Russell Brand becomes a Catholic

The comedian, actor, radio host, author, and activist Russell Brand has announced to his adoring fans that he has become a Catholic. Apparently, after flirting with revolutionary socialism for a month ("which is longer than most of my affairs last") he has decided to become a revolutionary Christian instead.

Pope Russell I (as he will be known).

Brand admits that he is new to this "religion business" but expects to rise quickly through the ranks, and to become Pope shortly before giving up the whole thing out of boredom. When we asked him if he had received the "call" from God, he replied, "Yes, and He left a very rude message on my Ansaphone! Such people should be locked up!"

Apparently, Brand has a new book to sell (the Gospie Wospie according to St Russell), which contains many valuable new insights into the life of Jesus, who is revealed to have been a comedian, actor, radio host, author, and activist, secretly married to St Katheryn of Perry. "I'm really writing about the only thing that interests me," admits Russell, "Myself!"

According to Wikipedia, Brand describes himself as "a person who’s trying to live a decent, spiritual life". If that is really the case, he may not get very far in the Catholic hierarchy within the month or so that he has given himself to take over the Church. But who are we to judge?

Lookalikes: the Million Mask flag, and the ISIS flag.

Probe makes historic landing on Cormac

From our astonomical correspondent.

As reported elsewhere, a robot probe has made an historic landing on the heavenly (?) body Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.

The probe comes in to land on Cormac.

First reports indicate that although considered "eminent", the Cormac is a featureless wasteland unlikely to support much in the way of intelligent life. Sophisticated tests are being conducted for evidence of orthodoxy and spirituality, but scientists are pessimistic about the outcome.

The Cormac has long been a significant object in the constellation Circulus Magicus, and is of such a great age that many observers had expected it to fade away by this time. Nevertheless, it still exerts a mysterious force on other celestial objects, such as Cardinalis Amnesiae or the "Nichols Star"; however, its rogue satellite Kieranus Arundelis et Brighthelmstonis has now broken away, and is alleged to have been seen in the vicinity of Uxor Alii.

Watching Cormac from the Westminster observatory.

The Cormac has occasionally been sighted in Urbs Roma, where it exerts a mysterious gravitational attraction way beyond what is predicted by the normal laws of physics. This influence is considered undesirable, and may even be a cause of some recent chaotic behaviour observed in the great star Pontifex.

Cardinal Burke becomes a cult figure

Following the unexplained demotion of Cardinal Raymond Burke from the post of Cardinal Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura to Patron of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta, a wave of sympathy, love and affection has swept the Catholic world, so much so that Burke is rapidly becoming a cult figure, and significantly more popular than Pope Francis.

The hero of the hour.

Throughout the civilised world petitions are being signed saying "Thank you, Cardinal Burke", or "We love Cardinal Burke", or "Burke, the People's Cardinal", or even "Burke for Pope". Gammarelli's sales of the Burke-style Cappa Magna have gone through the roof - causing a world shortage of silk - as bishops round the world decide to dress up like their hero. On the other hand, Pope Francis is definitely feeling unloved at present, as cruel people send him details of retirement homes and "How to claim your papal pension" booklets. It's fair to say that no clergy are dressing up like the Pope (except indeed Cardinal Burke, as he tries on a set of white robes, "just in case the call should come").

Dressing like the Pope is not always easy.

Although the Protect the Pope blog was closed down by a bishop who felt unable to support its aims, we are told that a new Protect Cardinal Burke blog is to be established, which will counter unwarranted attacks on the cardinal from liberal Catholics, Kasperites, and jealous popes.

Cardinal Dolan, a well-known heavyweight, supports Cardinal Burke.

Cardinal Burke himself is a modest man, and does not appreciate being made into a cult figure. However, whenever he appears in public, teenage girls whistle and scream with delight - which is not entirely appropriate for a Requiem Mass. His is clearly a hard act to follow, and it is unlikely that the new man, Archbishop Dominique Mamberti, will attract the same adoration.

Raymond Burke's new job involves getting the Knights of Malta to cheer up a little.

Late News: Cardinal Burke has decided to challenge the Pope's decision to dismiss him. To do this, he need only appeal to the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura. Since he remains president until the decision is confirmed, he can never be sacked. Q.E.D.

Civil war in the Catholic Church

Adapted from a Spectator article by Damian Thompson.

Make no mistake, the Catholic Church is facing its biggest crisis since 1517, and Pope Francis is now embroiled in a "no holds barred" civil war. All the enemies that he has made in the last eighteen months - an alliance of self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagians, airport bishops, existential tourists, church climbers, rosary counters, and promoters of the poison of immanence - are ganging up against the Holy Father.

The cardinals square up to one another.

The two sides in the English civil war, have been somewhat inaccurately described described as "wrong but romantic" (Cavaliers) and "right but repulsive" (Roundheads). In fact, given Cardinal Kasper's views on Africans, we can identify some cardinals who qualify as "wrong and repulsive".

"This will annoy the Pope!" Burke aims to be right and romantic.

Perhaps the American civil war is a better model for the present conflict. However, "Abraham Lincoln" sounds more like the title an Anglican bishop of Lincoln would adopt, so I am not sure where that leaves us (the present incumbent is no doubt very embarrassed when he has to sign hotel registers as Christopher Lincoln and Mrs Lowson).

Probably not a bishop.

Let's go back to the English model of a civil war. So far, we have seen a few skirmishes on English soil. Norwich has fallen into the hands of Colonel Hopes's forces, and has had a pontifical Latin Mass celebrated from the throne for the first time since A.D. 597 or thereabouts. Pope Francis is said to be livid. Colonel Egan in Portsmouth has thrown the notorious Paul Inwood to his dogs, while Colonel Davies is making Shrewsbury into an impenetrable stronghold.

But things have also been going well for the forces of modernism and liberal Catholicism. It is true that Colonel Conry was humiliated in Arundel and Brighton, but General Nichols has a firm grip on Westminster, and has even despatched his sidekick, Colonel Stock, to occupy the northern fortress of Leeds.

Squeezed between Nickles and Pichols.

Back in Rome, the Pope is under attack. For one thing, he's a Jesuit, which is often seen these days as something like a cross between a con-man and a politician. His "Who am I to judge?" line is probably the most-quoted line by any recent Pope, even if the obvious reply, "You're the Pope, aren't you?" is less commonly repeated. Expert pope-watchers tell me that he is also a liberation theologian and a football fan.

And now another voice is being heard. The Doctor's arch-nemesis, Pope Benedict, whom nobody expected to see again, has survived the Time-War between the Time-Lords and the Daleks, and has been reincarnated as a women called "Missy". He (or she) is planning to turn Basil Loftus into a Cyberman, which could be a distinct improvement. I'm sorry, I seem to have turned over two pages of my notes at once.

Pope Benedict is back!

Better wrap this article up now, I'm nearly at the Spectator's word limit. Moderate conservative Catholics such as my friend Cristina Odone (stop laughing at the back, there!) say that they are simply confused by Pope Francis. Is he St Peter, is he Henry VIII, or is he Barack Obama? Or is he just a very naughty boy?

Will this do? I'm a bit out of practice. Next week's piece on Rachmaninov will be better, I promise. DT.

My daughter is a Satanist: should I be worried?

Our agony aunt, Ella Rislim, answers your ethical questions for Crux.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter is obsessed with the occult, like many healthy nine-year-olds. Recently, she has been conducting seances in her bedroom, inviting Madame E. Curti, a local medium, to summon up the spirits of dead people. Last week, for example, she conjured up her Uncle Albert, Charlie Chaplin, and Mgr Basil Loftus (the last was rather a surprise until we realised that his soul had long since parted company from his body).

A perfectly normal interest for a young child.

So far there have been no ill effects apart from the fact that her bedroom smells strongly of ectoplasm and the cat has disappeared. Oh - and there was the unfortunate incident when her best friend encountered the demon Melbrinionon-sadsazzer-steldregandish-feltselior and was carried off down to Hell. We are faithful Catholics, regular readers of Crux, and great fans of Pope Francis. Do you see a problem with this?

Auntie Ella writes: It is good for children to have a hobby. Admittedly the Catholic Church warns against occultism, conjuring up spirits, cosying up to demons, and playing around with the supernatural. But after all, Tolkien was a Catholic, and nobody ever told him off for writing those books of his!

Tolkien - wrote about wraiths and spirits.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My teenage son Victor has started to take an interest in grave-robbing, and has formed a fine collection of body parts. He tells me that he is just one spleen and three bones short of making a complete monster, which he proposes to animate the next day we have a thunderstorm. As a pious Catholic who attends Mass every Christmas, should I feel concerned?

Auntie Ella writes: This is perfectly normal activity for a Catholic teenager. However, I should check that the wiring in your house is safe, as we don't want him to start a fire, do we?

The monster offers to help in the garden.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter Catherine sleeps in a coffin during the day time, and goes out only at night "for a drink", as she puts it. Also she keeps dozens of bats in her bedroom. I am worried that this pattern of behaviour is causing her to neglect her studies, and she may fail to get into Oxford University. As a faithful Catholic, what should I do?

Auntie Ella writes: Do not worry. If she can't make it into Oxford, she might try Roehampton.

An anxious moment waiting for A level results.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter has been reading Crux and taking advice from its agony aunt. Is this wise?

Auntie Ella writes: Er, well....

How to be a popular Pope

In the spring of last year I received an urgent telephone call from Rome: "Eccles, I have just been elected Pope. I've done the 'Oh my goodness I never expected this' routine and the 'I'd like to thank my parents, my teachers, my auntie Carmen, my pet donkey Diego, and all the cardinals who voted for me' speech, and even the 'I love you all' bit. So what can I do now to become the most popular pope in history?"

It would be wrong of me to say who consulted me.

My client comes from South America, where the forms of worship are rather different from those in Europe and North America, for example. There it is considered de rigueur to give the Mass the air of a wild party - so Pinocchio puppets, tango dancing, dodgy footballers, angels on roller skates, etc. are all considered a necessary part of the liturgy, in a way that is rarely seen, for example, at the Brompton Oratory. Despite being Latin American, my anonymous friend is not a fan of Latin, and he would be quite happy to make Italian the universal language of the Catholic Church.

"Well, George," I told him (I call him George because I have known him since he was a humble cardinal). "The main problem popes have is that they are Catholic. As a result they get bad publicity in the liberal press. SEXIST SKY-FAIRY BELIEVER IN SILLY DRESS REFUSES TO ALLOW GAY PRIDE MARCH IN VATICAN - as the Tablet put it. You must become a liberal yourself."

"Did the Tablet really say that?" asked George.

"Yes, it was in Prof. Eamon Duffy's learned commentary on the Acts of the Apostles. Harsh words about St Peter, there."

Chilling out with Eamon Duffy (R).

"Now, what people don't like about popes is that they think they have a fairly comfortable lifestyle," I continued. "What can you do to counter that?"

"Comfortable?" asked George in amazement. "I have to go to two-hour masses in the middle of the night, I have to meet all sort of crazy people from lands where the Catholic Church is in disarray - have you met my stalker - he's a chap called Cormac - by the way? - and then I have to travel around the world and kiss airport runways when I land. Ugh."

"Still, you could dress more humbly than Benedict did. No papal fanon or red shoes - give them to the poor. Get down with the 'yoof' by wearing a papal baseball cap, tee-shirt, jeans and trainers. It works for the Anglicans."

Getting down with the yoof.

"Now, how about rewriting Christian teaching?" I suggested.

"I can't do that - I'm the pope!" said George. "It may be all right for German cardinals - they're basically Protestant anyway - but if I start taking a soft line on divorce, abortion, or homosexual acts, then I'll be eaten alive! Mundabor and Rorate Caeli will call me an anti-pope. Father Z will be perplexed. Father Hunwicke will say something learned and incomprehensible, but all his readers will know he's calling me a heretic. Even Damian Thompson will start criticising my hairstyle."

"Tricky, isn't it?" I agreed. "How about making a few off-the-record throwaway remarks that are obviously foolish, but which can be taken up as liberal soundbites? Ask 'Who am I to judge?' when some ghastly sin is mentioned. Have a go at self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagianism - nobody knows what it is, but it sounds as if you are getting tough on traddies. For that matter, why not persecute some very devout but rather traditional order of friars? Tell them that unless they bring in clown masses toot sweet they will be closed down!"

Yo-ho-holy! A new look for the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

"I know - I could hold a synod!" said George delightedly. "I'll spin it that we are rewriting the New Testament so that the more embarrassing parts of Christ's teaching can be quietly dropped. Then if one of those awkward customers like Burke and Pell starts complaining, I can deny it all and blame it on 'loopy' Kasper. By the way, I'm going to have to do something about Burke: he keeps accosting me in the Vatican tea-rooms and sneering 'Are you really the Pope? Oh good grief!' Now I can sack him!"

"Good thinking, Holy Mate," I said (I call him Holy Mate because we used to go drinking together). "Don't worry about offending orthodox Catholics - they would have preferred Benedict anyway, and besides they'll go to Mass whoever the pope is. Dumb down, take the Christ out of Christianity, add an N, and what have you got?"

George contemplated my brilliant wordplay for a moment, before replying "Inanity. Yes, what the world is looking for is a Pope of Inanity!"

The Synod of Bridlington

As historians know, the twenty-first century was the beginning of the period known as the Dark Ages, a time of intellectual darkness and barbarity. The weather was harsh, and, thanks to a reliance on wind turbines and the energy generated by hamsters running around in little wheels, there were frequent periods when heat and light were no longer available.

The solution to an energy crisis.

Britain was subject to waves of invaders from overseas. Some came from Scandinavia in long ships, wearing horned helmets. Others came from Poland, armed with plungers, pipe cutters and wrenches; their only wish being to settle on these islands to unblock drains and mend leaking pipes. Still others came in from Muslim lands, showing a passionate hatred for sausages and women's rights.

Education was in decline. Whereas once all children knew Latin, Greek, advanced calculus, brain surgery, and the kings of Israel and Judah at the age of five, the majority of school-leavers in the twenty-first century were unable to read and write anything except text messages; they used numbers only for operating their mobile phones.

No longer a suitable gift for a five-year-old.

Religion was in a parlous state. Christianity was on the verge of dying out, or was being perverted into strange forms in the name of "modernization". It was illegal to refuse to bake a cake for a same-sex couple who wished to hold a "wedding", indeed it was even considered "extremist" to disagree with their redefinition of marriage. Catholic bishops had affairs with married women, the Anglicans allowed bishops to divorce and remarry, and the Baptists didn't even have bishops to show them how to behave.

Of the dreadful year of 2014, the monks wrote in the Anglo-Saxon chronicle, Ye power of ye Magick Circkle cometh not to an end, and a group of demons calling itself ACTA wieldeth influence in ye lande. In other news, ye Pope in Rome hath decreed that ye feast of Alle Saintes shall be on ye first day of November, yet ye rascally bishops, led, so they say, by ye mischievous Cardinal Nickels, have chosen to move it to the Sundaye. And now a quick look at ye weather: it is expected to be cold and dark for the next 200 years.

Ye synod starteth at Bridlington.

In the end, another synod was called, at the Yorkshire town of Bridlington, so that the Catholic Church in England and Wales might agree on the date of All Saints (they had originally planned to hold the meeting in Whitby, as on an earlier occasion, but all the hotels were booked up). The Scottish church did not participate: they were loyal to the pope, and celebrated All Saints on the 1st November; besides, they were more interested in what came after, namely the day of "A' Souls", named in honour of Alexander yclept Salmon.

The Lord smiteth Alexander yclept Salmon.

So Catholicism in England and Wales stood on the brink: would it show loyalty to Pope Francis the Humble, or to Cardinal Nichols the Cunning? Would a new St Hilda emerge to put to flight the forces of rebellion? Er, well, ...

Job

Welcome back, class, to the Eccles Bible project, in which we explain Holy Scripture to atheists and any others who require spiritual nourishment. And it's a big welcome to one or two scholars that we don't remember seeing before. We have Russell Brand (put that phoney-woney away, boy - no nuisance calls in class, please), and a contingent of cardinals fresh from the Extraordinary Synod in Rome, sent here by Cardinal Burke for a refresher course: so hello to Walter Kasper, Reinhard Marx ("Rhino" of the famous Marx Brothers), and of course our dear friend Vincent Nichols!

Cheer up, Job! It could be worse!

Well, the basic idea of the book of Job is that s*** happens. Job is rich and prosperous, and a truly religious person. Satan asks, "What would he be like if we took everything from him?" God says "Let's find out." So Job loses his oxen, asses, camels, sheep, servants, sons and daughters - this is called down-sizing - and gets afflicted with boils. At this stage, he is not really enjoying life. "Let the day perish wherein I was born," he says.

So what do you do if things go wrong? Well, it's good to have friends - in Job's case Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite* and Zophar the Naamathite - who can come along and console you by saying. "You know, Job, it's your own fault really. You must be a dreadful sinner."

"Who was the shortest person in the Bible? Bildad, as he was only shoe-height."

It's all YOUR fault, Job.

Anyway, Job keeps moaning, with catchy lines such as "Man born of a woman, living for a short time, is filled with many miseries," so you can see that he is not looking on the bright side at this point. His friends continue to tell him "Serve you right. You're a great sinner. ROFL," and thus they get the somewhat exasperated response "You are all troublesome comforters."

Job sticks to his faith, in particular the idea that in the end God will make all things right. He gradually gets round to giving a little homily about wisdom - for one with a very grievous ulcer, from the sole of the foot even to the top of his head, he is still remarkably chatty - and he says some very sound things such as "Behold the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom: and to depart from evil, is understanding."

I can see that I'm losing my audience here: some of you don't believe in God, and others are quite happy to compromise with evil, eh, cardinals? Still, Job doesn't quite see it your way.

And after more of the same, God comes back.

Do you think there's someone outside?

God is not going to explain what's been going on, nor defend Himself. He makes the (if I may say so) very valid point that He (God) is infinitely wise and powerful, and Job is a mere human. "Canst thou draw out the leviathan with a hook, or canst thou tie his tongue with a cord?" asks God, and Job is fairly sure that he cannot.

The book has a happy ending, as God ticks off the three comforters and restores to Job his wealth, more than previously: namely, fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she-asses. He also has seven sons, and three daughters. Phew!

Job and his (apparently, rather musical) family.

It's a good book to read if you're feeling depressed. Class dismissed.

Hallowe'en for Catholics

We asked some leading Catholics to comment on the question: should Catholics celebrate Hallowe'en, and if so, how?

This sort of "saved" pumpkin is seen in many houses at this time. (H/T @fortyhigh)

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal.

Unlike in the Vatican, the USA, France, Spain, ... indeed like most of the rest of the world, we have told the English and Welsh Catholics to celebrate All Saints on November 2nd this year - either that or use the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. This is because I am a keen football fan, and nothing is going to spoil my enjoyment of the Newcastle-Liverpool match tomorrow (unless Liverpool loses, which they probably will).

So my Hallowe'en activities will kick off on Saturday night. Some people have said that dressing up as devils and demons is inappropriate for Catholic bishops, but I feel we should value the demonic lifestyle, as it has a lot of good in it. However, I plan to do something different this year: I shall wear a Kieran Conry mask and scare all the ladies!

A recent ecumenical trick-or-treat from Vin and Rowan. Note the pathetic attempt to do "devil horns" behind Rowan's head!

Damian Thompson, journalist.

I have my reputation as a blood-crazed ferret to keep up (© Church Times, 1971), and this year I am planning to dress up as a zombie and terrorize some of my enemies, starting with Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Austen Ivereigh, who are custard-hating liberals of the worst kind. Then I might just drop in at Blackfen and shout "Muahahahahaha!!!" through the letter-box of Fr Steven Fisher.

Damian Thompson in full zombie-costume.

Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Tablet.

We at the Tablet are very supportive of alternative forms of Catholicism, and many of our most loyal staff are witches, ghouls, ghosts, mummies, vampires, creepy things with wings, or gaunt and grisly spectres. I personally am going to knock on doors dressed as Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost; my friend Tina Beattie hasn't had time to get a special costume, so she will be going as a witch. I was hoping to give out free copies of the Tablet to people in the street, but the police advise me that this would be a public nuisance, and so we plan to hand out squishy things dripping with tomato ketchup instead.

Woooooo.... it's Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost!

Pope Francis to be canonized

Following vigorous demands from the singer Elton John and the rest of the liberal establishment, is has been agreed that Pope Francis should be canonized with immediate effect.

Pope Francis tries his new halo for size.

Readers will have noticed that canonization times have been sharply cut in recent years, owing to an increased efficiency in approving applications. This is due to the use of computers, the Internet, etc. Whereas Queen Jadwiga of Poland (d. 1399) had to wait just under 600 years for a Polish pope to come along and canonize her, it is now felt that anyone who is not a complete waster should be canonized within 2 or 3 weeks of death. However, this is the first time that anyone has actually been canonized while still alive - even the apostles did not achieve this distinction.

Queen Jadwiga was distinctly fed up with waiting.

Pope Francis is known for his famous words about same-sex marriage, "It is ... a 'move' of the Father of Lies, who seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God." I'm sorry, I'll have another go at that. What he actually said "Who am I to fudge?"

We should remember Christ's words to the clapped-out musician who felt same-sex attraction. "Go ye and find a partner, perhaps one with a perpetual rictus grin, and then persuade some woman to lend ye her body, that ye may have children and pretend that they are the fruit of your marriage."

Next stop - get ye a woman to lend ye her body!

Apart from his enthusiasm for "gay rights", Pope Francis is well recognised to be considerably more saintly than all other popes in history: for example, he refuses to wear red shoes, he washes in cold water, he travels everywhere by bus, he lives humbly in a cupboard under the stairs, and he eats at the canteen. Case proven, m'lud.

The papal apartments.

It is expected that Francis will use the forthcoming All Saints Day as an opportunity to announce a new batch of saints. In doing so, he is likely to say something like the following: "We declare the following to be saints: Cardinal Newman, G.K. Chesterton, Pope Pius XII, Mother Teresa, Fr Ted Crilly, ... oh... and... er... ME!"

Another new saint.

Bible to be published as a magazine

St Luke Coppen explains.

St Luke Coppen (R) with St Timothy of Margate

Following the lead of the Catholic Herald, it has been decided that from now on the Bible will be published in magazine format, rather than as a newspaper. A problem was recognised on that historic day when Christ rose from the dead, and the news came too late for our publication deadline. It's true that our website carried the news, but the regular Bible readership complained that they had to wait 50 years before they were able to read a full report in St Matthew's Gospel.

St Mary Madeleine Teahan: her eye-witness account of the Resurrection was delayed.

So from now on we are moving to a "magazine" format. We shall still carry news items - for example, we were first to break the news of St Peter's escape from prison - but from now on readers will see more Epistles (if we recruit St Paul Priest to the writing team, we are confident that we shall have no shortage of those). We also encourage informed speculation on religious matters, and so we have sent our special correspondent St John Zuhlsdorf off to Patmos, from which we expect some interesting Revelations in due course.

St John Zuhlsdorf: destined for Patmos.

Other religious papers have changed their format in recent years. It is true that the Tablet, originally edited by Moses, rather lost its way when it stopped being printed on stone, and is said to be no longer interested in God's commandments. Still, its recent Should Christians worship a Golden Calf? poll was very popular, and is said to have influenced many Catholic bishops in England and Wales.

Moses: not satisfied with the direction the Tablet has taken.

Pope says 2+2=4

The Catholic Church finally entered the modern world today, when Pope Francis upset two thousand years' Catholic teaching by admitting that two plus two equalled four.

Pope Francis used to give the traditional Catholic answer "5".

Said Nick Silly of the Telegraph: "For years the Catholic church has rejected science, and its believers have been told to take on trust the belief that 2+2=5. Remember Galileo, who had his arms and legs cut off by Pope Paul IV-or-V, for saying 'But it is 4'. After that, of course, he could never be sure what the answer was, as he no longer had any fingers or toes to count on."

Galileo: suffered for his scientific beliefs.

Adam Witless of the Independent concurs: "This is the biggest scoop we have had since we revealed that Pope Benedict XVI believed that genes 'probably do exist'." This certainly upsets traditional Catholic doctrine, all the more so because this topic was never discussed at the recent synod. Indeed, Pope Francis's ex cathedra statement on the big question of 2+2 seems to have been made without even a 2/3 majority vote to support it."

Finally, Hannah Rubbish of the Daily Mail also carries the story of the Catholic Church's capitulation to scientific progress, together with in-depth interviews with Kim Kardashian, Lauren Pope, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and other women for whom counting up to four is an intellectual feat beyond their imagination.

One of those scientific women in the Daily Mail.

But what of the scientific elite? How will Richard Dawkins, Brian Cox, and Stephen Hawking react to Pope Francis's attempts to claim such major scientific discoveries for the Catholic Church? And why are Stephen Fry and Russell Brand choosing to remain silent? Are they ill? I think we should be told.

Four or five? At this stage of the evening I've lost count!

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church's 2015 Synod is expected to consider other deep scientific issues, such as "How many beans make five?" "Why does a red cow give white milk when it always eats green grass?" and "Is the Moon made of green cheese?" Cardinal Kasper is said to be already working on a set of controversial responses to these questions.

The basis of a new Catholic theory of beans.

1963 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman.

Pope Paul VI, a blessed pope.

A blessed pope.

After summoning the 2nd Vatican Conflict in order to decide whether the Church should be modern or not, Good Pope John found that he was enjoying it so much that he dropped dead (and 51 years later he went to Heaven). The cardigans got together and picked on Cardigan Montini, who changed his name to Pope Paul VI and carried on the Vatican Conflict, after removing all the wounded. In the end, the Conflict ended with lots of new decisions, which were instantly blamed on the Holy Spirit, viz.:

1. All Catholics must stop talking Latin and learn a new language called Vernacular.
2. All priests who faced east must turn round and face west. However, the common people were not allowed to face west.
3. All altars were moved from the end of the church into the middle, so that the priests could hide behind them.
4. Kneeling was forbidden in church, as it was not considered cool.
5. The common people were no longer to obey orders given to them by priests.
6. The Age of Aquarius had dawned and a new Spirit of Vatican II was abroad.
7. Sex and drugs and rock and roll were still sins, but not as bad as they used to be. Indeed there was to be a new prophet of rock and roll, called St Cliff Richard.

After the 2nd Vatican Conflict, all Catholics were naturally very happy, and so they stopped going to church (see Rule 5).

Catholics being very happy.

Another thing that happened in the reign of Pope Paul was that he wrote an encyclopaedia, called Humorus Vitae, or Isn't life funny? In it he explained that Catholics should not use contradiction to avoid having babies. Since many married couples spend most of the time contradicting each other, this was not very popular.

Pope Paul was so shocked by the reception of Humorus Vitae that for the next ten years he became very serious, and did nothing memorable at all. Finally, he was persuaded to die so that someone else could have a go.

Pope John-Paul I, a smiling pope.

Not really memorable.

After Blessed but rather Serious Pope Paul, the cardigans decided that they needed a smiling pope. After a smiling competition, they told Albino Luciani to take over, but only for a month, because he was not really memorable. The new pope chose the name John-Paul-George-Ringo, after a famous pope group called the Beatitudes, but this was soon shortened to John-Paul. Then one day Pope John-Paul decided to stop smiling, and died suddenly.

Pope John-Paul II, a saintly pope.

A shaved person.

When Pope John-Paul I died, the cardigans got together and decided to elect a young pope, so that he probably wouldn't die too quickly. Although the rules of the game said that popes had to be Italian, there weren't any young Italian cardigans left, so they chose a Polish pope, Karol Józef Wojtyła. He started off as a young pope, but then surprised people by becoming an old pope. The new pope was not expecting to be elected, because he wasn't Italian; indeed, he was so shocked that he could not think of a new pope-name, so he became Pope John-Paul II.

A cardigan greets the new pope.

Questions on the period 1963 to 1978. Candidates should sing their answers to a melody by Paul Inwood.

1. Explain why the 2nd Vatican Conflict encouraged the use of (a) clown masses, (b) puppet masses, and (c) dancing priests.
2. Write down all you know about (a) Annibale Bugsbunni; (b) the heresies of Basil Foltus; (c) Archbishop Marcel Leftover.
3. Compare and contrast (a) St Cliff Richard; (b) the Beatitudes; (c) The (cardigan) Whom.
4. Think of three memorable things that Pope John-Paul I could have done in order to live longer.
5. Translate into Vernacular: (a) Wojtyła; (b) Humorus Vitae; (c) Kumbaya.

To be continued.