This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

English bishops comment after trip to Rome

After their ad limina visit to Rome, the Catholic bishops of England and Wales today accused the Vatican of twisting their words, having discovered that a totally implausible statement had been issued in their name. This is generally agreed to be the highlight:

As we spoke with Pope Francis we realised, more and more, that he simply radiates this joy and peace. He is indeed gifted with a unique grace of the Holy Spirit of God.

Even in this time of turmoil, the Holy Father is so clearly rooted in God and blessed by God. His peace is secure. His life is serene. We know, because he showed us his heart. It is the heart of a loving father.

CBCEW ad limina

Don't mention the Dubia! Or the Order of Malta. Or China. Or McCarrick.

It is suspected that someone such as Cardinal Baldisseri got to the original statement. This was far less effusive, and said:

We had a lovely time in Rome, and Pope Francis served us some delicious tea and Eccles cakes. We talked to him, and he listened. Then he talked to us about something totally different.

We realised, more and more, that Pope Francis is a tall man, although rather overweight. He has been gifted with the papacy by the St Gallen Mafia, and we appreciate his authority.

In this time of turmoil, Pope Francis radiates serenity. Nothing can trouble him. Anyone who attempts to trouble him is promptly shown the door. We know, because he showed us one of Cardinal Burke's kidneys - he keeps it in the freezer.

bishops in the bus

Bishops in the bus. Ad orientem or versus populum, My Lord?

Bishop Philip Egan, along with Mark Davies, is generally considered to be one of the more saved of English bishops - a sort of anti-Nichols - but even he could not resist joining in the fun.

The meeting with the Holy Father was remarkable - 2 and half hours!! It was Q&A. He spoke as a pastor and a father, full of wisdom, and many of us asked him questions.

Yet again, we have managed to locate the original statement, before the bishop's Twitter feed was hacked.

We asked the Holy Father many questions, although he explained that there was no time in which to answer them. In fact Pope Francis is a busy man, fully occupied in plans for world domination, developing heresy through new synods, and a new "seek and destroy" accompaniment for Archbishop Viganò. He certainly has no idea who Cardinal McCarrick is.

We also met Fr Spadaro, and, although many people say he spends all his time underground, living on fish and looking for his "precious", the smell is hardly noticeable. Or maybe I have a cold.


The Pope's most trusted adviser, along with Austen Ivoryhead the dwarf.


  1. The Bishops of England and Wales with Pope Francis, aka The Manson Family and Charles.

  2. "He keeps it in the freezer" LOL! Eccles, you are naughty!

  3. Yikes. Much as I'd want an Eccles cake, I wouldn't touch any food offered to me in the vatican.

    1. You and St. Paul both. He even mentioned his wariness of the provenance of what he was offered in the Eternal City when he wrote in one of his letters about 'an angel of satan to buffet me...'

    2. I reckon the Swedish Lutherans smorgasborded Francis in 2016 when he joined them to celebrate the Bold Sinner. Explains a lot.

  4. Like peering at the aftermath of a car crash, I knew I shouldn't have done it but I took a closer look at the full bishops' statement. Wow! Whoever cooked that up has got it real bad. So bad, that there may not currently be a cure known to man. The only thing they stopped short of saying was that halfway through the meeting, Francis got up and flew several times around the hall while whistling 'He's got the whole world in his hands.'

  5. He would have a heart of stone who did not collapse with laughter at the bishops' original statement. It's a send-up, surely?

  6. That spiel was definitely written in Italian and fed through Google Translate.

    I have enlarged the group photo on screen and confirmed my suspicions. Someone had been sharing out the Pontefract cakes before the photo call.

  7. How to improve the text - take it on an adventure through Google translate, from English to Italian to Spanish, Polish, Punjabi, Pashto, Zulu, Kyrgyz and back to English.

    Diego Cowlow Halomos Connolly Pappinas is very low, and we are dedicated to studying, he said that he was very little. Dohi Hacho, this step Tara Day Dodado Chokan Graceia Esprituto Santo de Dios, Santo-Padre Dos and Bendixico Dice said. Paz-Memory-Segura water vdi Senate sebmos, porku and sherrro corazó.

    In case you are wondering, I think Diego Cowlow Halomos Conolly Pappinas is Pope Francis.

  8. The bus driver should have sat 'ad populum'.

  9. On another topic...

  10. LOL! (I wonder what else could be in that freezer??)