Design your own God!

As a service to my friend "Archbishop" Justin Welby (He/Him on the one hand, She/Her on the other hand, and also Bleep/Bloop in a very real sense) we are providing some useful advice to the Church of England as it decides to reject Christianity and go its own way (no longer following the 1st Century Heiliger Geist but the 21st century Zeitgeist).

The statue of Christ the King is attacked by a Welby-Cottrell^TM Death Ray.

From now on all religious documents, Bibles, hymn books, prayer books, etc. will need to be pulped and replaced by new "Woke" editions. OUT GO God the Father, Our Father who art in Heaven, Lord Jesus Christ, etc. and IN COME God the parent, Our parent who art - somewhere or other, but it may be downstairs rather than upstairs - and Christ the Aristocrat.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ (slightly Catholic) has already decreed that the Holy Spirit is feminine.

"Isn't this going to cost a lot of money?" you may be asking. Well, it should be possible to divert all that cash we're giving to earthquake victims in Turkey and Syria into more worthy causes, such as making sure that nobody is upset by God's choosing a gender that they find offensive (this is far worse than being trapped under a collapsed building!) In Phase 2 we'll be sending the Muslim world new non-binary Korans, anyway.

Still, while we're updating all the Church of England books, please note that we have been asked by our Supreme Governor, King Charles III, or at least by some of his menials (M.P.s) to allow blessings of sin.

We're starting slowly with same-sex relationships (or "marriages" as they are laughingly called). A suitable liturgy is being drafted, but since this is the C of E you are of course allowed to make up your own words and nobody will complain.

Next month we shall be dismantling the ten commandments: adulterers, thieves and murderers are already queuing up for blessings.

"O God (He/She/They), who gave us Henry VIII (He/Him) as a model for our church, and thus inspired us to follow his path of adultery, theft and murder, we ask you now to bless "Casanova" John, "Fingers" Irene, and "Slasher" Maurice as they pursue their spiritual paths of lechery, shoplifting and throat-cutting."

LATE NEWS: God is apparently not amused by the Church of England's activities, and the end of the world has accordingly been advanced. Well, you can't say that we didn't all deserve a bit of smiting...

God decides to fix climate change.

Vatican criticises UN over child abuse

This week, the United Nations came under intense pressure from the Catholic Church, having been asked to explain its brutal treatment of children.

The sinister organization run by Fr Ban Ki-moon.

In a hard-hitting report, the Vatican pointed out that the UN in general took a very anti-child attitude, even supporting the murder of babies in the womb. Moreover, even children who survived the first nine months of life were in grave danger. As Fox News pointed out, children are being poisoned in Syria, forced into the army in Uganda, and sold for sex in Thailand. Even liberal Catholics concede that this is - by and large, and taking all things into consideration - against the Spirit of Vatican II.

Ban Ki-moon. Note the Satanic symbols on his shirt.

Perhaps the most sinister part of the UN is the so-called "Security Council", where notorious tyrants, such as Xi Jinping of China, Vladimir Putin of Russia, François Hollande of France, Barack Obama of the United States, and David Cameron of the United Kingdom, send representatives to discuss new ways of tormenting children: for example, by "air strikes" on any country that gets in their way.

Pope Francis asks Ban Ki-moon to explain his shirt (not shown).

Meanwhile, in England, God's representative in London, Cardinal-elect Vincent Nichols, has been at the forefront of attacks on the UN, even going so far as to mutter to himself "Hmmph, this really is not on!" when he read about their activities in the Guardian.

Rebels against the UN: these ladies refuse to sign up to the cult of Ban Ki-mono.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 7

Continued from Chapter 6

1. And it came to pass that Richard went on a journey to Damascus, there to receive yet another honorary degree; for many people had said to him, "Surely, you cannot be Syria's?" and he was determined to prove them wrong.

This man cannot be Syria's.

2. And, as he drew near to Damascus, a light from heaven shone round about him. And falling on the ground, he heard a voice saying to him: Richard, Richard, why persecutest thou me?

3. And Richard spake unto the Lord saying, "My opinions come from my genes, and I may not control them."

4. And the Lord spake unto Richard, saying, But consider, O foolish man, that those whose opinions come from their jeans are often using the wrong organ to think with, and are thus known as 'dick heads.'

5. But Richard understood not the words of the Lord, and vowed to persecute Him even more in future.

Have you read My new book, Richard?

6. And so Richard began to think about writing an Epistle to the Delusions, wherein he might explain that he himself was the only god worthy of worship.

7. Meanwhile, there came an attack, known as 9/11, wherein many were killed.

8. And Richard said unto himself, "This is a perfect opportunity for me to tell the world that all organized religion preaches violence.

9. For is not the Pope preparing to kill us all with botulinus toxin? Do not the Baptists bite the heads off ferrets? Do not the Quakers regularly throw hand grenades through the windows of orphanages? And is not the Dalai Lama building a nuclear bomb?"

One false move and I press the red button. Then we'll all go up together!

10. And Richard explained to the world that all it needed was secularism, and everyone would live in peace and harmony, as they already did in China and North Korea.

11. Meanwhile, in Oxford, Richard continued to serve as a fellow of New College, and Professor for Public Understanding of Science.

12. And Simonyi spake unto him, saying, "Shall I change the title of thy chair to Professor for the Bashing of Religion?" But in the end this did not come to pass.

13. And in the sixth year of the new millennium there came to pass two events that changed the world; and we shall speak of them in more detail in the next chapter.

14. For the world saw the publication of Richard's Magnum Opus The God Delusion, and the creation of Richard's own church, the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

15. And Richard said, "Let it not be said that the Christians and the Muslims have better vestments than us. It is good that the ministers of our church shall also wear special garments."

Dawkins Foundation Garments, modelled by lunatics

16. And it was so.

Continued in Chapter 8