How to be popular with Pope Francis

Over now to Dublin, where the newly-appointed archbishop, Dermot Farrell, is consulting his spiritual director, Monsignor Gríma Wormtongue.

Monsignor Wormtongue.

GW: So, Dermot, are you keen to follow in the footsteps of your predecessor Archbishop Diarmuid Martin? If so, we can book you an appointment at the clinic to have your spine removed. Then all you need to do is lie on the floor and let all the politicians tickle your tummy.

DF: Diarmuid did a very good job, didn't he?

GW: Yes, Catholicism is almost extinct in Ireland now. How do you plan to continue his work?

DF: I'd like to become popular with Pope Francis, with a view to getting a red hat.

GW: Ah, the Vincent Nichols approach. Support the Pope in everything he says, and indeed go the extra mile when it comes to preaching absurdities. What do you have in mind?

DF: I thought I'd try pushing for women deacons. In the old days that would have got me excommunicated, but now all you get is a Christmas card from Fr James Martin saying "I knew you were one of us! Keep up the Ignatian yoga, brother!"

GW: I'll give you a tip. Keep an eye on Bishop Georg Bätzing, head of the German Bishops' Conference. He's gone the full Jimbo, with calls for a change in church teaching on homosexual relationships, ordination of women deacons and priests, and so on. He'll be getting a cardinal's hat next time, like Uncle Wilt Gregory, who got his for being nasty about Donald Trump.

DF: But does Bätzing really expect church teaching to change?

The ride of the German Deaconesses.

GW: That's the great thing. He can claim it has, and nobody in the Vatican will dare to correct him. Luckily many German women are two metres tall and wear suits of armour, so he can ordain them while pretending he thought they were men. Then later on he can talk about the German Catholic Church, or Katholischelutherischekartoffelsalatkirche, as they say in Limburg, as if it were simply a local branch of the church rather than a heretical sect.

DF: Great! Now let's try this in Ireland. Oh, and order me a red hat from Gammarelli's...

Amazonis Laetitia

The Instrumentum Laboris for the forthcoming Amazon synod has been released, and here are some excerpts from the document, which was edited by Cardinal Piranha, the special nuncio to the Amazon jungle. We expect to see many future synods named after rivers, including the Mississippi Synod, the Yangtze Synod, and - most heretical of all - the Rhine Synod, at which the German bishops will be instructed to "wash away all the old teachings".

Amazonis Laetitia

As always, the Catholic Church is guided by her faith in the Mother Earth Goddess, and her attendant Spirits, of which we mention Viracocha, Quetzalcoatl, Bergoglio, Maradiaga, etc. It has naturally been discovered that doctrine has evolved since the boring old 1st Century, and along the following lines.

"Peace be with you!"

Marriage of priests. Following detailed researches into Church customs, it has been agreed that priests shall be allowed to marry, but none should have more than six wives. Coincidentally, this brings us into line with best practice in the Church of England, whose founder also had six wives; thus it may be regarded as an ecumenical gesture.

Human sacrifices. This is a theological grey area, but very important, and so we have relegated the new doctrine to an ambiguous footnote on page 94. It is generally agreed that human sacrifices are at best an optional form of the liturgy (like the "sign of peace" but less offensive), and we expect the German bishops to take a lead here. Provided that "discernment" and "accompaniment" are stressed, who are we to judge?

The Spirit of Vat-Inca II.

Women priests and deacons. Traditionally the Catholic Church has said that it is impossible to ordain women to holy orders (see the encyclical Retro in Cocinatorium ("Get back in the kitchen").) However, there is evidence (thank you, Fr Martin!) that in fact three of the twelve apostles were women, and one was not at all sure, and we haven't even mentioned the view that Mary Magdalene founded the Church. So it is definitely a grey area, and if it's one thing the Church is here for, it is to provide Jobs for the Boys (and Girls!) So we will mumble ambiguously about this one for a few months until suddenly everyone notices that lots of the priests are in fact female.

Liturgical blowpipes. Here we are stressing the traditional Christian line that firing poisoned darts at your neighbour (tipped with the venom of the serpent Blasus Cupichus) during Mass is considered to be bad manners; still, some bishops may choose to allow the custom. The priest, on the other hand, may fire suitably blessed blowpipes at unruly members of the congregation, although like the Extraordinary Form Mass, this is something we do not really encourage.

Fr Blopipe practices his rituals.

Dubia, Filial Corrections, Rude letters from theologians, etc. These will be ignored, as usual, except that if we find out where you live, you may suddenly disappear. Understood?

What do the yoof really want?

As the Yoof Synod continues on its merry way, we have asked some of the participants to explain what the Yoof really want, as they are obviously too young to decide for themselves.

"Schweinehund! All I asked him for was a little cuddle..."

Cardinal "Rhino" Marx.

It has become clear to me that the Yoof are very interested in LGBT issues, and want us to change Catholic teaching so that same-sex relations are recognised as just as good as marriage. If not better. So far we are being thwarted by those wretched African cardinals, who, as my mate Walter Kasper pointed out, need to shut their traps and go back to Bongo-Bongo land.

As a subsidiary issue, what the Yoof also like is fat hairy cardinals supported by extravagant church taxes, who want to give Communion to anyone who is a fully paid-up member of the Church. I totally agree with them.

"I am living proof that it's not just handsome young men that the cardinals like."

"Rev." Martina Viktorie Kopecká of the Czechoslovak Impudent Hussy Church.

I am deeply honoured to be the only female cleric attending the Yoof Synod. Obviously what the Yoof want is more female clerics, as Jesus obviously got things wrong when he appointed male disciples. Don't be scared, though - nobody is likely to notice that I'm a woman! Indeed some old man called "Uncle Ted", whom I met in the corridor, invited me back to his room by mistake, thinking I was a callow seminarian! Still, he's found his glasses again now.

At this Synod I feel accepted, and my voice is heard. What the Yoof want is more short-haired females dressed as priests. This is all they ever tell me.

Groovy, man! (Click for video.)

Cardinal Chito Tagle, the world's oldest teenager.

They tell me I am likely to be Pope Francis III, following on from that excellent man Blase Cupich as Francis II. Being only 61 years old, I am practically a Yoof myself, and I certainly know what the Yoof like to do - to dance around clicking their fingers, to go clubbing, to listen to Bono Geldof, Red Floyd, Pink Hot Chilli Roses, Guns 'n Peppers, and other contemporary bands.

They call me the "tearful" cardinal, and it's true that I am a very emotional chap. What the Yoof are asking for is a new liturgy where there will be more finger-clicking, and also several places where they are encouraged to burst into tears. Onions will be supplied. Click-click!

However...

"Cardinal Baldisseri has already written a report telling you what you want."

Church of England "the greatest dream realised for human beings"

Justin Welby (currently leading in a Twitter poll to find the silliest Archbishop of Canterbury in the last 25 years, in spite of stiff competition from Rowan Williams and George Carey) has stated that the European Union is "the greatest dream realised for human beings" for the past 1,500 years.

He is too modest. For a team of EU Grandees (Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk, old Uncle Verhofstadt and all) have reciprocated by pointing out that in fact the Church of England is the greatest dream realised for human beings since... well, since before Christ in fact, as all HE could do was to found the Catholic Church.

Can I join, Justin?

As the grandees pointed out, the Church of England is unique in that it is the only religion that caters for all possible beliefs. Do you believe in the existence of God? Yes? No? Welcome! Do you believe that women can be priests? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. Are you pro-life? Yes? No? We don't care! How about same-sex marriage? For? Against? It's all the same to us. Are you a Muslim? We probably have a church for you too.

The only (well not the only) church in which any fool can be a bishop, and many are!

Everything you expect in a church... except God.

Being a Catholic isn't easy. You're suppose to avoid sin, and, since this is basically impossible, you have to confess, be absolved, and start again. Anglicans don't have this problem, as the only sins they acknowledge are Euroscepticism, Climate Change scepticism, and of course a lack of enthusiasm for Equality and Diversity in all shapes and sizes (oops, a dwarfophobic comment there).

Great job opportunities!

Catholics are also supposed to attend Mass once a week. This seems so dreadfully unfair, when Anglicans only attend church three times in a lifetime - once to be drenched from the font, once to get hitched to some person of the opposite (?) sex - well maybe more than once in this case - and once in a wooden box, when the priest will say how wonderful you were, and the congregation will sing "My Way".

Contrast that with a Requiem Mass, in the Catholic tradition, where you will maybe get the Dies Irae, which is a little poem explaining that the dear departed was probably unsaved, and is certainly going to have a rough time at the Day of Judgement.

Women who dress up as Catholic priests just aren't taken seriously! Unlike Anglicans, ha ha.

Nope, as the Three Wise Men of the EU have pointed out, Anglicanism was a wonderful step forward for the human race - well done, Henry VIII! Indeed, an Anglican's life is tailored to your individual needs. Why, no wonder the churches are full to the brim.

Oh... aren't they?

When the bishop's away...

I regularly monitor the "Bishop's Engagements" page of the Catholic media, just to keep an eye on our lads, and make sure that they are not participating in any gay masses, clown masses, asparagus festivals, surreptitious 'ordination' of women, Freemason parties or chats with ACTA. However, this week's notices are rather dull, as our shepherds are all away at the Bishops' Conference in Palazzola, Rome.

Getting ready for a hard week's bishoping.

In fact, the way the bishops describe their absence is very revealing. In decreasing order of holiness we find "Attends Spring Plenary Meeting and Retreat, Palazzola, Rome" / "Bishop's Conference, Palazzola" / "Pub crawl, Palazzola" / "Wild orgy, Palazzola". But the fact remains, THEY ARE ALL AWAY THIS WEEK.

This is my chance to take over the Catholic Church in England and Wales while nobody is looking.

Eccleston Square, headquarters of the bishops.

After a bit of consultation on Twitter, I came up with the following changes that seemed worth making:

1. Restore the Holy Days of Obligation to their original dates, rather than pushing them off to the nearest Sunday. Thus Ascension Day and Corpus Christi return to Thursday, and Ed Balls Day (April 28th) and Star Wars Day (May 4th) to the days on which they actually should fall. All plans to move Good Friday and Christmas to Sunday are to be cancelled.

2. Implement Vatican II, not the Spirit of Vatican II. So the altars will conveniently be moved so that the priest can face God, rather than have his back to Him. Latin will become the principal language of the liturgy, thus removing all debates about translations. Obviously statements such as "There is coffee afterwards in the Annibale Bugnini Memorial Hall" may be made in English, although we may choose to rename the hall.

3. The complete and utter banning of hymns by Paul Inwood, Kevin Mayhew, Damian Lundy, Bernadette Farrell, Graham Kendrick, Estelle White, William McGonagall, etc.

"The world is full of smelly feet." Banned from Mass. [click to enlarge]

4. All mention of Amoris Laetitia to be banned until Pope Francis condescends to tell us what it's about by answering the Dubia.

5. The instant excommunication of women 'priests', people who 'ordain' women as 'priests', people who campaign for women to be 'ordained' as 'priests', etc. Oh, and let's close down Roehampton's Department of Human Studies and Catholic Flourishing just to be on the safe side.

How many errors can you spot in this picture?

Of course, when Cardinal Nichols returns from Rome and discovers that the Church has become unrecognisable in his absence, he's likely to be a little bit cross, but think how much good it will do him.

All Anglican clergy to be rebranded as women

Following the Anglicans' widely-reported calls to refer to God as a woman (John Bingham is not widely-regarded as a satirist, so we must assume that this piece is serious), there have been further calls to refer to all Church of England clergy as "she".

The lovely Justine Welby, Archbishopess of Canterbury.

Referring to God as "Our Mother" may be regarded as controversial, and would involve a rewriting of the Lord's - er, Lady's - prayer in terms such as "Our Mother, who art in Heaven, Holly be thy name, ..." No such difficulties are seen in deeming all Anglican clergy to be female: as one commentator said, "They're all a bunch of old women, anyway. Besides, atheists are used to referring to them as 'men in dresses', so if we decide that they are 'women in dresses', then this instantly demolishes a powerful anti-clerical argument."

Bishop Libby gives a blessing.

Deeming all clergymen to be female will also be in keeping with the Spirit of the Age (which is an Anglican cousin of the Spirit of Vatican II), for the married males will suddenly find themselves in same-sex partnerships, which can only be a good thing. Ask Father Gerry O'Morrah of the Irish Catholic Church to explain this to you.

Mother Giles Fraser has declared herself "delighted" with her statutory change in sex; it has always been a disappointment to her that she has been unable to identify herself fully with the "gay marriage" community, being married to a woman and being the father of kids.

N.B. While researching this article (oh yes, we did) we discovered that "Giles" is derived from the Greek αιγιδιον (aigidion) meaning "young goat". So "kids" is the right word.

"Why do the sheep go on the right and the goats on the left, anyway?"

Offensive Page 3 to continue

After a few days in which it seemed that there would be no more offensive material on Page 3, the Tablet has indicated that it is reverting to its traditional layout. "If you did not have a Page 3 in last week's issue, then it was probably a printer's error," said a spokesman.

Catherine Pepinster interviews "Rhino", the last surviving Marx brother.

Page 3 of the Tablet has long come in for criticism by Catholics for its offensive nature, as indeed have most of the other pages. We remember that even the cryptic crossword was considered nasty. Clues such as:

1. Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8) (Answer: Benedict), and
2. They mix no metaphor where the world's leading Catholic Professor is based! (10) (Answer: Roehampton) caused distress to many.

Curiously, there is still a wine column by N. O'Phile: is this still written by the great Kieran Conry? Well, why not?

Wine, women and song!

So what will we continue to see on Page 3 of your soaraway Pill? Well, probably more turgid drivel from the likes of Catherine Pepinster, Elena Curti, Tina Beattie, Christopher Lamb, Timothy Radcliffe, etc. However, they have been persuaded to keep their clothes on.

Indeed, we are unlikely to see any Page 3 lovelies in the Tablet. So no topless photos of Voluptuous Vera from Leeds (77), a keen ACTA member and admirer of Bishop Stock. Thank goodness.

Voluptuous Vera.

For those readers who wish to write their own Tablet articles, the way ahead is as follows:

1. Take a random comment by Pope Francis. This is easy as most of his comments are pretty random. But, for example, take his comment on women priests: "The Church has spoken and says no - that door is closed."

There are two doors to women's ordination at the rear of the plane...

2. Present this in Tabletese. Here is a suggestion:

IS FRANCIS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO WOMEN'S ORDINATION?

Pope Francis has indicated that only one flimsy obstacle remains in the issue of Equal Ordination in the Catholic Church. Speaking to reporters, the Pope made a coded reference to Jesus's "Knock and it will be opened unto you" when he said that the door was closed to women's ordination. It is clear that the Holy Father is now as anxious as we are to ordain women to the priesthood, or indeed to let any woman who wishes ordain herself.

3. Send it to Catherine Pepinster and wait for a fat cheque.

"This must be OK. The Tablet said so."

Women, keep silent in church!

1 Corinthians 14:34 reads, in one version:

Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak, but to be subject, as also the law saith.

Somehow, this is not as much a regular part of the liturgy as the great Chapter 13, with its

And now there remain faith, hope, and charity [love], these three: but the greatest of these is charity [love].

Women (and one priest) keeping silent, but, er...

Here are a couple of possible interpretations of what St Paul had in mind:

1. There should be no women priests or deacons; no women reading the lessons; maybe no women in the choir?

2. There should be no women chattering during the service.

Of these, (2) is probably more sexist than (1). There are other theological arguments against the ordination of women, but (2) - which was offered to me by a woman - seems unfair. Is the female sex the "chattering" sex?

Today at Mass, it definitely was. Two elderly ladies (60ish) were sitting next to me, and they spent the entire sermon conversing in loud whispers. I glanced over at one point, and one of them was showing the other a train ticket.

The next morning Andrew told his brother "We have found a train ticket."

So I decided to focus on Fr H's sermon, which was all to do with being called by the Lord. At least, until a flash of light from my left distracted me. Yes, one of the ladies was consulting her mobile phone, and showing her neighbour a text she had received.

I suspect that the text was something like "Come home at once, the parrot has caught fire," for, the moment the sermon was over, the two ladies crept out - pushing past me with a glare. Evidently, that was enough spiritual nourishment for one week.

Still, it's not only women... men chatter as well. Occasionally, I hear comments drifting over: "Excellent blog by Eccles this week. I learnt a lot from it. Really spiritually nourishing." And that was just the priest talking to his deacon while the altar servers were doing their stuff.

Of course another text from St Paul that is not often read out is where he condemns homosexual acts. Stephen Fry's assertion that he and his young friend have become "one person" by signing a book probably can't be justified on Biblical grounds.

Fry and friend. Two persons, or maybe one. Whatever.

What should Jesus have done?

In the old days, whenever we faced a dilemma, we would ask ourselves "What would Jesus do?"

Of course, this guidance is more useful in some situations than others: "We have run out of wine. What would Jesus do?" Well, we know the answer to that one, Jesus would have asked for some large pots, and made some more. However, this doesn't always work (I've tried it).

A common problem.

"This church has got a gift shop, selling selling picture postcards, bronze statues of Vincent Nichols, and copies of the Tablet. What would Jesus do?" Well, Jesus would have made a whip out of knotted cords and driven the whole lot out into the street. I haven't tried that one, so far.

But now we come to "What should Jesus have done?" and this is a hole that some quite well-known clerics are prepared to dig for themselves. Cardinal O'Malley, for example: "If I were founding a church, I’d love to have women priests. But Christ founded it, and what he has given us is something different." Oh, Jesus! If you'd only had Sean O'Malley to advise you! Probably You'd have bought Yourself a brown dressing-gown as well, and for the Last Supper You'd have had something more exciting than bread and wine! But it's too late now - we're stuck with Christianity, when O'Malleyanity would have been so much more fun!

Sean O'Malley. Not destined to found a church.

Then we have Giles Fraser batting for the Anglicans, who have just decided to create women bishops. "Hallelujah, the long wait for female bishops is over at last!" he squeals. He concludes by patronizing the poor souls in his church who hold "to my mind, reprehensible, views" on the ordination of women. What he means here is "Jesus got it wrong. His views are reprehensible. Only I, Giles Fraser, Guardian Correspondent, star of the Today programme, and Anglican vicar (yes, really) hold the key to this savage parade! I have already condemned Jesus's view that marriage is for one man and one woman only as 'bigoted', and now I am kicking Him on the priesthood question."

This is what an Anglican vicar looks like.

Look, guys. It's OK to bash bishops when they need it - after all, "The road to Hell is paved with the bones of priests and monks, and the skulls of bishops are the lamp posts that light the path," as St John Chrysostom pointed out. It's even OK to bash cardinals when they need it - most readers of this blog will agree that Cardinal Kasper is a fruitcake if ever there was one - and it's all right to admit that some popes are altogether brainier, wiser and more coherent than others. But when it comes to starting your prayers with "O Lord, here is a list of things you should have done better..." then perhaps there's something wrong somewhere.

St John Chrysostom - not often invited to bishops' parties.

In praise of the Fishwrap

The American National Catholic Reporter is not highly regarded by orthodox Catholics: indeed Fr Zuhlsdorf has been known to refer to it as the Fishwrap. But does it have any merits?

The most obvious use for the National [Hahaha] Reporter (H/T Fr Z).

If five thousand friends suddenly descend on you wanting a meal - as can happen if someone mentions your party on Facebook - then there is no better way of catering for them than with fish sandwiches: in the right hands, five loaves and two fish can go a long way. In these circumstances, your fish would naturally be best wrapped in the National [Heretic?] Reporter, which is capable of packing in so much that is oily, foul-smelling, and even slightly rotten. Only the British Tablet can compete in this respect.

However, under controlled laboratory conditions, some people have managed to read the National [Whatever] Reporter without going insane, and today we shall review two of its articles.

See how many mistakes you can spot.

Did you know that the Catholic Church has women priests? I didn't, even if you spell them "Womenpriests". I don't think Pope Francis knew, either, and he's generally considered to be something of an expert on the matter. Here we have the National Catholic Reporter - yes, it really does use the C-word in its title - claiming that a gaggle of ladies in suspiciously stripy vestments are priests, indeed, that one of them is a bishop. Phew! That's a relief! We can cancel the Reformation and re-unite with the Anglicans, who are just beginning to catch up in this vital matter.

Now after that, you may think that some of the NCR editorial staff are in need of an analyst, the sort of person who can lie them down on a couch and say to them in a cod-Austrian accent, "So, and how long haf you had zis delusion about vimmin priests?" Luckily, there is an analyst on the staff, and he's a Jesuit!

Fr Thomas Reese SJ, a senior analyst for NCR.

Fr Tommy deserves the credit for another article that we'd like to review. Its headline is unpromising and a little insulting, but it is possible that - as at the British Daily Telegraph - the headlines are often written by teenagers on work experience. On the other hand, the quality of the article that follows also suggests that it was written by a teenager, rather than a worthy disciple of St Ignatius of Loyola.

Now, on this blog, we have always known that the kiss of peace was slightly problematical: see, for example, this guide, which tells you how to conduct the kiss without upsetting your neighbours, and this one, which tells you how to do so without catching an illness. Certain people in the Vatican have now taken our message to heart. You are not there to grope your neighbour, nor to try and beat your personal best in terms of "kisses" scored.

A scoreboard showing the current record as 346 kisses.

Fr Tommy takes a negative view of the Catholic church: basically the "Catholics against the Vatican" tribe has won. He says: The Catholic community, no matter what the Vatican may want, has made the kiss of peace in its current place a joyous symbol and no amount of catechesis will change that.

Yes, it's a great paper, the National [Oh-dear] Reporter. Recommended especially to Presbyterians, Muslims, Atheists, and anyone else who wants to see the Catholic Church looking very silly. Oh, and to fishmongers.

Peter D. Williams versus Hans Küng

Welcome to another edition of Unbelievable with me, Justin Bieber Welby Brierley. Today we have a no-holds-barred fight between Peter D. Williams of Catholic Voices, and Professor Hans Küng, learned professor and Catholic priest in good standing (it says here).

"King" Küng discusses female ordination.

JB: So, Professor Küng, would you like to tell us when you first went mad?

HK: Jawohl. It happened when I was a student. One day I suddenly realised that I was right about everything, and the Pope was wrong. Clearly, the Catholic Church needed a programme of urgent reform. I wrote half a dozen books about it over the next few weeks, and became a priest. As a result Pope John called the 2nd Vatican Council, and appointed me as his main expert on the Catholic faith.

Pope St John XXIII - he owed everything to Hans Küng.

Of course, since then I have been badly betrayed by the Catholic hierarchy. Joseph Ratzinger, who I appointed to Tübingen, was a big disappointment: in those days I was the Dean and he was a mere Professor, so he used to clean my car and do my shopping for me. But he soon left to go to a more conservative establishment, and now refuses to recognise that his subsequent success was all due to me.

Then I used to write letters to that Polish pope - can't remember his name - asking to be made a cardinal, but he ignored me completely. Now at last Pope Francis is taking notice of me. I sent him 17 of my recent books and he said he had never laughed so much since Maradona scored a goal with his hands! Great guy.

Pope Francis reads Hans's views on the priesthood.

JB: Now over to you, Peter Williams.

PDW: Thank you so much for having me here, Justin, and it is an honour and a privilege to be able to talk to a learned man as distinguished as Professor Küng, and to point out that he is barking mad.

JB: Now, what's all this about women priests?

PDW: Jesus... the priesthood... anamnesis... Last Supper... memorial sacrifice... no dames...

HK: Nonsense... Jesus not even at the Last Supper... Priests not mentioned in the Bible... 1 Corinthians 11... my book Why is the Pope going to Hell?...

PDW: Sorry... no evidence of your views in the Biblical texts... Matthew 16... John 21... scripture... tradition...

HK: Read my books: The Gospel according to St Hans, or The letters of Hans to the Romans... I studied 7 years in Rome... priest in good standing... the Mass is never a sacrifice... think of all the suppers at which Jesus DIDN'T say anything about His Body and Blood... I've been a Catholic for 86 years... young whippersnapper...

"Read all these books? Why I wrote them all..."

PDW: Why would anyone want to call themselves a Catholic if they were not a Catholic?

HK: My views are shared by millions of Catholics... well, some... well, I met some men down the pub who did... Why do you insist on referring to the Bible, as if it were some sort of Holy Scripture?

Some men down the pub.

JB: Can I intervene here, and ask the professor what he thinks about giving Communion to Catholics who have murdered their wives, buried them in the garden, and run off with their same-sex lovers?

HK: This is an everyday situation, and I see no problem with it. Clearly the Church must change its teaching on this matter.

PDW: Er... interpretation not in accordance with scripture... Ephesians 55... Daniel 42... Revelation 99... Bingo!

HK: All the Protestant churches interpret scripture my way! Well, the Calvary Chapel does, and the Jehovah's Witnesses think I'm wonderful. You Schweinehund! I'll get you afterwards.

JB: Well, that's all we've got time for now. If you think that Peter D. Williams is a bullying thug who has gone out of his way to humiliate a distinguished old man, then please do write in and tell us.

Peter D. Williams. The hard man of Catholic Voices.

The full version is here.

Hell awarded "City of Culture" title

The City of Hell (full title, Kingston-upon-Hell) has just been awarded the prestigious "City of Culture" title, fighting off stiff competition from Purgatory and Heaven (better luck next time!)

Some of Hell's cultural assets.

Said a spokesman for the judging committee, Mr Dante Alighieri, "We always thought that the Devil had the best tunes, and now that old-fashioned hymn-singing is falling out of fashion, to be replaced by Paul Inwood's Greatest Hits, the Kevin Mayhew Book of Vogon Songs, and the like, it is clear that modern Christianity, at least, is making little effort to catch up."

A modern cathedral. Heavenly, but very ugly.

In architecture, too, Heaven offers little to challenge the supremacy of Hell, as we see ancient churches converted into supermarkets, or palaces of consumerism, while "prison-style" construction inspires so many new religious buildings.

Said a prominent resident of the new City of Culture, Baron Prescott of Kingston-upon-Hell, "I am very excitable and delightful to hear the news - denigrating Hell as the City of Cultivation puts us firmly on the map, rather than just off the edge, and the working people of Hell will be calibrating tonight, no mistake. This would never have happened when we had a Tory Governess. Oh, have we?"

The James Joyce of Kingston-upon-Hell: nothing he says makes sense.

Meanwhile, spokesmen for The Church of Purgatory, such as Lord Carey and A.N. Wilson, have expressed feelings of despondency, saying "We've still got one or two nice churches - although we didn't build them ourselves - but nobody wants to attend them."

Indeed, it is hard to see what the solution could be. Modernizers have done all they can to bring the C of P up to date - they don't mention God any more, and many bishops are very happy with same-sex marriage, adultery, even a little discreet theft and murder. What more could they do?

Could glamorous vicaresses be the answer?

But enough of the problems of Heaven and Purgatory. Today is definitely a day when Hell - an increasingly attractive destination for modern youth, with its fabled lakes of brimstone, and jolly twerking demons to make them feel at home - has every right to celebrate.

Celebration in the streets of Hell.

A non-hierarchical Catholic Church

Jerusalem, A.D. 31

As a result of a stiff letter from the Judaean Popular Front for Church Reform demanding an abolishment of the Catholic hierarchy and the ordination of women and homosexual priests, Pope Peter has stunned the Catholic world by agreeing to all the demands made.

... and someone else can look after these keys: I'm always losing them.

Said the Less-holy-than-before Father, "In fact the demands of the JPFCR seemed to be entirely reasonable. I'm happy to step down as Pope and just return to being a humble fisherman who dabbles in religion occasionally. I've sacked the other 11 disciples, who frankly can get a bit irritating sometimes, especially Doubting Thomas: the man is a bit of a loose cannon, always giving embarrassing interviews. So from now on it's every man (and of course woman, and anyone who is not sure) for himself or herself. Well, at least it gets me out of a probable martyrdom."

Do-it-yourself Holy Scripture. Throw these tiles into the air and see what teaching is revealed.

The Judaean Popular Front for Church Reform is a major dissident Catholic group, incorporating, amongst others, A Call to Actions of the Apostles, Call for Women Apostles, Call to Disobedience, Call Me A Cab, and Call Me Dave (the campaign for homosexual "marriage"). It is now somewhat nonplussed, as all its demands have been met in full and the Catholic Church has imploded.

Said Robert Blair Caesarea, one of the leaders of the JPFCA, "We were hoping to see the ordination of women apostles, but now it seems that there won't be any apostles at all, not even directly-elected ones produced as a result of a modern democratic process involving extensive fund-raising, costly advertising campaigns, primaries, and finally a bit of subtle vote-rigging."

St Stephen - unlikely to get stoned now.

So where next for the Catholic Church? Some "traddy" Christians are saying that it might be a good idea to have a common core of beliefs, but their first mission statement, "NOLITE PECCARE" (do not sin), was rejected as being hopelessly out of date in 1st century Judaea. It has since been modified, after consultation with JPFCA to "IMPOSSIBILE EST PECCARE" (it is not possible to sin), which certainly makes everyone feel better all round.

The ex-Apostle Timothy reacts to a woman "priest".