the Catholic Church

In a brilliant piece of writing, it has been revealed that Alexandria Occasional-Cortex (the woman with the part-time brain), alias AOC, is the future of the Catholic Church. Many readers (my aunt and my cat) have asked me to explain this in more detail for those who find the original article by Comrade Heidi Schlumpf too difficult to digest.

Comrade AOC, or "Big Sister" as she wishes to be known.

With the backing of Pope Francis, whose political views are very similar, and his likely successor Cardinal Cupich, AOC proposes to reform the Catholic Church in her own image.

Out goes the Pontifical Academy for Life, which was never very active anyway, and in comes the Pontifical Academy for Death, confirming once and for all that pro-life issues are no longer worth taking seriously. After all, as Fr James Martin LGBTSJ believes, you cannot be pro-life if you don't believe in gay marriage; or as St Greta of Thunderbird puts it, how DARE you try and save people's lives when the world is literally burning away into ashes. (How many polar bears have YOU seen today? Well, that proves it.) That great statesman and pious Catholic, Joe Biden, backs the Pontifical Academy for Death all the way.

Your new-look Vatican (St Lubyanka's Square)

So it's time to remodel the Vatican on socialist principles. The CDF will be closed down and replaced by the KGB (the Kongregation for Good Belief), which will punish all those who criticise our supreme leader Francis or the blessed Alexandria. Cells are already being built for Viganò, Schneider, Burke, Brandmüller, Zen, Sarah, Festing, and other dissidents, and these people will not be released until they have undergone a sacrament known as Cerebellum Mundabitur (washing of the brain); they will then sign a letter saying that they love Big Brother (the new more comradely title for the Holy Father).

Just what I've always wanted!

All churches will be closed down, and our subsidiary organization, BLM-Antifa-Extinction, or Soros-Gates Enterprises for short, will be responsible for setting fire to them. Catholic worship will be conducted by means of a two-way telescreen in every Catholic's house, which will check that all Catholic worship is compliant with socialist doctrine.

Every day the liturgy will include a two-minute hate, although the object of the hatred will change daily. Some times it will be the hated Trump, but it may also be the hated far-right Johnson, the hated Orbán, the hated Salvini, or whoever else our chief theological adviser (Comrade Massimo Faggioli) deems suitable for attack.

Finally, the Catholic Church's major shareholder, the Chinese People's Catholic Church, will be contributing ideas for the best way to control rebel Catholics - locking them in a dungeon and feeding them on bat soup is just one new idea that is being explored.

Comrade Schlumpf is right: the future of the Catholic Church is definitely Occasional-Cortex!

The World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

I don't know, I turn on the phone each morning to see what spiritual nourishment the world has to offer me, and every day there's another cardinal disgracing himself. If it isn't Dolan cosying up to Joe Biden, or Napier praising Occasional-Cortex, the pro-abortion dancer with the part-time brain cells, it's Rhino Marx bleating about a change in sexual morality.

The forgotten Marx brother.

So, after hitting my head against the wall seven times (Biblical), I decided that the only way for us saved laymen to express our disgust was to run a World Cup of Bad Cardinals.

Now, the World Cup of Bad Hymns was a great success, except that Marty Haugen still hasn't got in touch to thank me for his silver medal. We won't have 64 entrants this time, just a maximum of 32, so we should get through the tournament more quickly. Remember that 1 in 12 of the Disciples was unsaved, and my estimate is that we'll find a similar proportion of the 200+ cardinals in the same position.

Obviously, I'm excluding Pope Francis, out of respect for the office he bears, and let's leave McCarrick to rot in his beach house - he resigned from the College of Cardinals, anyway - but there are plenty more to choose from. Living ones only, though.

"I think we've got this one sewn up!"

Update: these are the 32 fine cardinals who will be competing. Some lesser-known villains were eliminated by lottery, but I think all the superstars are present.

Baldisseri, Becciu, Bertone, Braz de Aviz, Coccopalmerio, Cupich, Danneels, De Kesel, Dew, Dolan, Dziwisz, Errázuriz, Ezzati, Farrell, Gracias, Kasper, Ladaria, Mahony, Maradiaga, Marx, Napier, Nichols, Ouellet, Parolin, Ravasi, Schönborn, Sodano, Tagle, Ticona Porco, Tobin, Woelki, Wuerl.

Yes, yes, I know, this is a highly offensive ad hominem attack on the Princes of the Church, but, in the words of Terry-Thomas:

"You're an absolute shower!"

Oh, and thanks to @Rach_StBern, who "borrowed" it from Fountains Abbey, we even have a prize to hang round the neck of the winning cardinal.

May the worst man win!