Pope Francis goes on the attack

Pope Francis has finally decided to clamp down on undesirable conduct in the Catholic Church.

That's telling them!

When asked to give more details of the sort of bullying he was referring to, the Holy Father mentioned the case of an unnamed senior archbishop who was trying to stop Catholics from celebrating the traditional Latin Mass. "The fat pasta-filled buffoon is telling bishops to restrict the TLM and drive it underground," he growled. "I can't imagine where he got the idea!"

But it is not just bullying that Pope Francis objects to. "I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to learn that idolatry has been taking place in Rome itself!" he went on. "Some very foolish people have been worshipping the demon Pachamama (some even claimed that she was just another manifestation of the Blessed Virgin Mary!) If I find the people responsible, they'll end up in the Tiber!"

Roundly condemned by Pope Francis.

"I am also disgusted when I hear what is happening in China," he continued. "Some idiot came to an agreement that the Chinese could appoint their own bishops and persecute Catholic priests. Then when Cardinal Zen came to discuss the situation, he refused even to see him! What does he think he's playing at?"

"I saw reports that someone had slapped a poor Chinese woman who simply wanted to talk to me! This violence against women must cease!" he thundered. "All in all, the general administration of the Vatican is a DISGRACE. German synodal paths! Financial scandals! Toleration of the gay Mafia! Bullying the Order of Malta! It has got to STOP, do you hear?"

"All sorts of undesirables think they can get in to see me!"

But all is not lost. Pope Francis has promised to institute a full enquiry into the shocking state of the Vatican hierarchy, with a reporting date not later than 2062.

"Eat up your greens!" says Pope Francis

Pope Francis has given us the definitive - indeed Magisterial - message of today's Gospel about the feeding of the 5000. OUT go all references to Jesus feeding us, to bread, to any spiritual aspects of this miracle. But IN comes...

"Eat up your greens! Or do something else with them."

Coming soon is the Pope Francis Recipe Book, with a whole chapter on what to do with your leftover fish and bread. Eat it yourself ("we never thought of that"), turn it into something different ("if we had some roast beef, we could make it into roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, if we had some Yorkshire pudding"), give it to the poor ("Fish and bread? You joking, guv? The Anglicans are offering us gluten-free vegetarian unleaded low-fat hummus and soya fritters")... The possibilities are endless.

This should really be part of our "How to be a good pope" series. How to preach a sermon on the Feeding of the 5000 without saying anything that might offend the non-religious.

Over in Eccleston Square, the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have a better idea:

No message from the American bishops, who are all at McCarrick's farewell party.

Yes, that makes sense. Each Apostle was given a "goody bag", or, more precisely a "goody basket" of leftovers. Most of them didn't want any more food, and gave their share to Judas Iscariot.

Cardinal Dolan Judas Iscariot, after eating 12 baskets of fish and bread.

Anyway, back to Pope Francis, and his message about leftover food. Remember to eat up your greens, don't leave food on the side of your plate, or, if you really can't finish the food, turn it into something different. Eccles cakes?

Oh, and don't mention Jesus. I did, but I think I got away with it.

"I've never even heard of McCarrick" says Cardinal Farrell

Today, in a new statement to journalist Cindy Wooden ("Wooden by name, wooden by nature"), Cardinal Kevin Farrell announced, "I've never even heard of Cardinal McCarrick."

"But you lived with him for six years. Er, not in the 'Biblical' sense, of course..."

"No, it's all lies. I may technically have been ordained by him, but I really don't remember him. I was too busy trying to look holy."

Looking holy.

"Isn't that a Father Ted joke?"

"Look, I never met Father Ted. Or Uncle Ted."

"But you served as his auxiliary bishop."

"Did I really? That seems very improbable."

"You have no memory of Uncle Ted at all?"

"No, you know how is it when you're a priest, you get to meet all sorts of people, even your own bishop, but you can't be expected to remember names and faces."

"So when Cardinal McCarrick was having carnal relations with half of the young men in Washington, you were totally unware of what was going on?"

"That's right. I never heard any gossip. Or mysterious screams in the night. Or complaints."

"Thank you, Cardinal Farrell, I'm so glad we've cleared that up."

"Can we talk about my new discovery that priests have no credibility? Anything to change the subject..."

"So you've never met Cardinal Farrell, Holy Father?"