This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

New readers start here

Who is Eccles? Who is Bosco? What is this blog all about?

Once upon a time there was a Telegraph blogger called Damian Thompson, who wrote mainly on religious subjects from the perspective of a traditional Catholic. His blog was referred to as "Holy Smoke", and attracted a variety of commentators. Damian discussed vital issues of interest to Catholics, such as, who would be the next Archbishop of Westminster, was Bishop Arthur Roche eating too many cinnabons, and was Mgr Andrew Summersgill capable of organizing a papal drinks party in a brewery?

Damian and Pope

Damian Thompson in Westminster Cathedral, angry at having been "cut" by the Pope.

Thompson's blog also attracted a number of anti-Catholic trolls. First, there were the atheists, those who thought that Richard Dawkins was some sort of theological giant, and whose rhetoric mainly consisted of references to sky-fairies, bronze-age goat-herds and child abuse. Oh, they found child abuse fascinating.

Second, there were Christians of a distinctly non-Catholic flavour. Chief among them was one who posted with a clown avatar as "stbosco", a man greatly influenced by the ideas of Jack Chick. Whatever the subject of discussion - and Damian was gradually moving away from Catholic topics onto general politics and gossip - Bosco (as we shall call him) would post twenty-line diatribes copied and pasted from virulently anti-Catholic sites, or sometimes written by himself in his own illiterate style. Bosco has his own blog, which no decent person would ever wish to read, but, if you are feeling indecent, you can probably find it quickly by Googling "bosco blog bite me".

St Peter or Jupiter?

One of the few images on Bosco's blog that does not have an obscene or disgusting caption.

Most of Bosco's blog is to do with accusations against Catholics of homosexual practices, child abuse and idolatory. It is also highly scatological. You really don't need to read it.

Anyway, early in 2011, a new poster (or possibly an old one, rebranded) turned up on Damian's blog, calling himself "Eccles", in honour of the famous Goon Show character, and claiming to be the younger, even less intelligent, brother of Bosco. Like Bosco, Eccles believed he was automatically "saved", which meant that like Bosco he could tell lies, insult people, and be generally rude, safe in the knowledge that his golden crown was already waiting for him, together with a seat at God's right hand. The Eccles comments were ridiculous parodies of Bosco's.

Eccles cultivated a style of illiterate writing similar to Bosco's, but worse, which was stolen from the Molesworth books ("Down with Skool!" etc.) which allowed a talented writer to indulge in sub-Joycean wordplay.

Bosco furiously denied that Eccles was his brother. Well he would, wouldn't he? The moderators on Damian's blog soon got into the habit of deleting roughly 50% of Bosco's posts and Eccles's too.

The Mad Moderator

A typical Telegraph "muddlerator".

So Eccles decided to write his own blog, and just link to it. The links were often "muddlerated" away, but the blog survived as an account of the life of Eccles and Bosco. The first story to appear on this blog was a charming little fable about Bosco attending a Bible class. It concluded:

In our last lesson, Bosco got very cross wiv de Cathlic preist, Fr X. Pell de Mons, cos in his room he had a children's book wiv a pitcher of a pengiun on de cover. Bosco fought it was a nunn and went bersek. Here is Polly de Nunn, she aint so dangrous, is she?

Polly de Nunn

Polly de Nunn.

As time went on, other trolls from Damian's blog found themselves appearing in Eccles's blog. Chief of those was "Anti Moly", loosely based on an atheist commentator from Adelaide with a reputation for obsessiveness, insults, bad temper, and bullying. She turned up as the great-aunt of Eccles and Bosco, who was definitely "unsaved", was addicted to drinking gin (or hair-restorer, if necessary), and liked to stay up all night screaming at the Internet.

Another comic character who appeared for a while was Fr Arthur, a very liberal "priest in good standing", who was very fond of accusing his brothers in Christ of all manner of sins. When people went to Confession with him, they found that they did not need to say what they'd done wrong, as he would tell them (and told them that they should not expect forgiveness). Oh, there was also a comic character called Damian Thompson, who lived in a palatial mansion in Notting Hill, with a variety of domestic servants who coincidentally shared the names of Telegraph bloggers.

Bosco himself eventually disappeared from Damian's blog early in 2012 having been finally banned. Eccles himself began to change the direction of his blog somewhat, especially when he realised that Damian Thompson was no longer writing about religion (apart from settling scores, e.g., by claiming that Archbishop Tartaglia had a weight problem).

Richard Dawkins

Richard Dawkins, looking more credible than usual.

The everyday stories of life with Bosco and Moly gradually began to give way to vicious and unfunny satirical attacks, now written in reasonably literate English. For example, there are the "Eccles Bad Hynm Award", where our hero interviews the writers of such masterpieces as "Shine, Jesus, Shine", a "Book of St Richard", where the life of the blessed Richard Dawkins is related, and a variety of brutally cruel pastiches of contemporary religious attitudes.

Eccles himself continues to be a "saved pusson", and you may regard some of the more literate writings as being by his assistants, Ecclesiastes, Ecclesiam and E. Cake, if you don't think he wrote it all himself.

Ecclesiastes

Eccles's secretary, Ecclesiastes.

Who Eccles is not: He's not Damian Thompson. He's not a priest, he's not a professional journalist, he's not anyone at all well known.

Who Eccles is: Well he claims to be a saved pusson. If you have read this far, then you is slightly saved too.

Bible bashing

Totally irrelevant picture to finish off.

55 comments:

  1. I fear this blog is not the funniest spin off from Holy Smoke as Mundabor wins hands down. Nor can it compete with Paul Priest and his minimalist sidekick “Basil Loftus” at the Herald. Basil’s response to one of Priest’s A4 essay’s, “I don’t agree with that” cracks me up every time. Priest’s A4 essay by way of a retort leaves me, literally, aching with laughter. It’s the definitive double act. Good luck anyway and thanks for the potted history.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Er, Sadie, dis blogg aint sposed to be funny, it simply provides spiritaul nuorishment.

      Delete
    2. I don't doubt its sustenance. I knew you weren’t a priest as your sermons are too well organised. No way a bishop as your spelling is superior to that found in the first draft copy of “Fit for Mission” for example ( I wouldn’t mind but he was copying someone else’s work – oh well).

      Please, don't be alarmed by my trolling as I am a recovering alcoholic and a bore.

      Delete
    3. Dat's OK, everyone is welcome here, except Anti Moly.

      Delete
  2. Eccles does not use A4. He uses foolscap, which he Got from an ice skating bishop from Yorkshire.

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  3. Darling Eccles, so kind of you to provide a guide xx Bruvver Bosco now turns up at my place, though some of his posts go missing he says. I don't suppose you has them? Any way, he is being, on the whole, a well- behaved Bosco, so your good influence - and the absence of anti moly - is clearly helping xx Jess

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    Replies
    1. Ullo, Jess, you is doin a grand job tamin Bosco. But keep a whip and a chair handy in case he gets cross.

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    2. Thank you darling Eccles, he can be a sweetie when he wants - must be your good influence xx Jess

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  4. Replies
    1. You is not slightly savd. Only I is slightly savd.

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    2. Actually Jabba, as darling eccles will tell you, onli I am slihgtly saved xx Jess

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  5. Dear Eccles, thank you for the explanation. It answers all of the questions we came up with on Monday night, so you obviously have very good sources... or maybe saved pussons is omny-... omnee-... all-knowing!!

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    Replies
    1. Have you made the connection between mules and dokeys yet? It came to me at 4am.

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    2. You didnt spot de old lady in de corner drinkin gin?

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  6. Who Eccles is: Someone who, whatever else he may have done in life and with whatever measure of success, is surely now discovering his true métier as an, um, provider of "spiritaul nuorishment".

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  7. I was the old lady in the corner drinking gin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoops. Disqus has mutated.

      Delete
  8. I want some off de "spiritaul nuorishment" too...

    Mundabor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wont sum gin.
      I pefere kognac, but aisle set le fer wot i kin git.
      luv

      Delete
  9. Does Eccles live in Ecclestone Square?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice idea, but I is probbably personna not grater there.

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    2. I don't think there's any pusson there grater than you Eccles.

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  10. Ill tell you who eccles is. In a room full of imbecils, he would be considered an imbecile. I happen to know Jesus personally, and if that bothers anyone, well, they can Bite Me. Eccles likes to make fun of salvation. Jesus paid his life for it and catholics downplay it. Well, that is what the CC is for, anti christ activity.My site tells the truth. This site is no help to anyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ullo Bosco dear, how nice to see dat you is gettin spiritaul nuorishment over here. What does Jessus fink of your famuos blogg when you shows it to him?

      Delete
  11. Eccles is not an imbicill. Only I is an imbicill.

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    Replies
    1. I knew it, Jabba, you are St Bozo, the mean spirited fool. And ill bet you are Eccles too. You are just that simple of mind.

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  12. Jesus says im too easy on those idolatrous catholics. Look at what hes got in store for them. Everlasting fire. Now, who is tougher on idolatry...me or jesus. you sniveling groveling sick little monkey

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    Replies
    1. Partaking of anti Moly's refreshing potion, are we, Bosco?

      Delete
  13. Luisa, you are most likely one of those liar catholics that claim the cement statues of Mary actally cry. Now get back to bowing befor your graven images, ...idiot

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. bosco, "actally" I don't need your instructions to go and bow "befor" anything (you really are Eccles' brother!), it's just that you seem to ingest too much of your auntie's brew -ever heard of AA?

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  14. Im sure you dont need my permission to bow and scrape befor your images of Baal my sister Luisa. Which is your fave? The mother child Babylonian image of Tamuz. The filthy catholic church has renamed it Mary and baby Jesus. But you dont care do you. Just bow to anything made of cement. Even cookie monster with a sign that says....Mary. You punch drunk idolater, get back to your golden cups

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    Replies
    1. Bosco dere shall I write annuver postin about your most recent expliots? You is givvin me lots of luvvly materail.

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    2. Keep on bowing and scraping to your cement dove, bozo.

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    3. Brother Jabba, you know good and well nobody who attends calvary chapel bows to the dove. Or bows to any image. That is the domain of eastern religions and catholicism, which is a continuation of the first false religion of Nimrod. Look it up Jabba, Nimrods religion had a mother child statue, and had sacrements to obey and its perv priests had fish hats. Sound familiar brother Jabba? The Babylonian cult is still alive today and boasts about its billion members. Jesus said the road to salvation is narrow and few be thereon. So now what Jabba? You gonna stay on that wide road with the rest of those idolaters?

      Delete
    4. Her iz sum grate spiritaul nuorishment

      with pinut buter and eis crim !!!!

      http://vimeo.com/13466950

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    5. gud vidio for spott the hyrese drincing gam !!!

      Delete
  15. I dont have any exploits.You can post what you want, you always do, no matter how useless. I know who you are. You are that sick monkey who calls himself Trollbridge. You were that ungodly clown in Damians site that had a hitman for a sockpuppet, i forgot their names. You also went under the name Jadis. And Hilda. You can only fool me for so long.Trollbridge has a pic of himself. I knew you were old. Its the way you talk. Old and washed up.

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    Replies
    1. Dem's creul words to your little bruvver, Bosco dere. We is back to Kane and Able agian, I feer.

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  16. ....If love is longsuffering patient kind endures all evil and does not boast..i see none in the comments of mr biggles...if as Jesus said the father and he would reside in the just man..we see there is no justice in arbitrary condemnations based on hearsay/heresy...from the pestiferating violent comments of biggles/bosco we see he is no manofGod..only a pawn in the devil,s'chess set... :-)

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  17. I'm hugely happy because I have found Anti Moly. I too am an Australian great-aunt addicted to gin who loves to stay up all night screaming at the internet.

    (Although I am from Perth, rather than Adelaide, but it's only a couple of hours away by plane.)

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  18. I just wanted to be last to contribute here. Thank you for this......and that!

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  19. I have to break it to Brother Leon he ain't.

    For those missin' Bosco, he appears twice nightly on the 'Watchtower' xx Jess

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  20. Hi Eccles I am very happy to read your stuff. It really cracks me up (with laughter) You and Ken Dodd do more for humanity than that skating twit from Leeds. We Catholics have for years been abandoned by the clergy who are only carreerists, men of this world more interested in their bodily comforts etc . .Lets hope Pope Francis gets the show back on the road otherwise more souls will be lost . . don't get me started . . .

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  21. Eccles, I am a bird in exile! Unceremoniously thrown off the blog of a dead Archbishop and now with nowhere to go.

    Here are his cruel words to me:

    "This is a Church of England blog.
    It is HIS GRACE's space:
    HE created and maintains it.
    He will write as HE sees fit.
    HE will judge what is offensive or not."


    And then:

    You rarely miss an opportunity to laud the Church of Rome ...
    berate the Church of England ...
    criticise His Grace ...
    (with a snide undercurrent of anti-Catholicism).
    No ... just go.


    This was all soooo unfair and I'm hoping you might consider allowing this flightless Catholic reprobate (who is only half-saved) to visit here from time to time.

    Dodo - who promises to behave himself as best he can and not to criticise Protestants too much.

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    Replies
    1. Sure you can comment here, bruvver Doddo. Just don't be too rood and norty. We is pretty tollerant here.

      Delete
  22. Why thank you Bruvver Eccles. I am delighted. And I am never rude or naughty. Besides, I have been "born again" and am now gentle and mild mannered.

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    Replies
    1. Nice to see you here Mr Dodo - I hope if you is born again you won't be born like Bosco xx Jess

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    2. Hello Jess and thank you. No need to call me "Mister" as this is a relaxed site. At least you spelled my name right unlike Eccles. Is his spelling always that bad? I've seen you on Mundabor.

      No, I'm not "born again" like some of those looney protestants who think: "That's it. Job done". Is Bosco one of them? I've met them types and there's no reasoning with them.

      Delete
  23. If my naim is MooseMoo, and I is probably a moose, is I beeing slightly saved, sometimes saved if I is a humbled and dedicatted to God moose (I warship no iddles) or not very saved as I is not a saved hooman like you, Eccles. I is worryied about whether I be saved at all as much as you be saved, wich I know is diffocult but I is a godly, good moose.

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  24. Wow - this is like a revival meeting, albeit one with bowing and scraping before cement images (sorry Bosco!). Thanks, Brother Eccles, words cannot express how nourished my soul feels at this moment.

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  25. Thank you for restoring your blog to those of us too stoopid to know how to change the search engine.

    ReplyDelete