Laurie Penny and the Pope's views

We are deeply honoured to have as our guest columnist the lovely Laurie Penny of the New Statesman.

An oil painting of the lovely Laurie Penny.

Urgh! Wasn't Pope Benedict ugly! With his squinty evil grin and his red shoes he looked just like a Sith Lord!! Except that Sith Lords don't wear red shoes, do they? Well never mind. Anyway, it proves he wasn't worth listening to!!

If Pope Benedict had looked like this, we'd have had to take him seriously.

Pope Francis is different. He doesn't wear red shoes. He doesn't look creepy. He doesn't eat babies or kick beggars in the street. You won't find him pulling the wings off butterflies - well, only on special occasions, I expect. Rumour hath it that Francis is keen on charitable actions. He radiates love to all mankind, almost at the level of a typical New Statesman columnist.

Pope Francis - handsome and saintly, but he will insist on talking.

But then Pope Francis spoilt it all by talking about his religious views - a mistake made by popes throughout the ages. He spoke of "children, victims of abortion" being "discarded as 'unnecessary'". WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, THE EDITOR OF THE NEW STATESMAN OR SOMEONE?

A butterfly, spared (for the moment) by Pope Francis.

Shut up, Francis, you right-wing extremist. They might hear you in Spain, the United States, even Ireland, where there are still people who call themselves Catholic. What about abortion rights, eh? Have you ever been a baby in the womb? I doubt it very much! I have, so there! We all want the world to be better, and allowing women full access to abortion is the way to make it so!

Trust me, I'm a mother. Oh, in fact I'm not (I just checked my CV); but I could be. Well, you never hear people speak of "The Holy Grandmother", and this proves that Pope Francis never even had a mother. Anyway, you don't see female Catholics supporting "pro-life" issues, do you?

This is what Catholics do to women.

I'm running out of steam, drat it. Oh yes... institutional sexism... medieval moral code (Christ was medieval, wasn't He? Could someone check?)... the right to control what happens to our bodies... placating conservative Catholics... how many more words do you need, Editor? Could you copy and paste some more clichés, please?

We love clichés.

Even in the 21st century there are still women giving birth to children. IS THAT RIGHT? IS IT? IS IT? Until Pope Francis dies, he has no right to talk about matters of life and death. And maybe not even then. Phew. Can I go, now?

Bad Hymns 20

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have chosen a children's hymn today; this means that is it performed at "family services," and will drive to drink anyone over the age of about 6.

If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings.

Eccles: So, welcome, Brian Howard, author of "If I were a butterfly." Yours is a wonderful hymn - I heard it sung in the London Oratory recently, to the Gregorian chant Si papilio essem. Or was it a Bach cantata? I forget.

BH: Thank you so much, Eccles. It's great to be recognised on a blog of this distinction.

E: Do butterflies actually thank the Lord for giving them wings, Brian? Or are you supposing yourself to be trapped in a butterfly's body? In which case wouldn't you be saying "O Lord, get me out of here!"?

BH: That's too deep for me, Eccles. Still, I can also offer you robins, fish, elephants, kangaroos...

E: "If I were an octopus, I’d thank you Lord for my fine looks." Do you think that octopuses have "fine looks?"

A fine-looking octopus.

BH: Well, compared with some ugly spotty children I've seen... and of course cephalopod molluscs may have different standards of beauty from the rest of us.

E: Now, the hymn does have a chorus: "You gave me Jesus and you made me your child," etc. Not bad, really. But those animals... You couldn't drop the animals and keep the chorus, I suppose?

BH: What, and lose lines like "If I were a wiggly worm, I’d thank you Lord that I could squirm?"

E: Is squirming a good thing? Or were you stuck for a rhyme? Still, let's come to one of the highlights of the song, and the bit where the grown-ups present start squirming.

Si ursus fuzziwuzzus essem...

BH: "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I’d thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair." Note that bears do appear in the Bible, unlike octopuses.

E: Ah yes, Elisha, who didn't have fuzzy-wuzzy hair, summoned two of them to eat up some rude children. 2 Kings 2, in fact.

BH: We don't teach that bit in schools so much nowadays.

Elisha - spare the bear and spoil the child.

E: Before you go, I would like to mention another hymn: this one's by Mick Gisbey. It's the grasshopper song. Shall we sing it together?

Both: I'm not a grasshopper 
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord!

Not a giant in the Lord.

BH: Of course if I were a grasshopper, I wouldn't sing that song.

E: Let's not go there, please. Brian Howard, thank you very much.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.