* It is all the fault of traditional worshippers who have inexplicably become critical of Pope Francis since TC was issued. * Even though TC was intended as a conciliatory way of getting rid of the TLM and its fans. * Latin is a dead language, so Caveat Emptor and Quod erat demonstrandum! as we say in Batley. * It is forbidden to advertise TLMs in the church bulletin. * In fact attending one is a mortal sin, far worse than abortion or LGBT stuff (which we rather approve of anyway). * Liturgical dancing is encouraged, and I am available for skating demonstrations for those churches equipped with ice-rinks. * Can I have my red hat now, love*?*A traditional Yorkshire way of addressing anyone from the pope downwards.
* No previous evidence of competence necessary. In fact it's a handicap. * Points are won by supporting LGBT issues, Nancy Pelosi, or the Synodal Path to cutting the Church into heretical pieces.In next month's news - how Fr James Martin LGBTSJ became a cardinal.
Trouble at Ambridge.
Brother Bosco of the Calumny Chapel: Brothers, we is Wheat and everyone else is Dranel! Altogether now, raise your arms in the air and shout: "You is not saved, only we is saved!" And especially the Cathlics with their Babylonian fish hats, their cannibalism, and their costume holy men, they is very unsaved! For those of us what knows Jesus personally, He says to us "Brother Bosco, you is Wheat, my son, and you has a golden crown waiting for you when you pops off to the Glassy Sea. While the Pope and his Cradinals is going to the Lake of Fire!" Hallelujah! And now, Hymn 94, "Oh what fun it is to be saved!"
You is not saved, only Bosco is saved.
Father Dan Brown SJ: Today's gospel about the wheat and the darnel is based on a parable written by Mary Magdalene, the wife of Jesus, and the first Pope, who wore a dalmatic and taught God all He knows. Its message is that we are the wheat, and those who disagree with us are the darnel, the haters, who don't know the first thing about discernment. By the way, have you got your copy of my new book "Bridge-it James's Diary", or "The Jesuit guide to sexual relationships"? You haven't? Then you too are a hater!
Renowned Jesuit Jacques Martin staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.
Father Laudatosi: In the reading today, we see the perils of ignoring the environment. Somehow, genetically-modified seeds were mixed with the original organic low-fat gluten-free vegan-friendly non-carcinogenic unleaded wheat, and as a consequence the Earth will be destroyed by climate change! As Pope Francis has told us, there is only one solution - study the spiritual enneagram and practise your circle dancing!
Some non-alcoholic salt-free unisex circle dancing.
The Reverend Alfred Narcolepsy M.A.: Today my typewriter crashed, so at the last minute I borrowed some ideas from the nineteenth-century sermons of the Reverend Chedediah Somnifer M.A. Now, the parable of the wheat and tares is of great relevance to us in this age of uncertainty. With Napoleon having escaped from Elba, and heading for Paris, vowing to "make France great again", we may think of the French army as sowing destruction among us. Now, what would Jesus have done? I think He would have backed the Duke of Wellington to rip up the tares. However, we cannot be sure that He would have endorsed the Earl of Liverpool's pledge to return us to the gold standard! Cano in pluvia as every schoolboy knows!
"This looks like a good place to plant some tares!"
Bev the Rev: Hey! A funny thing happened to me on the way to the church. I was walking past a cornfield when I decided to dance in it, just as David danced before the Lord! But Farmer Giles shouted at me, "Oi! Get out of my cornfield, fatso!" Men are such sexists! I think that's the true meaning of the parable of the wheat and tares, don't you? And my glove-puppet thinks so too, don't you, Bottley?
Pope Francis, with a trusted adviser.
Fr Antonio Spiderman SJ: Stuff this for a lark! I hate you all.
From luigi@gammarelli.com
Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father, given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.
Pope Francis displays his new vestments.
From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk
Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what! If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.
Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!
From festing@maltese.double-cross.org
You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.
Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.
From spadaro@vatican.com
Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)
From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org
Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!
Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.
From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org
Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin' before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.
From mueller@vatican.com
Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk. Gerhard.
The pope's fool, er spokesman, Fr Antonio Spadaro.
Now, the old "traddy" answer to the five dubia would have been "NO, YES, YES, YES, YES," but that's not the way that Jesuits answer questions,
so we have five rather fuller answers. Just to keep you on your toes, Spadaro the Holy Father has put his answers in a random order.
Q1. It's not easy to discern the answer to this one. Start by asking yourself: are you in Germany? For the answer will be different.
Ve ask ze qvestions!
Q2. Well, yes and no. Or to put it another way, no and yes. Which doesn't mean that I don't have an answer, just that you haven't asked the right question.
Q3. Let me answer this question with another question. Why don't you go away and stop bothering me? You may think Malta is a come-down but remember Napoleon was sent to St Helena. Know what I mean, Ray?
Cardinal Burke reflects on his new appointment.
Q4. It's a definite "maybe" to this one.
Q5. If you answer yes or no, then you deny your own Buddha-nature. However, according to the hermeneutic of confusion, you may answer "Mu". Or, in Italian, "Cosi Cosa".
Your special subject for Mastermind was "Catholic doctrine", and you passed on 5 questions.
I hope that this puts an end to all the unseemly Catholic bickering. Roma locuta est, causa finita est, as my rigid friends would say.
The Vatican!
"So, Watson, we have been called in to investigate how the Vatican City, which numbers a mere 840 people, managed to attract 42,000 signatures for an online petition demanding a second EU referendum."
"But Holmes, why do they want another referendum, anyway?"
"Really, Watson, that is childishly simple. They got an answer they did not like, so naturally they wanted to run the vote again. But we are faced here with the interesting case of the Sockpuppets of the Vatican."
"But the Vatican, Holmes? Is this not a crime that one associates more with dens of iniquity such as North Korea or Chiswick?"
Holmes nodded his assent, took out his violin, and played some haunting selections from the works of Paul Inwood. I hurriedly fled into another room, knowing that I could do nothing about my friend's addiction to bad music.
"Now, Lorenzo, here is the list of sockpuppet accounts that you asked for."
When all was peaceful again, I had a suggestion to make.
"Could it be the doing of Cardinal Baldisseri?" I asked. "He is an experienced manipulator of synods, and maybe he has moved into other forms of chicanery."
"I think not, Watson. His hands are full with another matter. Following requests that the last papal conclave be re-run, on the grounds that the St Gallen Mafia had fixed it, he has been masterminding his own response.
Indeed, a giant petition signed by 42,000 cardinals - some with previously unknown names such as Cardinal Eccles, Cardinal Custard and Cardinal Biggles - has expressed its complete and utter faith in the election of Pope Francis. Baldisseri has had no time for other activities."
Another suspect?
I then suggested that Emeritus Pope Benedict, who had retired from the Chair of St Peter, expressing the wish to spend more time in "praying, tweeting and checking up on spiritually nourishing blogs", might have a hand in the sockpuppetry.
"I did indeed consider him as a possible suspect," agreed Holmes. "After telegraphing to my agents in Bavaria, I even discovered that 'Benedict' is not his real name, and that he is known to his oldest friends as 'Holy Joe'. However, he was definitely otherwise engaged when the crime was committed. No, he is not the Napoleon of Crime that we seek."
Meanwhile, the word "Napoleon" had triggered something in Holmes's mind. "Watson, this is definitely a three-prayer problem. Leave me in peace to meditate in St Peter's Basilica - you will recognise it by the moving picture about monkeys playing on the outside - and we shall see if divine inspiration arrives."
After a restful doze through a three-hour sermon from Cardinal Kasper on "Why fornication is the new marriage", Holmes had a new suspect.
Fr Napoleon Rosica? Surely not!
"No, that's impossible," he said. "Surely there must be some other explanation..."
"And for spiritual nourishment you can't do better than reading Eccles's blog."
E: Good to see see you, Kirill. I gather you had a very successful meeting with Pope Francis.
K: Yes, we found that we had so much in common. For example, the Catholic Church is under pressure from liberals who want to introduce "gay masses", and so are we in the Russian Orthodox Church. There's this appalling Archbishop called Vinkentii Nikolskii, in the Diocese of West Minsk. If he ever became Supreme Patriarch, we might as well remove the word "Orthodox" from our title.
E: I gather that some of your Orthodox liberals want to ordain Matriarchs?
K: You're probably thinking of Professor Kristina Beatii, Eccles. Her feminist notions are totally off the scale: her devotion to the Virgin Mary is very commendable, but she seems to have trouble with all the male characters in the Bible.
E: She writes for Tabla, doesn't she?
The Tabla staff after an acrimonious editorial meeting.
K: I won't have the rag in my house, Eccles. Under Katarina Pepinskaya it has become the paper for those who want to ferment rebellion and dissent.
E: It is good of you to speak so frankly, your patriarchship.
K: Well, the last interview I gave was to a 103-year-old atheist journalist called Scalfarii, who told me "Don't bother to say anything, Kyrill, I'm going to make it all up anyway." I expect you will do much better.
E: Well, I hope so, sir. It was actually quite difficult for me to get to see you, what with that burly man on the door screaming "You're blocked" at all-comers. Father Rositskii, was it? He said he worked for the Siberian "Salt Mines" conglomerate.
K: I believe he's some sort of actor. Didn't I see him in the new production of War and Peace? Just ignore him.
Napoleon, as seen in "War and Peace".
E: Patriarch Kirill, thank you very much. Stay saved.
Empereur Hollande plans his campaign for "le mariage homosexuel."
FH: Eccles, mon vieux! KISS!
E: Please don't do that. It's a bit too French for me.
FH: Eh bien, watch yourself, mon brave, or I shall have to ask M. L'Inspecteur Clouseau to come in and re-educate you with his mighty baton.
Empereur Hollande instructs his elite police force in the best way of tackling demonstrators.
E: Now, votre Majesté, I gather you've been having a little trouble with manifestations against your plans for same-sex marriage?
FH: Nothing serious, Eccles, mon chère ami. A million here, a million there. It's easily dealt with - a little tear gas for the enfants de la patrie, and a few coups de pieds for the adults. Bonus points if you knock down a priest. The sans-culottes of 1789 were fighting for this moment.
E: Of course your country has a good record of protecting children, doesn't it? Wasn't there a little prince called Louis-Charles Capet, whom you bumped off in 1795, at the age of 10?
A dangerous ten-year-old.
FH: Ah yes, one of the high points of the Revolution. I've always felt that this was a particular moment of la gloire de la France. And now we are working towards another great moment.
E: What moment would that be, Sire?
FH: Equal marriage! No longer will we be constrained by morality, common sense or decency! Mes citoyens will be able to marry whoever they like, whenever they like. Family life - who needs it?
E: Well, not you, evidently. I gather that Ségolène wasn't Royal enough for you, and you ran off with Denis Trierweiler's wife instead?
I've realised that you're not Royal enough for me.
FH: Of course! L'état, c'est moi, as I always say.
E: You must be very proud when your police force assaults unarmed priests, whose only fault is that they object to your legislation?
FH: Yes, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Vive la France! Vive la laïcité! Vive les perversions!
Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour! The garçons en bleu bravely assault a monk.
(The full video is here.)
Snowball the pig, star of Animal Farm.
Today we are pleased to be able to print an abridged version of the Telegraph blog by Snowball the pig, winner of the prestigious Orwell prize for his role in Animal Farm and his pioneering slogan about marriage: One man bad, two men better!
What cheek! Vincent Nichols invoked the spectre of an Orwellian, totalitarian state in his Christmas Day sermon, when he referred to the Government's attempts to bring in same-sex marriage. Christmas is a time for preaching a message of love and sex, for getting drunk and watching The Wizard of Oz on the television, and for wearing red hats with white trimmings. It is NOT a time for talking about morals, for trying to explain good and evil, or for mentioning controversial figures like Christ.
If Vincent Nichols had merely done what most priests do on Christmas Day: talked in vague terms about Father Christmas, and elves, and perhaps told us what Christmas presents he'd received, then nobody would have taken any notice. But he deliberately outraged non-Christians by taking a moral stand.
My partner, Napoleon, agrees with me.
What makes it more outrageous is that the Pope is an ex-Nazi - yes, he is, he is, he was a personal friend of Hitler, I tell you. That alone should stop him from condemning totalitarianism, fascism, dictators, or anything else. Bog off back to your bunker, Ratzinger, what makes you think you have any authority? Did you get an Orwell prize like me, or Polly Toynbee, or even Johann Hari?
The Pope, in the uniform of the Hitler youth, does a Nazi salute.
Well, that's put the Catholic church in its place - as the paramilitary wing of the National Socialists - so let me drone on a bit about Clause 28, that infamous piece of legislation which said that every day schools had to conduct a compulsory Two Minutes Hate for homosexuals. My own school didn't do this - in fact, they didn't mention homosexuality at all, except in geometry lessons, where some of the diagrams taught me how to find a loving life with another man.
Clause 28 banned diagrams like this, which taught me about sex.
Gosh, we had enough trouble reducing the age of consent to 16. You may say that boys of 16 aren't ready for sex, but of course the person they have sex with is often a fat man 20 years older, and he's not only ready, he's dying for it! Anyway, we won that battle, and now we're ready for the final battle - the complete take-over of marriage.
The Archbishop's relentless campaign - which lasted all of ten minutes - makes me more determined that the change must come. As I'm typing this I can hear the howling winds, still, loudly outside my window; the waves crash onto the shore, and the rocks on the beach are slowly worn down. Which is very odd, as I'm in a padded cell in London. I think I need more medication. Nurse!
Beasts of England, Beasts of Ireland...
Some poeple say dat dis is a gravven image, but it's OK provided you doesnt kiss it, and dere aint much chance of dat. It sure is a good likeness of my handdsome bruvver Bosco.
Bosco offerred to put on a blue dress, but dey said a man wiv a clown face wasnt gonna look much like Mary, whereas he alreddy looked like de back end of a donkkey.
Anti Moly feels very left out. Even dough she aint relligiuos she does take a grate interrest in dese matters, and allways wants to stick her ore in. Howevver, de Gopsell of Luke dont mentoin an old lady wot kept cryin out "Woefull," "Sockpoppet," and "Wheres de gin?" so we is a bit stuck. Bosco said we cuold write in a part for Haddach, de comic Anti of Mary, to get a few laughs, since we in de Calumny Chappel adds bits to de Bibble and deletes bits when we feels like it. But Pastor Al Shehperd refused to allow it.
"I is also a grate freind of my Bishopp," explaned Farver Arfur, "cos I keeps phonin him up and tellin him dat he has offended against de Catacoms of de Churhc, specificaly Articles 2477, 3142, 6666, 2718281828, and 1111122222 to 1111177777 inclussive."
"Does you see him in de Cathedrall?" asked Bosco. "I spose he's got a Babble-onion fish hat, cos he aint saved like me."
"Yup, and he has got a specail place for me, dat I sits on when I goes to the Cathedrall."
"Gosh, you has got your own throan, den?"
"Nope, de Bishopp calls it de nuaghty step, and he says I gotta sit dere until I learns to behhave in a more Chritsian fashoin. Dat's a wicked act on his part, we experts calls it de sin of Diffraction."
So it is definittely a mysterry whevver Farver Arfur and de escapped loony is one and de same. Here is a recent pitcher of our freind rellaxin in his spare set of clothes dat he wears when he aint bein a cosstume hollyman.
He is plannin to go to Moscow some time, I fink. It aint bad except in de winter.
