Diarmuid Martin punishes all his clergy

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has finally shaken off the labels "weak", "spineless" and "pathetic", which he has received so many times, and taken action. He has at last punished the entire clergy of his Archdiocese for affirming Catholic teaching.

It began quietly enough, when he disciplined Fr James Larkin for being dangerously pro-life. Fr Larkin had spoken against the Irish referendum, and pointed out that anyone who had voted "yes" (through ignorance, through weakness, through their own deliberate fault, as the Anglican Prayer Book puts it) should regard this as a sin and go to Confession.

Diarmuid Martin, Dublin's Iron Man.

Now, however, the good Archbishop has noticed that many of his priests are expressing dangerously pro-life attitudes; the others, less interested in the question whether babies in the womb should be dismembered, are still receiving confessions, or at least conducting masses in which the "Kyrie" is present. "Better be on the safe side," he said today, "and punish the lot of them."

There are of course difficulties in exiling several hundred priests to Craggy Island, or dumping them on the Loreto sisters in Rathfarnham, but the good archbishop is working hard to find a solution. The other problem is that Irish churches will no longer have priests to offer Mass: however, in the era of Diarmuid most Catholics have stopped attending church anyway, so this may not be a serious difficulty.

Well done, thou good and faithful servant!

It is not known how Archbishop Martin himself voted on the 8th Amendment Referendum; at the time he made very vague pro-life noises, but obviously the whole point of the Catholic Church is that it should stay in step with whatever secular government is in power. Did not Jesus say "Render unto Caesar whatever he asks of you: God really isn't bothered"?

Many priests in the Dublin Archdiocese are angry with the archbishop for his decision to exile them. One at least has taken the matter into his own hands, or rather feet.

The martrydom of Archbishop Diarmuid.

In view of the wide dislike for Dublin's spiritual leader expressed by ordinary Catholics, it cannot be long before Pope Francis makes him a cardinal. It worked for Cupich.

Irish people plan a mass suicide pact

Following the result of the referendum on abortion, and the decision by Irish politicians to press for euthanasia next ("anything to annoy the Catholic Church"), many Irish people feel that they should now go the whole way - instead of merely exterminating the very young and very old, why not wipe out the entire population?

Ireland as it will look: empty.

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has already given his backing to this mass suicide pact, explaining that "It is surely God's will to return Ireland to the state it was in when He created it - empty. Or, if it wasn't, don't expect me to speak out until after we've all been killed!"

The actual mechanism of the mass extermination of the Irish people is still to be decided. Historically, potato famines were very popular, but nowadays the only consequence of a potato famine would be that the Irish would no longer have to put up with that arch-bore Gary Lineker advertising his unhealthy snacks. Still, that alone makes this seem like a good idea.

Enough to make you yearn for another potato famine.

Clearly some more systematic way for the Irish to destroy themselves is required. Prime Minister Varadkar has organized a survey asking people which groups they would like to see exterminated first, and the following sections of the population were particularly disliked:

children, adults, the young, the old, the middle-aged, the religious, the non-religious, the whites, the blacks, the other races, tinkers, tailors, soldiers, sailors, rich men, poor men, beggarmen, thieves, fathers, mothers, males, females, people of undecided or indescribable sex/gender, tourists, local residents, hairy people, bald people, heterosexuals, homosexuals, anything else-sexuals, people called "Martin", people not called "Martin", the employed, the unemployed, the sick, the healthy, ...

For each of these groups it is possible to find someone who dislikes them, so into the suicide booths they go!

Ah yes, the suicide booths. Well they will look like this:

New-look suicide booth (no longer required for its original purpose).

There have already been some comments from devoutly religious British politicians on the MIDA ("Make Ireland Dead Again") plan. Theresa May thinks it's a wonderful idea, but Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn't. Still, if MIDA is a success, then the United Kingdom is certain to follow suit.

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Administrative note: for the last 5 days I have not received e-mail notifications about comments posted on this luvvly blogg. So I have only just realised there was a backlog. Sorry.

Pope cancels visit to Ireland

Following the Irish referendum on abortion, in which the main message (apart from "We think killing babies is OK") was "We hate Catholics", Pope Francis has decided to cancel his planned visit to Dublin this August.

Apparently, the visit was planned to coincide with concluding events of the World Meeting of Families. However it is clear that the Irish model of a family is not (as it used to be) mother, father, 8 children, and a pig (as recommended in Amoris Laetitia), but now simply a couple, possibly even same-sex, probably unmarried, and with no children whatsoever. So what's the point?

Leo Varadkar explains his policies for the family.

Ireland also suffers from a severe shortage of Catholics. The choice for the Pope lies between meeting people like Archbishop Diarmuid Martin the spineless ("the man who makes even Vincent Nichols look like a spiritual leader"), or Fr Tony Flannery the egocentric rebel and his Association of Catholic Priests ("the man who makes Fr Jack of Craggy Island look like a peaceful holy man").

One possibility is that Pope Francis will go to Belfast instead. There, the Protestants are Catholic, and the Catholics Protestant, at least when it comes to moral issues, and so the Holy Father may not be so unwelcome.

It's also possible that Francis will want to go to the mainland of Great Britain and meet Theresa May, although the old girl has also expressed her delight in the "success" of the Irish referendum. Unless the saintly Jacob Rees-Mogg is Prime Minister by August, which is about as likely as the saintly Cardinal Sarah becoming Pope by then.

Pope Francis meeting Theresa May.

Or maybe Pope Francis will go back to Chile in August. This may be a wise move as most of the Chilean Catholics are in Rome and out for his blood.

No, Pope Francis tells us that his best bet is a quiet week or two in a coastal resort such as Margate or Cromer. Fr Spadaro's got his eye on a lovely seaside cottage called "Dundictatin" which might just suit him...

The snakes return to Ireland

Well, St Patrick did his best. For many years Ireland was a Catholic country, and not just the "you wouldn't notice" sort that we see with Fr James Martin, Cardinal Marx, or Cardinal Nichols. The snakes had been driven out, and there was a general feeling that killing babies, the weak, the old, the disabled, someone whose face you don't like, or someone with a different political opinion, was an activity condemned by decent people.

But then things changed. It just took a few key words to brainwash people: "Magdalene Laundries", "Savita", "Tuam". None of these was really very relevant. Unlike "blood", "slaughter", "murder", "dismemberment", "pain", which would seem to be more linked to the abortion debate.

A particularly venomous creature slithers into Ireland.

The Irish politicians seem to be mostly of the serpentine variety, but then so are the journalists, including such luminaries as Tintin O'Foole, whom I mention because I came across him for the first time today. With luck I won't have to come across this little snake again.

How about the Catholic Church? Well Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin, known internationally for his spinelessness, did make some comment that could be interpreted as being pro-life, but as usual he did it very quietly, holding a handkerchief over his face so that nobody would know he'd said it.

Pope Francis forgot...

Don't expect any laughs from this post, folks. I have nothing but contempt for those who are not pro-life, and they can rot in Hell. And probably will.