Pope Francis agrees to forgive Jesus

In his homily for the Feast of the Holy Family, Pope Francis had this to say:

Instead of returning home with his family, he stayed in Jerusalem, in the Temple, causing great distress to Mary and Joseph who were unable to find him. For this little "escapade", Jesus probably had to beg forgiveness of his parents. The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

"Now, about your Guardian articles, Father Fraser..."

Clearly Pope Francis has forgiven Our Lord for "going about His Father's business", and in this Year of Mercy it is only right that a truly humble Pope should point out God's sins and try to forgive them. No previous Pope has even dared to try.

Another famous sin that only Pope Francis can forgive was the drowning of the Gerasene (or Gadarene) Swine. You will recall that there was a man possessed by demons - probably he led a fulfilling lifestyle as an alternative comedian on Radio 4, with a huge Twitter following - and his demons were driven out into the pigs, and thence into the sea.

Jesus cureth the alternative comedian.

For a long time after, Farmer Giles wondered what had happened to his pigs, but did he receive any apology - let alone compensation - from Jesus? I think not. It is time for Pope Francis, on behalf of the entire Catholic Church, to forgive Jesus's thoughtless actions.

On another occasion Jesus drove people out of the Temple with a whip of knotted cords - whenever anyone says "What would Jesus do?" this is certainly an answer I like to give. The Bible says the people were selling pigeons and changing money, but it is likely that they were also doing even more heinous things.

"Luckily he hasn't seen that we're also selling copies of the Tablet!"

Jesus was obliged to apologise for losing his temper in this way. In the immortal words of Pope Francis: The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

Having, in his short reign, attacked the entire Catholic Church, from the Curia downwards, Pope Francis is naturally anxious to reconstruct God in his own image, and we look forward to reading more stories of the Holy Father mercifully forgiving God's sins over the next few months.

The Pope warns of Climate Change

Now that climate change is generally agreed to be the greatest threat facing the world, rather than, say, war, famine, disease, abortion, etc., Pope Francis is making this the topic of his next encyclical, of which we have seen a draft copy. Here are some of the highlights.

"We'll need a bigger ark," says Noah.

In the book of Genesis it is recorded that God punished the world for its enormous carbon footprint by sending down a great flood. Noah was the only righteous (i.e., environmentally-aware) person around at that time, and he survived the great flood by making an ark out of recycled wood; being keen on biodiversity he took two of every species with him, except possibly dinosaurs and unicorns.

Our climate model predicts a plague of at least one frog.

Over to Egypt now, and the many different forms of climate change that arose from the Pharaoh's insistence on fossil fuels. Water turned to blood, flies, frogs, hail, fire and thunder. Sounds familiar, eh? Things got worse, though. The Red Sea was parted, and this was all because the Egyptians refused to recycle their plastic bags.

Jericho - no wind-farms, and inevitable climate change effects.

As Christians we know that 100-watt bulbs are sinful, and that wind-farms are blessed. It is our mission to preach this gospel to the heathen, or face the environmental consequences, as they did in Jericho.

In April I was lucky to entertain some of the world's leading experts on climate change, as they turned up in their private jets from all corners of the world to tell me of Christ's new message "GET THEE BEHIND ME, CARBON!" Remember the fate of the Gadarene swine? The climate changed, and they had to run into the sea to cool. themselves down.

Jesus and the man possessed by demons (what we would nowadays call a "climate denier").

Finally, we read of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, symbolising the doom we may expect at the end times. Their names were Phew-what-a-scorcha, It's-Brrr-itain, Turned-out-nice-today, and Scattered-Showers-With-Sunny-Intervals. St John was warning us of the threat of Climate Change, and no mistake!

I want you all to pedal very hard to get this plane off the ground.

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'

The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.

I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."