Dead people don't come back to life

Today we have another guest post from Alice in Wonderland (age 11) of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. In January she explained very persuasively that Miracles are just a bit unlikely, and now she has an Easter message for us (or possibly a Good Friday message, she wasn't sure which was which).

Dead people don't come back to life.

Some people (like Fr Chasuble our school chaplain) will tell you that Good Friday is all about someone rising from the dead. But it isn't possible. IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T!!! Top marks for rhetoric, here, Alice - J. Eccles SJ (teacher). As a scientist, I tested this by experiment. So Auntie Doris has been sitting in the living room ever since she died 3 years ago. This proves that Christianity is bunk. QED.

There are other aspects about the passion narrative - I thought passion was a fruit, but Fr Chasuble says it's what we call the bits at the end of the gospels - that a trained scientist like me (We remember your detention for making hydrogen sulphide in the school toilets! J.E.) can easily refute. There's a bit about Peter (a famous person in the Bible) cutting off someone's ear and Jesus (another famous person) sticking it back on again. WELL, I TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. Mrs Van Gogh the school cook is very cross too!!! Marks for initiative, here, Alice! J.E.

Ear today, gone tomorrow (special joke by Alice!)

But let's get back to the big question. Fr Chasuble tells me that Easter is very important to Christians, although the Bible misses out the really important bits about bunny rabbits and eggs. So if dead people don't come back to life - as I have proved (QED) - then we can tell all those learned doctors of the church: St Thomas Augustine, St Basil the Fawlty, St Albert Mangus, ect. to pack it in.

Tomorrow I am going to Battley where lots of Muslims are hanging round a school trying to sell pictures of Mohammed. Won't they be surprised when I tell them that their sacred book the Michel Coren wasn't dictated by some supernatural God but was all made up! Have a good trip, Alice! J.E.

Happy Holy Days

Costume holy men

As Catholics in England and Wales celebrate Ascension Day today, three days later than the Pope does, we sent our reporter (Ecclesiastes, the secretary of Eccles) to interview Vincent Nichols, President of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Eccles: Happy Ascension Day, your Grace. Now why exactly did you decide to celebrate it today?

Vincent Nichols: We were going by the guidance given in the Acts of the Apostles, To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion, by many proofs, for forty-three days appearing to them, and speaking of the kingdom of God.

E: Sure that it wasn't forty days? Admit it, you wanted to stay in and watch television on Thursday night.

VN: Well, there was a very good programme on. Britain's Got Heresy, you know. 

E: I think I saw that one. Was that the one where Diarmaid MacCulloch and Tina Beattie were wrestling in a vat of custard, Anglicans versus Catholics?

A wrestling champion

VN: Yes, that's the one. But let's be serious now, Eccles. You can't expect faithful Catholics to go to church on any day except Sunday. That's why, from 2013, we shall be reorganizing Holy Week.

E: So Good Friday will not longer fall on a Friday?

VN: No, in the interests of efficiency, and getting "bums on seats," we shall have Maundy Sunday, Good Sunday and Easter Sunday on the same day, 42 days after Ash Sunday. After all, the date of Easter is a bit arbitrary, anyway, and our Eastern Orthodox Brethren tend to celebrate it a week or two later.

E: Won't Maundy-Good-Easter Sunday be rather busy?

VN: Perhaps a litte. We haven't yet decided whether to recommend three services or one big one. Probably, the latter, so that the Sabbath is kept fairly free for traditional devotions. IKEA, for example. As a gesture of generosity to the Ordinariate, I am going out later to buy them a flat-pack altar. Don't let anyone tell you that we're not making exceptional provision for these newcomers to the Church.

A gift for the Ordinariate

E: Thank you very much, Vincent Nichols. At least you won't have any trouble with Whitsun, eh?