* fascist, alt-right, Trumpist, racist; * homophobic, transphobic, claustrophobic; * expected to cause climate change: it has already killed off all Rome's polar bears; * beloved of Burke, Sarah, Müller, Pell, and all the other loonies who used to be your friends;and so on. Then you can go ahead with it. One top tip is to replace Cardinal Sarah at the Congregation of Divine Worship with his deputy, bluff Yorkshireman Friar (Arthur) Tuck. You've never been able to understand a word he says, but you're fairly sure that he hates Latin ("ee, tha's a poncey southern language!") so he will help you implement Romanes Eunt Domus, and take the blame if it all goes wrong. Make him a cardinal so that you can keep an eye on him.
Bergoglio Minor! Et - and. Ne - with the subjunctive, a negative imperative. Nos - we, us. Inducas - subjunctive of induco, lead in, bring in. In - when it takes the accusative, into. Tentationem - accusative, temptation. What does that give us? "Do not abandon us to temptation", Sir? No, boy! Bend over! THWACK! It means "do not lead us into temptation". THWACK! Ouch! Yarooh! Chiz.
"He said 'pax tecum' to Fr Tommy!" "Eeek!" "You've done it as well!" "Mea culpa!" "Aaaaaggggh!" "Hey, stop speaking Latin, there are young people present! We don't want it as a lingua franca!" "Help! Mommy!" "Now you're doing it! You'll be a persona non grata!" "Urrrrgggghhh...!" "Tommy's gone into a coma. Give him the kiss of life, someone! Look, don't all rush at once! Ten minutes each."At that point we lost the phone connection. So, I never did complete my liturgical discussions with Fr Tommy.
Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill toward men. We praise you, thank you, we adore you, we glorify you, Thank you for your glory; Lord God, heavenly King Father Almighty.Which looks distinctly wonky.
"When's Climate Change turning up?"
Celebrate ad orientem. Celebrating versus populum obviously increases the risk that the priest may catch something from the coughing congregation, and should be suspended.
Use only Latin. Try saying something liturgical in Latin, and then try saying the same thing in Vernacular. You will see that when speaking Latin your mouth does not open so widely, and thus the risk of transmitting and receiving germs is reduced. Those traditionalists knew a thing or two!
99% of doctors say NO to holding hands for the "Our Father".
Avoid bad hymns. Scientific studies have shown that singing "Gather us in," "Lord of the Dance," "Kumbayah," or "Shine, Jesus, Shine" puts a strain on the vocal muscles, as well as the brain, and makes one more susceptible to viruses. Safest of all is Gregorian chant, which can mostly be sung with the mouth closed.
No more sign of peace. I was lucky this morning, in that the choir belted into the Agnus Dei very quickly, and only two people
had a chance to share their germs with me (three more were left fuming, as I switched off my friendly expression and tried looking pious instead).
In general, a simple handshake can transmit 100000000000000000000000 bugs, so be warned. Grinning distantly is safest, but kicking your
opponent neighbour will also work if he insists on physical contact.
"Peace be with you."
Wear earmuffs. This will protect you against bad doctrine in the homily far better than handwash and a face mask would.
Remove all pests from the church. Traditionally, illnesses have been transmitted by pests. So clear your church of all rats, spiders, Jesuits, and anything else that may carry disease.
Ban dancing. Bad news for Tagle, the Dancing Cardinal, but it's obvious that prancing around like a teenager in a disco is going to spread germs widely. So stop!
Spot the ninny. (Hint: they are all ninnies.)
Stay at home and watch it on television. Yes but, as I have explained before, this will only allow you to watch Heaven on television, rather than attend in person. So don't do it for very long.
Capilla ardentia.
Your hair is on fire.
Nescivi mantillas combustibiles esse.
I didn't know that mantillas were inflammable.
Infans cines.
I told you not to give a candle to your child.
Iacite aquam sanctam!
Throw some holy water over him.
Novem novem novem.
Fire brigade? We have a problem.
"Must be Candlemas again."
It is hard to believe that, until about 50 years ago, it was considered socially acceptable to get "high" on Latin. For example, Vincenzo Gioacchino Raffaele Luigi Pecci, a leading writer of the 19th century, wrote a successful memoir Confessions of a Latin-speaker, in which he admitted that he had been obtaining spiritual experiences through the use of Latin Masses, and even softer drugs such as the Rosary, Veneration, and even simple prayers.
Rumours that Pecci also experimented with Bovril are probably exaggerated.
In the 1960s there was a long-overdue clampdown on Latin, and the Spirit of Vatican II (if not the actual congress itself) drove use of it underground. Of course there were always hippies who continued to indulge in it, and we all remember Woodstock, that great open-air Latin Mass of 1969, featuring such bands as Gloria in Excelsis, Credo, and Agnus Dei.
However, it was generally agreed that the use of Latin Masses could severely cut one's time in Purgatory, and - in Catholic circles at least - spiritual experiences were frowned upon. Too fit in with the Zeitgeist (German for "Spirit of Vatican II"), it was necessary to root ones worship in more secular rituals, such as the Sign of Peace, the use of clowns and puppets, liturgical dancing, and of course hymns that were indistinguishable from pop songs.
Laudato sing-songs for tree-huggers!
But there is a problem!
Yes, I was coming to that. Although it is fiercely denied by bishops, priests, school chaplains, and the like, the "yoof" of today are beginning to experiment with Extraordinary Forms once more. A few sample comments from young people whom we interviewed:
"Until I tried the older form, I hadn't realised that Mass was all about God. I thought the highlight was supposed to be the Sign of Peace, as that's the point at which people started getting interested."
"This Gregorian chant is COOL. Can we get Gregory to write some more?"
"Call me 'rigid' if you must, Pope Francis, dude, but I'm hooked!"
One of the warning signs of Latin abuse - a mantilla!
What is the solution?
Of course it is the duty of every Catholic to drive the Latin Mass underground. Although that liberal pope, Benedict XVI, made it easier to get access to Latin, there are still many reliable bishops who will tell you, "It's still illegal!" And there are priests who argue "Get lost, there's no demand for an Extraordinary Form Mass. And you're the 50th person I've had to turn away today!"
Make it a thing to be ashamed about. "Yes, your grandparents experimented with such substances - even your ancestors did for hundreds of years - but we modernists know better than they did, just as Pope Francis's Magisterium is better than anything the previous Popes and Doctors of the Church taught!"
No, the only safe way to worship is in Vernacular. So if you're in Swansea it will be Catalan, or if in Barcelona it will be Welsh. Because Vernacular is a very useful language - nearly as important as Italian, the language preferred by great thinkers such as Bergoglio, Spadaro, Faggioli, Coccopalmerio... Whoever wrote anything worth reading in Latin or Greek?
Hands up, everyone who wants to look "with it"!
It is the "yoof" who are the problem. We invite them to World Yoof Day, where they can sing and dance, celebrating Mass with plastic cups and watching bishops acting like pantomime dames; but they will insist on looking for something deeper.
We're not worried about the older Latin junkies - who cares what they think, and anyway they're going to die off. No, it is the "yoof" that need protecting, and that means "NO LATIN".
Where are the police? Why aren't they doing something? Doesn't it count as a hate crime to use Latin?
Protect our kids, and ban this book!
Do you renounce all that happened in the Catholic Church prior to the 1960s?
We do.
Do you renounce all that stuff in the Bible written by bronze-age goat-herds, in particular the four Gospels, which obviously need updating for modern secular Catholicism?
We do.
A bronze-age goat-herd learns that he is simply not up-to-date.
Do you believe in the Spirit of Vatican II, who came upon us and told us to preach many new and exciting things which were beyond the wildest dreams of those who were actually present at the Second Vatican Council?
We do.
Do you believe in those Saints of Modernism, Annibale Bugsbunni, Carlo Maria Spartini, and Basil the Lofty (who some say is not just an old bearded man in the sky, but alive and resting in a bothy somewhere in Sutherland).
We do.
"What's up, Doc?" asks Annibale Bugsbunni.
Do you believe in the blessed Hans Kong, he who has written 295 books telling the Catholic Church why they are not saved and only he is saved?
We do. O Worship the Kong.
At this point the congregation will light their Hans Kong candles.
Do you believe in the blessed Professor Tina Beastie, the world's leading expert on human flourishing and avant-garde post-modern neo-liberal Catholic doctrine?
We do. Wonderful woman.
Surely "from long-windedy Beatties"?
Do you praise the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter and all other organs of liberal Catholicism?
We praise them. Of course we don't actually read them.
Do you renounce all the orthodox Catholic blogs, such as Protect the Deacon, What did the Pope really say?, The Hermit of Continuity, and Father Ray Bloke?
Verily, they are a thorn in our side.
Nasty traddies seeking to prevent dialogue in the Church.
We now come to some ACTA-specific vows. Do you live in fear?
We live in fear.
What do you want?
We want dialogue!
When do you want it?
Well, now would be a good time to have a chat with the bishop, although it seems that he's blessing the lesbian knitting circle this afternoon, and then he's got a joint service with the Freemasons, and we mustn't forget that he's conducting a circle-dancing class this evening...
Finally, some vows of modernism. Do you renounce Latin, a language spoken by Nero and Caligula (here he may name other famous nasties who spoke Latin)?
We do.
Do you swear always to worship God in English, except when we have joint services with the local Maharashtran community, when we may have a Mass conducted partly in the Marathi dialect, for convenience?
आम्ही करू.
पवित्र जिव्हाळ्याचा परिचय एक विलक्षण मंत्री (An extraordinary minister of Holy Communion).
Do you abjure Gregorian chant, hymns written by dead people such as Charles Wesley and John Henry Newman, and any hymns with more than one basic idea in each verse?
We do.
Do you adore the songs of Paul Inwood, the publications of Kevin Mayhew Ltd., and all hymns where you can go "clap clap", "ch-ch" or "fizz-pop" in the chorus?
Yes.
BONG! You said "Yes". That's the end of the game.
+Worth.
In his letter, +Worth issues various threats (called "norms"), explaining "I make these norms out of my pastoral solicitude and care for the students of Fisher-More College, as well as for your own soul."
As a well-regarded arbiter of moral issues, I have been asked, "Is Latin bad for your soul?" So here is some definitive advice on the degrees of sinfulness involved.
Latin or Soul? The great dilemma.
Slightly sinful: using expressions like "e.g.", "i.e.", "Q.E.D." and "R.I.P." in conversation (not realising that they are LATIN). You should certainly mention this at Confession.
Dangerously sinful: deliberately showing off with expressions such as ipso facto or persona non grata. Atone for this by making a pilgrimage on your knees to a holy place such as Fort Worth.
In peril of damnation: attending Mass and using expressions such as Gloria in Excelsis Deo, which God regards as a personal insult. Will probably be excommunicated, just as soon as they've got round to dealing with Enda Kenny.
Damned for all eternity: attending an Extraordinary Form Mass, similar to those celebrated by all Catholics fifty years ago. No hope of being saved!
Pope John XXIII: canonization cancelled after complaints from Bishop Olson.
I hope that helps.
The founder of Wookieleaks speaks out.
For those unaware of the context, the BBC Radio 4 Today Programme has had a series of guest editors this week, chosen for their great wisdom and erudition. On this occasion it was Dr Miley Cyrus, professor of Twerkonomics at the University of Nashville, who nominated St Julian to provide the Alternative-to-thought for the Day. Over to you, Julie!
O God, get me out of this dump!
Catholics!? Dontchahatem?! Always keeping secrets! I know all about this - a Catholic priest dropped into the Ecuadorian Embassy recently, and my hosts said I could interview him once I'd finished dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, fixing a wikileaking tap, and peeling the potatoes. "Father Llamedos," I said. "Tell me what people have been saying to you in the Confessional recently. We have a right to be told, and to publish it on the Internet." To my consternation and disgust, the priest refused to tell me any good gossip. I've heard that many other priests take the same secretive line.
"They've leaked some fascinating confessions here, Holy Father!"
Of course I blame God really. He was going to keep the arrival of Jesus as a surprise, simply publishing the Good News hundreds of years afterwards. Luckily our agents, Isaiah, Jeremiah and Micah, managed to post a warning on the WookieProphet site, forcing the Heavenly authorities to revise their plans. Indeed, when Jesus was born, rather obscurely, in Bethlehem, we managed to leak the news to some shepherds by broadcasting the cryptic message "GLORIA IN EXCELSIS DEO." Although in the end we were unsuccessful, we also did our best to warn King Herod, so that he could have killed Jesus straight away, saving the lives of dozens of children.
The shepherds hear the message of the Assangels.
In more recent times, Catholicism has always been associated with secrecy, whereas Protestantism is the doctrine of freedom. For example, Latin was originally devised by the Romans as a way of keeping their messages secret. "AMO, AMAS, AMAT," they would say, and the common people wouldn't even guess that there was a three-way love affair going on. The Catholics took up the language, and to this day they use Latin Masses as a way of preventing our citizens from empowering themselves. In our Embassy the Masses are mostly in Spanish, Quichua and Shuar, and quite right too. Personally, I have converted to Incaism, which was once an important religion in my country of Ecuador. No Catholicism for me!
"Shine, Viracocha, Shine!" or just Assange at twilight.
Thank you very much, St Julian. You are a beacon of hope that opens the doors to freedom, and a key that lights the path to liberty. And we know you're very popular in Sweden.
It's time to show up the less liberal wing of the Catholic church for what it is - a branch of the Taliban.
Traditionalists Catholics on their way to Mass. That's probably Eccles on the right.
Let us compare the crimes of the Taliban and the Tradiban, and you will see that they are almost identical.
Forced deportation. I attended a Vetus Ordo Mass last week, and the Spirit moved me to a bit of impromptu liturgical dancing. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, twist and shout!" I sang, while the priest was doing something at the altar - I couldn't see what, as he had his back to me and was rudely talking in Latin. All I knew was that he was ignoring my 1960s "Spirit of Vatican II" rock. But what happened? A couple of Tradiban women grabbed me and bundled me into the street. That's the sort of thing they do.
Torture. I force myself to read the New Testament, the Catholic Herald, the Hermeneutic of Continuity blog, and even the Protect the Pope blog. What do I find? Orthodox Catholic doctrine, without a mention of the people's uprising that is to come. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I feel it's my duty to read these reactionary works, and complain about them.
The Tradiban even described the Tablet as corrosive!
Persecution of women. The Tradiban refuses to entertain the thought that next year women will be ordained as priests by the Catholic Church. According to the Tablet, it is inevitable, now that the people's revolution has overthrown Pope Benedict! They prefer to subjugate us, and make sexist remarks to us like "Nice hat you're wearing!" and "Ooh, what a lovely baby you've got!" They hate us if we don't wear mantillas in church - I can tell they hate us, they don't have to say anything.
Prof. Tina Beattie models an alternative to the Tradiban mantilla.
Narcotics trafficking. They're all high on incense, take it from me. I went to a Tradiban Mass and lit up my pipe, as I would do in my usual church, Christ the Küng, and everyone protested, even though the air was already thick with smoke. Evidently, there's a Tradiban plot to monopolize the narcotics market.
All I wanted was a holy smoke.
Well, I think I've made my point. The Tradiban has modelled itself on the Taliban, and we liberal Catholics must fight them!
But I haven't committed any sins this week! Do I have to go to confession?
O'C: So, tell me what you've been doing, Kieran.
K (thinking furiously): Not much this week, Father. Well, I murdered my grandmother, burnt down my school, robbed a bank, and, er, made a golden calf and worshipped it.
An everyday scene in Coventry.
O'C: Now, Kieran, these are made-up sins, aren't they? Your grandmother is sitting in the church at the moment, and I don't believe in any of the other sins you're claiming to have committed.
K: Well, I may have exaggerated slightly, Father.
Another sin?
O'C: Well, let's think of some of the real sins you may have committed, my lad. Your teacher says that you keep talking in Latin lessons, and I noticed you in Mass, rolling your eyes and saying "Ugh! Why isn't this in English?"
K: I hate Latin, Father. Fr Basil Loftus says that we should throw it out, along with the Ten Commandments. He says that stone tablets are out and paper ones are in.
The Ten Commandments plays to an audience of empty cars.
O'C: You don't want to listen to an enfant terrible like Fr Loftus, Kieran. When he gets older he'll become much wiser. Er, maybe.
K: Can I go now?
O'C: No you cannot. Wasn't it you who wrote "THE POPE'S A SILLY BILLY" on the school bike-sheds? Also, your mother says you've been making some very dodgy friends. What's this CRACPOT club that you've joined?
K: Calling Rebels to Action Contrary to the Pope, Orthodoxy and Tradition? Just a gang of outlaws, Father. We like to question everything the Vatican tells us. You know Tina Elizabeth Bottie's only six, but she says she's going to be a priest when she grows up.
Ordain me, or I'll thcweam and thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick. I can, you know.
O'C: Well, drop these dodgy friends at once, Kieran, or I won't be able to grant you absolution.
K: See if I care! I'm going to be a bishop when I grow up. Then I can do what I like.
O'C: You a bishop? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Mea minima culpa!
