New synodal treatment for Pope Francis

Catholics are becoming tired of seeing bulletins about Pope Francis's health that say:

He's a Pontifex and he's OK. He sleeps all night and he works all day,

and have become more impatient to see Pope Francis leap from his sick bed, create newer and weirder cardinals, write new motu proprios about climate change, and generally do popish things. Accordingly, it has been announced that from now on the Holy Father's medical treatment will be Synodal. No more "magisterial" doctrines doctors, just unqualified activists sitting round tables discussing his medication.

Two aspirins or a heart transplant? You decide!

Said Dr Austen Ivereigh, a well-known expert in synodality, "The patient should naturally be one of the main athletes and standard-bearers of synodality, and it seems to me that the best cure for his illness is a kenotic de-centering followed by enlarging the space of his tent."

He went on to say how much he hated "traddy" doctors. He wasn't exactly sure what a traditional rigid doctor did, but he believed that his remedies involved leeches, powdered animal bones, and trepanning. "You don't expect me to attend a traditional surgery to find out, do you?"

Two doctors discuss possible treatments.

The Pope's proposed regime will include a daily dose of Amorislaetitia elixir, some Pachamama injections, and as many Traditioniscustodes tablets as he needs. That way there is little prospect of his becoming rigid, or even turning into a Christian bat preferring the shadows to the light.

ADDENDUM:

The treatment is working! Within a few hours of my writing the above, we see that Pope Francis is on the mend!

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AND NOW IN OTHER NEWS:

"He hates Trump and Vance, so he must be good."

Meanwhile, the entire Catholic world is delighted that Cardinal Robert McElroy has been installed as Archbishop of Washington. He comes from a long line of distinguished archbishops, including Wilton Gregory, Donald Wuerl, and - best of all - Theodore McCarrick. Between them, they have made Washington the sex abuse capital of Catholic America - whether by participating (Ted), covering up (Don), ignoring (Wilt), and - well Bob assures me that he has never met Uncle Ted, so his hands are clean so far.

"He said he'd never met McCarrick!"

Could Bob be the next pope?

Pope Francis changes his medication

After several years of dosing himself on CUPICHON, MARTINEX, SPADARINE, COCA-PALMERIOL, and similar poisons, which have led the Holy Father to express some distinctly dubious views on pro-life issues, homosexuality, and the like, Pope Francis has received a new prescription from his doctor, including wonder drugs such as BURKEMIN, SARAHOL, and SCHNEIDERONE.

"I feel like a new man!" says Francis.

The results have been startling. Pope Francis has spoken out against "gay" parenting ("ungodly") and abortion ("like Nazi eugenics"). Only a few weeks too late to save Ireland and Argentina, but credit where it's due.

This could be a turning point for the Catholic Church. Will Emma Bonino be crossed off Francis's Christmas card list? Will Fr James Martin SJ be summoned to Rome for a good thrashing (no, he'd probably enjoy it)? Will Scalfari be given the boot? Will the Dubia finally be answered? Could climate change, liberation theology, and similar issues be replaced by a new emphasis on Catholic teaching?

"We think it was the SPADARINE that made him shout at everybody."

Of course there are other wonder drugs on the market that Pope Francis may wish to try. He should avoid DOLANINE, which makes the patient spend all his time laughing crazily; also, TOBINOL comes in two varieties, one of which is beneficial, while the other leads to strange behaviour late at night; then, tincture of ROSICA leads to aggression and paranoia; finally, swallowing ZUHLSDORFIA leads to distinctly eccentric behaviour, but is basically sound...

The dreadful affects of DOLANINE. (H/T someone, not sure who.)

Good luck, Holy Father!