Pope says that sad people are not Christians

Pope Francis has declared that sad people are not Christians, so let's all be cheerful, guys, and we'll be saved!

Someone (I can't remember who), once said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Still, the Holy Father knows best in these matters, and from now on it's laughter all the way!

The Pope is giving a happy smile, but you may be too sinful to see it.

Some readers will recall that the recent Amazon synod featured some notorious wooden idols, but we can now reveal that they were delivered by mistake. In fact the Vatican had ordered statues of the famous Pollyanna, patron saint of unjustifiable optimism, but... you know... administrative errors... It seemed best to carry on and hope that nobody noticed.

All readers still happy? Got a jolly grin on your face? Excellent!

Probably the most Christian person of all.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, requiem masses. It won't do, you know. When people die, we should be happy because they are guaranteed to go to Heaven (unless they have committed some very grave sin, such as turning on the central heating in winter). So, no more of this rigid unChristian "Requiem eternam" stuff, please, and let's all burst out into a chorus of "Happy days are here again!"

Pope Francis's top adviser, Fr James Martin, concurs. "Everyone should be gay!" he says - and you can't get much more authoritative than that!

Another group of saintly Christians.

Austen Ivereigh also backs the Pope. "Every time I show people my new book on Pope Francis, they burst out laughing!" he says. "I feel that my writing is bringing more people to Christ."

So there you have it. From now on, it's laughter all the way. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, ho, tee hee, tee hee, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle," as the new hymn by Dan Schutte has it.

Ho ho ho! St Nicholas shows the way.

I wants to make your flesh creep

Sixteen wonderfully appalling works remain for Round 3 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Some surprises to me, at least, in that we have lost God's Spirit is in my heart, Bind us together, Lord, Walk in the Light, and Go, The Mass is ended, but this just shows the quality of the works remaining. Here is the grouping - the top two in each of the four groups will reach the last eight - the quarter final knock-out stage!

Title	Author	Round 3
Kumbayah	anon	3
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	4
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1
Come to the Table of Plenty	Daniel Schutte	2
Sing a New Church	Delores Dufner	3
Shine, Jesus, shine	Graham Kendrick	1
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	2
One bread, one body	John Foley	2
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	4
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	1
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	2
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	3
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love	Peter Scholtes	4
Lord of the Dance	Sidney Carter	3
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	1

Need I say more?

Get ready to Schutte for goal!

Round 3 begins on Monday 29th October.

Your 32 worst hymns

On to Round 2 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns, beginning on Tuesday 16th October. Now 32 examples of the poets' art remain, out of 64 originally, and there are eight groups of four from each of which two go through to the final 16.

Congratulations to Dan Schutte on getting three wonderfully appalling hymns through to the second round; Brian Howard, Estelle White and Marty Haugen are also going well.

All join in the singing, please.

Although officially neutral, I was disappointed that we lost "I watch the sunrise", "Colours of Day", "Enemy of apathy", "Our God reigns" and above all "Follow me" (the two shirts song), since this probably means that Fr Arfur will feel that it's OK to carry on using them at the church of St Daryl the Apostate. Oh well...

Title	Author	Rd 1	Rd 2
God's Spirit is in my heart	Alan Dale	2	1
Kumbayah	anon	10	6
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	13	8
Bind us together, Lord	Bob Gillman	15	7
If I were a butterfly	Brian Howard	5	3
I just wanna be a sheep	Brian Howard	14	8
Walk in the Light	Damian Lundy	3	1
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1	1
Let us build the city of God	Daniel Schutte	7	3
Come to the table of plenty	Daniel Schutte	16	7
Sing a new Church	Delores Dufner	6	4
Moses, I know you're the man	Estelle White	14	7
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top	Estelle White	16	8
Shine, Jesus, shine	Graham Kendrick	10	5
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	4	1
I am the Living Bread	Ifeanyichukwu Eze	7	4
Eat this bread	Jacques Berthier	11	5
One bread, one body	John Foley	12	5
Gift of finest wheat	John Michael Talbot	1	2
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	12	6
As the deer pants	Martin Nystrom	11	6
Let us build a house where love can dwell / All are welcome	Marty Haugen	5	4
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	6	3
Who is the alien	Mary Louise Bringle	9	5
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	8	3
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4	2
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	15	8
They'll know we are Christians by our love	Peter Scholtes	8	4
Jesus Christ the apple tree	R.H.	9	6
Lord of the Dance	Sidney Carter	2	2
Go, the Mass is ended	Sister Marie Lydia Pereira	3	2
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	13	7

Get voting!

Charity accuses "transpotphobic" teacher of hate crime

It is worrying to read that the charity "Teasmades" has called the police after a teacher refused to acknowledge one of his pupils as "transpotted".

The Director of Teasmades.

The Catholic (and indeed medical) position is clear. Many children go through a phase of singing the immortal hymn "I'm a little teapot, Short and stout. Here's my handle, Here's my spout" (arr. Dan Schutte), and this leads some of them to believe for a while that they are in fact teapots. But transpotterism is a psychological condition, and there is no way that such kids can really be teapots.

Should these kids be given surgery to fit handles and spouts?

The Catholic Catechism (based on quotations from the book of He-brews) is clear. Transpotted children and adults should be treated sympathetically: for example it is not permissible to describe them as "potty". Teasmades, however, is going too far in saying that they should be encouraged in their fantasies, and describing it as a "hate crime" when someone refuses to buy into such delusions.

"I'd rather have a cuppa!" Fr James Martin SJ wants to put the "tea" in LGBT.

Under the Equality Act, schools have a duty to accommodate transpotted children, for example by providing them with cosies, and places where they can pour out their troubles. This does not include medication, such as injections of tannin, as it would clearly be wrong to mess around with young children's biological make-up. As for surgically fitting them with handles and spouts - an operation available on the National Health Service - this should clearly be forbidden to children, and discouraged in general.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is a famous "transpot". It may explain a lot.

Liturgical dancing - the only way to worship

Advent is here, and many readers have asked me, "How can I brighten my services with a little liturgical dancing? The traditional litany of the Mass is so predictable, with its obsessive focus on God, and my congregation is crying out for novelty and entertainment."

So we have got together with some of the greatest liturgical experts of our time, to present a new translation of the Mass that can be (and should be) danced to. Out go the ancient Latin texts, and in come Spirit-of-Vatican-II dances from the period with which our experts are most familiar, from the 1940s to the 1970s!

KYRIE (arr. P. Inwood)

One, Two, Three O'clock, Four O'clock rock,
Five, Six, Seven O'clock, Eight O'clock rock.
Nine, Ten, Eleven O'clock, Twelve O'clock rock,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.

Dr Eccles, the Regius Professor of Liturgy at Oxford, explains: England's "Mr Liturgy" has chosen to replace the boring "Kyrie Eleison" stuff with a more rhythmic version, which marks the passage of the hours, while at the same time bringing us meekly to our Maker. It states our devout intentions for the Mass: "O Lord, we shall rock around the clock tonight."

GLORIA (arr. B. Farrell)

You put your left arm in,
Your left arm out.
In, out, in, out,
You shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around,
That's what it's all about!

Eccles: Bernie knows that all forms of worship are equally valid, even ones that don't have much to do with God, and so she has chosen to glorify the Lord by saying, in effect, "God created us to dance, and, when you get down to basics, that's what Christianity is all about."

CREDO (arr. D. Schutte)

Oh baby.
Yeah come on shake!
Oh, it's in the bag,
The hippy hippy shake!
Well now you shake it to the left,
Shake it to the right,
Do the hippy shake, shake,
With all your might!

Eccles: A powerful affirmation of faith from Dan Schutte, there. "Oh, it's in the bag," is a very concise summary of God's purpose in the world, I feel. "Do the hippy shake, shake, With all your might!" is certainly telling the world in no uncertain terms that we are backing God!

SANCTUS (arr. K. Mayhew)

Well, shake it up, baby, now (Shake it up, baby)!
Twist and shout (Twist and shout)!
C'mon c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now (Come on baby)!
Come on and work it on out (Work it on out)!

Eccles: A new take on the boring old "Holy, holy, holy" routine that drives so many people away. Kevin tells us to shake our bits to the Lord, and show Him we're gonna work it on out! This is just what we have come to expect from a man of sincere and deeply-held faith.

BENEDICTUS (arr. G. Kendrick)

You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine!
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life,
See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen!

Eccles: Well, "Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord" is very old-fashioned, and Graham has recognised that we may want to celebrate other blessed people, perhaps ones with a greater tendency to dance!

AGNUS DEI (arr. E. White)

Hands, knees, and boomps-a-daisy! I like a bustle that bends.
Hands, knees, and boomps-a-daisy! What is a boomp between 
   friends?
Hands, knees, oh, don't be lazy. Let's make the party a wow.
Now then, hands, knees, and boomps-a-daisy! Turn to your 
   partner and bow. Bow-wow!

Eccles: Estelle has gone for a more traditionalist liturgical dance, one in which physical contact is encouraged! "What is a boomp between friends?" we ask ourselves, and this is follows on naturally from the "Boomp of Peace" that many go-ahead parishes have introduced recently.

Bad Hymns 11

The Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Daniel Schutte, author of the hymn I, the Lord of sea and sky.

E: Now tell me, Dan, are you in fact the Lord of sea and sky? If so, what about the land? Are you telling me that the Navy and Air Force have surrendered to you, but the Army is fighting on?

Doctor, we're being attacked by a man called Schutte, who's already taken over the sea and sky.

DS: No, Eccles, you've got this all wrong. I am referring to God here, and I left out "land" because it wouldn't fit.

E: Oh I see. A bit like Psalm 46 then? Be still, and know that I am God. We used to sing this at school when I was young, but when I broke a window the teacher would never believe that it was an act of God. It was very confusing.

DS: Anyway, think of it as if God were singing my hymn, and not us. Modestly, I felt it was appropriate to put a few words into His mouth.

E: I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. But stars aren't dark, they're very hot and luminous. Well, many of them.

Proof that stars are not always dark.

DS: No, no, it's referring to "my people." Er, God's people, that is. They're mentioned earlier. Blimey, this grammar business isn't easy, is it?

E: Ah. So tell me about the chorus to your song, Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. That's not God speaking, is it?

DS: No, it's us.

E: Well it's true that I do sometimes hear noises in the night. Usually, it's my aunt screaming at the Internet. Are we all supposed to have heard God in the night?

DS: Well, it was Isaiah, really. But as in many modern hymns I am asking you to draw attention to yourself, and say "Look at me! I'm as good as Isaiah!"

Isaiah, who rarely got a decent night's sleep.

E: So what are we saying about ourselves, Dan?

DS: Well I thought you would quite like it, Eccles. We are saying that we are specially chosen people, and we're going out to save everyone else.

E: Oh, of course. As long as the hymn is about how great we are, and not about God. No wonder it's popular. Oh just one last thing...

DS: Yes, Eccles?

E: I the Lord of wind and flame, I will tend the poor and lame. I've got it, haven't I? Pentecostalism?

Wind and flame.

DS: Nice rhyme, though?

E: Oh all right. Not poor and lame. Well, not completely. Mr Schutte, thank you so much for coming along.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.