Je suis Capet

Today, January 21st, is the anniversary of the murder in 1793 of Louis Auguste de France, King Louis XVI, known to his enemies as Citoyen Louis Capet. Curiously, the poor man had not been drawing cartoons of Mohammed, and was not killed by Islamic terrorists. Possibly, he had been sketching Robespierre, and in any case it was the secular state that bears responsibility for his death. That basically means the chaps who are in power now.

Louis XVI.

I tried to contact President "Flanby" Hollande via his Twitter account @fhollande, to ask him for details of today's "Je suis Capet" march in memory of his dead king, but he did not reply. Probably, he was out on his motorbike, chasing some morceau sur le côté as the French so poetically put it. If he comes back to me on this, I'll let you know.

"Je suis Louis. Vous êtes Marie Antoinette, si vous voulez."

Ah yes, his widow, Marie Antoinette, who was killed 9 months later. Her son, Louis XVII of France, was murdered two years later, at the age of ten. This, the French assure us, is called Liberté, égalité, fraternité, and therefore a GOOD THING. Mind you, they have a national anthem which is all about filling up ditches with impure blood, so what do they know?

Marie Antoinette probably never said "Let them eat cake," or even "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche." I suspect that what the good lady preferred was Eccles cakes. Can it be any coincidence that James Birch's shop on the corner of Vicarage Road in Eccles began selling small, flat, raisin-filled cakes in 1793, the same year that Louis and Marie-Antoinette were killed? I rest my cake, er, case.

Waiting for an Eccles cake!

Back to Louis XVI. He was a good Catholic, and was described as a martyr by Pope Pius VI. Perhaps he should be canonized, but this seems unlikely to happen now. Unless Pope Francis takes another aeroplane trip and slips in an off-the-cuff canonization: yes, that could easily happen. You read it here first.

J.S. Capet Eccles.

President Hollande explains laicity

As President Hollande tightens his grip on France, rejoicing that he is practically the only member of his government who does not yet have a criminal record, he explains to us the principle of laicity.

Empereur Hollande plans his campaign for "le mariage homosexuel."

FH: Eccles, mon vieux! KISS!

E: Please don't do that. It's a bit too French for me.

FH: Eh bien, watch yourself, mon brave, or I shall have to ask M. L'Inspecteur Clouseau to come in and re-educate you with his mighty baton.

Empereur Hollande instructs his elite police force in the best way of tackling demonstrators.

E: Now, votre Majesté, I gather you've been having a little trouble with manifestations against your plans for same-sex marriage?

FH: Nothing serious, Eccles, mon chère ami. A million here, a million there. It's easily dealt with - a little tear gas for the enfants de la patrie, and a few coups de pieds for the adults. Bonus points if you knock down a priest. The sans-culottes of 1789 were fighting for this moment.

E: Of course your country has a good record of protecting children, doesn't it? Wasn't there a little prince called Louis-Charles Capet, whom you bumped off in 1795, at the age of 10?

A dangerous ten-year-old.

FH: Ah yes, one of the high points of the Revolution. I've always felt that this was a particular moment of la gloire de la France. And now we are working towards another great moment.

E: What moment would that be, Sire?

FH: Equal marriage! No longer will we be constrained by morality, common sense or decency! Mes citoyens will be able to marry whoever they like, whenever they like. Family life - who needs it?

E: Well, not you, evidently. I gather that Ségolène wasn't Royal enough for you, and you ran off with Denis Trierweiler's wife instead?

I've realised that you're not Royal enough for me.

FH: Of course! L'état, c'est moi, as I always say.

E: You must be very proud when your police force assaults unarmed priests, whose only fault is that they object to your legislation?

FH: Yes, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Vive la France! Vive la laïcité! Vive les perversions!

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour! The garçons en bleu bravely assault a monk.

(The full video is here.)