The eight worst cardinals

The second World Cup of Bad Cardinals has reached the quarter-final knockout stage, and we have the following contests to look forward to.

Roche v Gregory, McElroy v Cupich, Marx v Parolin, and Maradiaga v Coccopalmerio.

Comparing this with the first World Cup, we have promising newcomers Roche, Gregory and McElroy, displacing Kasper (mostly retired from heresy these days), Danneels (dead) and Tobin (nighty, nighty, Joe!). The other five are old lags, and it will be interesting to see how they cope against the new boys.

Results to be posted here as we get them.

Arthur Roche 69.0 v Wilton Gregory 31.0.

Wilt has been as onboxious as possible recently, but Arthur is clearly a class act too. The English supporters are already crying "The trophy's coming home!"

Uncle Arthur, hater of the TLM, lover of cake.

Uncle Wilt, another hater of the TLM, lover of Biden.

Robert McElroy 16.2 v Blase Cupich 83.8.

Rob is a promising newcomer (definitely the sort of person we expect to see Francis appoint as a cardinal), but the current champion, Soapy Sue, wipes the floor with him.

"Why do they talk about my covering up of abuse, and not of my Judo skills?"

Our current champion ticks all the boxes: LGBT rights, suppression of the TLM, etc. etc.

Reinhard Marx 67.3 v Pietro Parolin 32.7.

Silver medallist from last time, Rhino has been working hard on his heresies, and is determined to get a medal this time. Parolin has modelled himself on Judas Iscariot, at least as far as China is concerned, but on the day the boy was outclassed.

Silver medallist last time, and continues to disgust.

"Chinese sell-outs? Financial scandals? Not me!"

Oscar Maradiaga 44.2 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 55.8.

The closest of the four quarter-finals. Both are experienced fighters, with reputations that are hard to choose between. So Cocco takes it, but he will not be asked to take a drug test.

"Financial and sexual scandals? Me?"

"Drug-fuelled homosexual orgies? You must be thinking of someone else."

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SEMI-FINALS.

Arthur Roche 66.4 v Reinhard Marx 33.6

Blase Cupich 72.8 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 27.2

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF.

Reinhard Marx 63.5 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 36.5

The silver medallist in 2019, Rhino Marx, has to settle for the bronze medal. Cocaine Palmerio takes the 4th place as he did last time.

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THE FINAL.

Arthur Roche 46.4 v Blase Cupich 53.6

After a hard-fought contest, the 2019 champion, Blase Cupich, wins the gold again, and Arthur Roche has to settle for the silver medal and the "most promising newcomer" award.