Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.

You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.

Consider this post as another item in our long-running series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia weren't taking any chances!)

Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss. The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint, so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.

St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.

Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office - and your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.

A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing. We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role of the great healer. Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up as a Jesuit priest. This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so difficult for you.

Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?

Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.

What's next on the agenda? Oh yes, sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by giving a moral lead. No problem...

How to write your own Dubia

This is the latest in our "How to be a good Pope" series, principally intended for those of our readers who one day will get a nudge in the ribs and a cheerful cry of "You did it, Mussolini! Go out and dictate!" Yes, apparently friends call you Mussolini, but you have never understood why.

The story so far: after eight years, you have decided to kick your predecessor Pope Benedictus in the teeth by scribbling off an apostolic letter "Trads are Cussed" which will severely restrict the out-of-date rigid Latin Mass on the grounds that it is divisive because it doesn't stop every ten minutes to say how wonderful Vatican II was. In fact most of the bishops ignored TC, probably because they knew you had made up the results of the questionnaire on which you based it.

Nevertheless, a lot of people are very cross about "Trads Cussed", and even your attack poodles such as top biographer Jane Austen Ivereigh (author of "Pride and Prejudice - a biography of Pope Fred") aren't managing to win the argument. What is to be done?

Cardinal Sally has left the Congregation of Divine Worship, and, using a theological principle known as "Buggins's Turn", you have given the job to Uncle Arthur Roach, his former deputy, even though he's obviously a complete goon. But how to proceed? You can't just write a sequel - Trads Cussed 2 - as people will just think you were too feeble to get it right first time.

"Shall I send a DVD to all TLM parishes?" asks Uncle Arthur. "That's what we did in Leeds."

But then you have an idea! About five years ago, four cardinals sent you a list of five "Dubia" with the idea of clarifying your previous apostolic exhortation "Amorous Letitia", all about the life and times of a woman of easy virtue who sorted out her problems by "discernment" and "accompaniment". Of course you never got round to answering them, because the St Wormwood Mafia who appointed you said it was better not to.

But you get the idea? Let's make up some Dubia and answers, which do not actually clarify "Trads Cussed" but turn the screw a few more notches. Uncle Arthur, although a jolly chap especially when he's full of cake, doesn't quite understand the idea, and his first few suggestions were:

Dubium: Are we pleased that Cardinal Burke is well again? NEGATIVE.
Dubium: Should Uncle Arthur be made a cardinal? AFFIRMATIVE.
Dubium: More tea, Fred? NEGATIVE.

Amazingly, there really is a Dubia Roach. See Wikipedia.

Actually, life is a bit embarrassing for you at the moment, as you accidentally praised the New Ways Ministry, which has already been condemned by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. You are expecting Ladaria's Spanish Inquisition to drop in any minute.

"Oh, hello. My main weapon is fear. Fear and surprise. Two main weapons."

Also, people started laughing at you when you came up with the slogan "No more Mr Nice Guy!". Still, when it's translated into Latin it will replace your papal motto "Miserando atque eligendo" ("lowly but chosen") as a more accurate description of your rule.

So you knuckle down and make up some more Dubia. Things like "Should Catholics be excommunicated if they tell others that a TLM is going on? YES - KILL KILL KILL - I'm sorry, I mean - AFFIRMATIVE." Or "Are priests allowed to use the same missal twice in one day? NO - SERVE THE BLIGHTERS RIGHT - I mean - NEGATIVE." It doesn't matter how silly the questions are (none that a real Catholic would ask, although maybe your ultramontanist friends at the "Where Pacha Is" blog would be crazy enough), the answers should sting. Never mind that last time "Trads Cussed" was criticised by Kim Jong-un for going too far - it's time to go further!

And if anyone mentions Dubia, you don't need to change the subject any longer.

The Roman Church breaks away

A guest post from the German bishops, with additional material from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, Cardinal Cupich, etc.

We are deeply sorry that a small Roman sect has decided to split off from the universal German Catholic Church by refusing to bless same-sex relationships, to ordain women, or to support abortion. From now on we can only regard Pope Francis, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and those backing them as schismatics, Protestants, and general Schweinehunden. In the words of St John of Lennon's Hymn "Imagine", which we sang when we blessed some happy couples this week:

Imagine there's no Heaven:
It's easy if you try.
Hell sounds much nicer:
We're off there when we die.

Fr Joe of the German Catholic Church says "I now pronounce you Thing and Thing."

In the middle ages, the Spanish Inquisition was a byword for brutality, but you ain't seen nothing yet, Francis! The German Inquisition will be much more savage. Already our top agent, Cardinal Kasper, is in Rome and preparing to act. Admittedly he is 96 and talks to trees, but that doesn't stop him striking terror into the hearts of Roman schismatics!

Time for some more "Imagine":

Imagine sin's abolished,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to repent of
And no redemption too.

You Roman Catholics may be proud of your Marty Haugens, Dan Schuttes, and Graham Kendricks, but we have John Lennon on our side, so be very afraid!

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can.
Of course we need our Church Tax
So keep on paying, man!

A worried Pope Francis gets advice on Peronist dictatorship from the President of Argentina (or vice versa).

Nobody expects the Congregation for Divine Worship!

The scene: the bishop's palace in Knoxville, Tennessee. Bishop Richard Stika is admiring himself in the mirror.

The door bursts open, and Cardinal Robert Sarah, Archbishop Arthur Roche, and Fr Corrado Maggioni enter.

Sarah: NOBODY EXPECTS THE CONGREGATION FOR DIVINE WORSHIP AND THE DISCIPLINE OF THE SACRAMENTS! Our main weapon is Silence.

Roche: And Cinnabons.

Sarah: All right, Silence and Cinnabons. Two main weapons. Corrado, read out the charges.

The Guinea Inquisition.

Maggioni: Bishop Richard Stika, alias Sticky Ricky, you are charged with defying the CDW by insisting that people receive Communion in the hand, and stating that you will ban anyone who insists on receiving on the tongue.

Roche: Even though we have already stated that everyone has the right to receive on the tongue. Bites into a cinnabon.

Maggioni: You also published the following ludicrous instructions:

Before leaving your pew you will put on full protective gear, such as a suit of armour, a diver's suit, or a cyberman costume. You will walk at exactly 3.10686 m.p.h., maintaining a distance of 6 feet 7.402 inches, no more, no less, from your neighbour. Once at the distribution point, you will remove all your clothes, and shower for twenty minutes in an alcohol-based shower.

Maintain social distancing!

Standing on the floor at the point marked X (or kneeling if you really insist), you will extend your arms and hands toward the priest or deacon, with the palm of your non-writing hand facing up and completely flat, supported by your writing hand. Those who are ambidextrous should use their feet.

After receiving, you will jump into the bath of boiling custard provided, and then, screaming in agony, put on your protective clothes and return to your seat.

How do you plead?

The door bursts open, and Cardinal Luis Ladaria Ferrer, Archbishop Giacomo Morandi, and Archbishop Charles Scicluna of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith burst in.

Ladaria: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Ladaria is on the case!

Roche: Hey, we were here first!

Ladaria: But we want to nail him for heresy. "Mass is not the worship of Jesus. We adore Jesus, but we worship the Father," for example.

Stika: You've all got it in for me. I blame Church Militant. They've been telling everyone what I said. Sobs.

Joe Biden gets top Vatican job

Joe Biden, the CATHOLIC contender for the Presidency of the United States, has been honoured by Pope Francis for the clarity of his theological thought by an appointment to the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.

Biden (a CATHOLIC) recently produced a statement of Catholic doctrine - his SUMMA MY THEOLOGY - that makes all other recent attempts look silly. His immortal words were:

We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created by the you know, you know the Thing.

Francis and Biden celebrate the appointment.

Describing God as the Thing, although it would normally be considered blasphemous, is a vast improvement on other fashionable attempts to describe Him - such as the Mother Earth Goddess, Pachamama, God the Mother, or Obama. It will in due course lead to a rewrite of the Nicene Creed, as about the only piece of Catholic teaching that has not yet been mutilated by the Holy Father.

Although, like Sanders, Warren, Bloomberg, etc. Cardinal Biden is a ghoul who sees no problem with the killing of babies, and thinks marriage can be between a man and another man (or one woman and seven dwarves for that matter), he is of course a CATHOLIC IN GOOD STANDING, and that's all that matters.

"Where's Ivereigh?" Mrs S. White and six of her husbands pose for a photo.

There seems to be no obstacle preventing Cardinal Biden from becoming President of the United States as well as a member of the CDF - he is guaranteed the CATHOLIC vote by virtue of his piety and saintliness - and he tells us he is looking forward to jumping out of cupboards saying "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH THING!"

We did not dare point out that his boss Luis Francisco Ladaria Ferrer SJ is notoriously bad at this, and, being a Jesuit, would not know a heretical thought if you brought it to him on a plate adorned with a sprig of water-cress.

"You weren't expecting me, were you?"

Still, we shall watch the career of this good CATHOLIC with great interest.

I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition

The scene - the Pope's office in the Vatican. Pope Francis is sitting reading the names in his little black book and licking his lips. Spadaro is sitting in a corner of the room, eating peanuts, scratching himself and cackling over the new Stephen Walford humour column in the Vatican Insider.

F: It's going well. Burke is now an unperson, Pell has been framed, we're sacking Müller today. Next on the list is Sarah - I wonder what we can do about him?

"Poison his beer, O Infallible Master."

There is a knock on the door, and Spadaro goes to welcome Cardinal Müller to his morning audience. Müller enters, kisses the Pope's ring, aims a kick at Spadaro, etc.

F: Welcome, my son. What is ailing you?

M: Holy Father, I think we must finally do something about Fr James Martin. The man's heresies are so absurd that even the Lutherans say "I wouldn't go that far!" Also, he is bringing the Church into disrepute by celebrating "gay" Masses dressed in a rainbow loincloth.

The Pride of the Vatican.

F: I have news for you my son. Guess who runs the Inquisition?

M: The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith? I do, surely?

F: No, you're fired. I'm appointing your Deputy, Luis Ladaria. So from now on, we've got a Spanish Inquisition.

M: I wasn't expecting a Spanish Inquisition!

Archbishop Ladaria bursts in, with two other cardinals, and they recite lines from the well-known Monty Python sketch.

Nobody expects...

L: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our two main weapons are fear and surprise. Surprise and fear. And discernment. Three main weapons.

F: All right, all right, you can finish this later. Don't forget the bit about "An almost fanatical dedication to the new Magisterium of Amoris Laetitia".

L: I have to go, Holy Father: we are planning a midnight raid on a bunch of Catholic priest-bloggers who insist on pre-2013 teaching. Finigan, Blake, Zuhlsdorf, ... all the usual suspects. (Exit.)

F (mutters): "Discernment" is good. Little Austen Ivereigh says that only Jesuits can do discernment. The fact is, it just means "make it up as you go along". Mind you, only Jesuits know that.

Oh, by the way, Müller, you've lost your other jobs too - Pontifical Biblical Commission, Ecclesia Dei, International Theological Commission. Now get out!

M: I'll send you some Dubia, Holy Father! (Exit.)

At least it wasn't Schönborn. Balloons all round!

Amoris Laetitia - what you missed

9451. Traditionally, the ideal family consists of a man, a woman, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat, and a hamster. In that case, we should take a moment to consider the suffering endured by the odd 0.4 of a child - why is he taunted by cries of "He's not all there, you know!"?

There are many ways that a married couple can show their love for each other. For example, a morning kiss may be appropriate. For those who find this too difficult, they may wish to share in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster.

Fr J. Hackett S.J. explains that loving relationships can be very varied.

Of course other models of family life are possible. In the parable of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Our Lord tells the tale of what some might call a "dysfunctional" family, with one woman and seven small men. It is important that Catholics treat such non-standard families with love and mercy^TM, and do not, for example, send them poisoned apples.

9452. Now is a good time for me to insert a dig at Father Thomas Rosica, who has been a complete pain in recent months.

Only joking, Tom!

9453. The good news for all of us is that, as the Gospel explains, everyone shall be saved. Good and Evil are a matter of personal choice, or "conscience"; that is why it would be inappropriate for this Apostolic Exhortation to mention sin, damnation, Hell, gnashing of teeth, or anything else that is not warm, cuddly and merciful^TM.

This is what Catholicism is really about.

9454. Now I know that many of you want answers to the following questions:

1. Is the Pope still a Catholic?
2. Should divorced and remarried couples be allowed to take communion?
3. Do we still burn heretics?

Confession should no longer involve torture.

Well, I am unwilling to give clear answers to these questions, so I suggest you read this document slowly and carefully - which is ironic as it was dashed off in a coffee break, and not properly checked - and maybe you will find some answers. I certainly couldn't.

9455. There will be another Synod next year, where we wheel out all the usual suspects to tell us what my Amoris Laetitia actually means. See you there!

Catholic thanksgiving prayers for the Reformation

Following the issue of joint Catholic-Lutheran prayers of thanksgiving for the Reformation, we are pleased to publish further prayers along these lines, including some that are better adapted to use by the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

O Lord our Governor,
But not Supreme Governor, as that's the Queen,
We thank You for the life of King Henry VIII;
For his inspiring model as a loving King and Husband,
Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived:
May we all aspire to such an achievement.

All Catholics venerate this man.

We give thanks for the martrydom of St Thomas More,
Who probably enjoyed the experience.
And the same goes for St John Fisher.
Also for the dissolution of the monasteries,
Which encouraged the monks to die off, or to get proper jobs.
An act that gave us so many charming National Trust properties 
   to visit,
When we have nothing to do on Sundays.

Cardinal Koch with a new disposable edition of the Bible.

In a spirit of ecumenism, we also give thanks for the mass slaughter,
Given to us by thy servants,
Edward VI, Mary I and Elizabeth I,
For the wonder that was the Tudors, if You'll excuse the pun.
Although in those days they didn't realise than burning people
Might lead to climate change.
Still, they knew that they were doing Your will
By killing off all the people who actually believed in something.
A policy not needed these days, at least not in Europe!

Martin Luther - founder of modern Catholicism.

We also give thanks for the wisdom of Martin Luther.
He had many good qualities, not least a really cool hat.
Also when he called the Pope a "pompous toad with smelly feet",
He was merely leading the way to modern theological debate.
You should hear what they say about Pope Francis,
Although, being God, You may already know.
Well, there You are then!

Thank God for the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith!

Finally we give thanks for the effects of the Reformation 
   throughout Europe.
Many were driven into exile or were blessed with martyrdom;
Which can't be bad, can it?
And, as the Anglican Communion falls apart before our eyes,
We pray for new schisms. 
BLOOD! CUT! KILL! SLAUGHTER!
Although please spare comedians such as Giles Fraser.
Amen.

Two Catholic priests discuss the new prayers.

Ancient comedy team reunited

All eyes were on the O2 arena last night, where a group of 1960s comedians (described by Mick Jagger as "a bunch of wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth and make a load of money") were reunited in a performance of "Monty Python and the Holy Smoke", also known as "The Spirit of Vatican II".

Cardinal Kasper and friends in "Nobody expected the CDF".

The names on stage were legendary: people who we thought we'd never see again - such as Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, Basil Loftus, and Lorenzo Baldisseri - and they performed all those comic sketches we remember from the 1960s.

Basil Loftus - later starred in "Fawlty Dogmas".

As expected, we had a revival of the famous "Dead Parish" sketch, in which the customer complains that nobody attends his church any more, and the shopkeeper tries to persuade him that guitars and clown masses are the answer.

The Ministry of Silly Walks - liturgical dancing from Liverpool.

A touch of glamour was provided by Prof. Tina Beattie, who starred in "The Killer Joke", the tale of a woman who writes such a funny book (God's Mother, Eve's Advocate) that everyone who reads it dies laughing.

We also enjoyed the "Argument" sketch, in which an innocent pope goes into the Tablet offices, and finds himself engaged in a meaningless dialogue, in which everything he says is contradicted.

It's Da Bishop! And he's caught one of his deacons blogging!

Finally, the audience joined in with enthusiasm when Paul Inwood appeared on stage to lead them in a chorus of his notorious hymn "I'm a lumbering hack and I'm OK, ch-ch", backed by the ACTA choir.

Paul Inwood.

Of course, it is now illegal for anyone to put on a public performance without including at least one of Stephen Fry, Brian Cox and Stephen Hawking, and this show was no exception. But curiously their pompous atheism fitted in very well with the rest of the proceedings.