The twelve days of Christmas

I started this song 3 years ago, got up to verse 5, and then gave up. Now, being totally lacking in shame, I have decided to complete it.

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...a bishop in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...two turkeys' books, ...

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...three old hens, ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...four cardinals, ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...five Dubia, ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...six priests a-preying, ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...seven Synners Synning, ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eight clowns a-circling, ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...nine Roches raging, ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...ten Pachamamas, ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eleven guards a-guarding, ...

Finally, on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...twelve popes a-poping, ...

Do women have the right to bare arms?

This week's big question arises from a tweet from Fr Kevin Cusick, namely,

Ladies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.

Not welcome at Mass.

This caused a mighty backlash on Twitter, and the good Fr KC felt obliged to drop out, rather than simply replying "You is not saved only I is saved," to his critics, which would be guaranteed to stun them into silence (it always works for me). We asked our experts to comment:

Sister Judy Piranha of the "Nuns on the Train": Coo-eee, Kevin!!?? Come along to our convent, and you'll see far more than naked shoulders!!?? Doesn't your constitution give women the right to bare arms??!! As a retired major-general, you should know all about that!!?? Anyway, Little Judy is just DYING to meet you, and give you a good time!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Bare shoulders are only part of the problem.

Fr James Martin, LGBTSJ: I hope you're all having a good Pride Month, following on from Gay History Month, Catholic Lesbian Month, Transitioning Deacon Month, Priests who like Gay Sex in a Vat of Olive Oil Month, etc. etc.! There's something for everyone in our church, and nobody I know will be excited by a woman's bare arms - except for most of the other women! Anyway, must dash, the Jesuits have got a male stripper coming to Mass this evening!

Fr Jack Hackett, Craggy Island: GIRLS!!!!

Bishop Libby, a part-time onion-seller.

Bishop Libby: We Anglicans brought women's rights kicking and screaming into the 1960s, and burning our bras was only the first step. And the Catholics copied us - there isn't a single cardinal who wears a bra! Not even Tobin. Well, they couldn't get one in his size... Now, girls, remember to dress decently and tastefully, as I do!

Fr Kevin Cusick (mostly saved): You see what I have to put up with?

George Soros admits responsibility for Vatican II

Zillionaire George Soros has finally admitted something that was long suspected by Catholics, namely that he was entirely responsible for Vatican II and its consequences. This confession is seen as the most devastating in a week in which (a) Soros was revealed to be funding Irish groups campaigning for abortion, and (b) he was discovered to have paid $650K to influence American bishops during the Pope's visit last year. (As for (b), we may exclude bishops such as Dolan and Cupich, who are already capable of causing mayhem without any financial incentive.)

The "man of Soros" predicted by Isaiah.

By using his considerable influence, Soros managed to bring in many innovations that were previously blamed on the Spirit of Vatican II. Destruction of the old liturgy, the hermeneutic of rupture, an increased tolerance for abortion, divorce, euthanasia, and same-sex relationships, and a push for women priests... these were not actually agreed by Vatican II but somehow Soros's money managed to convince people that they were.

It is also believed that Soros was behind the election of Pope Francis, and that Amoris Laetitia - which even the pope has never read properly - started life as a romantic novel by a "nun on the bus", backed by that financial wizard who made £1bn out of the UK's problems on "Black Wednesday".

Fr James Martin SJ interviews a "nun on the bus" in the employment of Soros.

So what will Uncle George do next? Will he himself run for the position of pope next time? Or will he simply remain a humble cardinal, an Eminence Grise behind the scenes?

There is a rumour that he will try to buy the Catholic Herald and make it look more like the Tablet. With Cristina Odone, Mary Kenny and Ronald Hellraiser already writing for it, he will not have far to go.

Fr Ronald Hellraiser in discussion with George Soros.

Flannery in America

We are indeed privileged today to be able to print extracts from the travel diary of Tony Flannery, Redemptorist, founder member of the Association of Catholic Priests in Ireland, and general nuisance as far as the Vatican is concerned. Thanks to Flannery's unique powers of observation and deep insights, we learn things about America that nobody suspected until now!

Even more exciting than when Pope Benedict XVI visited!

Monday. Arrived at New York, which turns out to be a city in America, and not in Yorkshire after all. My first impressions are that New York is big - bigger than my home town of Ballydancer, and maybe nearly as big as Cork! Also, it is full of Americans, who speak American, which is very like English, but you have to chew gum while you're talking!

I was met at the airport by Sister Fred of the modernist order of "Nuns in the Taxi", which is in dispute with Vatican, just as I am!
"Hi, there!" she said. "You must be Father Flummery!"
"Flannery!" I replied.
"Oh is it? There's no need to be so rude, buster!"

We eventually sorted this out, and she said that the Nuns in the Taxi were all reading extracts from my new book in place of the Gospel at Mass. I was touched by this, although for some reason they think the book is called REVOLUTION. Perhaps that's the name they've given to the American edition!

One thing I should warn people who come to New York is that all the clocks are four or five hours slow! I pointed this out, but, just to annoy me, they refused to change them! Just like the Vatican! Anyway, I went to my hotel, the Heretic's Arms. For those who aren't seasoned travellers, I should mention that a hotel is a large building with bedrooms in it.

So far I am being treated like royalty - people keep trying to take photos of me in the shower!

The Nuns in the Taxi.

Tuesday: Still in New York. With an artist's eye for observation I have noticed that some of the buildings are quite high. Wait till I tell this to my brother Shameless, who runs the Fine Gael party!

A letter was delivered to my hotel, which shows that I have got the Vatican on the run!

Dear Mr Flummery,

Following the recent Extraordinary Synod on the Flannery, Pope Francis has asked me to invite you for lunch. I'm afraid we can't lay on anything special, so it will be our usual simple meal of soup, entrée, appetizer, hors d'oeuvres, fish course, main course, second main course, third main course, cheese, dessert, pudding, sweet, cake, afters, and perhaps an extra main course to finish off if we're still hungry. I hope you like shrimps, oysters, jellyfish, beef, lamb, goat, panda, camel, haddock, turbot, and dolphin, as we shall be having all of these - and more!

Yours ever, Tim Dolan, Supreme Grandmaster of the Order of St Patrick.

Lunch with a real cardinal!

"October is a very interesting time of year," I told Cardinal Dolan. "It is the time of year known as Autumn, or sometimes Fall. Did you ever notice that all the leaves fall off the trees at this time of year? The Vatican tries to keep this fact secret, but as I have been saying at the top of my voice for the last ten years, I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"

Unfortunately, Cardinal Dolan did not reply to me, as he was chewing his way through a giraffe's neck at the time. This is the sort of rudeness I expect from the Catholic Church.

Wednesday: I am now in Philadelphia! I used to think that this was a word meaning "stamp-collecting", but it turns out to be another big city! I was interviewed by Radio Scalfari, which is a prestigious liberal talk radio station; it has hosted many distinguished theologians in the past, such as Margaret Farley, Hans Küng, Prof. Tina Beattie, and even Richard Dawkins! They recorded an interview with me over the telephone, and promised to broadcast it at 4 a.m. tomorrow, in the very popular "Insomniacs Only" slot, unless something more interesting turned up.

In the evening I had my first speaking engagement, at the prestigious 15th and Market Bus Shelter. I spoke to a massive crowd (too many to count, but approximately 3 people) about how the Catholic Church must adapt to a changing world. I didn't see anyone from the Vatican there, but I am sure that they had sent along a spy. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Long queues of Catholics waiting to hear me speak!

Probably NOT to be continued.

Nuns on the Bus sent to Iraq

Sr Christine Frost is the Catholic nun who single-handedly defeated ISIS in East London by tearing down an Islamic jihad flag, where the Police, the British Army, and all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men dared not venture.

Now safe for policemen once more.

As a result, Barack Obama has decided to deploy the famous American "Nuns on the Bus" in Iraq, as the force most likely to send ISIS fleeing in terror. Said Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, President of the USCCB, "We have long wondered what's God's purpose was for the Nuns on the Bus. They call themselves Catholics, but they reject so much Catholic teaching that most of us think of them as a wacky Protestant sect. I don't know about the Muslims, but they sure terrify me."

"Make my day, Galloway! We won't do things the Allah-way!"

It is thought that several busloads of nuns will be sent to confront ISIS. Said General Sister Simone Campbell, their leader, "We have long wanted the opportunity to put men in their place, and where better to start than with the sexist homophobic anti-liberal men of ISIS? By the time we've finished with them, we'll have them wearing burkhas and doing the cleaning and flower-arranging in their mosques, where the ecumenical Muslim-Catholic services will be taken by liberal female mullah-priests who don't wear traditional vestments of any kind."

The sign of "NUN", used to show support for the nuns.

It is thought that President Obama has offered the nuns more modern transport than the clapped-out buses to which they are accustomed, but these have been firmly rejected by Sr Simone. "It's too late now to call ourselves the Nuns in the Jeep, or the Nuns in the Tank," she says. "Anyway, our marching song, The nuns in the bus go drone drone drone, would have to be rewritten."

Britain's belated contribution: one nun, on a bike.

Religious news

I'm a heretic...

A new series of the television series I'm a heretic, get me out of here! is just starting. It will be hosted as usual by those lovable churchmen Cantoris and Decani (Cant and Dec), and the line-up this year includes the great Hans Küng and Professor Tina Beattie.

Sister Nadine of the Nuns of St Omnibus.

Cant and Dec explained to us that the contestants would undertake various challenging tasks, which would include swallowing disgusting things - such as Tina Beattie's religious writings - and carving a termite mound into the likeness of a famous theologian.

A termite mound carved into a statue of Hans Küng.

We asked whether the contestants would get Sundays off in order to attend Mass, and Cant and Dec merely responded with hysterical laughter. Now why should that be?

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Father Dunn dies.

Fr Dunn, with companion.

The death is announced of Father "Grandad" Dunn, at the age of 92. Fr Dunn was a member of the religious organization Exercitus Patri, which flourished in the 1970s. He is fondly remember for his sermons on the subjects, Panic ye not, panic ye not, my people, O Lord, grant me permission to speak, and The ungodly one liketh not a smiting from below. RIP.

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Oil tycoon to run Church of England?

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that the Bishop of Durham, Justin Welby, a former oil tycoon, will be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Justin Welby - on the side of the angels.

Welby is the author of many well-regarded theological books, such as Holy Unction - why don't we use more oil? and Natural gas and gaiters. However, his enemies describe him as "a boring man."

The See of Canterbury (if he gets it) will give Welby a new platform for his views.