Cardinal Dolan and the Inauguration

Should Cardinal Dolan have participated in the inauguration of the new leader of the free world? Let's look at the facts. ,

Cardinal Dolan. For once, not eating, not dancing, and not laughing crazily.

After a rather dodgy election, a man was chosen who was considered to be very divisive.

A man known for bad language, some of it foul-mouthed.

A man whose views on sex and marriage are repellent to many Catholics.

A man whose slogans "Make Amoris great again", "Drain the Tiber" and "Let's build a wall to keep the Trads our" are considered to be offensive.

Cardinal Dolan shares a joke with "The Jorge".

Yes, the world is terrified now that the Vatican's nuclear codes are in the hands of such a man. Still, we think that Dolan was right to participate back in 2013, for after all did our Lord not associate with Republicans and sinners?

And, all things considered, the pope's inauguration went very well. A few cars set on fire, and a few bricks thrown through the windows of Starbucks by supporters of rival cardinals, but - on the whole - a good time was had by all. Some pathetic celebrities refused to sing and dance at the party afterwards, but the Catholic Tabernacle Choir, the Rockettes, the Jesuit Female Impersonators and the winner of Vatican's Got Talent (Antonio Spadaro and his sockpuppet show) nobly stepped into the breach.

It's time to party, folks!

Still, we are worried that Cardinal Dolan did not even once mention the Spirit of Vatican II in his Bible reading.

The Vatican deploys its secret weapon

Over now to the Vatican, where the pope's advisers are struggling with a deluge of demands for clear teaching and an end to fudging. Their energies are spent in fending off polite requests of the form "What exactly is going on down there?"

Greg Burke of the Holy See press office enters, and asks vice-pope Antonio Spadaro for the latest news.

Spadaro explains that he is at his wits' end - they've tried silence, insults, and even threats, but nothing seems to work. The Holy Father is ready to "go nuclear" and excommunicate the whole Catholic Church, if nobody can find a way to resolve the Amoris Laetitia crisis. All solutions are welcome, short of actually giving the answers to the five dubia.

Increasingly many Catholics are wearing this shirt at Mass. Stop it!

"Does the Holy Father have any new wisdom for us today?" asks Greg Burke.

"He's been leaking extracts from his new encyclical De Coprophagia, as well as an apostolic exhortation on clerical hats, but this doesn't seem to be doing the trick."

Get thee behind me, Saturno! Who would have thought that a simple hat was so evil?

"Then there's only one thing to do."

"You mean...?"

"Send for Ivereighman!"

Yes, mild-mannered journalist Austen Powers Ivereigh, known to most people as the "Mr Big" behind Catholic Voices, has a secret life as a super-hero. All he has to do is rush into a Confessional to change his costume, and he becomes unrecognizable!

When he takes his glasses off, Austen becomes Ivereighman!

With cries of Dissent! Roma tacita, causa finita! (Rome has kept quiet, so the cause is ended.) Move on! Nothing to see here! We have ways of making you love Pope Francis! Ivereighman sweeps down from the Ivereigh Tower, and scatters the pope's friends and enemies alike.

Golly, it's exciting when a mild-mannered newspaperman turn out to be a superhero! But even though Martin "Lex" Luthor is no longer considered to be the main villain, there's still a dreadful rumour that Cardinal Burke has reopened the disused Kryptonite mines on Malta, and will strike back...