The Portsmouth liturgy survey

Paul Inwood explains the thinking behind his work.

We in the People's Republic of Portsmouth are very angry about the new translation of the liturgy, which goes right against the dumbing-down tradition we have followed all our lives. Indeed, the new version attempts to get closer to that heretical Latin missal which has blighted the Church for so many years.

A humble pie chart. The ICEL told me to eat it.

For the full document, you will need to go to this source, but here are some of the more striking results.

Q1. What do you think of the new translation of the Mass?

(a) Even better than the Sermon on the Mount (2%);
(b) OK (88%);
(c) They should have got Paul Inwood to do it (10%).

As you can see, 98% of the people who responded are totally dissatisfied.

Personally, I think some of the words are too difficult.

Q2. How much training were you given in its use?

(a) None at all - I'm quite capable of reading the new words off a piece of paper (30%);
(b) Some practice before the service (67%);
(c) A three-week intensive "boot camp" where I was fully indoctrinated. (3%).

As you can see, 97% of worshippers feel that they were not adequately prepared.

A boot camp; here, worshippers are learning the correct posture for prayer.

Q3. Traditional Catholic worship dates from the 1960s. Which of the following composers do you think best represents the 1960s?

(a) Bach (2%);
(b) Beethoven (2%);
(c) Paul Inwood (96%).

As you can see, a staggering 96% of people replying believe that Paul Inwood is the greatest composer who ever lived.

Bach - 98% of people think he has a silly hairstyle.

In addition, we asked people completing the survey to write down as many abusive epithets for the new translation as they could. Comments included:

* Blasphemous;
* Foul-mouthed language - too vile even for the BBC;
* Roche? Isn't that the French for "rock?" I suspect that the Pope's behind all this;
* My granny came out in spots the week after using it; that can't be a coincidence;
* Encourages paedophilia;
* Totally ignores the theological advances made by Richard Dawkins;
* I had to shoot my parrot when it started saying "consubstantial";
* Worse than anything Hitler ever did;
* Look, I'm a professional builder and any roof I make is fit for a King to enter under;
* Treats God like some sort of divine being rather than our best mate;
* I would have used "will" rather than "shall" at this point; clearly Arthur Roche is an illiterate savage;
* Has severely affected the sales of my music. Oops!

Arthur Roche - taking us back to Roman times.

Sorry, ICEL, you got it wrong. We in Portsmouth will continue to sing Paul Inwood's immortal anthem "Ying-tong ying-tong, ying-tong ying-tong, ying-tong iddle I po" and don't you try and stop us!

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If you disliked this article, you will certainly not want to read these:

An audience with Paul Inwood    and    Bad hymns 9 (Alleluia Ch-Ch).

New blogger

William Thompson (age 11).

In recognition of the fact that James Delingpole's little brother has followed him into the glamorous world of Telegraph blogging, we are pleased to announce that Damian Thompson's nephew William will be writing today's guest post for us.

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Hello, I'm William Thompson (age 11), and my uncle Damian is jolly pleased that you're letting me write on this blog. At first I was a bit jealous when I heard that my great friend Ginger Delingpole was going to be blogging on the Telegraph. I know I am better than him at Latin and RE, but he knows a lot about wind farms, and especially how to blow them up with things from the school science labs!

My chum Ginger Delingpole (age 11) with some of the girls in our school.

Like my friend Ginger, I am very keen on war games. At weekend my gang and I dress up in medieval costume, and we re-enact the historic religious controversies of the past. At first it was a bit dull, as we were recreating the Synod of Whitby, when St Hilda was forced to accept the Roman date for Easter rather than the Ionan date. What a yawn!

The critical moment when St Wilfrid convinces St Hilda.

Later on, we got onto the religious disputes of the middle ages, and I had a super time making torture implements out of the garden tools in Uncle Damian's shed. However, Mummy told me off when I set fire to little Violet Elizabeth Odone, as part of our "Joan of Arc" re-enactment.

"I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I'm thick!" says Miss Odone.

Like Uncle Damian I am very interested in what the Catholic church is doing. I tried to go with him to Westminster Cathedral to see the Pope, but Uncle Damian confiscated the catapult I was going to use to fire pebbles at Cardinal Cormac. I don't know whether he used it himself!

The Cardinal drinks tea.

In my next blog I will go into the differences between Novus Ordo Masses and Extraordinary Form. This is something that I know a lot about, because we spent last weekend re-enacting Vatican II. In fact, I was sent to bed early for putting a worm down the back of Hubert Lane (who was playing the part of Basil Loftus).

I'm sorry, Father, but my Uncle Damian says that Ad orientem is best.

Eccles's hair salon

Following the news that Paul Barber has been appointed Director of the Catholic Education Service, we discussed the matter with some unsuccessful candidates for the job.

Monty P. Barber.

"It's clear that there was some mistake in Paul Barber's appointment, and they intended to appoint a totally different barber, one who wouldn't implement a cut in standards. Cuts! Blood! Wounds! Aaagh... After his disastrous behaviour as governor of the Cardinal Vaughan school, this new man's actions are likely to lead to a lot of bad blood with parents. Blood! Sever! Psycho! Aaagh... I'd make a much better director, but now I'm thinking of diversifying into the lumberjack business."

Sweeney Todd.

"I could see at the job interview that things were going badly for me. I somehow thought that in the cut-throat world of Catholic education Vincent Nichols might want someone who was not afraid to murder parents and get them made into pies. He could have appointed me."

Ted Kaczynski, alias Oona Bomber.

"I am a registered 'domestic terrorist,' only too keen to do my bit towards destroying schools and homes. I offered my services to Vincent Nichols, but for some reason I wasn't even shortlisted."

Eccleston Square. Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate!

The Pope's first tweet

Announcer: Over now to the Vatican, where our reporter Ecclesiam is ready to give us an eye-witness account of the Pope's debut on Twitter.

Doing my first Tweet 4U all, ROFL.

Thank you. Well the papal procession is just entering the 14th century Chapel of Friar Stephen the garrulous. I can see Cardinal Pepperoni, Custodian of the Papal Tablet - there was some fuss there, because the Holy Father didn't really think that it was Catholic enough - and next to him Archbishop Cento E. Quaranta, the Secretary of the Congregation for Microblogging.

A pre-Vatican II computer.

It was originally thought that the Holy Father would be using the Vatican's medieval mainframe computer, XIMENES (the "Inquisitorial Engine," as it was known), but finally modern technology was chosen for this historic moment.

Well, all the characters involved in this ceremony have now entered the chapel, a total of 140, apparently. The Pope, dressed in mitre, fanon, and other papal robes, is saying a short prayer, blessing the computer and the internet as a whole.

It's not clear what the Pope will do next. Perhaps he will catch up on the blogs that he relies on to know what is happening in the world - Damian Thompson, Eccles, Father Z, and so on, first? I know that he is keen to see the photo of a fried egg that Father Z ate for breakfast this morning.

A breakfast fit for a pope. Will Benedict be uploading this photo?

Perhaps the Pope will go onto Facebook first, and update his status: "Infallible" is all very well, but more details would be welcome. No, he's removed his mitre, and, seating himself in the swivel chair once used by St Augustine, he's logging on to Twitter.

In the background we can hear the choir performing Bach's Cantata Domine Defende Nos Contra Fenestram Caeruleam Mortis (Lord, Defend us from the Blue Screen of Death).

For death is come up through our Windows (Jeremiah 9:21).

Well, Pope Benedict is shielding his hands as he types in the papal password. He had trouble when he went to the Vatican cashpoint to withdraw some beer money last week, and noticed Hans Küng standing behind him in the queue. The Holy Father was very worried that Professor Küng had seen him type in his PIN... It could be embarrassing now if the Pope's arch-rival were to hack into his account and start making "infallible" statements.

Advisers have been on hand so that the Pope does not inadvertently choose an easily-guessed password. BENEDICT, VATICAN and IAMTHEBOSS would have been a little too obvious.

White smoke indicates that HABEMUS PIPIENDUM.

Yes, the moment has come. Pope Benedict has spoken to the world, a message of greeting and blessing. Already 1 million people are retweeting it, Richard Dawkins is composing some smartass reply, and second-rate comedians like Eccles are trying to think of jokes to make.

And the Pope is now dismissing us with the traditional words Ite, Pipiendum est!

English Archbishops get tough

"Go ahead, make my day, Cameron."

In a sudden change of direction, Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Peter Smith, previously regarded as lovable fluffy bunnies who wouldn't say "Boo!" to a goose, have turned on David Cameron and told him in no uncertain terms where to stick his proposals for same-sex marriage.

A goose, one of many in fear of an archiepiscopal booing.

It is believed that the terrible two, "Dirty Vinny" and "Rambo Pete" have been watching their opposite numbers in Scotland, and decided to emulate them. The trigger was perhaps the carefully-written statement from "Big Joe" Devine, the "Mr Big" of Motherwell, which said, "Watch yer step, Cameron, ur I'll be givin' ye a Glasgae kiss, Jimmy, d'ye ken?"

Don't cross Big Joe Devine.

It has also been speculated that the sudden vehemence shown by the London archbishops is partly due to a change of diet. Instead of their traditional London fare of jellied eels, or pie and mash, the two bishops have been seen partaking of a nourishing meal of haggis O'Brien with neeps Tartaglia, washed down with Glen Toal whisky.

Other Catholic Bishops are preparing to enter the debate.

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The results of the 2011 census are now being released. The percentage of Anglican clergy believing in God is reported to be 20% (down 10% from 2001). On the other hand, the percentage of atheists believing in Richard Dawkins is a mere 5% (no change there, then).

What's happened to all my worshippers?

How well do you know the liturgy?

We have decided to help out the Tablet staff, who have been having trouble with their questionnaire on the new translation of the Mass, perhaps because many of them are not regular church-goers. Accordingly, we provide another quiz, this time to test readers' knowledge of the new translation.

Tablet staff studying an English missal.

1. If the priest says "The Lord be with you," what is 
the correct response? 
(a) Thank you.
(b) And with your spirit.
(c) Look, poor old Granny Pepinster's late, she must have 
overslept again, and... oh he's started.

2. Which action do you do when making a Confession?
(a) Slap your head, and say "D'oh, I got it wrong again!"
(b) Beat your breast and say "Through my most grievous fault." 
(c) Scratch your back and say "Gosh, these pews are uncomfortable!"

Mea culpa!

3. Which is it?
(a) Circumstantial like the Father.
(b) Consubstantial with the Father.
(c) Confidential to the Father.

4. Lord I am not worthy that... Which?
(a) I should climb onto Your roof.
(b) You should enter under my roof.
(c) I should fall off the roof.

Unworthy people.

5. Go forth, the Mass is... What?
(a) Running late.
(b) Ended.
(c) Cancelled.

6. You may occasionally hear some Latin. Which of these is 
a Latin phrase?
(a) Elena Curti.
(b) Agnus Dei.
(c) San Diego.

Top scores so far: Clifford Longley 3, Ed Stourton 2, Chris Patten 1.

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Late News.

After rumours that both the Dandy and Tablet comics would be forced to close through falling subscriptions, it has just been announced that they will merge.

Your new Danlet will continue to feature those much-loved comic characters who have given us so many hours of fun. For example, we shall still be able to read the hilarious exploits of that distinguished historian:

Desperate Duffy,

and that expert on religion, society and human flourishing*:

Beattie the Peril.

Available at the back of the church, now!

*Having fun.

New Hymns 3

Well, Advent is with us, the commercial impersonators of St Nicholas are in the shops, and the streets have been ringing with Christmas carols for about three months now. So we felt it appropriate to invite Charles Wesley here, to participate in an Eccles master-class on how Hark! The Herald Angels Sing could be adapted for modern worship.

Charles Wesley: willing to learn from modern hymn-writers.

Eccles: Charles, nice to see you here, today. I was at the Tablet Christmas party last week, and the guests joined in with a version of your hymn that began:

Hark! The Tina Beattie sings:
"Blame the Pope for everything!"

CW: Thanks for inviting me here, Eccles. In fact, my original version began:

Hark! How all the welkin rings:
Glory to the King of Kings,

so I'm quite used to people altering the words.

E: Alas, welkins have been done to death in that famous song Whelk, whelk, whelk in the light, by Damian Lundy.

A whelk in the light.

CW: So, in our improved version, shall we stick with Mendelssohn's tune? After all, it's the one used throughout the whole world.

E: Except in Portsmouth, apparently, where some local chap has got the hymn banned in favour of his own repertoire. Sing me a few lines, so that we can see what it's all about.

CW: Hark! The herald angels sing:
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled."

A herald angel, off duty.

E: Stop, stop, stop! I can see what you're doing wrong. You've got at least one new idea in each line, and none of them repeated. Why, Graham Kendrick would have started off with Hark, angels, hark and spun out the first line to a whole verse.

CW: It's good of you tell me this, Eccles. We can all learn from modern masters.

E: Let's give the Hark! motif more prominence. How about:

Hark, hark, hark! The angels sing.
Hark, hark, hark! The newborn King!
Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.
Hark, hark, hark! We're reconciled.

Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.

CW: I see, what you're doing there. Cutting out most of the theology and making sure the song is really about us, not God.

E: There's still something wrong, though. "Reconciled" won't do. It's a long word, and might distress the congregation.

CW: How about Hark, hark, hark! We won't go wild for the fourth line?

E: Yes, that's much better. The only way the song could be improved now would be by changing "Hark" to "Ho". Nobody says "Hark" these days, especially not post-Vatican II angels.

CW: So we arrive at the final version, which is much more Christmassy!

Ho, ho, ho! The angels sing.
Ho, ho, ho! The newborn King!
Ho, ho, ho! We're meek and mild.
Ho, ho, ho! We won't go wild.

E: Perfect! Well, you can finish it off, Chazza.

"Ho, ho, ho!" The true message of Christmas.

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Earlier masterclasses: John Henry Newman    King David.

Same-sex marriage preparation

Dave and Nick on their wedding day.

Hello, I'm Father Pat, and you must be Dave and Nick, eh? I'm so glad that you could drop round for some pre-marriage instruction. Since it became the law that churches must marry any couple requesting it (human rights, wasn't it?) we've been welcoming all sorts of people. You're very much in love, aren't you?

Dave: Yes, it was love at first sight. We began with a simple coalition, but now we want to go the whole way.

Pat: And what do your families think?

Nick: Well, mine are mostly supportive. Dave's family is more traditionally-minded, though. There's Auntie Maggie for one. I don't think she'll be leaving us much in her will!

Uncle Norman won't be coming to the wedding.

Pat: Now, the church has put together a marriage service for you, as we had no real choice, once the police had shot Cardinal O'Brien and Lord Carey. There are some really fine Biblical readings here.

Dave: Yes, I'm a little unhappy about Genesis 19, describing the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Pat: Oh, all weddings have this now, so you're not being discriminated against.

Mrs Lot, an unfortunate wedding guest.

Nick: Also, the reading from Matthew 19. Do we have to have the bit where Christ says that marriage is between a man and a woman?

Pat: I'm afraid so. Also Romans 1, where St Paul gives us a pep talk on morality. Now tell me, are you planning to have children?

Dave: Oh I do hope so. I came from a large family myself. I had nine brothers, and what tearaways we were, eh? Especially Boris.

Ten very naughty children.

Nick: Yes, they drank too much and then did a lot of damage - trashing schools, hospitals, universities, railways, banks,... But in the end, Dave always knew that he'd pay for it.

Pat: Well, that's water under the bridge now. Let me show you a photo from a wedding I conducted last week.

You may now kiss the bride.

Dave: I think I can handle that part. Of course the bit we're really nervous about is the honeymoon afterwards.

The honeymoon.

Pat: So romantic.

Nick: We see ourselves as a modern Romeo and Julian.

Dave: Or Tristan and Isidore.

Nick: Or Napoleon and Joseph.

Booming Voice: PATRICIA! AREN'T YOU FINISHED YET?

Pat: Blimey, it's the missus. O.K. we'd better end now.

The Tina Beattie farewell tour

Tina's Westminster gig.

As Tina says "goodbye" to the Catholic Church - or at least, most of the Catholic Church says "goodbye" to Tina - in order to provide leadership to the breakaway sect of Roe-ham Catholics, we can now reveal the programme for her farewell tour.

The prestigious venues at which Tina will entertain people with an evening of comedy and variety include the Clifton Hippodrome, the San Diego City Music Hall, the Digby Stuart Saloon Bar, the Crazy Tablet Nightclub, and the very Oddfellows' Hall, Westminster!

The Comedy Theatre - scene of Tina's greatest triumphs.

Yes, Tina will give us her hilarious stage show, where she turns Catholic doctrine on its head and presents us with several hilarious newly-minted heresies! And there is a powerful supporting cast:

Will you welcome "Peppermint" Kate!

"Peppermint" Kate, the comic, who came to fame with her "Dead Tablet" sketch - of which everyone can quote the brilliantly nonsensical line, this is progressive, but responsible Catholic thinking, a place where orthodoxy is at home but ideas are welcome - will be sharing the billing with Tina. And Kate is also a talented contortionist - watch her put her foot in her mouth and her head in the sand!

King Küng.

See King Küng the ape-man strike terror into the audience! This is the creature who tried to scale the walls of the Vatican and sit in the Pope's chair! But is he a real monster, or just a big man in a monkey suit?

Eamon and the Duffers.

Eamon and the Duffers, that well-known singing group from the Emerald Isle, will also be providing musical entertainment: they'll perform a selection of old Irish folk songs, concluding with that very moving ballad about a man carried off by the Soviet forces of the Vatican: Oh Duffy boy, your tripe's, your tripe's appalling.

Cafod Beeblebrox.

Also appearing for the last time, before he is forced to change his name and drop the "Catholic" label, is Cafod Beeblebrox, the two-faced fugitive from justice. He's said to have taken millions of pounds from innocent people who believed that they were supporting orthodox Catholic teaching, but will he get away with it tonight?

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All profits from the Tina Beattie farewell tour will go to the Justice for Tina campaign, and the We love Tina fan club.

"She's going!" Antonio Mennini shows his souvenir programme to some friends.

Bad Hymns 15

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Fr John Glynn, who is going to tell us about his hymn I watch the sunrise.

I watch the sunrise.

E: Good to have you here, John. I see from your website that your hymn has been used in a variety of contexts: radio, TV, films,... why, some people even sing it at weddings and funerals.

JG: Yes, it also makes a great accompaniment to Tom and Jerry cartoons, especially the bit where Jerry is hitting Tom over the head with a hammer: he sings the moving words, I watch the hammer, hitting your head.

E: Well, that's enough free advertising. Let's talk about the hymn itself. There's a lot in it about what you do all day long, but not much about God, really.

JG: I've got a lot of time on my hands these days, Eccles, and I do spend most of the day staring out of the window.

E: So I see. Now, in verse 1 you've got up bright and early to see the sunrise, and you're rambling on about the shadows the sun casts.

JG: Yes, many worshippers don't realise that the sun casts shadows, so I thought I'd point this out.

Evidence that the sun does indeed cast shadows.

E: But of course God is close as well. That's the main message of the hymn - in fact the only one - apart from a detailed description of what you do all day long. I watch the sunrise/sunlight/sunset/moonlight.

JG: Here's a verse we didn't use, Eccles. It was again about watching things, but it has a tragic theme to it.

I watch the toaster warming the bread,
Grilling my toast for tea,  
But, as it pops up into my face,
I feel that pain is near me.

E: It would be good for funerals, maybe, John. Moments of sadness, and all that. Not so good for weddings, maybe,

JG: No, also it does get away slightly from the main theme of the song, which is astronomical observations.

I watch the planets, when the sky's clear, bumbling along their ways.

E: I was going to ask about that, actually. What do you do when it's cloudy, and you can't see the sun?

JG: Go down to the pub, usually. I didn't write a verse about that.

John Glynn's favourite pub.

E: I still have this problem that I confuse your song with another better-known one:

I see skies of blue,
And clouds of white.
The bright blessed day,
The dark sacred night.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world. 

Oh yeah.

What John Glynn was trying to say.

JG: Yes, that does seem to have as much religious content as my own song. It's even got the words "blessed" and "sacred" in it, so we know it's a genuine hymn. And the "Oh yeah" at the end is classic Paul Inwood, if I'm not mistaken.

E: Jealous?

JG: Just a bit. Still, my hymn is in all the hymn books, and that's what counts. Also, the producers of a forthcoming Dracula musical have been thinking of getting the Count to sing a new verse:

Can't see the sunlight, I'm underground,
Lying inside my tomb,
And, as I rest from chasing the girls, 
I feel the earth is near me.

E: You could use that verse at funerals too, couldn't you? John Glynn, thank you for talking to us.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.