This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 4 February 2019

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

Kasper v Maradiaga

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

Marx v Tagle

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

Cupich v Danneels

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

Cocco v Tobin

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).


Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

Cupich and Marx

Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.


  1. my vote alas is for Tagle, because he is corrupting the church in the Philippines. Luckily, like in South America, the people are not turning atheist as in Ireland, but embracing various Protestant sects. But the church's hemorrhage is there and we are waiting for the next shoe to drop (i.e. reports of abuse that will turn more people against the church here).

  2. I suppose that to justly win this accolade, a Cardinal must be NOT in a state of being excommunicated.

    According to the active Canon Law of the Catholic Church it is possible, maybe probable, even actual, that some Cardinals may have been already, (but invisibly), automatically excommunicated!

    This can be so IF they have indulged in especially serious mortal sin. For instance, the mortal sins of
    1. criminal pederasty—AND
    2. adult homosexual acts, (consensual or not, maybe using their authoritative positions as priests and or prelates), other illicit sexual acts (both as celibates and also as unmarried persons), maybe sometimes, often, or usually for years and years—AND
    3. this above, followed by their sacrilegious acts of celebrating Our Lord's Sacrifice and receiving His Body and Blood.

    Surely, then, if even a few of the stories we hear are true, some from seemingly reliable sources, the alleged sins may well disqualify, as de facto excommunicates, at least some of the alleged perverted and hypocritical malefactors.

    1. Or those who gave the okay to abortions at Catholic Hospitals?

  3. Hilarious! (Well, satanically sad and depressing in a way, but Eccles, his big brother Bosco, and his Grate-Anti Moly sure have a way of finding a hilarious aspect to this monstrous Church Demolition Derby!)

  4. I say Tobin, but it could be because I know my gay party animal cardinals better than Italian gay party animal cardinals.

  5. Am in a bit of a hurry, I just vote for the abat-jour, I'll read the entire article and discover what we are talking about later.

  6. I try to vote American, but even a pretty obviously compromised cardinal like Cupich has not damaged the Church like Kasper has.

  7. Since the “Rhine flows into the Tiber,” Kaspar has a history of modernist mayhem. CuccoPal is a crowd fav for sheer flamboyance. Maradiaga lurks on the council of 9 Lords a’ leapin’, 6 Lords now. With such an attrition rate, Soupy Cupich seems over-confident and may trip on the goal line. So it’s a close call, but I must go with the scourge of trad Catholics and current USCCB point man for TeamFrancis, Chicago’s own Cheap Shot Cupich.

  8. So Maradiaga has already been scratched. Still voting for Cupich.

  9. I was wondering whether it was about the 8 part in God's rugby team (see Micheas or Micah 5:5) ... when I saw cardinal Marx I went - very probably nope.