The true facts about the SSPX

I don't think I have ever blogged about the Society of St Pius X before, but there has been too much acrimonious debate about it recently, involving people like Field-Marshal Taylor, Lieutenant Steve Kojak, about sixteen people called Gordon - one of whom wants me to @askyourantimoli - and so on. Even Father Z has waded in, guns blazing.

A snapshot of Catholic Twitter.

Clearly everyone is waiting for me to give a ruling. Right, here goes.

SSPX is wonderful. Schismatic. The only true faith. A bunch of disobedient weirdos. The best hope for mankind. With invalid orders. Much better than the "ordinary" post-Vatican II Church. Unable to organize a decent clown Mass. But its priests are approved of by all Popes. Although not Pius X. Well of course not you numbskull he wasn't alive then. Condemned by all decent people. Perfectly able to conduct Masses and Confessions. Yeah but only in emergencies if you can't get a proper Jesuit. You're starting to annoy me, buster. Get lost and take your poncy Latin with you. Just watch it or you'll get a schism in the back of your head. Oh yeah you and whose army? BAM! POW! OUCH! YAROOH! BEAST!

Well, we seem to have reached a consensus there.

Meanwhile, the "liberal" wing of the Catholic Church continues to misbehave while nobody's watching. Recently, Blase Cupich, the World's Worst Cardinal, blessed a pantomime horse (well, it was billed as a Chinese 'lion-awakening' ritual, but we know that the pantomime season hadn't quite ended).

Hail to thee, O Pantomama!

Uncle Blase has also been a bit dismissive of the power of prayer. That could just be because he's been addressing the Chinese lion-god by mistake.

Now, when the SSPX wars are over, can we go back to smiting the real heretics?

"The pantomime Cardinal will be along soon."

Bad Hymns 20

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have chosen a children's hymn today; this means that is it performed at "family services," and will drive to drink anyone over the age of about 6.

If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings.

Eccles: So, welcome, Brian Howard, author of "If I were a butterfly." Yours is a wonderful hymn - I heard it sung in the London Oratory recently, to the Gregorian chant Si papilio essem. Or was it a Bach cantata? I forget.

BH: Thank you so much, Eccles. It's great to be recognised on a blog of this distinction.

E: Do butterflies actually thank the Lord for giving them wings, Brian? Or are you supposing yourself to be trapped in a butterfly's body? In which case wouldn't you be saying "O Lord, get me out of here!"?

BH: That's too deep for me, Eccles. Still, I can also offer you robins, fish, elephants, kangaroos...

E: "If I were an octopus, I’d thank you Lord for my fine looks." Do you think that octopuses have "fine looks?"

A fine-looking octopus.

BH: Well, compared with some ugly spotty children I've seen... and of course cephalopod molluscs may have different standards of beauty from the rest of us.

E: Now, the hymn does have a chorus: "You gave me Jesus and you made me your child," etc. Not bad, really. But those animals... You couldn't drop the animals and keep the chorus, I suppose?

BH: What, and lose lines like "If I were a wiggly worm, I’d thank you Lord that I could squirm?"

E: Is squirming a good thing? Or were you stuck for a rhyme? Still, let's come to one of the highlights of the song, and the bit where the grown-ups present start squirming.

Si ursus fuzziwuzzus essem...

BH: "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I’d thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair." Note that bears do appear in the Bible, unlike octopuses.

E: Ah yes, Elisha, who didn't have fuzzy-wuzzy hair, summoned two of them to eat up some rude children. 2 Kings 2, in fact.

BH: We don't teach that bit in schools so much nowadays.

Elisha - spare the bear and spoil the child.

E: Before you go, I would like to mention another hymn: this one's by Mick Gisbey. It's the grasshopper song. Shall we sing it together?

Both: I'm not a grasshopper 
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord!

Not a giant in the Lord.

BH: Of course if I were a grasshopper, I wouldn't sing that song.

E: Let's not go there, please. Brian Howard, thank you very much.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.