The Synod of Bridlington

As historians know, the twenty-first century was the beginning of the period known as the Dark Ages, a time of intellectual darkness and barbarity. The weather was harsh, and, thanks to a reliance on wind turbines and the energy generated by hamsters running around in little wheels, there were frequent periods when heat and light were no longer available.

The solution to an energy crisis.

Britain was subject to waves of invaders from overseas. Some came from Scandinavia in long ships, wearing horned helmets. Others came from Poland, armed with plungers, pipe cutters and wrenches; their only wish being to settle on these islands to unblock drains and mend leaking pipes. Still others came in from Muslim lands, showing a passionate hatred for sausages and women's rights.

Education was in decline. Whereas once all children knew Latin, Greek, advanced calculus, brain surgery, and the kings of Israel and Judah at the age of five, the majority of school-leavers in the twenty-first century were unable to read and write anything except text messages; they used numbers only for operating their mobile phones.

No longer a suitable gift for a five-year-old.

Religion was in a parlous state. Christianity was on the verge of dying out, or was being perverted into strange forms in the name of "modernization". It was illegal to refuse to bake a cake for a same-sex couple who wished to hold a "wedding", indeed it was even considered "extremist" to disagree with their redefinition of marriage. Catholic bishops had affairs with married women, the Anglicans allowed bishops to divorce and remarry, and the Baptists didn't even have bishops to show them how to behave.

Of the dreadful year of 2014, the monks wrote in the Anglo-Saxon chronicle, Ye power of ye Magick Circkle cometh not to an end, and a group of demons calling itself ACTA wieldeth influence in ye lande. In other news, ye Pope in Rome hath decreed that ye feast of Alle Saintes shall be on ye first day of November, yet ye rascally bishops, led, so they say, by ye mischievous Cardinal Nickels, have chosen to move it to the Sundaye. And now a quick look at ye weather: it is expected to be cold and dark for the next 200 years.

Ye synod starteth at Bridlington.

In the end, another synod was called, at the Yorkshire town of Bridlington, so that the Catholic Church in England and Wales might agree on the date of All Saints (they had originally planned to hold the meeting in Whitby, as on an earlier occasion, but all the hotels were booked up). The Scottish church did not participate: they were loyal to the pope, and celebrated All Saints on the 1st November; besides, they were more interested in what came after, namely the day of "A' Souls", named in honour of Alexander yclept Salmon.

The Lord smiteth Alexander yclept Salmon.

So Catholicism in England and Wales stood on the brink: would it show loyalty to Pope Francis the Humble, or to Cardinal Nichols the Cunning? Would a new St Hilda emerge to put to flight the forces of rebellion? Er, well, ...

Special Bishops' questionnaire

We are now publishing a questionnaire, labelled "Ten questions that will help to shape the future of our church", which the Catholic faithful have asked their bishops to answer.

Wrong again, bishop. On to the next question?

1. Today is All Souls Day. How will you mark it? 
 (a) EF Missa Cantata with music from Cherubini's Requiem. 
 (b) NO Clown Mass with liturgically correct purple custard 
down the trousers.
 (c) I'll be practising my liturgical dancing.

At least it solves the problem of overweight bishops.

2. What is your attitude to popes?
 (a) Respect for his office, and loyalty to the Magisterium.
 (b) All popes from Peter to Benedict were terrible, but 
Francis brings a new dawn. The Tablet says so.
 (c) Best ignored. What I say in my diocese goes.

St Linus, as a child. Later, a typical traddy pope.

3. A hard-working highly-respected blogging priest in your diocese 
is grossly misrepresented by a third-rate local newspaper. 
How do you react?
 (a) Instantly apologise for what he said, although you 
haven't read it. 
 (b) Turn up to help at his soup kitchen as a sign that you 
support him.
 (c) Ignore the whole thing. It's his problem, not yours.

Could I have some more gruel, please, Bishop?

4. The churches in your diocese serve as:
 (a) An unrivalled opportunity for commercial redevelopment.
 (b) Centres at which the faithful can meet for worship.
 (c) Good places at which to pick up a copy of the Tablet.

Perhaps the Church needs to issue Clubcards as well.

5. Which of the following Catholic organizations do you support?
 (a) ACTA, Gay Pride, Quest.
 (b) The Calvary Chapel, the Orange Order, the Wee Frees.
 (c) None of the above.

Which bishop is behind the mask?

6. When you send your bishop's letter out, what happens to it?
 (a) The priest reads it out in a silly voice, rolling his eyes.
 (b) It is listened to with the respect due to a wise leader.
 (c) I send it out on DVD, together with a video about planned 
church closures.

Sometimes, reading out the letter is delegated to a more appropriate person.

7. What is your attitude to the sacrament of Confession?
 (a) It's OK to make up any old rubbish.
 (b) It is essential for Catholics to be absolved from their sins 
and to receive God's grace.
 (c) We don't really believe in sins these days, so I have 
cancelled it.

This confessional is no longer in use.

8. What comments do you hear when you sit in your Cathedra?
 (a) The bishop's here - now I know what a crook looks like.
 (b) I can't wait for us to be Sede Vacante again.
 (c) None at all (a trick question - you're not supposed to 
chat in church).

Bishops and crooks have always gone together.

9. What are your views on the ordination of women?
 (a) The new pope's not paying too much attention, so I've 
already slipped in half a dozen under his guard.
 (b) It is impossible.
 (c) My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
     Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Anglican, I think, but never mind.

10. Which is your favourite hymn?
 (a) Shine, Jesus, shine.
 (b) Alleluia Ch-Ch.
 (c) Salve Regina.

Paul Inwood (L) explains how to sing the "Salve Regina Ch-Ch".