Latin abuse amongst young people

The history of the problem.

It is hard to believe that, until about 50 years ago, it was considered socially acceptable to get "high" on Latin. For example, Vincenzo Gioacchino Raffaele Luigi Pecci, a leading writer of the 19th century, wrote a successful memoir Confessions of a Latin-speaker, in which he admitted that he had been obtaining spiritual experiences through the use of Latin Masses, and even softer drugs such as the Rosary, Veneration, and even simple prayers.

Rumours that Pecci also experimented with Bovril are probably exaggerated.

In the 1960s there was a long-overdue clampdown on Latin, and the Spirit of Vatican II (if not the actual congress itself) drove use of it underground. Of course there were always hippies who continued to indulge in it, and we all remember Woodstock, that great open-air Latin Mass of 1969, featuring such bands as Gloria in Excelsis, Credo, and Agnus Dei.

However, it was generally agreed that the use of Latin Masses could severely cut one's time in Purgatory, and - in Catholic circles at least - spiritual experiences were frowned upon. Too fit in with the Zeitgeist (German for "Spirit of Vatican II"), it was necessary to root ones worship in more secular rituals, such as the Sign of Peace, the use of clowns and puppets, liturgical dancing, and of course hymns that were indistinguishable from pop songs.

Laudato sing-songs for tree-huggers!

But there is a problem!

Yes, I was coming to that. Although it is fiercely denied by bishops, priests, school chaplains, and the like, the "yoof" of today are beginning to experiment with Extraordinary Forms once more. A few sample comments from young people whom we interviewed:

"Until I tried the older form, I hadn't realised that Mass was all about God. I thought the highlight was supposed to be the Sign of Peace, as that's the point at which people started getting interested."

"This Gregorian chant is COOL. Can we get Gregory to write some more?"

"Call me 'rigid' if you must, Pope Francis, dude, but I'm hooked!"

One of the warning signs of Latin abuse - a mantilla!

What is the solution?

Of course it is the duty of every Catholic to drive the Latin Mass underground. Although that liberal pope, Benedict XVI, made it easier to get access to Latin, there are still many reliable bishops who will tell you, "It's still illegal!" And there are priests who argue "Get lost, there's no demand for an Extraordinary Form Mass. And you're the 50th person I've had to turn away today!"

Make it a thing to be ashamed about. "Yes, your grandparents experimented with such substances - even your ancestors did for hundreds of years - but we modernists know better than they did, just as Pope Francis's Magisterium is better than anything the previous Popes and Doctors of the Church taught!"

No, the only safe way to worship is in Vernacular. So if you're in Swansea it will be Catalan, or if in Barcelona it will be Welsh. Because Vernacular is a very useful language - nearly as important as Italian, the language preferred by great thinkers such as Bergoglio, Spadaro, Faggioli, Coccopalmerio... Whoever wrote anything worth reading in Latin or Greek?

Hands up, everyone who wants to look "with it"!

It is the "yoof" who are the problem. We invite them to World Yoof Day, where they can sing and dance, celebrating Mass with plastic cups and watching bishops acting like pantomime dames; but they will insist on looking for something deeper.

We're not worried about the older Latin junkies - who cares what they think, and anyway they're going to die off. No, it is the "yoof" that need protecting, and that means "NO LATIN".

Where are the police? Why aren't they doing something? Doesn't it count as a hate crime to use Latin?

Protect our kids, and ban this book!

Don't equate Catholic Voices with violence

Flying back from Kraków, Pope Francis became tired of reading the souvenir magazine, Pole Dancing for Catholics, so he stood up and gave yet another impromptu off-the-cuff press briefing. This was instantly seized on as either a fundamental change to Catholic teaching or yet another non-event, depending on whether you read the Tablet or else some of the Catholic papers.

"I do not like it when people associate Catholic Voices with violence," asserted the Holy Father. "I know that Austen Ivereigh is greatly feared in Catholic circles, but he is basically a peace-loving man, even if he does occasionally come out with statements about Islam that would turn Damian Thompson's hairpiece white."

Francis (protected by a barrier) "reaches out" to Dr Ivereigh.

Every day we read in our newspapers, or see on television, signs of people being intimidated by Catholic Voices. The amazing Caroline Farrow, who has spoken out on Catholic issues on so many television and radio programmes that we have lost count - these include Strictly Come Dancing, Match of the Day, and even Midsomer Murders - can reduce a secularist to a quivering heap of jelly in 30 seconds flat. Even the Archbishop of Corby hides under the baked bean shelves at ASDA when he hears Mrs Farrow on the radio.

However, Pope Francis claims that such people are essentially peaceful. "Take Greg Daly," he said. "Yes, do take him. He tells me he's the only man in the world who understands the Irish question, and occasionally people have fallen into a coma when he tried to explain it to them. But people can fall into comas for other reasons, you know, and one should not blame Catholic Voices for that."

Young people playing Pokémon Go manage to miss the Pope entirely.

In another announcement, Pope Francis commented on the success of World Youth Day. "From now on, we're going to have similar smaller-scale events in every town in the civilised world. They will take place on Sunday mornings, mostly, and involve much smaller gatherings of Catholics for Mass. Obviously, I can't be everywhere, so I am appointing a group of deputies to do the 'Hey, I'm the big superstar' bit. I've even thought of a catchy name for them - priests!"

Here we think Pope Francis may - for once - have gone a little too far.

Welcome to World Oldie Day

As a special concession to Catholics who have passed the age of 30 and thus no longer feel that they count as "yoof", Pope Francis has agreed to institute a World Oldie Day. Since Kraków, the site of World Youth Day, is obviously too exciting a place, it has been agreed to hold the event in Eastbourne, where the population's average age is already over 70.

Listening attentively to Pope Francis.

Said one oldie, Fred Methuselah, 95, "I no longer feel able to enjoy the benefits of World Youth Day, including standing in a muddy field in the pouring rain with a large crowd, participating in special liturgical abuses such as obtaining my Communion from a vending machine, or even taking part in mysterious Jesuit events called "Ignatian experiments"; the W.O.D. is far more to my taste."

Ignatian Experiments.

For many bishops, attending World Youth Day is something of a nightmare, although many of them nobly turn up in order to support the young folk. "We're being very ecumenical in Kraków this year," commented one bishop who was putting a brave face on things. "They've got that young chap, Cliff Richard, doing a gig. This is what really appeals to the youth of today."

Bishops Dancing at WYD in Rio.

"Still," he continued, "it is embarrassing for someone in their 70s to be cavorting around like a teenager. I've been told that the WOD in Eastbourne will have none of that, merely an evening of liturgical ballroom dancing at the Kieran Conry Dance Hall, for those who really want it. Or there's Catholic Bingo: Laudato Si', 23! Letter from Joseph Shaw, 44! We're all off to Heaven, 67!"

Said one deacon, "One tradition that we're keeping is that of getting a flashmob of people dressed as nuns to do wild dances. We don't expect the over-80s to take part in this (except perhaps for the ever-youthful Cardinal Cormac), but some of us in our 40s and 50s can still 'groove it', as the saying goes."

Some of these could be mistaken for real nuns!

If you can't make it to WYD, then do join us at WOD! You can book through Saga Holidays.

World Pope Competition

As most of our readers will know, the Catholic Church has abandoned the old method of choosing its pope - whereby a lot of old men sat in a smoke-filled room trading insults for several days - in favour of a new competition in which the candidates battle it out in pairs. Brazil has been hosting the current competition, which started with the World Youth Day in 2013 and has been carrying on ever since.

The finalists, from Argentina and Germany.

The British did very badly in the competition. Keith O'Brien from Scotland failed to qualify - indeed he was accused of foul play - and England's Vincent Nichols was eliminated at an early stage when it was discovered that he had very few goals, and was incapable of saving.

Vincent Nichols: "a disappointing performance".

In fact England have not won the competition since 1154, when Pope Adrian IV (Nick Brakespear) took the title after extra time. However, the English always live in hope of a repeat performance, and one often sees the St George's flag being displayed during papal conclaves.

Cardinal Vingt-Trois of France wore this shirt, but failed to win.

The competition was not without incident. Cardinal Suàrez of Uruguay was disqualified for biting his opponent, evidently misunderstanding just what is considered acceptable conduct for the "kiss of peace".

Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina! Farley and Beattie want to see a woman win.

In the semi-finals, Joe Ratzinger (Germany) put seven key doctrinal points past the Archbishop of São Salvador da Bahia (Brazil), whereas George Bergoglio (Argentina) struggled to beat the Metropolitan Bishop of Utrecht (Netherlands) on penalties. The entire universe waits to see who will win the final: will the modern philosophical style of Bergoglio really prove stronger than the traditional dialectic of Ratzinger? As the referee puts it: "Who am I to judge?"

St Charlie Wojtyła (Poland), a previous winner of the title.

Mass for the masses

An organizer of World Youth Day in Rio has apologised for distributing Holy Communion in plastic cups, thereby outraging a number of Catholics who feel that the Mass should be an occasion for reverence.

"With hindsight, we would have done things differently," explained Dom Pedro d'Alvadorez. "For a start, we should really have used coffee rather than wine. After all, we've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil (it's where the nuts come from), and I am sure that the Holy Father would have been delighted to see us advertise our products in this way."

Dom Pedro and Donna Lucia demonstrate the Mass-o-mat^TM.

"We advise future World Youth Days to serve pre-consecrated Holy Communion in a food-and-drink machine," he went on. "Who can doubt that Jesus would have been a fan of fast food, if it had existed in His day?"

Fr John Zuhlsdorf, a leading liturgical expert, was unavailable for comment, having collapsed in an apoplectic fit.

Fr Z. demonstrates the liturgically correct way to drink coffee (rite of Pope Bibit V).

Are you Romaphobic?

Today we deal with a frightening problem in the modern Catholic church - the fact that so many people hate the Tridentine Mass, hate anyone who wants to offer it, and hate those who wish to attend. Yes - this is romaphobic hate crime.

"Rumours of Satanic influence are definitely exaggerated."

It is difficult to understand romaphobia. Certainly there are people who prefer Masses in the Ordinary (vernacular) Form, and they don't all demand puppets, dancing bishops, or guitars. But your true romaphobe doesn't just want to make the OF available to those who prefer it, he or she actually tries to prevent the celebration of the EF.

In serious cases, the romaphobe also tries to suppress the new translation of the Mass, because it is too much like the traditional Latin liturgy. Try whispering "consubstantial" into the ear of a romaphobe deacon, and watch him scream!

A Tablet journalist prepares a hatchet job on the Latin Mass.

The attitude of Pope Francis is still hard to determine. After a successful World Youth Day in Rio, he was buttonholed by journalists and spoke Ex Carpo (which may be translated as "Off the cuff" and is about as far from Ex Cathedra as you can get). It seemed that Pope Francis is still prepared to allow the ordination of Latin-speakers, especially since the Pope Emeritus is there to growl Summorum Pontificum at him.

They called it "JMJ", because the spirit of Jean-Michel Jarre rested upon it.

So, what is to be done about the modern Catholic Church, which has been described as "Institutionally Romaphobic"? The solution is surely to convoke a new Council, "Vatican III", with the object of discovering exactly how much was agreed by Vatican II, and how much was made up later by people who should have known better. It doesn't need to be a big Council - and please don't invite Basil Loftus along.

Romaphobic inscription on the walls of Westminster Cathedral.

Pope stuck in traffic jam

As World Youth Day 2013 gets under way in Rio, the main news item that has emerged so far is that Pope Francis is there, and has got stuck in a traffic jam.

Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way. Matthew 7:14.

One of the explanations for this problem is that the Pope omitted to bring his Swiss Guards with him - the Swiss Guard Army Knife has a device for extracting Popes from traffic jams. Another relevant fact is that the Pope was alleged to be a victim of "road rage" after cutting up a Nissan Toynbee driven by Richard Dawkins, who was en route to a rival event known as "World Oldie Day".

Pious atheists listen in rapt attention to a speech from Richard Dawkins at WOD.

After the "road rage" incident, the Holy Father continued his journey by bus; Richard Dawkins wished to match him on this, but was told "There's probably no bus - now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

Luckily I brought my bus pass with me!

Meanwhile, a scandal is brewing in Rome after a bank-clerk, Mgr Battista Ricca, was allegedly stuck in a lift. Resignations are expected, mainly amongst the engineers who service the Vatican lifts. There are also rumours of a sex scandal here, and the unfortunately-named Cardinal Sodano will no doubt wish to reassure himself that there is no truth in it.

There's something not quite right about this elevator.

Meanwhile hysterical Vatican-watchers are hurriedly copying-and-pasting messages from unnamed priests into their blogs. So we can tell that the situation is serious.

The Scandal of Pope Francis

The Catholic Church was up in arms today, when yet more evidence emerged that Pope Francis isn't the same as Pope Benedict.

The set for World Youth Day, designed by Pope Francis. Note the Satanic horns.

Take for example World Youth Day 2013 in Rio. Originally, Pope Benedict had suggested an elegant Gothic setting for this important event. But the moment that Francis jumped onto the chair of St Peter, he decided to reverse this decision and chose a design out of Star Wars, which he planned and built in 3 months flat.

The site of WYD, as planned by Benedict XVI (now demolished).

Pope Francis continues to bring shame on the Catholic church. Last night he was supposed to be watching Rome's Got Talent, presented by Antonio and Decani; instead he chose to go off and do some work, meeting a group of nuncios (only one of whom was able to juggle fried eggs while standing on one leg and whistling Follow me, follow me!). Then he dared to go off and do some praying - as if he didn't do enough of that already!

Pope Francis praying - when he could be having FUN!

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In other news, a miraculous vision has appeared in the bathroom wall of a blogger by the name of Eccles. It is not believed to have any religious significance, but an exorcist has been called just in case.

This can't be what the Tablet calls "Catholic wallpaper".

Religious predictions for 2013

January. Paul Inwood complains of the repetitiveness of so many traditional Christmas carols, objecting that he was asked to sing "Oh come let us adore him" three times in each verse of Oh come all ye faithful.

February. The Editor of the National Catholic Reporter resigns in disgrace, and the position is offered to Fr John Zuhlsdorf. However, Fr Z declines, as he has just been appointed Bishop of the Blogosphere.

Episcopus Blogospherae.

March. Justin Welby is enthroned as the new Archbishop of Canterbury. In a moving sermon he pays tribute to the National Health Service, to his predecessor (Baron Waffles of Mumbles) and to his trade union, the National Union of BIshops and LEaders (NUBILE). As an afterthought he mentions God.

April. Tina Beattie holds a grand birthday party, and invites the Pope, Bishop Declan Lang, President Mary Lyons of San Diego, Charles Moore, and James MacMillan. They all accept with enthusiasm. Two days before the party is due to take place, Prof. Beattie cancels all the invitations, saying "fooled you!"

May. The Tablet conducts another survey, asking readers which of the "eight commandments" they think is most relevant to the present day. After it is tactfully pointed out that the canonical number of commandments is ten, Catherine Pepinster withdraws the survey, replacing it with one in which she asks people "How many of the six persons of the Trinity can you name?"

Moses - a Tablet reader.

June. Giles Fraser fulfils his heart's desire on being sent to prison for conducting a marriage ceremony involving three men and an elephant.

July. World Youth Day, Rio de Janeiro. The Pope is involved in an embarrassing situation, when the security guards refuse to admit him, saying that he "looks at least 30." Luckily, he gets in using a Vatican Young Person's Rail Card.

The Pope - looking more youthful every year.

August. It is revealed that Mrs Gladys Mills was a pious Catholic and the grandmother of Damian Thompson. In his new biography Granny Gladys, Damian reveals how he used to go round to her house for cupcakes and a recital of Rachmaninov's latest hits.

September. Richard Dawkins abandons work on his latest theological treatise, 101 ways to kill a Catholic, and comments, "You know, maybe they have a point after all."

October. The Church of England holds another synod. David Cameron posts armed guards outside the doors, and says that nobody will be allowed to leave until they have voted to ordain women bishops. He later denies trying to interfere with the religious freedom of the Church of England.

Did anyone bring some sandwiches?

November. The Year of Faith comes to an end. Liberal Catholics say they found the whole idea too controversial, and propose a Year of Doubt instead.

December. The second film in the Hobbit trilogy (based on books by that woeful traddy Catholic J.R.R. Tolkien) is released. In a surprise move, it is revealed that Stephen Fry is now taking the part of Smug the great Drag.

Bad day for Bosco

Well Bosco had a bad day. As I explaned he was gonna get himself a hallo and wings, so dat poeple in de street would nottice him and say "Dis man is saved." His first attempt at dressin like an angle weren't very sucessful, but he was certtainly notissed. We gotta try another shop, Bosco, dere is somefink sutbly wrong wiv your costtume, I rekcons.

Den he got into trubble for tryin to set fire to a shop dat was sellin iddles. De spiritaul juorney of a saved pusson aint always easy, Bosco my dere.

Bosco is very cross dat de Pop has been to Maddrid. "Why does dey let him go to World Youf Day when he's 84?" he asked me. "Dat's nearly as old as Anti Moly! It just shows dat dem Cathlics cant get any yuong poeple to go."
My thoery is dat de Pop is there to sell his books, cos he writes a lot of dem, and also to conficsate any Bibbles dat he finds, as Cathlics aint allowed to read de Bibble like we does.

Brakin news: Anti Moly has been releesed from St Hysteria's hopsital, even thuogh she's still cakcling uncontrolably. Here is a photto of her on her way home to her loved ones (Bosco and Eccles).

Finally, dis blogg is now gettin some sponssorship and so I gotta put adverts on it occassionally.

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IS YOUR SOLE DIRTY? DEN USE CALUMNY CHAPPEL SOPE TO WASH YORE SINS AWAY.

WE GAURANTEES YOU IS SAVED, OR ELSE YOU GITS YOUR MONNEY BACK.

ALSO GOOD FOR CLEENIN STATTUES AND GRAVVEN IMAGGES.