Let battle commence!

Here's the draw for the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists (with the word "journalist" being interpreted rather loosely in some cases). Conveniently, we stopped at 32 nominees, some of whom I had never heard of before; at least they all seem to be scribblers of one kind or another. We start with eight groups of four, from which the top two (decided by a Twitter poll) go through to the next round. Then a similar round to reach the quarter-final knockout stage. Gosh, this is exciting.

Remember the World Cup of Bad Cardinals? Cupich; Marx; Kasper.

Journaliste Extraordinaire	Round 1	Round 2
John Allen Jr	3	-
Tina Beattie	3	2
Liz Bruenig	6	4
Elena Curti	1	-
Dean Dettloff	8	3
Massimo Faggioli	5	3
Simcha Fisher	3	-
David Gibson	1	-
Dawn Eden Goldstein	2	1
Daniel Horan	4	1
Austen Ivereigh	8	4
Christopher Lamb	7	4
Basil Loftus	8	-
Matt Malone	5	-
James Martin	4	2
Joshua McElwee	4	-
Robert Mickens	7	3
Jeff Mirius	7	-
Jonathan Morris	4	-
Mike O'Loughlin	5	-
Catherine Pepinster	1	2
Philip Pullella	2	-
Thomas Reese	8	-
Ronald Rolheiser	6	-
Thomas Rosica	6	3
Alexander Santora	7	-
Mark Shea	1	1
Antonio Spadaro	3	1
Dario Viganò	2	-
Stephen Walford	5	4
Michael Sean Winters	2	2
Phyllis Zagano	6	-

And the Bad Hymns? Lord of the Dance; Gather us in; Shine, Jesus, Shine.

Whoever wins is guaranteed the approval of the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Tablet and the National Catholic Reporter. Oh, and Father John Zuhlsdorf*.

*I made that bit up.

Of course "bad" can mean whatever you like it to mean - anything from "irritating" through to "wrong on almost every issue". Some - but not all - of the above nominees are really quite pleasant people.

Bad hymns 2

Today we have an interview with the great Graham Kendrick, writer of a popular "Christian song."

E: Well, Mr Kendrick, your hymn, "Shine, Jesus, Shine," which is extremely popular with the under-9 age group, but which drives all adults crazy, has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award. We recently interviewed one of your rivals, Sydney Carter, and now we come to you.

GK: It's great to be here, Eccles.

E: First the meaning of the song, then. Does the photograph below give some idea of your intentions when you refer to "Shine"? Romans 10:15? How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace?

Shine...

GK: No, I don't think you have fully grasped the meaning of my song, Eccles. It is more to do with the idea of Jesus, the Light of the World, shining in the darkness.

E: I see. Well, of course that is stressed very well in the first verse, where you use the word "Shine" or "Shining" no less than five times (out of a total of 15 in the entire song, I think). Let's move on a bit, skipping over the embarrassing bit where you try to rhyme "presence" and "radiance," making the latter just two syllables, "Ray-jence."

GK:  Yes, many people have told me that the song doesn't really scan. If you clap your hands or bang your head against the wall at various points, it makes it go past a bit more smoothly.

E: Now, what's all this "Flow, river flow, Flood the nations with grace and mercy" stuff? Is that not a little insensitive these days, when we see many people threatened with flood water? Which river would that be, anyway?

Flood the nations.

GK: I'm afraid I didn't have any particular river in mind. The verse refers to "Jesus," then "Spirit," so I thought I'd add a cunning twist by not mentioning the "Father" but using "River" instead. If it makes people think of  the Big Guy in the Sky as "Old Man River," then that's all to the good, surely?

E: Is it? Oh, right. Could you settle one other point that I find difficult? "Blaze, Spirit blaze, Set our hearts on fire?" Why is it a good thing to have one's heart on fire? A quick check of the Bible suggests that it is quite a painful and distressing thing to endure. See Jeremiah 20:9:  There came in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was wearied, not being able to bear it.

There came in my heart as a burning fire.

GK: Think of it as poetry, Eccles. It doesn't mean anything, but it sounds good. So good that you have to sing the chorus three times before you are allowed to leave the church.

E: Mr Kendrick, thank you very much. Can I go now?

Bad hymns 1

Today we have an interview with the late Sidney Carter, the hymn-writer.

E: So, Mr Carter, your hymn, "Lord of the Dance" has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award, and you're now a finalist, along with the great Graham Kendrick, Damian Lundy and others. How do you feel about this?

SC: Well, Eccles, I am honoured that my little doggerel should be compared with such immortal verses as "Shine, Jesus, shine" and "Walk in the light."

E: Can we explore some of the problematic areas of this hymn, now? For example, where exactly did Jesus say "I am the Lord of the Dance"? The only named dancer I could locate in the gospels was Salome.

The lady of the dance.

SC: Ah, well, I may have turned over 2 pages of the Bible by mistake. Let's regard "Dance" as a metaphor.

E: A metaphor for what, exactly?

SC: Er... well, everything Jesus did, I suppose.

E: I see, I see. Shakes his head in disbelief. Now "I danced for the fishermen, James and John." Why did you mention them, rather than Peter and Andrew, for example?

SC: In my first draft I had "I danced for Andy and I danced for Pete, They thought my dancing very very sweet" but it doesn't quite scan, and anyway, makes it sound more like a story about Dalziel and Pascoe.

E: Now, "Dance, dance, wherever you may be." What exactly are you suggesting that people do? Dance in church like a bunch of demented St Vitus sufferers?

SC: Look, you're not meant to think about the words, just sing them. And wave your arms around.

E: Quite so. I come now to "I danced on a Friday when the world turned black, It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back." No doubt this is a reference to Good Friday, but what makes you think that Our Lord had the Devil on His back? Were you thinking of Sinbad the sailor here?

It's hard to dance with anyone on your back.

SC: I was simply stuck for a rhyme, I'm afraid. Back, Claque, Hack, Sack, Whack... what is one to do?

E: "They buried my body" isn't very good, either, is it? Wasn't Jesus placed in a tomb? Still, that's a small point, when the rest is such a  load of tosh.

SC: You must admit that it's a very popular hymn. In some circles it has totally supplanted more old-fashioned forms of worship, where the words are obliged to make sense.

E: Indeed, your drivel now appears in various Catholic and Protestant hymnals. How much did you pay them to give you a "nihil obstat," anyway? Sorry, that was below the belt. Takes a deep breath. Well, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Mr Carter. Shall we dance?

Eccles and Sidney join the dance.