Tributes to Pope Francis on his 5th anniversary

Five years ago today, a figure dressed in white came out on the balcony of St Peter's, to be greeted by enthusiastic cries of "Who the heck is that?" Yes, it was Jorge Belgrano Bergoglio, variously described as "St Francis II" (by himself), "The Dictator Pope" (by that rude 16th Century general, Marcantonio Colonna) and "The Great Reformer" (a bit of wishful thinking by little Austen Ivereigh).

"I'd like to thank my agents, the St Gallen Mafia, ... and of course God."

Tributes have been pouring in, led by Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI, and we are happy to print some of them here.

Pope Benedict XVI: Ow! Let go of my ear! I'll sign anything you like! All right, here goes. Pope Francis is a man of profound philosophical and theological formation. I mean, look, I may have written over 50 books myself (beginning with the very short Theological Highlights of Vatican II), and Francis still finds that a colouring book is a bit of an intellectual challenge if they don't tell you what colours to use - all right, Fr Spadaro, I'll drop that bit - but... anyway, the theology of Pope Francis is like the theology of nobody else, and everything he teaches is in continuity with what went before, even when it contradicts it. I can't say fairer than that!

The Pope Francis colouring book. "I haven't read it, but it's very good."

Cardinal Burke: I wish Pope Francis well on his anniversary. To tell the truth, I never wanted to know the answers to the Dubia anyway, and Francis is doing a great job in keeping them secret. For clarity of teaching, guidance, and a perpetual willingness to answer questions, you can't do better than the Holy Father!

Fra' Matthew Festing: I was very pleased to be told by Pope Francis that I had voluntarily retired as 79th Prince and Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta. This left me more time for my own hobbies of hunting, shooting, and fishing. I also take an interest in historic churches as well as my collection of wax dummies: these are all effigies of Pope Francis, so you can see how much I respect the man whose coup at the Order of Malta was almost entirely bloodless.

Mrs Mary McAleese: Our recent Voices of Faith conference in Rome, marking International Whiners' Day, was very successful, and it was a great shame that I did not get to meet you, Pope Francis. We sent you a letter of invitation but - would you believe it - you never read it! Now, normally I reject the patriarchal clerical hegemony of the Catholic Church - along with its teachings on abortion, marriage, homosexuality, God, Jesus, ... well, everything really. But I am a faithful Catholic all the same, and therefore I offer you, Francis, in the spirit of friendship, a short 94-page working document explaining how I will do things so much better when I become Pope.

"Also, I had to leave early as my husband needed some clean socks and a proper cooked dinner."

Cardinal Sarah: I have always preached the virtues of silence, and there is no better time than now.

Mary McAleese is invited to advise the Pope

Pope Francis has reacted quickly to a speech by Mary McAleese (ex-President of Ireland) by inviting her to be his special adviser on the subject of muddle-headed chumps.

The elephant in the room.

"The elephant in the room is that there are many muddle-headed chumps in the Catholic church," explained a Vatican spokesman. "Previously, people who called themselves Catholics while in fact they simply failed to understand Christian teaching kept their problems to themselves, but now more and more people are coming out and saying 'Yes, I'm a muddle-headed chump, and proud of it!' and we need to treat them with love and understanding."

Special roadsigns for muddle-headed chumps.

Mrs McAleese nailed her muddle-headed chump credentials firmly to the elephant, er, mast, by proposing in all seriousness that Cardinal Keith O'Brien, currently languishing in an abbey somewhere near Wolverhampton, should be brought back and asked to help the Church change its teaching on homosexuality. As an encore, she is expected to propose that William Finnegan, the Bradford priest who was secretly married and recently jailed for sexual assault, should advise the Catholic Church on how to update Christ's teachings on sexual morality.

Mary McAleese's appointment has been greeted with enthusiasm by Tony Flannery of the Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests (CRAP), himself happy to be known as a muddle-headed chump. "She has put the cat amongst the pigeons," he said, apparently unaware that such actions are normally considered to be cruelty to animals.

A cat, possibly belonging to Mary McAleese.

Mrs McAleese, once regarded as the 64th most powerful woman in the world, has now shot into the list of the 10 women with most influence in the Catholic Church (somewhere behind Tina Beattie, Catherine Pepinster and Cristina Odone), and it is clear that the issue of muddle-headed chumpness is one that the Catholic Church is determined to face.

Mary McAleese and her friend Enda Life.

More traditional Catholics, those who feel that muddle-headed chumps should try to suppress their urge to put their foot in their mouth every time they open it, are clearly going to be horrified as a new broom of change blows through the corridors of the Vatican and sweeps away the elephant in the room. Sorry, we're having "bad metaphor day" today.