Charity accuses "transpotphobic" teacher of hate crime

It is worrying to read that the charity "Teasmades" has called the police after a teacher refused to acknowledge one of his pupils as "transpotted".

The Director of Teasmades.

The Catholic (and indeed medical) position is clear. Many children go through a phase of singing the immortal hymn "I'm a little teapot, Short and stout. Here's my handle, Here's my spout" (arr. Dan Schutte), and this leads some of them to believe for a while that they are in fact teapots. But transpotterism is a psychological condition, and there is no way that such kids can really be teapots.

Should these kids be given surgery to fit handles and spouts?

The Catholic Catechism (based on quotations from the book of He-brews) is clear. Transpotted children and adults should be treated sympathetically: for example it is not permissible to describe them as "potty". Teasmades, however, is going too far in saying that they should be encouraged in their fantasies, and describing it as a "hate crime" when someone refuses to buy into such delusions.

"I'd rather have a cuppa!" Fr James Martin SJ wants to put the "tea" in LGBT.

Under the Equality Act, schools have a duty to accommodate transpotted children, for example by providing them with cosies, and places where they can pour out their troubles. This does not include medication, such as injections of tannin, as it would clearly be wrong to mess around with young children's biological make-up. As for surgically fitting them with handles and spouts - an operation available on the National Health Service - this should clearly be forbidden to children, and discouraged in general.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is a famous "transpot". It may explain a lot.

Prayer 3: How to do intercessions

I'll hand over to Tony now, as he's going to lead us in our intercessions.

Thanks, Father Phil. Please kneel, stand, sit, or lie down - whichever position you find most comfortable - while I lead us through today's prayers.

First we pray for the Church throughout the world, and in our cycle of prayer today we think particularly of the Kingdom of Bhutan, and its king, Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck. Although his people are Buddhist, we know that, like us, he is only seeking the Truth, and who are we to say that we know better?

Thanks for the name-check, Tony!

We pray for Pope Francis, Pope Benedict, Archbishop Welby, the Dalai Lama, the Chief Rabbi, the Archmuslim of Canterbury, the Archdruid of Husborne Crawley, and the Supreme Freemason. May they continue to do spiritual things.

Nearer at home, it is the day that we pray for the Diocese of Scunthorpe, and particularly for Bishop Eric Blast-Furnace, that the police will soon drop all charges against him. May he be a worthy pastor of his sheep, and may the Lord help him to leave Mrs Slag alone. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to read that bit out.

Moving on, our cycle of prayer moves us to think of our brothers and sisters in the parish of Little Dreadville, their priest, Fr Nasty, and his pet hamster, Radcliffe, who is unwell. May little Radcliffe soon be turning happily in his wheel, and bring joy to all who behold him. Then, nearer to home, we remember the people living in Slaughterhouse Crescent, especially Mrs O'Ghastly, who is suffering from acute halitosis. May the Lord breathe on her, and may she breathe back without knocking Him over.

St Eormenhild (Ermenilda) of Ely.

Today is of course St Ermenilda of Ely's day, and we join her in our intercessions. Although she does not appear to be the patron saint of anything in particular, simply mentioning Ermenilda of Ely reminds us to pray for all producers and wearers of ermine, all people who risk their lives for us in order to catch or eat eels, and anyone whose name rhymes with Ermenilda. We may wish to say a prayer for all the Hildas and Matildas that we know. In fact we shall be singing "Waltzing Matilda" as our Communion Hymn later.

A producer and wearer of ermine.

We pray for the Royal Family, in particular for Lady Louise Windsor, because we haven't "done" her for several months, and for all Members of Parliament. In our cycle of prayer we think particularly of Mr Nicholas Clegg, and we try not to laugh. O Lord, you have probably read in your Spectator a particularly nasty piece by Damian Thompson, attacking the conductors Dudamel, Gergiev and Rattle for (if you'll excuse me, Lord) political butt-kissing. Soften the heart of Dr Thompson we pray, that from now on all his words may be words of kindness and praise, that they may flow smoothly as the custard floweth in Lebanon.

The Lord recommendeth this for thy health.

We pray for all who try to communicate the word of the Lord, whether they be priests, journalists or humble bloggers. Today we especially remember Brother Bosco of the totally unread "Why all Catholics are damned" blog.

Now we pray for the sick, especially at this time for people suffering from spots in embarrassing places, addictions to toilet-cleaning products, or delusions that they are a teapot. May their spots be healed, their beverage requirements become less potent, and their kettles whistle as they boil in the Lord's Name.

The sick.

Finally, we commemorate the departed, especially our own great-great-aunts, whether known to us or not. We also remember any whose anniversaries fall at this time, especially King Béla II of Hungary, Richard Wagner, and Mr Ronald Pickering of the BBC. In the words of Mr Pickering, "Away you go!"

Finally a moment for silent prayer, in which we bring our own needs to the Lord. No matter how complex our problems, and difficult our situation, He is ready to listen to us. One. Two. Three. That's enough silent prayer.

Lord in Your Mercy, grant these our prayers, and help us to have a Nice Day. Amen.

Thanks, Tony. That was great!

Just snap out of it!

Today's guest blogger, Fr Giles Fraser of the Guardian, explains mental illness.

Amazingly, Giles is more handsome than Eccles.

I was soon in trouble when I started writing for the Guardian. "Like a monkey at the zoo, Giles is intent on displaying himself from his least flattering angle," said one bishop. "Can't you put something in his tea?" Nowadays, of course, everything is put down to mental disorder, even the natural wish of a clergyman to show off to an admiring audience of lefties so that people will think he is clever. Many of my readers think that a good dose of medicine would solve my problems, although opinions differ as to whether it should be Ritalin, strychnine or (a suggestion from a Telegraph journalist) custard.

Modern therapy for people with nervous conditions.

People talk about depression, bi-polar conditions, autism, schizophrenia, ... but do they really exist? No, so snap out of it! Open the window! Climb out and go for a walk! Chew a copy of the Guardian! Read Eccles's hard-hitting blog! Put a tea-cosy on your head! Feeling better now?

Teapautism - but it's not an illness.

Look, I'm an expert on depression. After I preach my sermon on Sunday, I see a whole church full of people sitting there, in a catatonic state. Except for the ones hitting their heads against the wall. It's not mental illness, it's just their reaction to my latest theories about what Christ should have said! Perfectly normal!

Let's not try and make people happy. I don't believe in "comfortable words" or cheering up people. Smiling - arentchasickofit???

Mr Happy. Probably a bigot in his spare time.