God admits "I knew what McCarrick was up to"

We have seen a succession of implausible denials from Cardinals Wuerl, Farrell, Cupich, etc. that they knew that (ex-)Cardinal "Uncle Ted" McCarrick was anything other than a saintly being destined to be canonized soon after shuffling off his mortal coil. They never knew. They were shocked. Why weren't they told?

We have seen attacks from Martin, Rosica, Winters, Mickens, ... blaming any Catholics who do not happen to be homosexual for using the Tedgate affair to question the ethics of the St Gallen Mafia, the USCCB Gay Mafia, the Jesuits, the Pope, etc. They're all traddies. They go to Latin Masses. Some of them don't like Amoris Laetitia. Burn them!

We have seen total silence from the Pope himself, but since he lives his life without television, newspapers, internet, post, or friends, he cannot be expected to be aware that there is anything to worry about.

"Ted! How's tricks?"

Finally, God the Father has stepped up to the post and admitted that He, at least, knew perfectly well what McCarrick was up to. When asked why He had not stepped in to stop it with a bit of smiting - say a well-placed lightning bolt - the Almighty explained that in these Novum Testamentum days, smiting is out of fashion, and it's Mercy that's the Flavour of the Aeon.

"But I didn't design that dreadful Logo," explained God.

God is well-known for His reluctance to give direct answers to questions (or "dubia") submitted to Him in prayer. These include:
1. Is this it?
2. How do you do what you do to me?
3. What kind of fool am I?
4. Should I stay or should I go?
5. Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight? [Perhaps it was a mistake to add this one.]

"Is there no bomb in Gilead?" Another good question.

Nevertheless, the Almighty has promised to take action at the Day Of Judgement, and make things hot for some people. It's always hard to know who will end up as a sheep or a goat, but the general consensus seems to be that when the Dies Irae comes, Judas Iscariot, Nero, Henry VIII (sorry, Anglicans!), Hitler, and Sydney "Lord of the Dance" Carter went a bit too far in life, and will require good lawyers, or else a Surprise Redemption.

As for McCarrick, well we'll see...

How to preach a Royal Wedding sermon

Some day you may be invited to preach the sermon at a royal wedding, at which some lesser piece of royalty is joined in holy matrimony with a celebrity. There are not many unattached princes of marriageable age around at present, but who knows, Prince Andrew may have hit it off with Oprah Winfrey. So be prepared!

Don't be discouraged if someone looks the other way and turns off his hearing aid.

"Why me?" you ask. "Why can't Welby do it himself? All right, he's a great bore. But how about Nurse Sarah Mullally, the bishopess of London? Ten minutes of politically correct waffle, that will go straight to the heart, won't it?"

No. For whatever reason, the lot has fallen on you. An estimated 2 billion people will be listening in, so you must DUMB DOWN. No learned discourse on the spirituality of the lesser kings of Judah, or the precise translation of some particular word in the synoptic gospels. No, they want SEX.

I'm sorry. They want LOVE. Statistically, it has been shown that nearly 30% of people who get married are actually in love. Now, no C.S.-Lewisite subtleties about "Four loves" - Storge, Philia, Agape, Eros. Just bundle them all together and dig out some quotations about Love.

Obviously Jesus talked a lot about Love, and you can mention this. But don't forget to bring in some more important theologians such as Martin Luther King, and - if you like - Groucho Marx and Tommy Cooper ("Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.")

The ideal preacher, but sadly no longer with us.

After about 5 minutes of LOVE we can move onto another theme. Two ideas in one sermon may seem a little excessive, but let's use FIRE as well. Without fire there would have been no industrial revolution. Without fire, there would have been no cars to bring you to church. Without fire the fire brigade would be unemployed. Keep going.

Somewhere about now you can throw in some Biblical reference. Maybe to Balm in Gilead (also taken up by Edgar Allan Poe in "The Raven"?). Of course this will be over the heads of the non-religious.

When Mr Catholic Voices went a little balmy.

If you have any say in the wedding hymns, you can get them to sing that old Gospel Song "Stan Balmy", which seems to consist of this magic phrase repeated 946 times. This is what we call liturgical coherence.

Oh, slip in a reference to Teilhard de Chardin, even if you do call him "Tired Day Chardan". This will go down well with your celebrity audience, who will mostly think he's a fashion-designer.

Anyway, finish off now. Get back to LOVE, and hope that the happy couple haven't already got tired of each other. Money can't buy me love. Love is a many-splendoured thing. Thirty-love (one for Serena Williams there).... There is power in LOVE, which is why it is like FIRE.

A new palace for the Duke of Sus-sus-sus-sex.

See, easy, wasn't it?