New Hymns 5

In this slot we have previously invited John Henry Newman, King David, Charles Wesley, and Christina Rossetti to attend masterclasses on how to write a good "modern" hymn. Today, we are pleased to welcome William Williams, author of Guide me, O thou great Jehovah (or possibly ...Redeemer). In fact, Bill, you wrote this song originally in Welsh?

WW: Arglwydd, arwain trwy'r anialwch!

Fi, bererin gwael ei wedd...

E: Er, yes, thank you. Of course I speak Welsh fluently, but for the benefit of my readers we'll continue in English, if you don't mind.

WW: Not at all, old fruit.

E: Now, here is the first verse you wrote, in a popular translation:

Guide me, O Thou great Redeemer,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but Thou art mighty;
Hold me with Thy powerful hand:
Bread of Heaven, bread of Heaven
Feed me till I want no more.
Feed me till I want no more.

WW: Yes, and it's usually sung to the stirring tune of Cwm Rhondda.

E: No good, I'm afraid. Too many ideas crammed into one verse, and the tune is not one that you can clap your hands to. Liturgical dancers also find it a bit tricky to participate.

Strictly Cwm Dancing.

WW: Well, I didn't have the benefit of modern musical scholarship, Eccles. Can you help?

E: Yes. Let's change the tune first. How about a song that people can jump to, like Colonel Bogey?

The best tune for today's hymn.

WW: Is that the one about Hitler's deficiencies?

E: Well, in some traditions, but we can adapt your hymn to this too. Note how we just use the first line, and repeat it several times. Thus we don't overload the hymn with ideas!

Guide me, thou great Re-de-e-mer!
Guide me, thou great Re-de-e-mer!
Guide me, oh guide me, guide me,
Oh guide me, guide me, oh guide me, ha-ha!

WW: I don't remember writing "Ha-ha!"

E: Well I would have said "Ch-ch" but Paul Inwood might have complained that I'd pinched one of his deeper theological ideas. We need something clunky to end on.

WW: What happens in Verse 2? "Pilgrim through this barren land" doesn't scan.

E: We can get round that.

I am a jolly pilgrim, Lord!
I am a jolly pilgrim, Lord!
I am a jolly pilgrim,
A jolly pilgrim, a pilgrim, ho-ho!

Like the surprise ending?

I am a jolly pilgrim, Lord!

WW: Well, I didn't see that coming.

E: Note that the verse is now mostly about YOU, and not about God.

WW: So would Verse 3 ("I am weak, but thou art mighty") now be better if it were something like I am - a pretty useless chap?

E: No, that's not inclusive language, Bill. Maybe, I don't - feel very well some days. Still about you, of course. But you know what the real problem with your hymn is?

WW: I'd be very grateful if you could tell me, Eccles.

E: It doesn't mention light, sunrise, shining, etc. These are very popular with modern hymnwriters.

WW: Well...

Sunrise - I like the shining light!
Sunrise - I like the shining light!
Sunrise, I like the sunrise,
I like the sunrise, the sunrise, hee-hee!

Bring me sunshine...

E: Well, we've come a long way from your original hymn, but I'm sure that our new version is a great improvement.

WW: Eccles, thank you very much.

E: My pleasure, Bill.

Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

Joe Biden explains the Catholic Faith

We are indeed honoured today to be granted an interview with Vice President Joe Biden, a leading Catholic thinker.

Joe Biden demonstrates his position on gay marriage

E: Now, Mr Biden, you first came to the attention of the British public over 20 years ago, when you were detected plagiarising a speech of Neil Kinnock. Would you care to comment on that?

JB: Eccles, I wish to totally, utterly, absolutely and unequivocally deny, rebut, refute and contradict your statement. When I was a poor, penniless and deprived boy in the Welsh valleys, being sent down the pit at the age of three, along with my aged, decrepit, feeble and disabled ninety-year-old granny in a wheelchair, I realised that the only way to escape from my chains was...

E: I hate to cut you short there, Mr Biden, but perhaps we could move on to what is surely the cornerstone of your life, the Catholic faith.

It's not always a good idea to copy Neil Kinnock.

JB: Yes, as I go along life's road, I always let my love of Jesus and the Catholic faith guide me.

E: So naturally, you oppose abortion, which has been condemned by the Catholic church, and many other Christians, pretty consistently over the last 2000 years?

JB: Well, naturally, except in special circumstances of course. For example, if the mother is pregnant. Then I think you have to allow it.

E: I gather that the church penalty for abortions at any stage of pregnancy is excommunication. Have you in fact been excommunicated?

JB: No, but then you see I've never had an abortion. But I feel that it's my human right to have one, if ever I want one.

E: I heard a rumour that your friend Barack - (checks notes) - ah yes, Obama, is in favour of killing all babies under the age of two and eating them?

JB: No, in fact that was just the view of a Democratic think-tank. Teddie Kennedy suggested drowning babies, but then he thought all problems could be solved by drowning people.

E: Your own view, then?

JB: Theologically, it's very much a grey area. I certainly wouldn't go as far as eating babies.

Herod the Great. Didn't go as far as eating babies.

E: Still - correct me if I'm wrong, or even if I'm right - aren't your views on many moral issues in clear contradiction to the views of the Catholic church?

JB: Eccles, I think you have to accept that our views on right and wrong are constantly evolving. Adultery, lying, cheating, etc. - all these used to be condemned as sins, but now Bill Clinton is one of the most respected politicians we have.

E: Vice President Biden, thank you for your moral guidance.

The motto of the Biden family