Explained Müller to us: "I am on a hit list of cardinals whose every word will be attacked by those whose mouths are bigger than their brains (others on the list include Burke and Sarah). I therefore produced my "Manifesto of Faith", consisting of excerpts from the Bible and the Catholic Catechism (documents with which my critics aren't very familiar), knowing that some people would jump on them."
I was hoping to catch Cupich as well, but so far he hasn't fallen for my trap.
Cardinal Kasper made some interesting comments, likening Müller to Martin Luther (actually, Wally probably thinks this is a compliment), and also moaning about half-truths and blanket statements. ("Jesus said that a man can only have one wife. This is a half-truth, as in fact he can have two!" said Kasper, sticking straws in his hair.)
Another commentator, Philip Pullella, decided that Müller's insistence on Catholic doctrine was a "thinly-veiled attack on the Pope". It is true that the Manifesto starts with "Let not your heart be troubled!” (John 14:1), which is definitely a sentiment that is not too popular in the Vatican. In fact the great Fr Tim Finigan, an old friend of this blog, came up with a brilliant comment that Pullella would no doubt appreciate:
Elsewhere the great theologian Massimo "Beans" Faggioli was also caught in Müller's web, when he labelled use of the Bible and CCC as "spreading dissent" and wondered whether the CDF could do anything about this scandalous outbreak of Catholic doctrine among cardinals. Moreover, Austen Ivereigh-Tusk (cousin of Donald) referred to "a naked power play", but this may have been because his mind was wandering when he heard Dr Victoria Bateman, the stripping don, speak about Brexit on Radio 4.
Well done, you caught that tedious gnome Ivereigh!
Still, we must congratulate Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who, like Cardinal Cupich, has so far not fallen into Müller's trap of criticising the Bible and CCC. Sometimes it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and leave no doubt about it.
A chance to brush up my skills!
The course started badly, as one of the assistant tutors, Fr Müller, was not present. "He's at Mass, Holy Father," explained an aide.
"Drag him out!" shouted the Pope. "God is used to being kept waiting, but I AM NOT."
He then went on to explain that the New Ways Ministry had recently given him an award as the most humble pope since Alexander VI, and he was confidently expecting the Freemasons to award him the Order of the Golden Moose for services to humility. So we could certainly learn from him!
"A drone! With a radar attachment to detect neo-Pelagians and zap them!
A Jesuit in a rainbow cassock wandered in, smoking a strange-looking cigarette. "Hey, man, is this the Coccopalmerio?" he asked, and promptly fell over. A fellow-student explained to me that "Coccopalmerio" is slang for a particular type of party, although he did not give details.
Meanwhile, the Pope had taken advantage of the break in the proceedings to fire one of his cardinals. In fact, he said "Off with his head!" but it was unlikely that things would be taken that far, and the Swiss Guards would simply break one of his legs. This is what "mercy" means!
Pope Francis concluded his course by explaining that, no matter how charming you were, you could easily be misunderstood. For a Jesuit, this is not a problem, of course, but he showed us a tweet from one of his most loyal sycophants.
This is not gloating, this is mercy.
"Unfortunately Ivereigh couldn't attend today's class," he said, "which is a shame, as he could learn a lot from it."
What a pity there isn't some sort of organization that could give training to Catholic commentators such as Austen, so that they could express themselves clearly and avoid being misunderstood!
"Fear not, Master Fisher, they kill us now, but will praise us in tweets five hundred years hence."
Actually, there is nothing new to see here. According to the Gospel of Wikipedia, which is always right: In 1980, despite their opposing the English Reformation, More and Fisher were jointly added as martyrs of the Reformation to the Church of England's calendar of "Saints and Heroes of the Christian Church", to be commemorated every 6 July (the date of More's execution) as "Thomas More, Scholar, and John Fisher, Bishop of Rochester, Reformation Martyrs, 1535".
So far very few reciprocal gestures have been seen from the Catholic Church. However, Pope Francis is a great fan of Martin Luther, and he models his style of governance on that of Henry VIII*, so it cannot be long before these two gentlemen become Doctors of the Church.
*Gerhard! Lie low if you will, but I'll brook no opposition - no noise! No words, no signs, no letters, no pamphlets - Mind that, Gerhard - no writings against me! (A Man for all Seasons).
So what about Mary Tudor?
Technically, of course, Mary Tudor is not a martyr, although Catholics say that she was a martyr to ill health. On the other hand, these days we must remember that the
Reformation and all things asoociated with it were A Good Thing, as they led to the modern Christian churches with their new priorities of Equality, Diversity, Climate Change, Transgendered Awareness,
Drug-fuelled gay orgies in the Vatican, Jesuits building bridges, etc., rather than the pre-Reformation values of Faith, Hope and Charity. So can Mary be denied the title of
"Saint and Heroine of the Christian Church"? I think not.
"Well, yes, she did burn me. A little. But I probably deserved it."
All that remains now is for the Catholics to celebrate Queen Elizabeth I, another keen smiter of "heretics", and perhaps Thomas Cromwell, too. Then we can agree on the following joint statement between Anglicans and Catholics:
THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY WAS A GOLDEN AGE, AND THE TUDORS WERE ALL JOLLY GOOD CHAPS. THE REFORMATION WAS A GREAT SUCCESS AND EVERYONE HAD A SUPER TIME. VISITING RUINED ABBEYS MAKES FOR A REALLY GOOD DAY OUT, WHICH WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO IF A LOAD OF BORING MONKS WERE STILL THERE PRAYING, STUDYING, ETC. HOW UNCOOL IS THAT?
This is what an abbey should look like!
F: It's going well. Burke is now an unperson, Pell has been framed, we're sacking Müller today. Next on the list is Sarah - I wonder what we can do about him?
"Poison his beer, O Infallible Master."
There is a knock on the door, and Spadaro goes to welcome Cardinal Müller to his morning audience. Müller enters, kisses the Pope's ring, aims a kick at Spadaro, etc.
F: Welcome, my son. What is ailing you?
M: Holy Father, I think we must finally do something about Fr James Martin. The man's heresies are so absurd that even the Lutherans say "I wouldn't go that far!" Also, he is bringing the Church into disrepute by celebrating "gay" Masses dressed in a rainbow loincloth.
The Pride of the Vatican.
F: I have news for you my son. Guess who runs the Inquisition?
M: The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith? I do, surely?
F: No, you're fired. I'm appointing your Deputy, Luis Ladaria. So from now on, we've got a Spanish Inquisition.
M: I wasn't expecting a Spanish Inquisition!
Archbishop Ladaria bursts in, with two other cardinals, and they recite lines from the well-known Monty Python sketch.
Nobody expects...
L: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our two main weapons are fear and surprise. Surprise and fear. And discernment. Three main weapons.
F: All right, all right, you can finish this later. Don't forget the bit about "An almost fanatical dedication to the new Magisterium of Amoris Laetitia".
L: I have to go, Holy Father: we are planning a midnight raid on a bunch of Catholic priest-bloggers who insist on pre-2013 teaching. Finigan, Blake, Zuhlsdorf, ... all the usual suspects. (Exit.)
F (mutters): "Discernment" is good. Little Austen Ivereigh says that only Jesuits can do discernment. The fact is, it just means "make it up as you go along". Mind you, only Jesuits know that.
Oh, by the way, Müller, you've lost your other jobs too - Pontifical Biblical Commission, Ecclesia Dei, International Theological Commission. Now get out!
M: I'll send you some Dubia, Holy Father! (Exit.)
At least it wasn't Schönborn. Balloons all round!
From luigi@gammarelli.com
Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father, given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.
Pope Francis displays his new vestments.
From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk
Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what! If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.
Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!
From festing@maltese.double-cross.org
You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.
Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.
From spadaro@vatican.com
Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)
From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org
Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!
Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.
From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org
Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin' before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.
From mueller@vatican.com
Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk. Gerhard.
Apologies for the clichéd prose style - I'm hoping for a job with Crux.
Reports have come in that other world leaders hoping for Nobel Peace Prizes - Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Bashar al-Assad - even Meryl Streep - are also offering to intervene before the pope "goes nuclear".
Cardinal Müller (R) - found his horse's head in his bed.
Latest reports indicate that Cardinal Müller, prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, has been made an offer he couldn't refuse. After originally offering to help the pope with those five terribly difficult dubia questions, he has now done what is known in theological circles as a "reverse ferret" and claimed that Amoris Laetitia is “very clear” in its teaching, everyone understands what it means, no need to ask the pope any questions, move along there please, ...
Said Syria's Bashar al-Assad, "Our intelligence reports indicated that Pope Francis has been stockpiling Sarin nerve gas, and is prepared to use it on the four cardinals (and indeed their numerous supporters). As a humanitarian I want to make sure we never get to that stage."
Wacko, chaps! Off to blitz the jolly old dissidents!
Vladimir Putin added, "Owing to a misunderstanding of how the Order of Malta functions, it appears that the Vatican is planning a major invasion of Malta, led by Generalissimo Spadaro of the pope's own Wormtongue Division (the 'old innumerates'). We want to bring the parties involved back to the conference table, to see whether the 'von Boeselager affair' can be settled without bloodshed."
The Vatican's Doomsday Clock approaches midnight.
Obviously readers of this blog will have no trouble here, although most non-religious members of the general public will probably only identify the chap on the right. The lady on the left is of course St Mary, and she may even appear in a few remaining nativity plays, although, out of deference to the sensibilities of Muslims, atheists, etc. she is nowadays only allowed to hold a teddy-bear rather than the baby Jesus.
The chap in the middle? There's a clue in the keys, isn't there? Unlikely to be St Zita of Lucca, the patron saint of lost keys, as she was definitely female. Although in these days of gender-flexibility, who knows? Anyway, the answer of course is St Peter, the rock on whom the Church is said to be founded.
Which leaves number three, St Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus or even Father Christmas. Everyone knows him. People are even paid to impersonate him and sit in "Santa's Grotto" giving out toys around this time of year.
St Nicholas (15th March 270 – 6th December 343) was bishop of Myra. He is known for going "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and keeping company with elves who made toys. This is unusual for bishops, although there is perhaps an obvious exception (instead of elves, he has the St Patrick's Day Parade).
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" says Cardinal Dolan.
It is difficult to find many other bon mots attributable to the bishop of Myra. Some say that he used to ask people "Have you been naughty or nice this year?" - a function now partly taken by Cardinal Müller of the Inquisition. Another wise saying attributable to St Nicholas is "Come and sit on my knee, little girl, and tell me what you'd like for Christmas" - there is currently no bishop with this specific responsibility, as far as we could tell.
Myra is in Turkey, a rather warm place to find reindeer, and so the legend that its bishop used to drive around in a reindeer-drawn sleigh with jingling bells is disputed by scholars. One may expect to hear a certain hymn on Songs of Praise, which, in its original plainsong version, went something like this:
Let the bells jingle, for is it not pleasing to ride in an open sleigh that is drawn by a single horse?
All in a night's work for your bishop.
Thus it is possible that the bishop's "one horse" has been exaggerated into "eight reindeer", possibly including a ninth with a red nose. A historian's lot is not a happy one.
Well, that's all you really need to know, except that St Nicholas is remembered for various miracles - the one in which he squeezed himself down all the chimneys in Myra in a single night in order to leave gifts is perhaps the most famous, although there are others, such as the one about resurrecting three dead-and-pickled boys, which is a bit too gruesome for a blog like this.
Anyway, St Nicholas is appreciated by Christians and atheists alike, and that must be something of a miracle.
"I'm staying up all night in the hope of seeing Santa Claus."
Theology? An ology? She gets an ology and she thinks she's failed?
Of course St Paul notoriously wrote "Women keep silent in church" (1 Corinthians 14:34), but modern theological scholarship has concluded that this was probably an over-reaction after the day he took his Auntie Moly to church with him and she kept up a constant commentary of "Woeful!" Archbishop Leo's interdiction - according to the Tablet - is even fiercer, and dear Tina will not even be able to speak on church property. So even a "good morning, bruvver Eccles" will be a hanging offence if she says it while standing in the church car park.
Archbishop Cushing.
Leo Cushley was apparently acting on instructions from the Inquisition (now known as the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith), and this is evidence that even in Rome the writings of dear Tina are scutinised for heresy. Tina, as a close friend of yours, may I give you some advice? If one day you are lecturing in Roehampton and you find Cardinal Gerhard Müller sitting in the audience, BE VERY AFRAID. Drop your plans to explain how abortion and same-sex marriage are key Catholic doctrines, forget any possibility of comparing the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse: go for something uncontroversial, like the parable of the sower and the seed, while keeping off rude jokes about seed.
The campaign goes on.
To be banned once (Clifton), Tina, may be a misfortune; to be banned twice (San Diego also), looks like carelessness. To be banned three times (Edinburgh) looks very much as though someone thinks you've been misbehaving. But we're not going to take this lying down, are we, Tina? Forget the massacres of IS/ISIS/ISIL/SS (Satanic State)! Forget the fact that Cardinal Kasper was cornered by 20 cardinals led by George Pell, and had his head pushed down the Vatican toilets! Forget the fact that the Catholic Church in Scotland is now run by the SNP! No, the burning issue today is JUSTICE FOR TINA! Write to the Pope now! Write to Gerhard Müller! Write to the Tablet! Write to the Beano!
45% of Scots said that Tina was welcome to lecture in their homes!
According to the latest news, the only one of the three men who was actually wise - Müllchior - became very annoyed with a "religious" woman called Elsie Dubyarr, who had been pushing the boundaries of doctrine to breaking-point. It seems that she had given an Outstanding Leadership Award to King Herod, praising him for his novel approach to the under-2s.
Elsie Dubyarr and friends model the new "women religious" uniform.
Cardinal Müllchior felt that this was a heresy too far, and told her to go and sit on the naughty step until she could learn how to behave properly. However, his fellow-magus, Cardinal Casper, seems to have disagreed, suggesting that it was time to look again at church doctrine on infanticide. "After all, we shall soon be living in the 1st century" he pointed out, after checking his diary. "Oh, and aren't you sick of people being heroic? I know I am."
Cardinal Casper on his way to church.
Cardinal Balthassari, the third and wackiest of the "wise" men, suggested that church doctrine should evolve in time, so as to give God a chance to think again. "Don't some of us open our mouths without really thinking about what we wanted to say? I know I do, and I'm sure that God is like that too," he commented. Meanwhile, he suggested, the boundaries of good and evil always were a bit vague, and maybe not to be worried about too much.
In other news, Richard Dawkins has been catching up on his correspondence. First, he wrote to Gene Robinson, the very holy Episcopalian bishop, who divorced the husband for whom he divorced his wife, to congratulate him on confirming his theory of the Selfish Gene. If you wish to bet on the sex of Bishop Gene's next husband/wife/partner/bit on the side/laptop, then we expect that Paddy Power will be able to oblige.
Dawkins has also decided to sign the famous letter to the Telegraph about Britain not being a Christian country, two weeks after it was published (and in spite of previously affirming the opposite point of view). "I'm also hoping to add my signature to the American Declaration of Independence just to give it a bit more authority," he says, "as I hold it to be a self-evident truth that all men are created equal - except me, of course!"
Richard Dawkins signs the Magna Carta.
To: Cardinal Gerhard Müller, Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.
From: Alfred Xuereb, first private secretary of Pope Francis.
Could you sign the excommunication order for Enda Kenny, Holy Father?
Your Eminence,
Thank you for your memorandum expressing concern that the Holy Father may have too much time on his hands, which is why he has got into the habit of phoning up random Catholics for a chat. Following your advice, we are proposing a full programme of activities to keep him busier. Here are some ideas:
1. Canonizations. The recent ceremony was very popular, and succeeded in winding-up the non-Catholics as well as the Tablet paper. We propose some more high-profile canonizations, possibly including Pope Pius XII, Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada, Pope Alexander VI, and Pontius Pilate. The resulting controversy should keep the Pope fully occupied.
Nobody expects Cardinal St Ximénes de Cisneros!
2. Excommunications. We have received petitions for the excommunication of Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, Tony Flannery, Enda "Enda Life" Kenny and Bishop Michael Campbell (this last one may be a misunderstanding, but we will appoint a "God's Advocate" to look into the question, all the same).
Oh yes, I'm a pious Catholic, Holy Father!
3. Travel. Pope Francis is not such a good traveller as Pope St John-Paul II was, but we should be able to pack him off to a few exciting places.
Pope Francis has expressed an interest in riding on a tram in Croydon.
4. If all else fails, we will suggest to the Pope that he release some more symbols of peace. We haven't had much luck with doves, but he could try sending out creatures such as wild boar, alligators and tigers into the streets of Rome: they can probably take care of themselves.
Pope Benedict releases a "lion of peace".
Anyway, all further suggestions will be gratefully received. At present Pope Francis spends a lot of time in front of the television, gloomily watching re-runs of The Two Marinis, and it can't be good for him.
It's "Ite, missa est" from me - and it's "Ite, missa est" from him!
