Advice to worshippers at St Big Benedict's Church

Fr John Bercow writes:

Hello, and welcome to St Big Benedict's Church, Westminster, which is I hope a model for churches everywhere. We have had a few problems recently linked to the arrival of new worshippers, mostly from Scotland, so I think it would be helpful for me to explain what is considered to be appropriate conduct during Mass.

St Big Benedict's Church.

1. No clapping in church. We're not happy-clappies you know! The way to signify your approval of a prayer is with a simple "Amen", not a frenzy of clapping and cries of "You really socked it to us there, Father!" If the deacon manages to read the lesson without falling over, there is no need to give him a standing ovation, gifts of flowers, etc. Just act as if it was perfectly normal behaviour.

2. No selfies in church. That includes you, Mhairi Black, you naughty girl! if we let you worship with the grown-ups, rather the attending the under-9s junior church, then you must learn to behave!

We have a naughty step for people like you, Mhairi!

3. No fighting for seats. Poor old Grandad Skinner tells me that he has to come in at 4 a.m. now in order to avoid having his pew taken by our Scottish worshippers; I appreciate that some of you don't realise that he has occupied the same seat for 94 years. Have respect for an old man's wishes - remember. it's row 66, seat 6, that's the number of the Beast of Bolsover. By the way, Grandad, if you could try and stay awake in the service, and stop waking up suddenly with cries of "rubbish!" then we will all be happier.

"... and when I were a lad we 'ad to get up at 3 a.m. to go down t'pew.

4. Dress appropriately! Men should wear trousers, and women skirts, not the other way round! And what was all that nonsense about wearing white roses in Mass? Who do you think you are, Geoff Boycott? Apparently the roses weren't from Scotland, or indeed Yorkshire, but were lovingly grown by slaves in Africa. So what was the point, eh?

5. We are a religious institution. So if I ask you to confess your sins, you do not reply "I deny everything!" Moreover, when the collection bag goes round, put money in, don't take it out. If you have an urgent need for a duck house, you buy with it your own money, not ours!

God Bless!

Fr Bercow, robed for Mass.

The Scottish bishops disaster

By William McGonagall

'Twas in the year twenty-fifteen
That strange events in Scotland were seen:
The Nationalists' hopes began to burgeon
Because of a bonnie wee lass called Sturgeon,
Who was bound to do well in the General Election
Because of a mood of disaffection.

The Catholic bishops were all very fine,
Except perhaps for Keith O'Brien.
Of the rest I would mention especially
Philip Tartaglia and Leo Cushley.
Devine was divine, and as for Toal,
There was quite a high chance of saving his soul.

Trouble ahead: Leo Cushley makes a new friend.

But 'tis often thought that Catholics
Should be careful when dabbling in politics.
Bishops, you may write your flock a note
But don't tell 'em exactly how to vote.
When making our choice most think it better
To ignore the tedious "Bishops' Letter".

Alas! The bishops had been gammoned
By Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond.
They fell into a hopeless passion,
And expressed themselves after this fashion:
"She may have got enormous feet,
But her voice is low and sweet -
Aye, she's a' the world to me;
And for bonnie leftie Nicky 
I'd lay me doon and dee!"

Bonnie Leftie Nicky.

I must now conclude my lay,
And tell the world what many men say.
Bishops are blessed, and they know how to pray,
But in Scotland, as in England, they
Sometimes don't take care what they say.
Respectfully, I warn the episcopal classes:
"Your conduct sometimes rather crass is.
Worship God, and say your Masses,
But don't trust any political lasses,
Or people will say you're a bunch of asses!"

Wiser than some bishops.