Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.

You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.

Consider this post as another item in our long-running series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia weren't taking any chances!)

Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss. The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint, so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.

St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.

Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office - and your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.

A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing. We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role of the great healer. Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up as a Jesuit priest. This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so difficult for you.

Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?

Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.

What's next on the agenda? Oh yes, sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by giving a moral lead. No problem...

The crimes of the Tradiban

Sister Modernia of Frite-sur-Épaule writes:

It's time to show up the less liberal wing of the Catholic church for what it is - a branch of the Taliban.

Traditionalists Catholics on their way to Mass. That's probably Eccles on the right.

Let us compare the crimes of the Taliban and the Tradiban, and you will see that they are almost identical.

Forced deportation. I attended a Vetus Ordo Mass last week, and the Spirit moved me to a bit of impromptu liturgical dancing. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, twist and shout!" I sang, while the priest was doing something at the altar - I couldn't see what, as he had his back to me and was rudely talking in Latin. All I knew was that he was ignoring my 1960s "Spirit of Vatican II" rock. But what happened? A couple of Tradiban women grabbed me and bundled me into the street. That's the sort of thing they do.

Torture. I force myself to read the New Testament, the Catholic Herald, the Hermeneutic of Continuity blog, and even the Protect the Pope blog. What do I find? Orthodox Catholic doctrine, without a mention of the people's uprising that is to come. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I feel it's my duty to read these reactionary works, and complain about them.

The Tradiban even described the Tablet as corrosive!

Persecution of women. The Tradiban refuses to entertain the thought that next year women will be ordained as priests by the Catholic Church. According to the Tablet, it is inevitable, now that the people's revolution has overthrown Pope Benedict! They prefer to subjugate us, and make sexist remarks to us like "Nice hat you're wearing!" and "Ooh, what a lovely baby you've got!" They hate us if we don't wear mantillas in church - I can tell they hate us, they don't have to say anything.

Prof. Tina Beattie models an alternative to the Tradiban mantilla.

Narcotics trafficking. They're all high on incense, take it from me. I went to a Tradiban Mass and lit up my pipe, as I would do in my usual church, Christ the Küng, and everyone protested, even though the air was already thick with smoke. Evidently, there's a Tradiban plot to monopolize the narcotics market.

All I wanted was a holy smoke.

Well, I think I've made my point. The Tradiban has modelled itself on the Taliban, and we liberal Catholics must fight them!