Mogg "the wrong type of Catholic"

Criticism of Jacob Rees-Mogg continued to flood in today, after it suddenly became clear - to people who must have spent the last few years in the Burmese jungle or somewhere - that he was the wrong type of Catholic.

"Sorry, leaving dismembered mice on the floor is against my religion."

Said one commentator, Suzanne Moron of the Guardian: "Of course to us modern liberals, the word Catholic is synonymous with bigot, but we might be prepared to tolerate him in public life - say, as a cleaner at the House of Commons - if he would only repudiate his views on marriage and abortion. It's six times now that his wife has failed to do her civic duty and have a termination."

A distant relative, Sadiq Rees-Mohammed, M.P. for New Damascus (formerly the London Borough of Hackington), joined in the criticism. "When I went on the Piers Morgan show and was asked whether I supported the decapitation of infidels and the chucking of gays off the roofs of buildings, I explained that my religious views were a personal matter, and that put an end to the discussion! It would have been an Islamophobic hate crime to press me further!"

Sadiq Rees-Mohammed.

Peter Sutcliffe of the British Serial Killers Advisory Service agreed. "This 'pro-life' attitude of Mogg's is frankly, disgusting. When I was active in public life as the Yorkshire Ripper, I never felt that human life was valuable, so why should he? What a bigot!"

Rees-Mogg was defiant today. "Frankly, I'm not keen on stealing, false witness, and adultery, either," he confessed. "This does make me exceptional among MPs, where expenses-fiddling, lying, and extra-marital affairs are rather expected. The Whips keep asking me if I am feeling all right."

The traditional way of dealing with religious bigots like Rees-Mogg.

Pope Francis was unavailable for comment, but one of his key advisers, Cardinal Cupich, commented: "The last thing the Church needs at this time is Catholics who actually believe in something. I myself have never fallen into that trap! No, give me an atheist, or a Catholic like Piers Morgan, every time!"

France gets tough with Catholic terrorists

Following Pope Francis's wise comment, "If I speak of Islamic violence, I also have to speak of Catholic violence," President "Flanby" Hollande of France expressed himself "delighted" at his recent achievements in suppressing Catholic terrorism in Paris.

Inspector Clouseau steps in.

Today in the church of Sainte Rita in Paris, which is due for demolition so that a much-needed car park can be built, Inspector Clouseau and his merry men interrupted a Mass, dragging away the priest, altar servers, and congregation (including some pregnant women). As M. Clouseau explained "The priest refused to face me, but turned his back to me and started saying incantations in a foreign language - no doubt the Catholic equivalent of Allahu Akbar. I had no choice but to arrest him as a suspected terrorist."

One of the priest's accomplices is led off to the guillotine.

Celebrating this triumph, M. Hollande commented that it came only a week after the death of Fr Jacques Hamel. It will be recalled that Fr Hamel was guilty of a hate crime, in that he shouted at two peaceful knife-wielding gentlemen of foreign extraction who happened to be visiting his church.

Fr Jacques Hamel - an Islamophobic bigot.

When Policier Plodde arrived on the scene, he was grateful to the two visitors, Adel Kermiche and Abdel Malik Petitjean, for dealing with the "hate crime" situation so effectively. However, it was distressing to learn that, owing to a mix-up, the two visitors had also been killed.

Their finest hour - Les Flics use tear gas on demonstrators against mock "marriage".

Muslims offended by Fireman Sam

Following the bizarre incident in which the Fireman Sam programme was found guilty of Islamophobic "hate crime" after one character trod on a page from the Koran, other characters from children's programmes have got themselves into trouble.

"Sorry, I thought it was just an Arabic translation of Amoris Laetitia."

First up is Thomas the Tank Engine, where the introduction of a locomotive called Mohammed the Muslim Engine has been seen as a direct insult to the Prophet, especially as this engine is used to transport "unclean" meat, including sausages and bacon. However, the producers of the show had in fact made a special effort to appease Islamic fundamentalists, as the picture below shows.

Fatima the Express Train was made to wear a burka.

The Teletubbies, Messrs Tinky-Winky (possibly homosexual), Dipsy (clearly a heavy drinker), Laa-Laa (named after the atheist icon, Lalla Ward?) and Po (probably a coded reference to "Mo") are also in receipt of a fatwah, for embodying virtually all the vices known to Muslims.

Symbols of western decadence.

Finally, one more children's programme that has been deemed to cause offence to Muslims is the Canadian TV show The Holy and Blessed Coren, in which the hero, Michael Coren, tries out a new religion every week. Oh dear.

"Read my book Why Muslims are Right!"

Westminster Abbey becomes a mosque

As reported by the Anglican writers Cranmer and Ruth Gledhill, Westminster Abbey has been moving steadily Mecca-wards, with prayers describing Mohammed as a "prophet" - without the usual adjective "false" - and "the chosen one" - about which Christ might have had something to say. However, all is now explained with the news that Westminster Abbey is to be converted into a mosque. From now on the Dean should be referred to as Imam John Halal, er, Hall, although he will now have the option of choosing a more Islamic name, such as Abu Hamza, George Galloway, or simply Jihad John II.

Westminster Mosque, before some necessary alterations.

It is expected that Imam John will call the faithful to prayer every morning by shouting some suitable message from one of the towers of the mosque. Suggestions here include yelling the great religious hymn "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy wuzzy hair" at bemused passers-by, or possibly a simple message of invitation such as "There are tea and halal biscuits being served in the Giles Fraser Chapel." Since Westminster Abbey will be a "Liberal Muslim" mosque, we do not expect to see any signs of radical Islam, although the Teenagers' Radicalization Group will continue to meet on Wednesday evenings. Indeed, Canon Jane Sinclair will continue as a "Lady Imam", although naturally she will need to wear a burkha.

Will Vincent Nichols follow suit at Westminster Cathedral, which already resembles a mosque?

It is thought that the explanation for the change from Anglican (well, originally Catholic) Abbey to Islamic mosque may be linked to the promise from Labour leader Ed Miliband that "Islamophobia" will be made a crime if he wins the forthcoming general election. Christians, of course, enjoy no such protection.

Fighting against Islamophobia!

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This week's brain-teaser: a homosexual couple goes to a Muslim baker's demanding a "same-sex wedding" cake. When the Muslim proprietor refuses, they sue him. Is he guilty of homophobia, or are they guilty of Islamophobia?