The World Cup of Ugly Churches - nominations requested

Time for another World Cup. We've done Bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), Bad cardinals (Cupich), Bad Catholic journalists (James Martin), and Liturgical abuses (Idols).

So let's have a World Cup of Ugly Churches. They can be Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox - any Christian denomination. We'll exclude mosques, Buddhist temples, etc. (which tend to be quite attractive anyway, although not spiritually nourishing).

To nominate something please provide a URL that links to information about the church in question*, so that I can get a picture and be sure that it really is a church and not a warehouse or nuclear bunker. The photo can be taken outside or inside, whichever you prefer.

*either by replying to this post, or by replying to my Twitter advert.

Voting will be by Twitter polls, and will start when I have enough entrants.

To get us started, here are three strong-looking contenders.

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid, Spain.

Wotrubakirche, Vienna, Austria.

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay, France.

Remember that all these were built in order to glorify God. Or at least to make the architect rich.

Banning the burkini

Over now to France, where Nice, Cannes and other resorts have struck a blow for secularism by banning the burkini. As Inspecteur Clouseau of the elite Corps de Plage squad explained; "We totally reject ze Islamic idea zat a woman should be told precisely what to wear, so we are making sure zat women in France are told precisely what to wear. Aaaggh, Cato, get off, you imbecile!"

Ooh, Laa Laa! Four dangerous criminals defy the ban.

In fact, it is common on the French Riviera for women to sunbathe topless, although this is not yet compulsory. We should recall that the ideals of the revolution on which the secular state of France is founded were Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, and Nudité: the whole point of taking a guillotine and chopping off people's heads was to encourage the last of these.

Sorry: Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, Nudité, and Obésité.

Said another member of the Corps de Plage, Commissaire Jules Maigret, as he puffed contentedly on his pipe. "Make no mistake, we'll be coming for other people who shamelessly wear head-dress on the beach. This is far easier than trying to stop terrorists killing people. Now excuse me, I haven't been to the bar for over 20 minutes."

Two religious fanatics who will be arrested if they set foot on dry land.

President François Hollande has promised to recall the French Foreign Legion to the shores of the Mediterranean if the problem of overdressed swimmers is not quickly resolved. The transition from the trackless sands of the desert to the rather crowded sands of Nice should pose no problems for Beau Pipe and his elite squad.

"Get 'em off!" Clouseau and Maigret go into action.

Happy Birthday, Cardinal

Cardinal Godfried Danneels of Belgium turned 80 this week, on Tuesday, June 4th, and we are happy to celebrate his life and achievements here. H/T to Protect the Pope for some relevant information for our little tribute.

Danneels, in the lions' den, addresses a gay pride.

Godfried Danneels has shown sympathy with the "equal marriage" campaign, and firmly rejects Jesus's views that marriage is something involving a man and a woman of opposite sexes. "How can a man not identify with his orientation?" he says. Cardinal, do you really need basic Christianity explained to you?

Which orientation shall we go for today? Hetero- Homo- Bi- Trans- A- or Pan-?

Danneels also says that the French should stop protesting about "gay marriage," and thinks that "The Church has never objected to the fact that there is a sort of 'marriage' between homosexuals." It is not clear what church he is referring to, but clearly it is not the Catholic Church.

Stop protesting? Mais nous sommes français! C'est notre sport national!

Anyway, the Catholic Church in Belgium is truly grateful to you, Cardinal, for all you have done over the years. It now feels more "God-freed" than ever before, as church attendance and pastoral vocation have almost entirely fallen away.

Brussels sprouts - nearly as unpopular as Brussels priests.

President Hollande explains laicity

As President Hollande tightens his grip on France, rejoicing that he is practically the only member of his government who does not yet have a criminal record, he explains to us the principle of laicity.

Empereur Hollande plans his campaign for "le mariage homosexuel."

FH: Eccles, mon vieux! KISS!

E: Please don't do that. It's a bit too French for me.

FH: Eh bien, watch yourself, mon brave, or I shall have to ask M. L'Inspecteur Clouseau to come in and re-educate you with his mighty baton.

Empereur Hollande instructs his elite police force in the best way of tackling demonstrators.

E: Now, votre Majesté, I gather you've been having a little trouble with manifestations against your plans for same-sex marriage?

FH: Nothing serious, Eccles, mon chère ami. A million here, a million there. It's easily dealt with - a little tear gas for the enfants de la patrie, and a few coups de pieds for the adults. Bonus points if you knock down a priest. The sans-culottes of 1789 were fighting for this moment.

E: Of course your country has a good record of protecting children, doesn't it? Wasn't there a little prince called Louis-Charles Capet, whom you bumped off in 1795, at the age of 10?

A dangerous ten-year-old.

FH: Ah yes, one of the high points of the Revolution. I've always felt that this was a particular moment of la gloire de la France. And now we are working towards another great moment.

E: What moment would that be, Sire?

FH: Equal marriage! No longer will we be constrained by morality, common sense or decency! Mes citoyens will be able to marry whoever they like, whenever they like. Family life - who needs it?

E: Well, not you, evidently. I gather that Ségolène wasn't Royal enough for you, and you ran off with Denis Trierweiler's wife instead?

I've realised that you're not Royal enough for me.

FH: Of course! L'état, c'est moi, as I always say.

E: You must be very proud when your police force assaults unarmed priests, whose only fault is that they object to your legislation?

FH: Yes, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Vive la France! Vive la laïcité! Vive les perversions!

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour! The garçons en bleu bravely assault a monk.

(The full video is here.)