The Pilgrim's Ogress 10: Disciples of Satan

Continued from Part 9.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. After their spiritually nourishing encounter with Tina Beattie, they decide to test one of the pope's latest claims. Father James Martin SJ takes up the story.

A parish secretary deals with an unwelcome enquiry.

I am very honoured to have been invited to continue the tale of Eccles's wanderings. I know Eccles is a great fan of my books, especially How God can learn from us, which explains why God created mankind, and Invent your own heresy, in which I tell you how I developed the complex doctrines of Martinism, and how you too can have a heresy named after yourself. But I digress.

How God can learn from us.

Hearing of Pope Francis's words that parish secretaries were like disciples of Satan, Brother Eccles decided that the time had to come to take up the cudgels against such creatures. Now I don't run a parish myself, being a member of the America House Jesuit Community in Manhattan, where my brother Jesuits and I live a simple life of comradeship (and we hardly ever dress up as deaconesses, that's right out). So I advised Eccles to visit a typical English parish and see how Pope Francis SJ (!) had spoken nothing but the plain truth.

In our Jesuit community, Friday night is custard night!

Now Eccles's Auntie Moly did not come with him on this occasion, Apparently, she'd just been appointed to Pope Francis's commission to study the issue of women deacons, along with other famous Catholics such as Nancy Pelosi, Tony Flannery, Catherine Pepinster, Hans Küng, and Cardinal Marx. Packing six suitcases with bottles of gin, hair restorer, Zap-a-bug^TM insect killer spray, and other favourite tipples, she took a flight to Rome, leaving Eccles to confront the Disciple of Satan on his own.

Eccles knocked on the door of St Tharg's parish office and went in.

The Parish Secretary.

"GO AWAY!" screamed the Parish Secretary, who at that moment was crouched over the unconscious body of a Franciscan friar, preparing to drink his blood. "THE PILGRIMAGE TO LORD'S IS CANCELLED AS WE GOT THE WRONG SHRINE WE HAVE NO MORE RAFFLE TICKETS TO SELL THE REFUGEES DON'T WANT ANY MORE DONATIONS OF OLD SOCKS NO I DON'T KNOW WHO MURDERED THE ORGANIST TICKETS FOR THE CLOWN MASS AREN'T ON SALE YET FATHER ERIC HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO THE BISHOP AND DON'T TAKE AWAY THE BROKEN PIANO UNTIL WE'VE USED IT FOR OUR PAUL INWOOD CONCERT."

There was nothing Eccles could do. He tried attacking the parish secretary with all the weapons at his disposal - mercy, sarcasm, and a ripe selection of Pope-Francis-approved insults - but in the end he retired defeated. He'll never make the grade as a Jesuit.

In this case, even Mercy was not enough to overpower the Disciple of Satan.

Pope Francis sets up commission on slavery

Pope Francis has appointed twelve people to a commission to study the issue of slaves (both male and female), particularly their ministry in the early Church. This commission has been set up as a result of pressure from the International Union of Superior People, an organization that has long been campaigning for a return to the traditional arrangements seen in the early church. They mention, in particular, the epistle of Paul to Philemon, where Onesimus, a runaway slave, is returned to his master.

Roman slaves - doing the jobs that even deacons wouldn't touch.

Originally, it was expected that the commission would look into the role of "deaconesses" or "deaconettes" in the early church, but five minutes of research made it clear that they were nothing like the present-day deacons, being merely superior servants, and that their restoration would do nothing for the cause of women's ordination. It was therefore decided to broaden the remit of the commission.

How it will look - slaves attending Phyllis Zagano.

Fr James Martin SJ, a prominent Jesuit and inventor of Catholic teaching, has declared himself delighted with this "slavery" commission. "You don't understand how hard it is for priests to operate without the help of slaves," he explained. "For example, Fr Thomas Reese SJ has to darn his own Hillary Clinton underpants. If we can get back to a proper system of slavery, then this will give us all more time for the things that really matter, such as appearing on television shows."

"We need an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Which of you is it to be?"

Although slavery has been condemned several times by the Catholic Church, this was almost entirely before Vatican II, when all the rules changed. In this era, when migrants are anxious to enter the more developed countries of Europe and America, the Church is hoping to give a hand by bringing them in as slaves. Furthermore, in parishes where finances are hard, the priest's team of slaves can be hired out to the public for other jobs requiring unskilled labour, such as traffic warden, call-centre worker, or preacher at the local Anglican church.