The life of a secret nun

With the news that Pope Francis has killed the fatted calf for the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (the "prodigal nuns"), some readers have contacted me, saying "Who are these ladies? They don't look like nuns at all. Could they be the Women's Institute?"

"F" briefs the secret nuns.

Let me make it clear at the outset that I will have no truck with any jokes about their unusual habits. Now, where we?

The secret - or plain-clothes - nuns are an elite order of Catholic agents. They go around in "mufti", and are in most respects indistinguishable from ordinary members of the public. Their director, "F" has given some of them a "Licence to Pray", although this is only permitted in emergencies. One of their most famous agents is "Double-six seven", 667, or Jackie Bond, who often introduces herself by "The name's Bond, Sister Bond".

In England, "M" entertains some less prestigious "uniformed" nuns.

Some of the films in which Sister Bond's exploits have been recorded are Dr Küng, From Eccleston Square with Love, You're Only Resurrected Once, On His Holiness's Secret Service, and The Man with the Golden Vestments. Fans of the Bond series will remember another recurring character, the eccentric Cardinal K, who provides our heroine with the latest in a series of improbable new doctrines produced in his laboratory. Many of them don't work properly, or have undesirable side-effects.

Cardinal Martini - shaken but not stirred.

One question remains though: why are all "F"'s secret agents old ladies in their 70s? Wouldn't a younger agent be better able to thwart the plans of Ernst Stavro Dawkins or Rosa Toynbee? Sister Bond admits that this might be so, but maintains that it is all part of her disguise as a harmless old woman, whom nobody could possibly take seriously; and so far this is the case.

Two of the three wise men turn out to be fools

Biblical scholars have been very excited this week because newly-discovered accounts of the lives of the three wise men - Kasper, Müller, and Baldisseri - have been released, suggesting that two of them were "really rather silly".

According to the latest news, the only one of the three men who was actually wise - Müllchior - became very annoyed with a "religious" woman called Elsie Dubyarr, who had been pushing the boundaries of doctrine to breaking-point. It seems that she had given an Outstanding Leadership Award to King Herod, praising him for his novel approach to the under-2s.

Elsie Dubyarr and friends model the new "women religious" uniform.

Cardinal Müllchior felt that this was a heresy too far, and told her to go and sit on the naughty step until she could learn how to behave properly. However, his fellow-magus, Cardinal Casper, seems to have disagreed, suggesting that it was time to look again at church doctrine on infanticide. "After all, we shall soon be living in the 1st century" he pointed out, after checking his diary. "Oh, and aren't you sick of people being heroic? I know I am."

Cardinal Casper on his way to church.

Cardinal Balthassari, the third and wackiest of the "wise" men, suggested that church doctrine should evolve in time, so as to give God a chance to think again. "Don't some of us open our mouths without really thinking about what we wanted to say? I know I do, and I'm sure that God is like that too," he commented. Meanwhile, he suggested, the boundaries of good and evil always were a bit vague, and maybe not to be worried about too much.

---

In other news, Richard Dawkins has been catching up on his correspondence. First, he wrote to Gene Robinson, the very holy Episcopalian bishop, who divorced the husband for whom he divorced his wife, to congratulate him on confirming his theory of the Selfish Gene. If you wish to bet on the sex of Bishop Gene's next husband/wife/partner/bit on the side/laptop, then we expect that Paddy Power will be able to oblige.

Dawkins has also decided to sign the famous letter to the Telegraph about Britain not being a Christian country, two weeks after it was published (and in spite of previously affirming the opposite point of view). "I'm also hoping to add my signature to the American Declaration of Independence just to give it a bit more authority," he says, "as I hold it to be a self-evident truth that all men are created equal - except me, of course!"

Richard Dawkins signs the Magna Carta.