The Pope's letter to the People of God

Most people will be unaware of this - I only found out today when Spadaro accidentally let the cat out of the bag - but there have been one or two complaints about our bishops and clergy recently.

WE ARE ALL GUILTY.

Well, not me of course. As has been observed by that nice man Stephen Walford who dusts my piano, and that little gnome chap Austen Ivereigh, I am INFALLIBLE, which means that nothing is ever my fault. I'm happy to clear that up for you.

Endangered Creatures like this are almost extinct!

I was hoping to meet my dear friend Donna Wuerl in Dublin so that I could find out what's going on, but he's sent me a telegram: "I regret that I have suddenly died. Sorry." My agents tell me that in fact he has not died, but has gone into hiding with some other handsome priests. I do hope he is not avoiding me.

Anyway, let's try again with that headline.

YOU ARE ALL GUILTY.

Especially the laity. You're all guilty of clericalism. Well, it would be scandalous to blame the clergy. Even more scandalous to blame the bishops. So PLEASE do not de-bag your bishop and push him into the river. Even if it's Farrell, or Tobin, or Cupich. Resist the temptation!

My top adviser Fr James Martin SJ assures me that it's nothing to do with "gay" clergy either. After all, he says that he wants our clergy to be celibate, and none of the "Friends of Jimmy" shows any inclination whatsoever to get married. Well, not to a woman. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as it says in the Latin Missal.

New vestments from "Maison Jimmy" of New York!

So that's everything sorted, isn't it? Now, let's look at some of the more serious problems facing the Church. Climate Change - isn't that the real cause of all our problems? Or maybe plastic straws.

Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope? "The name's Francis, Pope Francis." With a Licence to Kill the Magisterium. Can you imagine a black person - like Robert Sarah - taking the role? Of course not. The next actor to portray the Pope should be someone like Cardinal Wuerl. If only we can work out where he's hiding...

I feel your pain!

Primate gathering in Canterbury

Over now to the Anglican Communion, where the news is that Canterbury will be hosting the long-awaited gathering of primates. Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, is representing the humans, but - the Anglicans being a very broad church - we shall also see baboons, gorillas, chimpanzees, etc. taking part. There will also be a guest keynote speech from King Küng the dissident Catholic.

Veneration of relics, from the last gathering in 2001

The meeting is expected to be very controversial, with disagreement on a variety of topics. For example, vestments: only the human clergy tend to wear clothes in church, but that is because (with the exception of Rowan Williams) they are not entirely covered in fur. Also, consider the case of Katharine Jefferts Schori. She wears the worst vestments you've ever seen outside a clown act in the circus, but the prospect of her stripping off is even more terrifying.

Keep them on, Kathy!

Another issue is bananas. No, nothing to do with the views of Giles Fraser (who accidentally wrote something sensible recently), but the fruit. Many primates find it hard to obtain bread and wine, and would prefer bananas as an alternative for Communion.

Then there's swinging from the beams, while scratching oneself under the arms. For many primates this is an acceptable form of worship, but for conservative Anglicans it may be a liturgical dance too far.

More tea, vicar?

Then there is the liturgy. Could it not be reduced to a simple "Oook!"? The Catholic Paul Inwood has offered to produce a chant "Alleluia, oook, oook!" in the interests of ecumenical understanding.

Indeed, the Vatican itself has been very much involved in Primates 2016, lending St Gregory's crozier to the Church of England for the occasion (also, as it happens, Canterbury Cathedral, which has been on loan on and off since 1536).

The Vatican marks the primate gathering

Good luck, chaps! Oook oook oook!

Leading with humility

Thanks to @JoaoMMXIV for drawing my attention to the book "Lead with humility", by Jeffrey A. Krames, which is subtitled 12 Leadership Lessons from Pope Francis. I haven't actually got the book, but I have a fairly good idea of what it should contain.

Can we have a Year of Humility next time, please?

Well, dear reader - Mr Heep, say - as a humble person you won't have put yourself forward for a leadership role, but don't despair, someone else will "fix it" for you. In the old days it might have been Jimmy Saville, but he's rather gone out of favour recently (and, anyway, is dead), so you may have to settle for getting a specially-constituted Team Heep to promote your case. Have a word with Cardinals Cormac Murphy-O'Connor or Godfried Danneels, and see whether they can help.

If all goes well, you will become the managing director of the Lancaster branch of the Acme Drainage Company (motto: Protect the Pipe), and be the proud possessor of a "Cormac fixed it for me" badge.

Now, how does a truly humble leader behave? Well, start by making your office look more humble. Throw out all the comfy chairs in which visitors used to sit, keeping just one for yourself. That aspidistra plant had better go, too: a humble leader should settle for a wilting dandelion. Make it known that you have given your bed at home to the poor, and that from now on you will sleep in the dog's basket. For food, avoid Dolan's All-you-can-eat Restaurant: a humble plate of Fish and Chips (in Italian, "Fisichella") will be much better for you.

Available to any poor person who wishes to collect it.

So far we haven't addressed the questions of leadership, which, in your case, means getting your own way without seeming to do so. There are various ways to achieve this: one is to come out with a blizzard of insults, confusing and contradictory statements, and plans which you know can never be implemented. When you do so, remind people that your words are being uttered in a spirit of humility and mercy. You could even install a "window of mercy" in your office, so that when you get annoyed with staff and defenestrate them, they can realise that it is being done very humbly.

Dilbert's boss embraces the Spirit of Pope Francis.

Another humble way to lead your company is to announce changes to company policy in a less direct way. For example, every time you take an aeroplane trip, you could stand up and make a speech outlining a batch of controversial changes (e.g. from now on, all staff must turn off the central heating in their offices, to prevent climate change) - check with the cabin crew before doing this.

Or you could float new company policy in interviews with 100-year-old deaf-mute journalists who don't speak your language too well; or you could get a trusted member of staff (the technical name is a gasper, one who emits hot air) to float the silliest ideas that he can imagine. Having totally confused and terrified your employees, you may then return to the office and humbly do whatever it was you planned to do all along.

When King Küng attacks, only a humble person can respond.

Finally, a good catchphrase you might adopt is "Who am I to judge?" The answer being, that you are the boss, and you will judge whenever you feel like it... humbly, of course. That's what leaders do.

The Laud-a-to-si Chorus

For those who haven't time to read the whole encyclical, here's a singable version, which contains the essence of the Pope's thinking. The more traddy version is here, with music by Handel.

Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!
For the environment's a mess.
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

For the environment's a mess.
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! 

Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

The world is heating up
Yes it's true, the world is heating up,
It's all your fault, it's all your fault;
And we shall burn for ever and ever,
For ever and ever, for ever and ever.

If only we'd turned those lights off!

Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Yes, carbon's bad,
And we shall burn,
And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, for ever and ever,
Yes, carbon's bad,
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!

"Hmm! A bit repetitive!" (Paul Inwood)

And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
And we shall burn for ever and ever.
Carbon's bad, yes, carbon's bad,
Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si! Laud-a-to-si!