Carey on Killing

A new film in the long-running "Carey-on" series, has been produced, but it has been seriously panned by the critics, and it may not go on general release.

Entitled "Carey on Killing", it stars Sid James as Sid Falconer, the dodgy proprietor of the "Zap-Yer-Grandad" Assisted Suicide Company.

Sid Falconer and Bishops Wilson and Carey come to a patient's assistance.

Glamorous support is provided by blonde bombshell Rosie Harper (Barbara Windsor), who tells the House of Lords that the "moral and Christian" approach to sick and dying people is to push them over the edge.

Saucy boy! Wait till I tell my bishop!

A key role is played by Archbishop George Carey (Bernard Bresslaw), who, sick and tired of promoting orthodox Christian doctrine (or at least an Anglican version of it) decides to go out in style!

George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death (non Angeli sed Anglici...)

It is a pity that this film is so poor. Our own personal favourite amongst the Carey-on films was "Carey on Praying" in which George Carey was molested in Canterbury Cathedral by Peter Tatchell (a comic role played by Kenneth Williams) when he tried to defend the traditional family. This film simply does not compare in terms of spiritual nourishment.

"Infamy! They've all got it infamy!" says Tatchell.

Eccles verdict: do not go and see this film. The characters are totally unbelievable.

World Pope Competition

As most of our readers will know, the Catholic Church has abandoned the old method of choosing its pope - whereby a lot of old men sat in a smoke-filled room trading insults for several days - in favour of a new competition in which the candidates battle it out in pairs. Brazil has been hosting the current competition, which started with the World Youth Day in 2013 and has been carrying on ever since.

The finalists, from Argentina and Germany.

The British did very badly in the competition. Keith O'Brien from Scotland failed to qualify - indeed he was accused of foul play - and England's Vincent Nichols was eliminated at an early stage when it was discovered that he had very few goals, and was incapable of saving.

Vincent Nichols: "a disappointing performance".

In fact England have not won the competition since 1154, when Pope Adrian IV (Nick Brakespear) took the title after extra time. However, the English always live in hope of a repeat performance, and one often sees the St George's flag being displayed during papal conclaves.

Cardinal Vingt-Trois of France wore this shirt, but failed to win.

The competition was not without incident. Cardinal Suàrez of Uruguay was disqualified for biting his opponent, evidently misunderstanding just what is considered acceptable conduct for the "kiss of peace".

Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina! Farley and Beattie want to see a woman win.

In the semi-finals, Joe Ratzinger (Germany) put seven key doctrinal points past the Archbishop of São Salvador da Bahia (Brazil), whereas George Bergoglio (Argentina) struggled to beat the Metropolitan Bishop of Utrecht (Netherlands) on penalties. The entire universe waits to see who will win the final: will the modern philosophical style of Bergoglio really prove stronger than the traditional dialectic of Ratzinger? As the referee puts it: "Who am I to judge?"

St Charlie Wojtyła (Poland), a previous winner of the title.

The Way, the Truth and the Death

The story so far:

1. An Anglican calling herself Canon Rosie Harper, Chaplain to the Bishop of Buckingham, tells the House of Lords that voting against Lord Falconer's Assisted Death bill is "neither moral nor Christian".

"... and there's a poor old man behind me that we could bump off..."

2. The Anglican blogger Cranmer points out that she is wrong and misguided (and her views are contrary to the C of E's official position).

3. The Bishop of Buckingham jumps in with both feet and describes Cranmer's comments as "outrageous trolling".

4. The Baptist blogger Geoffrey Sales asks "Bishops: what are they good for?" with special reference to recent blunders by +Buckingham, +Oxford and +Lancaster, whom he memorably describes as a "bunch of Vichyite jellyfish".

5. The world looks to Eccles for a ruling.

"Hello, I'm your new bishop."

Well, when in doubt go back to the scriptures and see what Jesus said and did.

Mark 1:40. And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst put me out of my pain.

41. And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; go forth and die.

42. And the leper lived happily ever after dropped dead.

Jesus bumpeth off the leper.

Pretty conclusive, eh? Jesus saveth the man a lot of unnecessary suffering. Let's see what else Jesus did.

Mark 5:22. And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him, he fell at his feet,

23. And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and "do a Falconer" on her, that she may be finished off quickly.

Of course this one hath a twist in the tail...

35. While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further?

36. And Jesus said, Great! That letteth me out!

Get the point? If the girl had been brought back to life, she would only have had to die again one day!

"Bring Me a hammer, in case she is not really dead."

Well, that's enough of that. But think how cross Lazarus would have been if Jesus had raised him from the dead? "Owwwww! Now I've got to go through that suffering all over again," he'd have complained.

VERDICT: Three cheers for Rosie Harper, the Apostle of Assisted Suicide!

Who invented Giles Fraser?

Leading satirical religious bloggers were disputing today over the origin of the Giles Fraser trope (or do I mean "meme"?). This is a comic creation that has been seen in many places, often in the form of a Church of England priest who promotes secular socialism as Christianity.

Pull the tassel and his head lights up.

This blog denies any responsibility for the Giles Fraser idea, but here are some possible suspects.

Standing on my head by Fr Dwight Longenecker. Was this the origin of the "Christ would have approved of same-sex marriage" joke?

The Beaker folk of Husborne Crawley by Archdruid Eileen. Could she have invented the "I don't object to suicide on religious grounds, merely because it is a tool of market capitalism" quip?

Linen on the Hedgerow by Richard Collins. Surely nobody else could have come up with the idea of a priest who sells his soul to the Guardian?

Dr Spaceley-Trellis.

One obvious ancestor of the Giles Fraser character is Peter Simple's Dr Spaceley-Trellis, the go-ahead bishop of Bevindon, who regarded Christ as a social worker, and was anxious to reject His miracles and moral teaching. Another ancestor is probably Tolkien's character Fr Gollum, with his cries of "Bigotsess, I hatess them!"

... and I was wondering whether you could invite Fr Gollum onto Thought for the Day?

Of course the Catholics have their own comedy characters, some as hilarious as Giles Fraser. We were thinking especially of the brilliant Basil Loftus, who is generally agreed to be an invention of Dr Joseph Shaw.

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In other Anglican news, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has admitted to being strongly influenced by Buddhism. When he runs out of socially aware prayers to say, a spot of navel-contemplation keeps the archiepiscopal spirit fully nourished.

The mystic art of Can-tu-ar.

Ancient comedy team reunited

All eyes were on the O2 arena last night, where a group of 1960s comedians (described by Mick Jagger as "a bunch of wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth and make a load of money") were reunited in a performance of "Monty Python and the Holy Smoke", also known as "The Spirit of Vatican II".

Cardinal Kasper and friends in "Nobody expected the CDF".

The names on stage were legendary: people who we thought we'd never see again - such as Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, Basil Loftus, and Lorenzo Baldisseri - and they performed all those comic sketches we remember from the 1960s.

Basil Loftus - later starred in "Fawlty Dogmas".

As expected, we had a revival of the famous "Dead Parish" sketch, in which the customer complains that nobody attends his church any more, and the shopkeeper tries to persuade him that guitars and clown masses are the answer.

The Ministry of Silly Walks - liturgical dancing from Liverpool.

A touch of glamour was provided by Prof. Tina Beattie, who starred in "The Killer Joke", the tale of a woman who writes such a funny book (God's Mother, Eve's Advocate) that everyone who reads it dies laughing.

We also enjoyed the "Argument" sketch, in which an innocent pope goes into the Tablet offices, and finds himself engaged in a meaningless dialogue, in which everything he says is contradicted.

It's Da Bishop! And he's caught one of his deacons blogging!

Finally, the audience joined in with enthusiasm when Paul Inwood appeared on stage to lead them in a chorus of his notorious hymn "I'm a lumbering hack and I'm OK, ch-ch", backed by the ACTA choir.

Paul Inwood.

Of course, it is now illegal for anyone to put on a public performance without including at least one of Stephen Fry, Brian Cox and Stephen Hawking, and this show was no exception. But curiously their pompous atheism fitted in very well with the rest of the proceedings.

Elton John tells us about Jesus

Sir Elton John, the musician, best known for his song "Scandal in the Wind", gives us this in-depth of analysis of Jesus, and what He would have said and done if he had "been alive today".

Jesus was basically a very Christian sort of person, you see; of course, he would have dropped the awkward bits of Christianity, such as claiming to be the Son of God, and perhaps gone in for a more touchy-feely version of the faith, perhaps influenced by Buddhism. Maybe he would have become a Jedi knight, and preached a good wholesome creed such as "May the Force be with you" (et cum spiritu tuo, Ed.) before hitting people with strip lights.

Elton John, with Jorge Bergoglio and Damian Thompson, in the 1970s.

Probably, Jesus would have come out as a gay man and entered into a civil partnership and then marriage with John, "the beloved disciple". Next, by means of a mysterious procedure which probably involves women somewhere along the line - but this isn't important - they'd have produced a couple of bizarrely-named sons, perhaps called Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John and Dwight Furniture Messiah-John.

Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John.

Of course Jesus was all about love, compassion, forgiveness and having a really kinky time - especially when this means that two or more people of the same sex - or hey, even different sexes! - can get together and do what they like. My old friend Jorge (like me he changed his name to something cooler) has stripped his church down to the bare bones, and when he said "Who am I to judge?" his real message was "Elton, get your trousers off!"

More from the historic meeting of Damian, Jorge and Elton.

Of course what Jorge needs to do now is to appoint lots of gay priests, especially married ones. It's what Jesus would have wanted, and I know that this is one of the pope's main priorities. I have offered my services as an adviser on spiritual matters, along with other great minds such as Catherine Pepinster and Nancy Pelosi, and I expect to be given a humble role - perhaps as Cardinal John, head prefect (and milk monitor) of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith - just as soon as the pope gets round to reading my e-mail!

Elton plays "Scandal in the Wind".

The Cormac wakes

Below the thunders of the upper deep,
Far far beneath in the abysmal sea,
His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep
The Cormac sleepeth: faintest sunlights flee
About his shadowy sides: above him swell
Huge sponges of millennial growth and height;
And far away into the sickly light,
From many a wondrous grot and secret cell
Unnumbered and enormous polypi
Winnow with giant arms the slumbering green.
There hath he lain for ages and will lie
Battening upon huge seaworms in his sleep,
Until the latter fire shall heat the deep;
Then once by men and angels to be seen,
In roaring he shall rise and on the surface die.

These words of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, came to mind this week as we saw the fabulous Cormac rise to the surface with a letter to the effect that the law was doing little to protect religious liberties.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor takes charge.

Yes, after a fifteen-year sleep, in which it lay deep in its Westminster grot, and let the world go to the Devil without doing a great deal to stop it, the Cormac has arisen! And it's angry!

For the Cormac has noticed that Catholic adoption agencies have been forced to close, and that bed-and-breakfast owners are being coerced into hosting activities which are unequivocally condemned by their religion! And it has written to the Telegraph about it!

Disgusted of Chiswick.

In this, it is simply following in the steps of our Lord, who once wrote to the Jerusalem Telegraph in these tones:

Dear Sir,
I have recently noticed that the Temple of Jerusalem is being used for money-changing, as well as the selling of sheep, oxen and pigeons. It really is appalling! What a generation of vipers we see around us these days!

Yours sincerely,
Jesus Bar-Joseph.

It really is appalling!

Of course, the Cormac is not without influence. Ten years ago it took umbrage at the controversial journalism of Damian Thompson at the Telegraph, and wished to see him enter a voluntary period of prayer and reflection (© +Lancaster). And lo! a miracle occurred, and the Dame is now exiled to the Spectator!

With the Cormac arisen from the depths, what other fabulous creatures remain there in a deep sleep? Will we see the legendary Vin (Cardinalis Nichols) rise from its slumber? Today would be a good opportunity for it to condemn London Pride marches...

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

Some commentators claim that there is a whole school of fabulous sea creatures keeping their heads down, and refusing to take a moral lead. We have even heard them described as the Catholic Fish-shops of England and Wales, although this may be a mishearing.

How to pray

The Bible gives several useful tips on what to say when you pray, but is less clear when it comes to matters of posture. Our experts have identified five possible positions you may choose to adopt.

Kneeling, the old-fashioned way (Posture 5, below).

1. Standing. This is very popular nowadays (even in parts of the Extraordinary Form Mass), although a pedant might argue that it goes against Matthew 6:5, And when ye pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites, that love to stand and pray in the synagogues and corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Moreover, it means that anyone behind you who is kneeling cannot see what is going on.

The 5 sacred postures.

This aside, there are four postures which make use of the pews/seats:

2. Sitting, and leaning back. This is roughly as antisocial as tilting your seat back on an aeroplane. It limits the possible postures adopted by the person behind you - of the ones listed below, your neighbour can still manage 3, but 4 and 5 will be prevented.

Ladies, no slouching, please!

3. Sitting, and leaning forward. Bad for the back muscles, but perhaps the best if you refuse to kneel.

4. Sit/kneeling, with backside on seat and knees on the hassock/kneeler/cushion embroidered with a picture of Micky Mouse (whichever your church provides).

The pope is unimpressed by a bishop's praying posture.

5. Kneeling, with backside unsupported, and body leaning against seat in front. This is surely the most recommended for saved persons, if possible. Of course it is also the most tiring.

An alternative praying position, not discussed here.

Well, now we come to today's question of church etiquette.

QUAERITUR: The lady in front of me is a "Position 2" pray-er, and sits right back when she prays. Thus, when I adopted my own favourite Position 5, I got my hands tangled in her hair. She then switched to Position 3 (leaning forward), at the same time tutting loudly. Should I now keep the territory gained, or should I retreat to Position 4 (sit/kneeling)?

FATHER E. writes: Oh, you must keep the territory gained. Perhaps you can somehow make use of an umbrella, firearm, cuddly toy, or whatever else you carry with you, to help you hold your position.

... or whatever else you carry with you...

Damian's Last Post

From Saturday's Daily Telegraph, or possibly not.

As most people will know by now, Damian Thompson is leaving the Daily Telegraph after an entirely amicable beating up by "self-content officer", "editor-in-chief" and "supreme commander", Jason Seiken. This blog has been given exclusive rights to the Dame's last Telegraph column, the one that was never actually printed.

Jason Seiken - he wants you to consume great content. Or something.

Just what is happening at the Telegraph? Mekon lookalike Jason Seiken has sacked nearly all the staff and from now is going to write the entire newspaper himself. However, all is not lost: reports are coming in that my friend Brainy Gordon is still on board. Brainy is known for her tasteful memoir The wrong knickers; some have compared her descriptions of the angst felt by young ladies seeking men to Jane Austen at her best ("Fie, Mr Bingley! You have sent me the bloomers of Lady Catherine de Bourgh by mistake!"). Brainy is said to be working on a sequel, to be called The wrong bra, or My cup runneth over. My spies tell me that she is in line to become the new business editor of the Telegraph.

Professor Gordon. The badge reminds her how to spell her own name.

I myself am moving on to pastures new. After giving the best years of my life to the Telegraph and recruiting such star bloggers as James Delingpole, David Lindsay, Martin Salter, Gerald Warner, and George Pitcher, I have decided to take my talents elsewhere. Of course I do have my regular column at the Spectator, in which I introduce readers to composers they may never have heard of before, such as the "three Bs" - Bach, Beethoven and Mozart - but this hardly pays enough to keep me in CDs.

So I am currently weighing up various offers: the Australian Pottymouth Gazette, incorporating Rolf Harris's Kangaroo-tying Weekly, is looking for a new correspondent specialising in Catholicism, cupcakes and custard, and I may be in with a chance there. Alternatively, my old friend Cardinal Vincent Nichols has been getting a bad press lately - mostly from me - so I am thinking of offering my services as his new press officer.

Of course, since he suppressed the Protect the Pope blog, Bishop Campbell has also started feeling unwanted. I have written to him, offering to revive the PtP blog, leavening its usual heretic-smiting with a few witty anecdotes about Gladys Mills and Noele Gordon (mother of my friend Brainy!) We'll see if he bites!

Bishop Campbell asks for an extra helping of custard.

One of the great things about my blog is the number of daughter blogs that it has inspired. I regularly read Mundabor's blog, although I don't really understand his references to Pope Quisling and the Sodo-Nazis - I think they must be some sort of rock group.

I even read Bosco's blog!

Then there are Catholicism Pure and Simple, Eccles is Saved, All along the watchtower, the donkey man, etc. Of course my favourite blog of all is On the Side of the Angels, written by my great friend the Archbishop of Corby.

Dude, aren't you homologising the contradictorily monolithic contextualisms of mimetic space, by disregarding the tensely granulated actualities of logocentric wholeness?

So, what else is happening at the Telegraph? There's still a strong religious presence, both from the slightly silly wing of the Catholic Church (Tim Stanley) and the Monster Raving Pelosi church (Cristina Odone); Geoffrey Lean (aged 107) is there to warn us of the dangers of a new technology called the "horseless carriage"; and Dan Hodges is ready to give his expert opinion on the World Cup (apparently England are hot favourites), UKIP (not likely to get any MEPs), and Ed Miliband (a man of impeccable table manners).

The affable Dan Hodges.

Although I am sorry to let my blogging sheep wander unattended, I have every confidence that they will continue to generate click-bait by writing controversial articles, such as "Do Muslims cause climate change, or should we be blaming Steve Gerrard?"

So, farewell to all the readers of my blog, most of whom were banned long ago by my zealous team of Sri Lankan "muddlerators" (thanks, Eccles!) as soon as they said anything intelligent. I'm not generally in favour of euthanasia, but I've arranged for the last remaining trolls - mainly mollusc-molesters, Dawkinsites, incognito deacons, Fabian teenage girls, and of course a coach-load of "Phil" sockpuppets - to be sent to the Lord Falconer Death Camp, as they clearly cannot live without me. Byeee!

Freed from the evil Telegraph Empire, Damian looks 20 years younger already!

Graven images

We had two particularly interesting reactions to the piece on the (British) Ten Commandments: one, from Archdruid Eileen, wondered how many commandments there really were, and what they were exactly (Beaker Folk and Catholics having a different way of cutting up those stone tablets into handy soundbites). Bruvver Bosco made a similar point in the comments to the piece:

Ha ha, you used the catholic ten commandments brother Eccles. Notice how the 2nd commandment has been changed. They got rid of that pesky "do not make or worship or bow befor graven images." My hats off to the catholic church. That takes guts to get rid of commandments they don't like. So come on all you faithful cathols...its Ok to bow befor any and all graven images. Hold on to them tight...that trip to hell can get breezy.

The Calvary Chapel, with its graven image of a dove.

Regular readers of this blog will know that Bosco is a member of the Calumny Chapel, and he kisses a cement dove before he goes to bed each night. Apart from that, he is very tough on graven images - for example he threw out a photo of our Anti Moly just in case anyone in the house was tempted to bow down and worship it.

Not to be worshipped.

Still, as someone on a continuing spiritual journey, I do have a question to ask of the experts. "Graven" seems to mean "engraved" or "sculpted", like Bosco's cement dove. Are paintings and photographs evil? Or only if you worship them? Here's another test case, a 1938 painting of Catholic bloggers Fr Tim Finigan and Mrs Caroline Farrow as children (haven't they worn well?)

Does this break the 1st (or 2nd) commandment?

Our old friend Damian Thompson is known to worship cupcakes: indeed, he has written a book on addiction, and how he attended Cupcakes Anonymous meetings in a vain attempt to break himself of this habit. We did think he was now cured, but last time I went round to see him, I found him kneeling before the graven images below.

A clear breach of the commandments.

Well, the general consensus - Bosco and the Muslims aside - seems to be that making images is not the real problem, so much as worshipping false gods; and that is taken care of by the first commandment.

"He just worships that bicycle..."

Protect the Poe

One fine day I started writing something slightly more inviting,
Which I hoped to make exciting, though I found the work a chore.
I had spent the night carousing, on the Internet a-browsing,
Many blogs I found arousing, many writers to explore:
Finigan and Father Zuhlsdorf, Blake and Farrow, and yet more:
Sometimes even Mundabor.

When the last pope came to Britain, Dawkins and his pals had 
   kittens,
But a famous blog was written -  you'll have heard of it, I'm 
   sure.
Facing widespread insurrection, Donnelly tried pope-protection,
Holding up to wide inspection all the danger at the door:
ACTA's clowns, Küng, Tina Beattie; and the Tablet - what a bore!
Wickedness one can't ignore.

At this point you may be inexplicably thinking about ravens.

Thus in hope I went a-seekin' for the blog of Nick the Deacon,
Those who wished our faith to weaken shuddered when they heard 
   him roar.
But to my great consternation, and indeed severe frustration,
There'd been an enforced cessation of the work I'd seen before.
Orders from on high had come in, orders Nick could not ignore -
Someone sticking in his oar.

Now the Bishop of Lancaster was to blame for this disaster
For, said he, "I am the Master. You will write your blog no more.
Pray, reflect, but do be wary - though my ban is voluntary,
Woe to you if you're contrary - don't resist, or I'll get sore.
Those who disobey my orders end up lying on the floor,
Sometimes weltering in gore."

Do you know there's a deacon under the table, Bishop?

From outside there came a knocking, and a sound of laughter 
   mocking,
Horrid sounds, aggressive, shocking - but I opened wide the door.
Now, that was a foolish gamble - through the door stepped Bishop 
   Campbell, 
And the man began to ramble - as he stood upon my floor.
"Now the pope is unprotected, is it your fault, Monsignor?"
"I deny it!" - thus he swore.

When our bishops are unwilling to give heretics a grilling,
Such indifference is chilling - for there's blasphemy galore!
Thus the bishop's pride I tested, for politely I requested,
"Now that Deacon Nick has rested, will you now his blog restore?
When can simple truth be published as it was in days of yore?"
Quoth the bishop, "Nevermore."

After 3 months of prayer and reflection, the deacon looks the worse for wear.