Pope forbids "Muslim" food

By Walim Ahdi of the Salafic Herald.

In response to the edict from a Salafi group that Muslims should not eat tomatoes because they are "Christian" food, the Pope has issued an encyclical De Cibo Musulmano, prohibiting Catholics from eating "Muslim" foods.

The tomato, food for pious Catholics. Note the sign of the Cross.

Unlike the faithful tomato, which suggests the purely Christian image of the Cross, other foodstuffs have distinctly Muslim connotations.

So today French bakers were up in arms, singing "Allons, enfants de la patisserie," as they learnt that croissants may no longer be consumed by Catholics.

Eating this says, "I am a Muslim." Bananas are similarly proscribed.

But less obvious foodstuffs are also on the Pope's "anathema" list.

One of these is a cake, the other the Kaaba in Mecca. Can you say which is which?

It is cakes, which often resemble Islamic buildings, that are considered particularly dangerous. This little girl will be getting a strongly-worded letter from her Bishop.

A heretical cake in the shape of a mosque. Note the four minarets.

Even concealing your cake is sometimes not enough. Here we see a deliberate attempt to evoke the image of a pious Muslim woman in a burka.

Easily mistaken for a Muslim woman.

Finally, the owner of this blog may be in deep trouble with Catholics and Muslims alike, since Eccles cakes, no less, often suggest the images of people from Islamic history.

Faces, yes. Not the Prophet. Honestly.

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Other Christian denominations broadly agree with the Catholic line. As we see below, many Baptists also regard the tomato as a truly sacred fruit.

A young woman is baptised in tomatoes. (Pomodoro Baptist Church, USA.)

Anti Moly in a care home

Well, Damain Thopmson has alreddy hinted as much on his blogg, but we has had to have Anti Moly taken into care. As you may have heard, althuogh he keeps very quiet about it, Damain has got a new book out, called "De Fix," which is all abuot poeple gettin addicted to strange fings (like cupcakes, cannapeas and de paino playin of Mrs Mills). I helped him a lot wiv writin bits of it, but he didn't give me a complementary copy, so I ordered one from Amazzon.

De probblem started when de postman came to Castle Thopmson to delivver my copy of de book, and Anti Moly jumped out and bit him in de leg. She saw de uniform and mistook him for a Cathlic preist, she reely needs to stop drinkin dat hair-restorrer, it causes dellusoins. In fact we has had a lot of trubble wiv her lately, as Damain went to Mass and she insisted on comin along, just so dat she cuold sit in the front row goin "Woeful. ROFL. I aint a belleiver," and trying to interrupt poeple worshippin.

So for Anti Moly's own good we has had her put in a care home, where dey doesnt let you drink hair-restorrer, and tries to keep you calm. She is still allowed to use a lapptop, so dont worry, you wont miss out on her inimicable commentin on bloggs.

Now, as Damain was sayin on his blogg, we got George Cloony to come and visit as part of his charitabble work. Anti Moly was reely looking forward to this, as she says she watched one of his early flims, Return of the Killer Tomatoes! seven times. It's all about a tomato transsformation chamber by which dey can turn ordinary tomatoes into humans, and Anti Moly says dat dis was de theme of one Richard Dakwins's powerful books disprovin de existence of God. She also says dat me, Eccles, is de evidence dat such transformatoins can take place, dat's not nice, Anti.

Dat Cloony (wot is addicted to bad coffee, but dats annuver story) spent ten minutes talking to Anti Moly, and den got up and said, "On second fuoghts, I is gonna do somefink else for charrity. Give me a third-world pigsty to clean out instead. With my bare hands if necessary. Just get me out of here!"

Damain is incensed by dis, and has written a hard-hitting articcle about it, but I fink dat Mr Cloony may have a point, after all. We saved poeple is used to analysin deep moral questoins like dis one.