The World Cup of Bad Catholic Writers - nominations requested

In 2019 we had the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists (loosely interpreted as including anyone who scribbled), so now it's time for another. Last time the winners were: GOLD, Martin; SILVER, Ivereigh; BRONZE Faggioli; 4TH PLACE, Spadaro.

The winners last time.

I've changed the title slightly, in the interests of Diversity - remember, as St Paul said: And now there remain equality, diversity and inclusion, these three: but the greatest of these is diversity.

To qualify for this prestigious competition, you need to be (a) alive, (b) Catholic (or claiming to be), and (c) a journalist, blogger, author, ... on Catholic subjects. The referee's decision (mine) is final.

So please let me have nominations. We'll give an automatic place to all those who reached Round 2 last time, as well as a few of my own favourites, and then see who else is nominated: to do this, either reply here or on Twitter. We'll close nominations when I think we're ready to start.

John Allen Jr
Tony Annett
Tina Beattie	 
Liz Bruenig	 
Dean Dettloff	
Massimo Faggioli
Víctor Manuel Fernández
Dawn Eden Goldstein	
Daniel Horan	
Austen Ivereigh	
Christopher Lamb
Mike Lewis
James Martin	
Robert Mickens	
Mike O'Loughlin
Catherine Pepinster	
Thomas Reese	
Thomas Rosica	
Mark Shea	
Antonio Spadaro	
Stephen Walford	
Michael Sean Winters	

Over to you!

Most promising newcomer?

We'll exclude Pope Francis to give everyone else a chance in respect for the office he holds.

Tucho embarks on a book-signing

Cardinal "Tucho" Fernàndez, Head of the Vatican Dicastery for Naughty Things, is now embarking on a tour of Rome's bookshops, signing copies of the reprinted version of his hard-porn best-seller "Mystical Passion", which, he explains, he wrote as a "clarification" of his previous soft-porn book, "Kiss me, Cheeky!"

For those wishing to obtain signed copies of the learned treatise, described by Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is as "A little intellectual for me, but otherwise fine", Tucho will be at "Dirty Books 'R' us" at 9 a.m., the "Porno Emporium" at 10, and the Vatican Library at 11.

One satisfied customer (until the Pope changes his mind).

Meanwhile, we have had no comments from Pope Teflon, so it seems that he is still entirely happy to see Tucho directing the doctrine of the Catholic Church. There are others equally qualified to take over Tucho's job, such as Pope Teflon's good friends Marko Rupnik and Gustavo Zanchetta, but it seems that they may miss out this time.

"The buck never reached me, so how can it stop here?"

Addendum: no comments yet from Lamb, Ivereigh, etc. as far as I know. But they probably need to read the book thoroughly - say half-a-dozen times - before commenting.

The twelve days of Christmas

I started this song 3 years ago, got up to verse 5, and then gave up. Now, being totally lacking in shame, I have decided to complete it.

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...a bishop in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...two turkeys' books, ...

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...three old hens, ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...four cardinals, ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...five Dubia, ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...six priests a-preying, ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...seven Synners Synning, ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eight clowns a-circling, ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...nine Roches raging, ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...ten Pachamamas, ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eleven guards a-guarding, ...

Finally, on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...twelve popes a-poping, ...

The 2023 Catholic Advent Calendar

Here it is then, your handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to this year's Advent Calendar.

Behind the windows we find:

1. Slightly early, we start this year's Catholic Advent Calendar in the only way possible - by being synodal.

2. It's a new boy on the block, Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández, whose job is to keep us on the straight and narrow. No sniggering at the back, please.

3. Behind today's window of the calendar we find a packet of Uncle Ted (McCarrick)'s rice. Delicious!

4. An old friend - the Mercy logo, designed by the merciful Pope's favourite artist, Marko Rupnik.

5. Who is that grumpy character hiding behind the next window of the calendar? Why it's Austen Ivereigh, official spin-doctor and synod "expert"!

6. Today's star of the calendar has chosen to offer Mass while dressed as Tarzan in leopard-skin vestments. This is what being Church is all about!

7. The Catholic Advent Calendar displays a Christmas stamp, based on some of the finest artwork available in the Vatican collection.

8. Blushing modestly, Sister Natalie Becquart emerges from behind today's window. Natalie is a synod mother, but in her spare time she is interested in religion.

9. All the holy people we have seen so far on the Catholic Advent Calendar need sacred spaces for their worship, and the Bristol airport multi-faith bus shelter is one of the most sacred.

10. Behind today's door there's Father Brown, a Catholic priest who wears a maniple round his neck. Watch out - your priest may be doing the same!

11. Michael Voris comes out of the Vortex to appear on our calendar. In disgrace with Church Militant, but he should easily find a job in an institution without a morality clause, such as the Vatican.

12. A very popular cardinal, Wilton Gregory, pops his head out of today's window. Uncle Wilt is very fond of traditional worship - some of it dating as far back as the 1960s.

13. We see "the grammar of synodality on display" (to quote the Vatican) - lots of people with nothing better to do sitting round tables and chatting.

14. Oh look, we see Uncle Arthur Roche, cake-eater and TLM blocker extraordinaire, modelling one of those trendy blue "I'm really a layman" shirts.

15. You may have been expecting the traditional photo of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, but instead it's his book "Come forth", all about how Lazarus was the disciple Jesus loved and a pioneer of homosexual rights. Top theology!

16. We open the next window to reveal Fr Guilherme, the DJ priest!

17. Now we see financial wizard Giovanni Becciu, who, we hear, is now moving to a new address!

18. We see the best of contemporary worship in today's picture, as a priest demonstrates the use of an inflatable altar.

19. Cardinal Marx enjoying an LGBT Mass. Big Rhino is expected to welcome the new Church teaching on blessings (whatever it is).

20. "BE SYNODAL" screams a synod expert. We must, since of course a kenotic de-centering is a new way of being Church!

21. Time to relax with some beautiful architecture as today we see the famous "multi-storey car park" church in Madrid, which I visited a few weeks ago.

22. It's Cardinal Cupich taking part in a pagan ceremony involving a dragon. We don't know whether FFS permits him to bless the creature, but he does anyway.

23. That fat man whom nobody believes in has dropped in from the North Pole to do some popesplaining. Yes, it's Mike Lewis of "Where Potato Is"!

24. We end as we began - synodally. This is now a listening Church and Pope Francis is always willing to listen to what the faithful have to say. (Offer does not apply to Africa, Poland, and a few other rigid places.)

And a merry and blessed Christmas to all readers!

Fr James Martin turned into pillar of salt

We regret that Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, the well-known activist and alleged Jesuit priest, suffered an incident today in which he was turned into a pillar of salt.

A photo taken just before the incident.

Father Martin was going about his normal clerical business, blessing a "gay couple" in accordance with his intepretation of the latest papal document "Fiducia supplicans" (we don't use Latin much these days, but it apparently means "Fiddled the accounts", and was written as an homage to Cardinal Becciu). Eye-witnesses of what happened after that are a little confused, but we do have a photo of the scene shortly afterwards.

Spot the difference!

At this point a witty pun, something like "That's your Lot, Jimmy," would be appropriate, but it would be in bad taste at a time when we are mourning one of the great men of our age. (Actually, Jimbo is said to be still alive, but his activities will henceforth be very limited by his saline nature.)

How to confuse the Catholic Church

Yes, another instalment of our long-running series on "How to be a good pope", designed for those readers who, by kenotic de-centering, respecting the protagonism of the Spirit, and finding a new way of being Church, have managed to make it to the top job in the new listening Church!

The story so far. After ten years, you sense that your days of Peronist dictatorship are coming to an end. All that remains is to nominate your successor - Touchy-Feely, Fat Arthur, or perhaps Pa-Oh Lin, the inscrutable Chinaman - and you can expire peacefully to cries of "Make him a saint!"

Santo Subito!

But all is not well. Obviously little Ivory, C.N.N. Lambchop and "Where Potato Is" Mike are too polite to mention it, but there is some unrest among the faithful. What can you have done that could possibly upset Catholics? Was it your naughty story Amorous Letitia? Could it be your devotion to Pachamama? Surely not your treatment of the Church in China? Or was it Trads Cussed (memo: get Arthur out of the cake shop and send him off to close down more TLMs)? Or is it your protection of dirty old Rapenik? Then again, surely nobody could object to your attempts to starve a certain American cardinal into submission?

It's all a big mystery, but you know your conscience is clear. So how can we confuse the Church today?

"I do wish he wouldn't stand so close."

In walks Cardinal Touchy-Feely, blows you a kiss (this time you have taken care to keep behind a solid table), and makes a suggestion. "Tell them that priests can bless burglars," he suggests, "but only if they leave their masks, striped pullovers and bags marked SWAG at the door of the church. The burglars, I mean, not the priests."

"They already can," you reply, puzzled. "What difference will it make?"

"I've come for a blessing, Father. Because I've got another job planned."

"Can't you the the headlines in America Rag, the National Catholic Fishwrap and the even more secular press? "POPE FRED SAYS THAT BURGLARY IS OK", "NEW CATHOLIC TEACHING ON THEFT", "TEN COMMANDMENTS? THROW THEM OUT!" "WHO IS THIS SAINT PAUL ANYWAY?" "GERMAN BISHOPS VOTE TO ORDAIN BURGLARS", "FATHER MARTIN JAMES SJ SAYS 'COME INTO THE CLOSET AND HELP YOURSELVES!'"

Of course! Nobody is going to talk about anything else from now on. As you draft your new letter "Fiddling the Supplies" (an homage to Cardinal Becciu), you reflect that Touchy-Feely will make a great Pope Fred II.

Burkegate - What Pope Francis really said

A special article by Austen "Spindoctor" Ivereigh for the Where Pachamama is blog.

The Pope is an astonishly patient man, and will sink his enemies even if it takes him ten years to do it. Seeing all the bad publicity he was getting for his merciful and patient attacks on Cardinal Burke, he summoned me to Rome as a matter of urgency so that I could explain to the world what he was up to. Did I mention that I am an expert on papal matters?

I flew to Rome from Bristol airport, stopping on the way at the Multifaith Bus Shelter for a spot of Pachamama devotion, also in order to pin up a mural by my favourite artist Marko Rupnik. The place was deserted apart from an Incan sacrifice taking place at the same time.

A sacred place!

Patient merciful Pope Francis the Humble was not in good health - a sprained wrist through slapping too many Chinese girls - but he explained to me that he loved Cardinal Burke - after all, we are commanded to love our enemies, and Burke was one of his worst enemies. With their Dubia, Burke and his fellow-conspirators had asked Pope Francis to explain some aspects of Amoris Laetitia several years ago, knowing perfectly well that clear and unambiguous teaching is against the rules of the Jesuit order.

Burke had also dared to criticise the Synod on Synodal Synodality of Synodhood, arguably the most important Catholic event since Pentecost, saying that it was a complete waste of time. Having myself attended as an expert, I know that getting barmy old ladies sitting round tables and moaning is the true future of the Church!

We must all be Synod!

At this point in our discussion, Francis found his patience tried beyond all limits, and he humbly kicked Rupnik, the Vatican cat, through the window. "Don't worry," he said. "Pick up the body and give it to Mike Lewis. He'll eat anything."

Instead of living in a broom cupboard, as the humble Holy Father does, Cardinal Burke has a much larger apartment, and this is now required by other cardinals who wish to hold "get-togethers" there. I know that Cardinal Coccopalmerio has already put in a bid.

Who is this shadowy figure?

Of course Burke is still a member of two dicasteries, and of the Apostolic Signatura, but as Pope Francis explained, he should regard these positions as honours, and not expect to be paid.

So what message am I to take away from my meeting with the Humble Father? First, although in our conversation he described Burke as his enemy, he has now sent me a note saying "I never used the word 'enemy' nor the pronoun 'my'." Obviously we all misheard - it's easily done. Also he certainly never said "We hates him we hates him, nasty Burkies, we hates him, my precious, and we is going to throw him out on the streets!"

I hope I have made it clear, and let me repeat this: Pope Francis is patient, kind and merciful, and Cardinal Burke is a meanie. Strickland has fallen! Burke has fallen! Who will be next? Aha!

Great stuff, Austen. And the cat pie was delicious! Mike.

Mike Lewis!

The worst synod jargon - the last stages

I hope you will agree with me that:

In this time of profound encounter and dialogue we offer the invitation to journey together, creating spaces for everyone so that we may live unity-in-diversity.

While:

Catholics must experience the synod, must do synod; conversation in the Spirit is a new way of being Church, so enlarge the space of your tent.

Whereas:

The synod mothers ask for a kenotic de-centering since listening and dialogue inspire decision-making processes in an authentically synodal manner.

Therefore:

The lived experience that has been shared through a listening Church respects the protagonism of the Spirit in God’s surprises.

Well, those are the last sixteen entries for the World Cup of Synod Jargon, tastefully arranged into four groups. We shall give the final results here (quarter-finals through to final) when we have them.

QUARTER-FINALS

a new way of being Church 71.9 -v- synod mothers 28.1

live unity-in-diversity 37.8 -v- a kenotic de-centering 62.2

respects the protagonism of the Spirit 56.3 -v- this time of profound encounter and dialogue 43.7

enlarge the space of your tent 49.3 -v- a listening Church 50.7

---

SEMI-FINALS

a new way of being Church 74.9 -v- respects the protagonism of the Spirit 25.1

a kenotic de-centering 59.3 -v- a listening Church 40.7

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

respects the protagonism of the Spirit 49 -v- a listening Church 51

BRONZE medal for "a listening Church"

---

FINAL

a new way of being Church 51.1 -v- a kenotic de-centering 48.9

GOLD medal for "a new way of being Church" and SILVER for "a kenotic de-centering".

The World Cup of Synod Jargon

The only way to understand the purpose of this Synod on Synodality is to see how people have described it. Accordingly we shall hold a World Cup of Synod Jargon, starting on Monday 30th October (using Twitter/X polls once more).

Synodal experts!

So far the runners and riders are as follows. I will accept more authentic nominations if they are genuine quotations from synodists, and I am adding new ones to the list as they are received.

a concrete, theologically astute application
a constitutive dimension
a harmony of unity and plurality
a kenotic de-centering
a listening Church
a missionary synodal Church
a new way of being Church
a place of acceptance and discernment
a synod doesn't decide — it discerns
an invitation to step towards God's table
authentic listening
beyond fragmentation and polarization
Catholics must experience the synod, must do synod
conversation in the Spirit
creating spaces for everyone
decision-making processes in an authentically synodal manner
encounters in faith
enlarge the space of your tent
experts in the synod hall
God's surprises
healthy restlessness of incompleteness
help open the doors of the church
humanity tempted by the post-human
involving and energizing the entire community
listening and dialogue
live unity-in-diversity
manage tensions
moving outwards towards everyone in order to go together

WHO LET RUPNIK IN?

not Babel — Pentecost
not concerned with emotions so much as motions
nourished unceasingly
our identity and vocation 
our pilgrim journey 
outpouring of the Holy Spirit
participation, governance, and authority
put the synod's fruits into action
significance of the round tables
synod mothers
that respects the protagonism of the Spirit
the art of new narratives
the courage to encounter reality
the horizon of communion
the invitation to journey together
the lived experience that has been shared
the most exciting moment in the Catholic Church since Vatican II
the synod process is organic and ecological 
the synodal Church as an integral experience
the truest, most vital dynamisms of the human
the vision of Vatican II
theological and ecclesial depth
this time of profound encounter and dialogue
useful for communal discernment
walking together

And if you read all that lot without screaming, then congratulations!

Synodal wimmin!

Dead people awareness month

Are you tired of Black Non-binary History Month? Do you yawn when reminded that it's Transgender Lives Support Week? Can you really bear the excitement of LGBTSJQED James Martin Coming Out Day?

Well, that's too bad, as the Catholic Church, at least, has designated November as Dead People Awareness Month. It's also known as People Without Lives Matter, and Gone to Meet Their Maker History Month (although of course it's true that most of history was made by people who are now pushing up the daisies).

People are sick of stripy flags, so we went for this very tasteful one.

We are looking forward to a lot of Dead People Awareness in November, although we are not expecting many dead people to celebrate in person. To kick off, November 1st is Saved Person History Day, and November 2nd is All The Other Dead People Day. After that it goes a bit downhill, but we end the month on a high note with St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, who also happens to be dead.

November 30th is also Saved Fishermen Awareness Day.

Of course all events will be overshadowed by the Synod - you may have realised that October was Synodal Bores Gobbledegook Month, in which all synodal participants were asked to conceal their inmost thoughts by cloaking them in buzzwords.

Sr Maria Grazia Angelini has shown that women can do this just as well as men (so why can't they be ordained?) with her classic "I pray that this synod receives the art of new narrations, the radical humility of knowing the likeness of the Reign of God in the most varied and human dynamisms."

However, Cardinal Joe "Nighty-night" Tobin is also doing well, with his "Synodality is a constitutive dimension of the Church since its origin that is still being realized today. Indeed, it expresses a radical call to conversion, change, prayer and action for all."

Meanwhile, other synodal "experts" continue to exchange gobbledegook.

Austen Ivereigh tells a horrified James Martin that he's just written yet another book about Pope Francis

We eavesdropped on the Synod

Nothing can keep down an ace reporter. I gatecrashed the 2013 conclave by borrowing a cardinal's robes (without permission, in fact), and today I was in the Synod of Synodiocy disguised as Sister Lesbia Nosebucket, the feminist nun and professor of transgender hermeneutics.

All reporting was forbidden: Pope Francis doesn't want it to be known what the views of the participants were, because he has already written the final report. Still, here are some of the snippets I managed to catch:

"When's the big hairy giant going to turn up?"

"Why don't we..."

"That's immoral! Let's do it."

"Austen, would you like some cushions so that you can reach the table?"

"Who's nicked my my Pachamama doll?"

"Haven't we met on Grindr?"

"These Team Rupnik tee-shirts really give us a sense of unity."

"I see your 'ordain donkeys' and raise you to 'bless people who marry donkeys'."

"Tucho just made an improper suggestion to me! Still, I'll think about it."

"Arthur, that food was for the whole table!"

"Give us a kiss."

"If you haven't read my book about Lazarus's LGBT orgies you've missed out."

"How did you do it with a melon?"

"I'm a deaconess. Do your own washing up."

"You're a Jesuit? There's a coincidence - I'm a weirdo too."

"Austen, you've licked my boots enough now."

"You're trans? What does the diocese think?"

"There's only insect pie for dinner, Arthur. Read my new essay 'Loada Te-dium'."

Marko Rupnik to participate in the Great Synod

In an unusual exercise of papal authority, Pope Francis has appointed the distinguished artist Fr Marko Rupnik (sometimes referred to as "Master of the Pope's Art", "The Artist Laureate", and "My Pal Marko who does those weird paintings") to the Secret Synod on Synodality.

From the Synod web page. Unusually, for a Rupnik, every person here has exactly two eyes.

Rupnik has of course been much in the news for his highly original activities, unsuitable for listing on a family blog that is read by nuns, children and Cardinal "TouchMe" Fernández. But since the Pope has also appointed Messrs. Zanchetta, Grassi, Barros and McCarrick to the distinguished membership of the synod, there is no danger of Maestro Marko feeling lonely.

It has coincidentally also been decided that the synod will be held behind closed doors, with just the occasional news bulletin to tell us what has been decided. Will it be lesbian priests? Transgender bishops (in addition to the ones we have already)? A banning of the Vernacular Mass to match the banning of the Latin Mass? Place your bets now.

We shall not see much of what is going on at the synod.

Some critics are unhappy with the favour shown to Marko Rupnik, but the great man is sure to offer the Church many new insights on sexual relations. Anyway, in the words of the "Where Pacha Is" blog - Pope Francis is always right, even when he's wrong.

In fact, it's thought that Pope Francis, having tormented the faithful with Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and much else, is running out of ways to stamp his personality on the Catholic Church, and this was the best he could do.

Well, the ground's in tip-top condition, and we can look forward to some first-rate synodal sport in the next few weeks. Let's finish off with one of my favourite paintings (from the Rupnik exhibition currently being held in the Ivereigh Gallery, Little-Scribbler-on-the-Moan).

The drunken custard-pie addict and his optically-challenged friends are back!

Fr Spadaro takes up education

Over now to St Bergoglio's Jesuit College, where the head teacher is just introducing a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to the primary class.

HT: Now class, I want you all to give a big welcome to Fr Antonio Spadaro from the Dicastery for Culture and Education. He's going to give you all a lesson so that we can see how modern education works.

The Pope meets a cultured and educated man.

AS: Hello, everyone. Let's see what you know. We'll start with some hard sums. What is 2 plus 2, can anyone tell me?

Child 1: Please, sir, I know. It's 4.

AS: You miserable backwardist MORON! [Child 1 bursts into tears.] Someone else?

[Cries of "3", "but it is 4", "5", "a million zillion squillion", "ask the Synod".]

AS: Clearly you are no good at hard sums. As budding Jesuits you should never give a clear answer, anyway. The answer is it MAY be 5. but it MAY not be. Got that?

[Class looks puzzled, and the teacher continues.]

AS: Let's try Physics. What is electric, and has fields of attraction and repulsion round it?

[Class: "a magnet", "a battery", "a wire", "a robot".]

AS: No, you're all wrong! You witless worms!

And now, the Janitor gives the correct answer!

AS: We'll do some spiritual exercises later, when Professor James Martin comes over in his rainbow leotard to teach you about Ignatian Yoga. Meanwhile, can anyone answer this one? Who is worshipped by the Catholic Church?

Child 2: Jesus, sir!

AS: Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!! Jesus is indifferent to suffering, peevish and insensitive, unbreakably harsh, an unmerciful theologian, rigid, and confused. What's more, He is definitely an indietrist, refusing to adapt to modern society. Don't you realise that "Jesuit" is a short form of "Jesus Insult"? That should give you a clue what attitude to adopt.

[Child 2 runs out of the class. Other children makes guesses such as "Mary", "Peter", "Arthur Roche" and "Tucho Fernández".]

AS: I despair of you, children! The answer is Pope Francis! Francis the humble! Francis, the man with his own Magisterium. Francis the saintly! Francis the only pope who was ever infallible!

Well, that's enough Education. We'll discuss Culture another day.

[Head teacher runs screaming from the room.]

More about "Come Forth"

Disclaimer: when I last wrote about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ's new book, I thought I was joking when I said that "Come Forth" meant "Come Out" in the sense of "Stop suppressing your sexual urges, get your pants off, and come to the next Pride meeting!" But it seems that he did indeed mean this (plus a lot of nonsense about Lazarus being the disciple that Jesus loved). So I will try and do a better review.

My apologies to Fr Jim!

Extensive research (oh, at least 10 minutes) has shown that many of Jesus's sayings have double meanings.

Thanks to Fr Antonio "2+2=5" Spadaro we now know that Jesus was not always a cosy comfortable ice-cream eating Bidenite Catholic, but that He started His ministry as a nasty callous climate-denying rigid neo-Trumpian orange-haired brute. It was only after meeting the Canaanite woman (we don't have a name for her, but it was probably Nancy) that He became aware that His mission was to become a liberal LGBTQ-supporting Jesuit.

Could this be the Canaanite woman?

Once Jesus had been put on the correct path, Fr Jim tells us that He said many things which have been misinterpreted by theologians over the last 2000 years. Luckily Jimbo is here to put us straight! (Not the right word, but never mind.)

He that is without sin among you: let him cast the first stone. This is a great saying. It basically tells us that you can do what you like and nobody can criticise. Of course some people - such as the Pope, Jesuits, left-wing politicians, etc. ARE without sin, so if you find stones coming through your roof, you can be sure that they know about you.

Synodists (without sin) get fit for some stone-throwing.

I am the Alpha and the Omega. This quotation from the Book of Revelation shows that Jesus was already encouraging us to indicate our sexual preferences by letters. Nowadays we would say "I am the Lambda, the Gamma, the Beta, and the Tau" or "LGBT" for short. Similarly, modern theologians no longer speak of a Trinitarian god, but a non-binary God.

Was this the real message of Revelation?

Get thee behind me, Satan! This an invitation to LGBT-obsessed priests to get lost. Oh, sorry, this one isn't in Fr Jim's book. My mistake.

Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis

A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan, has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.

"Now he's really put his foot in it!"

"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.

His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman" and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best, and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."

Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it", "Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far. "He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.

Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.