What do the yoof really want?

As the Yoof Synod continues on its merry way, we have asked some of the participants to explain what the Yoof really want, as they are obviously too young to decide for themselves.

"Schweinehund! All I asked him for was a little cuddle..."

Cardinal "Rhino" Marx.

It has become clear to me that the Yoof are very interested in LGBT issues, and want us to change Catholic teaching so that same-sex relations are recognised as just as good as marriage. If not better. So far we are being thwarted by those wretched African cardinals, who, as my mate Walter Kasper pointed out, need to shut their traps and go back to Bongo-Bongo land.

As a subsidiary issue, what the Yoof also like is fat hairy cardinals supported by extravagant church taxes, who want to give Communion to anyone who is a fully paid-up member of the Church. I totally agree with them.

"I am living proof that it's not just handsome young men that the cardinals like."

"Rev." Martina Viktorie Kopecká of the Czechoslovak Impudent Hussy Church.

I am deeply honoured to be the only female cleric attending the Yoof Synod. Obviously what the Yoof want is more female clerics, as Jesus obviously got things wrong when he appointed male disciples. Don't be scared, though - nobody is likely to notice that I'm a woman! Indeed some old man called "Uncle Ted", whom I met in the corridor, invited me back to his room by mistake, thinking I was a callow seminarian! Still, he's found his glasses again now.

At this Synod I feel accepted, and my voice is heard. What the Yoof want is more short-haired females dressed as priests. This is all they ever tell me.

Groovy, man! (Click for video.)

Cardinal Chito Tagle, the world's oldest teenager.

They tell me I am likely to be Pope Francis III, following on from that excellent man Blase Cupich as Francis II. Being only 61 years old, I am practically a Yoof myself, and I certainly know what the Yoof like to do - to dance around clicking their fingers, to go clubbing, to listen to Bono Geldof, Red Floyd, Pink Hot Chilli Roses, Guns 'n Peppers, and other contemporary bands.

They call me the "tearful" cardinal, and it's true that I am a very emotional chap. What the Yoof are asking for is a new liturgy where there will be more finger-clicking, and also several places where they are encouraged to burst into tears. Onions will be supplied. Click-click!

However...

"Cardinal Baldisseri has already written a report telling you what you want."

A saved person goes to vote

Holy water? Check. 
Rosary? Check. 
Crucifix? Check. 
Missal? Check.
Thurible? Check. 
Right, it's off to the polling station I go.

So, guess which one I voted for?

In fact, I got to vote twice today, once in my own right, and once to cast a proxy vote for a family member who had fallen down some stairs and sprained his ankle. He gave me explicit instructions how to vote in both the local and general elections, but he added a request that I adorn his ballot paper with a rude and naughty poem about Ed Miliband. Apparently, this would not invalidate the vote, but I didn't fulfil that request. Maybe that puts me in breach of electoral law? I don't know.

An unfortunate (double) lookalike. Fr Ted and Nicola Sturgeon.

It was a glorious day as I walked along the street to the polling station. I passed a yellow sign telling me to vote Lib Dem, then a red one for Labour, and a blue one for Conservative, and a green one for, er, Green. No UKIP ones, as it happened. Surely they couldn't all be right? No, of course not.

The election literature gave me a clue: "Joan Tharg cooks a delicious baby for her dinner. Fred Barg helps a constituent raise the money to send his granny off on a surprise trip to Dignitas. Alex Warg explains lesbianism to the St Vincent's Primary School Reception Class. Mohammed Xarg raises £5,000 for ISIS." I was beginning to suspect that all my candidates were grossly unsaved.

The "Savedometer" for analysing the swing between saved and unsaved candidates.

In the end I did find one candidate who was slightly saved (let's say, more saved than Professor Tina Beattie but less saved than Bishop Mark Davies), and voted for him. However his leader is definitely a very unsaved person. My only consolation was that my vote could only make a real difference if the majority in my constituency was 0 or 1. But it's not a happy day for a saved person.

As the old story has it, we shall have three possible hymns to choose from tomorrow:

Now thank we all our God.

O God, our help in ages past.

God moves in a mysterious way.